Continuance where MS stopped
by Bronzehyperion
Summary: This story starts where Midnight Sun left us after chapter 12 and tries to follow the rest of the book Twilight from Edward's POV as accurate as possible. COMPLETE!
1. a message

This story continues where Midnight Sun stopped, after chapter 12. If you haven't read the Midnight Sun partial draft on Stephenie Meyer's website, reading this will not make much sense, I am afraid.

I do not own any of the characters or events from the Twilight Verse nor any of the original dialogues from Twilight that I use in my story.

I respect the decision for Midnight Sun being on hold and I truly hope it will find its way to a published novel some day (soon)

All this is, is my own desire to see the story from Edward's POV continued.

The chapters will (hopefully) be much in tune with the parallelled chapters from Twilight and there will be use of the original dialogues from Twilight mixed with Edward's POV, naturally.

Enjoy! Reviews and feedback is highly appreciated. :)


	2. The Yearning and the Hunger

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and Midnight Sun, its dialogues, the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2008 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**CHAPTER 1: THE YEARNING AND THE HUNGER**

No. More. Mistakes. I told myself over and over I'd fare better if I stuck with that mantra. As if I hadn't made enough mistakes to begin with. The biggest mistake was obviously allowing myself to be near Bella for as long as I already had been. The fact she knew what I was and still wanted to be around me continued to fill me with a hope I could not allow myself to feel and yet somehow it was all I could think of. Stupid hopeful fool I was.

I arrived at my house less than ten minutes after I dropped Bella off at hers. Less than ten minutes since I said goodbye to her. Had time always passed this slowly? Slower than it already managed to pass for someone stuck in these hells of eternity. While the air around me was now free of the zinging electricity from before - with Bella being out of the car, her scent still filled my nostrils, bringing forth all these strange yearnings again. The yearning to be with her, to talk to her. To stare into her deep chocolate brown eyes to try and decipher her thoughts. To softly stroke her flushed with scarlet cheeks. To watch her full red lips move. All these unfamiliar yearnings became more recognizable. Even her scent burning in my throat started to feel like a yearning now, albeit a highly dangerous one. _The most_ dangerous one. Then again, it was all dangerous. Every little thing I felt for her, whether it were these odd human feelings - assuming it were those that came out of hibernation from the core of my being where they had been hidden for decades - or the hunger that triggered the venom in my mouth and pleased the monster - always lingering to make a move - it was all a danger to Bella.

Every moment with her was accompanied by the greatest amount of control on my part. I had managed so far but how long could I go on before the monster would roar its ugly head again. My love for Bella was strong. Stronger than anything I had ever experienced. Unbreakable. But wasn't the monster unbreakable too? Was Alice's latest vision of Bella and myself in the meadow truly a lie or did I only desperately wish it was? Was the monster inside stronger than my love for Bella? Or did love indeed conquer all?

As I sat there in my car, postponing going inside the house to have another face off with my family, I tried to banish the thoughts of Alice's vision out of my mind.

I indulged myself with these human yearnings of wanting to be close to Bella, hoping they could push down the worry about the resurfacing of the monster and make me feel confident enough to assure my family that the fact Bella knew everything did not suddenly change the level of danger to exposure from when I exposed my family's extraordinariness to Bella a few months ago by saving her from Tyler Crowley's van. In fact I told myself - in a moment of being dazed by my human desires - now that she knew everything it would be easier to keep her safe. I wouldn't have to hide my vampire mannerisms from Bella anymore and could almost freely protect her. Continue to be her vampire protector.

But the monster was still there. Its roars silently echoed inside me, illustrating I was the main thing she needed protecting from. If only the monster wasn't so strong...If only I was truly her protector.

Feeling more glum because of the dire thoughts of Alice's vision and the monster inside, the yearnings temporarily faded - being away from the scent in the car helped too - so I had no choice but to go inside to face my family.

I had no clue how I could possibly justify the fact I was relieved Bella knew everything and yet still wanted me. It was absurd to be relieved, because the dangers of her knowing outweighed the hope accompanying this fact.

Also, if Alice had already shared her latest vision with the others that would probably not help prove any kind justification in allowing Bella to figure out our secret.

_In the conference room_, I read in Carlisle's mind as I opened the front door.

_Excellent._ That meant we would in fact have another round of this. Why couldn't they accept the way things had gone? Bella had. Bella had been extraordinary about this. Granted I was still expecting her to react more humanly appropriate and run from me but for the time being she was still here.

And she probably harboured no ill thoughts towards any of my relatives - unlike a certain sister of mine- and knowing Bella she probably never would. She had embraced this part of me without wanting to compromise on defending me - I thought about how she had told Mike Newton off after Gym not allowing him to even argue the status of our relationship - and yet all I ever had to do was defend her to my family. Well some of them anyway. After decades of thinking humans were quite the petty beings with rather trivial thoughts - not capable of accepting what they did not understand - and granted the Mike Newtons of this world proved that thought was often true- I realised my own kind were quite non-accepting and narrow-minded themselves.

Then again, the one human who was understanding and accepting enough to not be narrow-minded about this, was the only human I'd forever and always defend with my entire being. And with that knowledge my confidence was gained and I walked straight to the conference room without hesitation.

Naturally, some of their thoughts reached me before I stepped in. Rosalie thought of nothing but herself.

_I am going to bite his head off, for real this time. Now that that stupid human girl knows everything it is only a matter of time until we have to move again. Thanks Edward, thanks a lot._

I wanted to bite _her_ head off for continuing to entertain these thoughts of finding Bella stupid which were only based on feeling jealous. That wasn't even narrow-mindedness but just plain petty.

Emmett felt obligated to be on Rosalie's side - like he always was - and his thoughts gave away that much but they were not aggressive.

_I don't care that much that the girl knows but Edward did put us at risk with this. Again. At some point decisions need to be made..._

Like I did not know that myself. Jasper seemed to be wavering. And not in any way did it seem he was on my side with this.

_Maybe it is time now. Time for Alice's vision to come to pass. The sooner Bella is one of us, the sooner we can get back to-_

I stepped in before Jasper could finish his thoughts.

"NO!! Don't even think that Jasper! It isn't going to happen. That's not how things will play out! Ever!" I warned him angrily. We had been through this. Bella would not become one of us.

"Well, what do you propose then, Edward?" Jasper asked me, "Is there anything else we can do. Another option? Because I cannot think of one"

I couldn't answer because the other option was just as unbearable as the idea of damning Bella to this life contaminated by eternity.

_Me killing her. _Had Alice not said it was one or the other? And here I was trying so desperately to walk this fine line of avoiding either future, but how long would I be able to balance myself in between the two? How long could I remain in Bella's life without killing her or taking her life away so I could keep her?

"Oh, please...this should have been dealt with months ago when Edward decided it was okay to expose us. Alice sees this going only one of two ways and since Edward refuses to take responsibility and continues to put the family at risk I think the time to deal is NOW!" Rosalie growled.

I had never been aggressive towards women and my sisters in particular but something in Rosalie's tone of voice set me off. There was not going to be any kind of "dealing". Not the way she wanted. Not in any way at all, for that matter.

The ferocity building inside took me aback. I was not just angry with Rosalie for what she said; I realized I actually wanted to defend Bella.

Defend her the way an animal would defend its mate.

I growled loudly and lurched into a crouch, ready to launch myself at Rosalie. I would bite her head off this time. She had gone too far. How dare she even suggest the only way to go was to relentlessly kill Bella?

_My only love._

Did she even think that was going to happen without any kind of fight? Was all this her jealousy speaking? Was she really that resentful towards the girl who had captured my heart so completely and permanently?

I saw Emmett biting back a growl starting to lurch into a crouch himself and I knew he would defend his love like I would mine. And although I could not believe he could ever comprehend or be capable of feeling the deep, overpowering, all consuming kind of love I felt for Bella, I knew I'd have to fight him if I harmed Rosalie in any way.

_Brothers_. Forced to defend the women we loved. Against any cost. Willing to break a bond of brotherhood if we had to. The idea of fighting him made me back down a bit.

"Enough!" Carlisle ordered calmly but firm. "Both of you. Edward, calm down. Rosalie, we will not do anything to harm Bella. To even entertain such a thought is preposterous knowing Edward loves her."

"Oh, is it really?" Rosalie bit back. "Isn't that exactly what Alice saw though? Edward killing his precious love in the meadow. So really, it is okay if he does it because he can't control himself but if I even suggest it to help the family, I am a monster....." She did not finish her sentence and staggered out of the room.

_What the hell has become of this family_, she thought.

Emmett followed her out without looking at me. I supposed I had to deal with him later.

Carlisle ignored their departure and looked at me. "Edward, Alice latest vision has everyone worried. I know Rosalie was perhaps too caught up in her own interests to make a fair point, but this is a problem. Since Bella knows about our..._living conditions_ and given what Alice sees happening in the meadow in her vision, perhaps it is time to consider your options. Of course I don't mean you should harm her, although if that were to happen we would unconditionally support you but maybe you should end things with Bella right now. Because you love her, keeping her safe is the only sensible thing to do.

_At any price, my son_, he thought.

"Unfortunately Alice's vision doesn't seem to point to a positive outcome for Bella. Or any of us. Perhaps it is time to take yourself out of the equation, to make sure Bella is safe."

He glanced over at Alice to look for some kind of confirmation but she simply shrugged. "I can't see a change in the meadow until he makes a decision on it," she said softly. She and Jasper had been sitting there in silence and I realised I hadn't even paid any attention to their thoughts.

_Poor Edward._

Jasper felt sorry for me. Alice searched for another vision of Bella and the meadow but she wasn't successful. I would still harm her. _Kill her. _

I winced as I watched the vague images with her. Alice smiled apologetically at me. _Sorry, I wish it were different. Stupid gift._

_Because you love her keeping her safe is the only sensible thing to do. At any price._

Carlisle was right. Of course he was. The only way for Alice's visions - all the ones concerning Bella- not to come to pass, was to leave. For real this time. Something I should have done a long time ago. All this time I had questioned if I could do it. If I was strong enough to leave. I now knew it wasn't about that strength. Leaving would be painful but if it kept Bella safe, I could do it. The problem was what would happen then. What would happen after I left?

Of course Bella would be safe when I was no longer around. The absence of the risk of the monster breaking through the barriers I put up, would be a huge improvement on her living conditions.

And perhaps she would be happier in the end after she realized she would not have to be deprived of anything. Always be able to walk in the sun, to express her love through touches and kisses without being exposed to my cold dead skin. No risk of me killing her. Of her becoming an immortal. Just be safe. Be human. Like she was. A beautiful human.

Meant to be with _some other_ human. Not this barely human vampire man without a heartbeat. Without the pulsing blood to make my skin a comfortable temperature for her. I thought of all the times she had spoken my name in her sleep, of when she touched my hand at the restaurant in Port Angeles, how it didn't matter to her what I was. I thought of how she cared for me and I wondered if it would be hard for her, if she found out I left.

Had I not told her, just a few hours ago, how tomorrow was my turn? My turn to unravel some mysteries. How would she feel if I would not be waiting in front of her house for her tomorrow? Would it hurt her as much as it would hurt me?

I dared to believe this would not be the case. Granted, she cared for me and I was more than grateful for this but in the end she was human enough to move on, wasn't she? She would forget about me, wouldn't she? Especially if she did eventually realize she was better off.

Surely she could live without me, because that would ensure she'd actually _live_.

But could I live without her? _Live._ Up until meeting Bella I had existed. Now I was almost alive. Could I give that up to give my love her life back? Her love back? A love free to be passed on to someone else...

The thought made me wince in pain.

Esme flitted to my side, her thoughts full of maternal worries. _Edward, you have been alone for so long. Please don't slip back into a solitaire existence. I would not be able to bear seeing you so broken._

She knew. She knew either future Alice's first vision of Bella had presented - her death or her immortality - would break me. Even more so, how a third option, where I would in fact leave Bella would not only break me but most likely kill me in the end. There was some strange irony in the fact that her death at my hands or the taking of her life and trading it in for immortality seemed less horrific than the idea of walking away from her.

"Take myself out of the equation?" I whispered.

Like love was math. If I were human, I would have been exhausted by now from all these conflicting emotions. Not being human meant I was not physically tired but I still felt oddly drained. Empty. Because for me there was no clear solution providing a positive outcome to this. Bella safe and alive, Bella happy could be achieved tonight. Simply by me leaving. But that was not the outcome I wanted, selfish as I was.

Bella with me was all I wanted. But could never have.

Esme stroked my cheek and gave me a soft smile. She then asked me a question I did not expect. "What do you want to do, right now?"

I looked at her in surprise. As if she had been able to read my mind. Perhaps it was a mother's intuition. I knew she'd normally side with Carlisle and I also knew Carlisle was right in what he had said but right now, her question offered an answer. At least for tonight.

"I need to see her. Watch her sleep. I need Bella," I said softly.

"Then be with her tonight," Esme encouraged me as she playfully ruffled my hair

I looked at her and smiled. I glanced at Carlisle but I knew he would not disapprove of it.

_Do what you must._

Alice flashed me a small but painful smile. "Nothing will happen tonight. It'll be fine. _Safe_. If only..." She did not need to finish her thought for me to know what else she was thinking...

_If only it could always be safe._

If only. But at least I had tonight.

Since it was too early to go and see Bella - I didn't think she would appreciate finding me in her room while still awake - I decided to find Emmett. Rosalie would be too stubborn to reason with at the moment but I felt the need to make amends with my brother.

I found him at the river, not far from the house. He was throwing some rocks into the water, having their plunges cause large ripples because of his strength.

"Emmett, I am sorry. I had no right to lose my cool with Rosalie like that, "I murmured, "I guess I am incredibly sensitive when it comes to Bella."

_No kidding_, he sighed

"I know you think I don't get it. And I guess I really don't. But I do see you're in pain right now. And how you seemed quite...relaxed this afternoon, when we messed with that Ben kid. She brings out these things in you. It's weird and it makes you act like a nut job in desperate need of a good beating. But still, I wonder what will happen if you lose this," he said.

I would die. As simple as that.

"Well, I still had no right to lash out like that. Where is Rosalie anyway?"

I didn't care, but felt the need to show I wanted things to be good between Emmett and myself.

_Fine tuning the BMW. Better stay out of her way for a while. Don't know why but the whole Bella subject seems to unnerve her. It's weird._

I knew exactly why Bella unnerved Rosalie. Not just because Bella was human and Rosalie wished she was. There was also that odd jealousy Rosalie felt when it came to Bella. Something I promised not to share.

"Are we okay?" I asked him with a small smile. I really wanted things to be. Emmett was my brother and fighting with him was something I'd never want to do. Of course, fighting for Bella would be something I'd always do. Even if I had to be up against my own family.

Emmett flashed me a grin. "Dude, you're becoming mushy. So mushy, I am starting to doubt you are in fact still a vampire."

"Well, why don't I show you?" I said while flashing my teeth.

I spend the next few hours hunting nearby with Emmett. We headed up north because Emmett was in need for some irritable grizzly. When he found himself out of luck with that - Emmett, always so eager to play with his food - forced me to hunt after a trail of wandering elk, not allowing me to feed until he had the elk so riled up some of them collapsed out of exhaustion while others jumped into the river out of pure fear. I did not have the heart to make the hunt a quick one since I still felt guilty about almost having to fight him but it took me far longer than I wanted. When Emmett was finally done he went back to the house in hopes to find Rosalie in a better mood - I took that to mean she was in a more physically indulging mood - and I went off to go see the one person I had been yearning to see for hours.

The closer I got to Bella's house the more the yearning returned and the moment I slid into her window, with the yearning - and of course her extremely potent scent - the electricity came back as well. The intensity was extreme. So present. It did not help Bella was almost entirely uncovered, showing her tatty sweatpants and a shirt that was pulled up enough for me to see her a part of her pale stomach, exposing her belly-button. Naturally, the yearning grew stronger, leaving me imagining what it would be like to just softly place a finger on her stomach, tracing her belly-button. The sensation of that thought burned even stronger than her scent. The yearning to feel her warmth grew stronger. And stronger. I crept a little closer to her bed.

_Stop it! Just stop it!_

I reigned myself in. Touching her would be bad. What if she woke up? Finding me there in her room - like the desperate vampire stalker I was - would be one thing she might understand in some bizarre way but finding me there touching her with an ice-cold finger would - if anything - scare her immensely. Although, it did often seem like she did want me to touch her, so maybe...

_Enough!!_ I couldn't even allow myself to entertain these thoughts, these yearnings. They deprived my of the control I so desperately needed to keep Bella safe. To keep the monster in tow.

The end of her sheets twisted around her legs, but most of them were on the floor. I guessed her sleep hadn't been completely dreamless. She seemed to be resting quite easy now but it looked like she had been tossing and turning a lot. I regretted not being here sooner, now wondering what had made her so restless.

Was it me? Had the nightmare about what I was finally caught up with her. Or had I starred in her dreams like so many nights before? Dreams filled with the same electricity that filled Biology and my car in the afternoon. The electricity she was oblivious to now since she seemed to be sleeping more peacefully - the electricity that sent strange little shocks through my body, causing the yearning to overtake me in full force.

I tried to refocus my thoughts and remembered the first time I came into her room and how her calling my name and not wanting me to leave in her dream had given me the answer to what I needed to do then. The realisation I loved her had been so clear. And here I was now, contemplating if I should leave her for her own benefit.

As I watched her, I realized I could not do it.

_Not. Yet._ I told myself. Perhaps I was weak. Surely I was selfish but leaving Bella was not an option. As much as I hated to disappoint my father - although I knew he would understand and respect my decision regardless of what I decided - leaving her hadn't been an option anymore for some time now.

I couldn't even see how - earlier I saw myself having the strength to leave, only to fall apart after - but right now I knew I would not be strong enough at all. The thought of leaving her felt like I would be being ripped apart. There was so much more I needed from her, selfish creature that I was.

And maybe she still needed me too, even if it was only for a little while longer. She did expect me to begin my quest into her mind tomorrow, and right now I was using that expectance as a reason to stay. And I was so desperate to learn everything about her. That was a yearning in itself.

Of course, she also expected me to be on her doorstep on Saturday. I frowned. I thought about Alice's vision and crumbled at the idea of hurting Bella. Killing Bella, because I could not control myself.

The vision had to be a lie. Like I suspected all along. And even if it wasn't, I could still change the vision. Not by leaving because I simply couldn't but maybe the key was in being strong enough to stay. To control the monster. To believe in the love I felt for Bella in every inch of my cold body. To honour it by defeating the monster. After all, since she gave me life, wasn't I obligated to do everything in my power to make sure she kept hers?

As I thought this over, my eyes never leaving Bella, her lips parted and she signed. And then, being the much awaited - and only- answer I had needed so desperately all night, Bella softly mumbled my name.

"Edward..."

It was all so clear.

I would not hurt her in the meadow. I would not. It was one of Alice's visions that would not come to pass - Perhaps if I could manage to alter this vision, I could alter the one where Bella either died or became eternally damned.

The monster would have to fight hard in order to come out. Fight Bella's vampire angel. He simply would not let the monster win.

I picked up the sheets off the floor to cover Bella, carefully avoiding contact with her warm, translucent skin. The monster seemed to collide with the yearnings I felt from the heat coming of her skin and I could hear him echoing inside. But I did not care.

Soon the monster would be silenced for good.


	3. 20 Questions

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and Midnight Sun, its dialogues, the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2008 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**CHAPTER 2: 20 QUESTIONS**

_Dawn. A new day_.

Dawn had never meant much to me. Before, dawn was the beginning of another day with the same routine.

Since Bella had come into my life, dawn had a whole new significance. Dawn now meant a new day with Bella was ahead of me and the thought of that made it feel like my dead heart could swell up to a size not able to be held in by my body.

Days were no longer monotone repeatings of one another. I finally understood how humans could see each day as separate. I hadn't been able to for so long because for decades the days had been the same to me. No matter what I did. All part of being damned to this eternal life. But now, damnation almost felt like a blessing. Like all these years of waiting and merely existing, were paying off in glorious ways.

I glanced back at a sleeping Bella one more time before I left her room, knowing she and Charlie would wake up soon. Only a little while longer before time would rapidly pick up speed again like it always did when we were together. I wished it was the other way around; that time should be slow when I was with Bella, that way I could salvage all the time we had. Unfortunately time only seemed to slow drastically when I was away from her.

_Away from her._ The thought pained me to the core. There could not be a worse torment than the thought of being away from Bella. It baffled me now, how a few hours ago I had actually considered leaving her. How could I ever have thought I would be capable of doing that?

It helped that the monster was quiet now. And the worry of Alice's vision had been dulled to no more than a slight concern. I would not harm Bella, I was sure of this. The monster would not harm Bella in the meadow. The monster would never harm Bella. If the monster dared to come out again it would meet its match and die at the hands of the angel. Watching Bella sleep had given me all the confidence I needed to be sure the monster would never come out again.

Still, I needed to be careful. If I truly wanted to stay with Bella for as long as possible - and forever sounded beautiful but impossible - well, not impossible but very unlikely and foremost very selfish - I would always have to be in control.

Especially with Alice's visions as a constant reminder. I had been in control so far but my resolution to beat the monster for good and stay with Bella did not mean I should get careless. Therefore I needed to ban all kinds of sensual thoughts from my system, beating down all the yearnings if I could. I realized this would be far more difficult than beating down the monster. Naturally, my yearning to touch Bella pleased the monster, since the yearning was the only weakness the monster could use against me and he knew it. So not only did I have to control the monster, but also control the feelings that could give the monster a new opening to break through. But there were these feelings that were not so easy to control. Especially not when I was near Bella.

With that in mind I headed back to her house, after changing into some fresh clothes. I had managed to escape my family at home. Carlisle had already gone to the hospital accompanied by Esme who had a new project in helping to re-design the paediatrics ward. Emmett and Rosalie had apparently gone off for some early morning together time - I dared not think about what that together time really meant, not in the least because it brought forth my own desires and they did not help with my self control one bit - Alice and Jasper were also nowhere in sight. I was relieved to escape my siblings for now. I'd see them at school soon enough and I was in no mood to deal with their predictable thoughts. Rosalie ready to not so silently judge me with Emmett backing her up by making fun of my new, more human persona. Alice ever so worried about what would happen on Saturday. Jasper trying to sense my mood and feeling anxious because of all the potent scents around him and because Alice was worried.

Luckily, I had a task at hand to distract me from the thoughts my family would bother me with later.

Had I once been convinced Bella's thoughts would surely be as trivial as those of all the humans around her, not truly worth the effort of uncovering, I now longed to know everything about her. Everything she was thinking. Trivial or not. There was so much I wanted to ask. And I would, for as every answer could give me more insight into the mind of the girl whose thoughts I so desperately wished to read. But couldn't.

When I arrived at her house, I noticed Charlie's police cruiser was still there. I relaxed in my seat, waiting for him to leave and Bella to come outside. Since I had no access to Bella's thoughts and reading Charlie's seemed almost as impossible - it was always like trying to hear through static; only being able to make out a few words which usually did not add up to anything too useful - I had to rely on my super-hearing to see if they were talking.

They did not disappoint.

"Are you still set on going to Seattle?" I heard Charlie ask.

"That was the plan." I could not see Bella's face and therefore had no access to that one small gateway into her thoughts - her eyes- but the tone of her voice made it seem like she wasn't too happy with Charlie's inquiry about Seattle.

Why would that be? I remembered how with Charlie less was apparently more and how father and daughter were not all that communicative with one another - too much alike they probably were - but it still bothered me how Bella insisted on leaving her father in the dark about the plans she had made for this weekend.

The lack of self-preservation Bella seemed to have, worried me. Also, a more human feeling surfacing wondered if Bella was ashamed to tell her father about me. Of course, what was there to tell? We were simply friends after all. But would that not make it easier to tell Charlie that she was spending her Saturday with her _friend Edward Cullen._

_Right, like a friend would think and hope for the things I think and hope for_, I thought to myself.

Maybe in the beginning being friends with Bella would have been something I would have settled for but now it seemed to be a punishment to be put in the same category with someone like Mike Newton or even that Jacob Black.

The irony of once telling her I would not be a very good friend for her did not escape me, now that I wanted to be far far more than her friend. Being a bad friend was one thing, but what about being a bad boyfriend? Boyfriend. I grimaced at the thought of it. Surely being Bella's boyfriend felt like it would be my own personal heaven, but could I be? Should I even want to be? Did I even have the right to want more, since that would indefinitely not help my self-control? Nor her safety.

"And you're sure you can't make it back in time for the dance?" Charlie asked, his voice full with enough persistence to pull me out of my own thoughts and back to the conversation Bella and her father were having.

"I'm not going to the dance, Dad." Bella told her father.

I wondered if maybe she did in fact want to go, but was just feeling held back by her natural clumsiness and perhaps the curiosity of seeing me in the sunlight, not wanting to waste the opportunity to crack another one of the mysteries that came with my unnatural existence.

But her voice sounded normal. _Calm_. Without a hint of doubt or regret in it.

"Didn't anyone ask you?" Charlie then asked; his voice thick with concern for his daughter.

This made me laugh. I thought of that fateful day where Bella had been asked by no less than three guys. Three guys whose invitations she had all turned down. Only to accept mine the very next day. And yet, she refused to tell her father what she would exactly be doing Saturday.

"It's a girl's choice," Bella explained.

"Oh." was Charlie's short response - clearly he did not know what else to say- and with that and the sound of him gathering his things I knew their conversation about this subject had ended and that Chief Swan was about to leave. Which would mean it would not be long until Bella would be right next to me. And so the yearning grew...

Chief Swan pulled away five minutes later - which felt like an eternity since without the sound of Bella and her father talking the silence had seemed to make time stop all together - unbeknownst who he made room for on their driveway. His daughter's vampire...friend. Angel. Stalker. I noticed Bella peeking through her bedroom window mere seconds after her father left. This made me smile. Did that indicate she was somewhat eager to see me, meaning I had done right not to leave her? Surely she would have not been happy if she had found the driveway empty this morning? Luckily enough - for both of us - my desire to stay and be with her was far too strong.

Bella then came outside, shutting the door behind her without even looking at the dead-bolt.

_Bella. Always so trustworthy,_ I thought. Failing to see the need in locking the door behind her. Did she not see danger anywhere?

I pretended not to pay attention to her - although naturally I noticed how she wore what seemed to be a pair of quite the skin hugging jeans, - illustrating the shapes of her body in dangerously seductive ways - and a brown turtleneck sweater which matched her eyes almost perfectly.

I took a deep breath, bracing myself against the potency of her scent, combined with the yearning to touch her skin and the fear that when Bella stepped into my car the zinging electricity in the air would also return.

And although a part of me - quite a large part - did in fact welcome all those conflicting feelings, I really wanted to focus on remaining in control. Also, I did not want to be distracted from my task at hand.

Bella reached the car and she seemed to hesitate to get in. Surely she understood I was here to pick her up? I decided to underline my willingness to be here and see her again by facing her with a smile.

"Good morning." I said, hoping my voice would convince her how happy I was to see her.

"How are you today?" I pressed, while looking at her face, noticing the circles under her eyes, bringing back the memory of how her night had not seemed to be without some tumult in her sleep.

"Good, thank you." she replied, gazing at me with surprise in her eyes, like she found it odd of me to ask.

Her reply did not satisfy me so I worded my concern for her rough night without it seeming too bizarre for me to press on. Like Bella needed to know I watched her sleep every night.

"You look tired," I simply stated, hoping she would tell me the reasons behind that fact.

"I couldn't sleep," she confessed. This seemed to embarrass her, because she swung her hair around her shoulder as if it could cover up the reason to why she hadn't been able to sleep. Why would not being able to sleep embarrass her...?

Unless...

Had I been right? Had she been dreaming about me again? The fact she spoke my name again last night - and just when I needed her to the most- and the way she used her hair as a shield did seem to point to that.

But I did not want her to feel embarrassed, so I teased her by pointing out one of my many strange mannerisms. "Neither could I."

This made her laugh. "I guess that's right. I suppose I slept just a little bit more than you did."

"I'd wager you did." I told her.

"So what did you do last night?" she then asked. Hmm, did she think I had forgotten the fact today was my day to interrogate her?

I chuckled. "Not a chance. It's my day to ask questions."

The reminder of that made the little V between her eyes return. Was she worried about the questions I would ask? Or was it the fact she did not like to focus the attention on herself? If the latter was the case - and I believed it was certainly a part of it - she'd better get used to it. Because she was all I ever wanted to pay attention to.

"Oh, that's right. What do you want to know?" she asked without a hint of a smile.

_How about everything, Bella. Give me a little glimpse into your mind, please..._

Hmm, maybe start off easy, instead of trying to beg my way through getting to know her.

"What's your favourite colour?" I asked her, keeping my face serious, hoping she would see this was actually important to me and not some game to pass the time.

"It changes from day to day." Bella said, rolling her eyes, seemingly pointing out she found the question rather uninspiring. Well, perhaps it was not the most meaningful one but to me everything about her had significance. Even something as simple and perhaps trivial as wanting to know her favourite colour. Naturally, her answer wasn't direct but rather one to immediately inspire a new question.

"What's your favourite colour today?" I corrected myself in hopes of getting a more satisfying answer.

"Probably brown."

_Brown_. I looked at her turtleneck sweater and wondered if Bella was the kind of person to match her clothes accordingly to her personal colour of the day.

I did not ask if she was though because her answer was kind of humorous in itself. I had never heard a person answer something as simple as the uninspiring 'what is you favourite colour?' question with the answers she had provided me with. Granted, it was not like I had ever asked that question before to begin with but I wondered if she was actually being serious and not just toying with me for asking the question in the first place..

"Brown?" I asked hoping to hide the mixture of laughter and scepticism in my voice.

"Sure. Brown is warm. I miss brown. Everything that's supposed to be brown — tree trunks, rocks, dirt— is all covered up with squashy green stuff here," she complained.

Ah, of course, it made sense now..."it's too green". Had she not said that in a dream once? Bella was not a fan of the green. And I could not argue with brown being a warm colour for it was the colour of those oddly deep eyes that dazzled me so frequently. Her eyes, which - as I tried to stare into them - were blocked from a proper view by her hair.

"You're right. Brown is warm," I agreed, whilst gently and hesitantly - always trying to keep firm control- sweeping her hair behind her shoulder, the texture and softness of it gracing and warming my fingers, leaving behind a tingling feeling.

_Wrong! So wrong!_ The monster inside roared softly, almost like a purr. He enjoyed it when I touched Bella, whether it was her skin or her hair. What was I doing? Why would I tempt the monster knowing it would get stronger again this way? Why was my self control so easily shaken and brought out of balance? I was not human, why did I continue to act like I was one?

I was relieved that we'd arrived at school by then, knowing I would be better at controlling myself when Bella and I were not in this confined Bella-scented space together. I returned to questioning Bella, hoping it would distract me enough from the monster, still purring inside me.

"What music is in your CD player right now?" I asked trying to hide the anguish I felt from the monster tormenting me.

"Linkin Park"

I couldn't help but smile, because for a moment, the triviality of our similar music taste seemed to make me as human as Bella was. And the monster could not argument that - I felt him taking this small beat down wincing in pain inside me.

I opened the compartment under my CD player to hand Bella a CD. Hybrid Theory by Linkin Park

"Debussy to this?" I asked, knowing how the two music styles could not be further apart. Although equally melancholic in their own way.

Bella looked at the CD, keeping her eyes down. Was she embarrassed for liking this band or was she blushing at the idea we seemed to have a music taste in common? The frustration of not being able to read her thoughts burned inside me and gave me more stimulance to continue my questionnaire.

As the day went on, I fired questions at Bella. What movies she liked and disliked. Apparently she was not a fan of romantic comedies, but appreciated movies with a normal dose of realism, which I could understand since most movies seemed to be filled with ridicule when you were a vampire.

I asked her whether or not she had travelled a lot in her life and where she still wanted to go - She had spend all her time between Phoenix and Forks, until she convinced her father to spend the summers in California with her because she failed to see the appeal of Forks to a fourteen year old who hated the cold and wet.

She wanted to travel to Europe and England in particular because she enjoyed the Austen, Shakespeare and Brönte classics so much - Wuthering Heights was her favourite - and she was curious about the environment that had inspired these books and their authors. The irony of Bella wanting to travel a country which usually had weather as dire as here in Forks made me chuckle and she agreed the irony was somewhat humorous.

One thing I learned quickly - although it did not come as a surprise at all - was that Bella really didn't seem to be a fan of talking about herself. It made sense though, with everything else I had already silently assessed about her. Still, talking about themselves seemed to be something most humans enjoyed. But not Bella. She answered my questions and elaborated on answers when I asked but throughout all my questions I felt like she hated the fact she was getting so much attention. It was so peculiar she felt that way, because I felt quite the opposite. Like a junkie getting another fix with every answer she gave me, I wanted to know more. Every answer sparked more questions and I realized I would never be done. I'd always want to know more, hear her clear and shy voice, like it was a beautiful symphony composed only for me. I could not get enough.

Another thing that occasionally happened during my questioning was Bella's face reddening at some of the things I asked her.

This, of course was extremely fascinating to me.

Like when I asked her about her favourite gemstone and she instantly answered 'topaz', seemingly without thinking. I was about to move on to my next question when I noticed how her cheeks flushed with a bright red immediately. Naturally it made me determined to find out why that particular answer would cause that effect on her translucent complexion. But Bella seemed prepared for this, since she dared not look at me. Normally gazing into her gorgeous brown eyes would do the trick of dazzling her, as she called it - although I still wondered who dazzled who because the gazing had the same effect on me - but now she kept her eyes safely locked away from my piercing stare.

"Tell me," I had to demand for her to explain the blush and the fact she didn't want to face me now, only made me more curious and frustrated.

"It's the colour of your eyes today," she sighed, surrendering. She still did not look at me, staring at her hands whilst playing with a strand of her hair. "I suppose if you asked me in two weeks I'd say onyx," she continued, hesitating if she should say more.

She seemed embarrassed, but also wary. Did she expect me to be angry? I thought about that for a second when I suddenly realized why she perhaps felt this discomfort to my possible reaction.

Not so long ago, on the night we drove back from Port Angeles, the night Bella had so bravely accepted what I was, she had told me that it didn't matter to her what I was, that it was already too late. This had unnerved me and I had told her to never say that. Perhaps she feared I was mad because the fact the change in colour of my eyes inspired her favourite gem clearly meant she had not let go of her idea that it was too late. That she was in just as deep as I was.

But how could I be mad? Wasn't that exactly what I wanted? Bella as madly in love with me as I was with her. If I disregarded the monster and just focused on these resurfacing human feelings, which grew stronger with everything I learned about Bella, how could I be mad at any indication or sign that perhaps she felt slightly the same?

Of course I could not ignore the monster. And my feelings, albeit strong and still growing had to be kept firmly in check, especially if I wanted to keep Bella safe. But I wasn't mad at her and I decided that it would be best if I just did not pay attention to her answer, though as much as I wanted to. Instead I just continued firing questions at her.

"What kinds of flowers do you prefer?"

She seemed to appreciate the fact I did not stop the questioning because of her previous answer and eased up when she told me she liked lilacs and freesias. Naturally, as if it was perfectly normal to me - and it felt strangely normal, almost human - I made a mental note of her floral preferences.

The beauty of keeping the questionnaire going was not only the part of getting to know Bella better - that was pure beauty in itself, since it was what I desperately wanted - it also distracted me from focussing too much on all the complexity of what was going on inside me. All these feelings. I did not have any human memories that even resembled or could be measured with everything I felt now. But dwelling on that, would lead to bringing back all these yearnings. Human longings, belonging to a man with a beating heart and a warm body. Not a stone-cold skinned vampire.

Unfortunately there was no escaping Biology. Mr. Banner brought back the audio-visual frame for another round of Lorenzo's Oil. And the darkness brought back the electricity and all these yearnings I had managed to push back for most of the day. The monster, purring again, gloriously basked in the glow of the sparks in the air. Although I didn't want to - it felt unnatural to do so- I slid my chair away from Bella. Not that it helped one bit. Not in the least because Bella seemed to have the same reaction to the darkness of the room as me. She leaned forward, resting her chin on her folded arms, gripping the edge of our table tightly, like she had to restrain herself from touching me.

Longing for me. Like I for her.

I knew I should not be surprised anymore at the possibility that this heavenly woman so close to me, could possibly feel the exact same way I did despite knowing what I was, but it continued to amaze me in unexplainable ways. Still, all that amazement did not help me at this point. The yearning - or was it the monster. Or both? - roared inside me and it took an extreme amount of focus to make it through the hour. When Mr. Banner finally switched the lights back on and I looked at Bella, I could read relief on her face. The kind of relief that seemed to confirm my thoughts and made me feel strangely triumphant again, more than when Bella had turned down Mike, Eric and Tyler's dance invitations. Even more so than when she said yes to me the day after that. Bella longed for me.

This newly confirmed belief naturally had its effect on me - it left like being warmed by the afterglow of a hot and sunny day, probably caused by all the electricity between Bella and myself - making it irresistible for me not to act on my belief that Bella wanted me too

And so I could not resist touching Bella again when I walked her to Gym. I softly traced her face - from her temple to her jaw - with the back of my hand and hoped my cool skin would not kill her possible longing. Although it would be better for her if it did. My skin, the cold reminder of what I was, washing away all of Bella's longings. It would be more natural. Safe.

But it didn't. A beautiful scarlet blush appeared on her cheeks, heating my hand like I was warming it at a bonfire. Her heart started beating erratically, pumping her blood around even faster. Of course that pleased the monster and although I still felt triumphant at my latest discovery, I decided not to push it and walked away.

Spanish was not very interesting. Mainly because I had to resort to Mike Newton's mind again to check on Bella. Luckily she did not participate and watched from at the sidelines while Newton played badminton alone. I was almost thankful for this act of chivalry because it would keep Bella unharmed. Though the idea of seeing him get harmed at Bella's hand entertained me. Also, I did not want him to be chivalrous one bit.

But they did not speak during the entire class and his thoughts seemed to confirm he was not still happy with the news about me and Bella being an item.

_I don't get it. Edward Cullen. I don't see him protecting her, covering for her during Gym. I bet he is just playing her, dumping her as soon as he is done with her._

_Oh Mike Newton. What I would not give to crush every bone in your body_, I thought wryly, immensely enjoying the idea of doing this. Though Bella would probably be averse to it. Of course this frustrated me more because she had no idea of the unpure thoughts about her Mike entertained himself with. But then, was I any better? Did I not entertain impure thoughts myself? Were all these yearnings -both emotional but certainly also physical- not as bad as Mike's? I grabbed the table for some moral restraint. This did not go unnoticed.

_Now what?_

Emmett was curious what was troubling me this time.

_Let me guess... Bella injuring herself with a piece of gym equipment...or did she whack that Newton kid with a racket again_? He chuckled.

"If only...he is getting on my nerves," I clarified my tension quietly

_Mike Newton, ha! The guy may think he is God's gift to the female student body of this place but I'd like to see him outrun a bear. And then see if the females still want him...and then make him run some more. Give the signal and I can make it happen_

"Sure Em, I know how much you love to show the bravoure but harming an innocent won't go down well with Carlisle", I warned Emmett, "No matter how satisfying it would be to see him as bait for food, " I murmured

_Chill, bro. It was a joke! Lighten up! Wow, all this humanity is ruining you. Better hope you don't start smelling like a human too_, he teased

I decided to change the subject, just so I could shift my attention away from Mike Newton for a bit.

"How is Rosalie today. She was awfully quiet at lunch?" All of my siblings had been, I realized.

_Still mad as hell. But that's nothing new. Don't worry, we might take a little trip this weekend. Maybe if I let her shop and don't act too bored, she'll become more tolerable again. Except don't tell her I thought that._ He winked.

"And Jasper? Alice? Anything new there?" I asked, feeling ashamed I had paid no attention to their thoughts all day.

_Look, bro. I am not your family-infotainment letter, OK? If you prefer to be with your girlfriend during lunch and almost every other part of the day, I guess that's all part of your disgustingly mushy new routine. I do not care, I have nothing against her. In fact, she is entertaining, especially when she walks. Or tries too anyway... _

Another grin.

Nothing more amusing to Emmett than my clumsy girlfr...wait, Emmett called Bella my girlfriend? This was surprising. And scarily accepting of him to do so. And oddly comforting. Surely if my brother thought of her that way, it would not be completely ridiculous for me to entertain that particular definition of what Bella was to me, myself.

_But_, Emmett continued before I could dwell on that any further, _do not forget we are your family. I do not expect you to sit with us, but you cannot expect me to keep tabs on the family for you. I know this stuff is new to you and all consuming but pay some attention. Just sayin' it might be useful._

Emmett was right. I had been neglecting my family. Rosalie was mad - although to be fair, I cared littlest about her- and I had disappointed Emmett by not playing any sports games with him anymore lately. Not to mention Jasper and Alice. I was usually the one Jasper could talk to when the struggle against his nature became too severe and I helped Alice deal with it by sharing Jaspers thoughts with her. Now, because of her horrific vision of Bella and myself in the meadow- a scene not ending well for Bella, at least that's how Alice had seen it - I had treated Alice almost like a pariah. I had all of them, even my parents. All because I was afraid of their thoughts. Afraid they would be right to have them. It seemed easier to feel in control and push my worries away when they were not around me to think about what would happen based on what Alice had seen. It felt like silent judgement, although I knew none of them were judging me. Well, maybe Rosalie would. I did expect a strong 'I told you so' from her, if I did in fact harm Bella.

Harm Bella, I shuddered at the idea. Unfortunately that did not diminish the idea all together.

Also, Alice would be less than pleased with me if I did. After all, she and Bella were meant to be friends some day.

Would I manage to ruin that vision? Kill a friendship before it even started?

By the end of Spanish I had driven myself insane with new worries. From Mike Newton's disgusting fantasies, to letting my family down and then back to the major concerns about Alice's vision.

I almost wished to go back in time just a few hours, when I was just asking Bella questions. The simple concept of it, calming me down. All I had to do was focus and control myself. That way Bella would stay unharmed.

The thought of control relaxed me enough in time for Bella to come walking out of Gym. Her wide smile - hmm, who should be accused of dazzling people now, Ms. Swan? - made me smile in return, naturally melting all my worries.

Still unfulfilled in my quest to get to know Bella, but also as a distraction I fired off more questions again during our drive to her house. These were no longer trivial questions though; I wanted to know more about Phoenix, hoping it would not make her too sad to talk about it.

It did not seem that way though, because she became quite enthusiastic when describing things from her former home town. It was completely obvious Bella had loved Phoenix and all it had to offer. While I was happy to know, it also made me sad. Bella truly seemed to miss Phoenix and I could not really see why she was here. Yes, she wanted to bond with her father. She wanted her mother to be happy with her new husband without having to focus on Bella. These were rational reasons explaining why she had decided to come here. But how could she ever love Forks the way she loved Phoenix? Bella loved the sun. One of nature's finest resources and the one thing Forks lacked most of the time. Bella clearly did not like the climate which was best for my kind and I wondered if my presence here would ever be enough to keep her around. How could it be, since the sun was usually my kind's greatest enemy? Perhaps not in the way described in silly myths, but an enemy nonetheless, because that kind of exposure would be very bad.

That kind of exposure would be very bad. Right, the meadow. Would Bella be ready for my exposure to the sun this Saturday? Would this finally trigger some of the fear I'd been expecting for her to feel and make her run away from me. The most appropriate response to everything I was and yet the response I feared the most. Would I try and stop her when she finally ran? I probably would. Would that scare her even more? Would the monster enjoy her fear and come out and -

Bella broke through my silent worries.

"Are you finished?" she asked with relief in her voice

Was I finished? Did her relief indicate she wanted me to be? Was she tired of my questions? More worries rose, but I decided that it did not matter. No, I was not finished. I'd never be.

"Not even close — but your father will be home soon."

"Charlie!" Her voice sounded like she had forgotten about him all together

"How late is it?" she wondered while she glanced at the clock.

"It's twilight," I murmured, looking through the windshield at the western horizon, which was entirely obscured with clouds.

I could feel her looking at me, wondering what I meant, so I explained.

"It's the safest time of day for us," I said, answering the unspoken question in her eyes. "The easiest time. But also the saddest, in a way… the end of another day, the return of the night. Darkness is so predictable, don't you think?" I tried to smile, but I felt an immense sadness wash over me. Another day with Bella that had come to an end. How many more days would I be granted before Bella decided it was enough. Before I lost all control and -

"I like the night. Without the dark, we'd never see the stars." Bella said, frowning, pulling me out of my thoughts. "Not that you see them here much."

This made me laugh. As long as Bella was still here, I should not waste this precious time with what the future might hold, should I?

"Charlie will be here in a few minutes. So, unless you want to tell him that you'll be with me Saturday…" I suggested, knowing she would decline.

"Thanks, but no thanks."

I was right. Still no reason for Bella to tell her father about me. I tried to hide my frustration about that, which was difficult, because I wanted her to tell him. For several reasons, some more selfish than others.

Bella did not seem to notice, as she was collecting her books and stretching her muscles. "So is it my turn tomorrow, then?" she asked

Bella, always averse to attention. So eager to shift the focus back to me. Well, the focus would be on me aplenty on Saturday...

"Certainly not!" I said, teasing her by pretending to be outraged at her suggestion. "I told you I wasn't done, didn't I?"

Bella did not like this. "What more is there?"

Did she really think I was done learning about her? If she did, she was wrong. Very wrong.

"You'll find out tomorrow." I told as I reached across to open the door for her.

The heat coming of her skin and Bella's heart speeding up brought the electricity and yearning back to my body and into my mind. Naturally her scent hit me hard as well. While I was getting more accustomed to it because I deliberately breathed in her scent as much as I could now, it still threw me and that did not make it easier for me to control myself. Especially not when I was so close to her, her body temperature warming me to the core, her scent taking me in completely.

And as if that wasn't enough to deal with, I smelled something else in the air too. The scent of something more animalistic. The scent of an enemy...

My hand froze on the handle. This was bad. _Very bad._

"Not good," I muttered clenching my jaw, trying to keep in control. But the smell of Bella combined with that other, far more disturbing - and certainly less appealing - smell, made it hard to focus.

"What is it?" Bella asked, giving me a look of concern.

"Another complication," I told her, feeling both anger as well as defeat. This was not the way our day should end. But there was no time for proper goodbyes now so I flung the door open for Bella and then pulled back into my seat, leaning away from her as far as I could.

A flash of headlights shining through the rain caught Bella's attention as a dark car pulled up to the curb a few feet away from my Volvo.

"Charlie's around the corner," I warned her, staring through the downpour at the vehicle facing us now.

Bella got out, although I suspected she had to be confused about what was going on now. I wanted to explain but I kept my eyes ahead, looking at this latest complication.

I had to leave, right away. It was wrong and rude but hopefully Bella would understand once she saw who these unexpected guests were, paying her a visit. I hated the idea of leaving her alone to deal with these visitors because it went against everything I wanted and felt but right now staying was not an option. It would only make things more difficult and dangerous.

I pressed down the gas pedal hard, speeding away. Leaving Bella to fend for herself. I knew she was not in danger. These visitors would never harm her. In fact, they'd most likely do anything to protect her. While I would normally applaud that, in this case I was not sure if I wanted them to.

Because Billy Black - and perhaps his son too - would only want to protect Bella from one thing.

_Me._


	4. note

Note for chapter 2: In Twilight Bella doesn't actually give answers to the - favourite flowers, places she's been/wants to go/ books/ movies - questions, so the answers are based on some of the things we know and do not have a factual reference. We know she is a fan of Brönte, Austen and Shakespeare, which inspired the going to England bit. As for flowers, she likes Edward's scent which is partially lilac according to her in BD (that's not too big a spoiler, I think) so, I chose lilacs and freesias (also from a BD moment, which I won't spoil) as her favourite flowers.

She has traveled to Albuquerque but doesn't tell Edward about it until New Moon which is why I didn't mention it here.

And I know it's a long long chapter but Edward overthinks everything. I know I could make it more brief, but for some reason it doesn't feel right to make Edward's thoughts shorter. And yes, him and his monster inside. It's repeated alot but in Twilight the monster does not seem to completely fade until the meadow, so...I'd hate to make things too easy for him ;) Not to mention, we cannot make Edward too perfect can we :P

The next chapter will be called 'Balancing', it'll be the parallel chapter to chapter 12 of Twilight. These first 2 chapters mostly covered "Complications", chapter 11 from Twilight. Since it'll be written from Edward's POV, it'll feature more Cullen family action :)

Last: thanks so much for all the encouraging reviews! It really pleases me people like this :)


	5. Balancing

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and Midnight Sun, its dialogues, the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2008 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**CHAPTER 3: BALANCING**

_"A man may run faster than the wind_

_But he will get nowhere_

_For he's running in vicious circles_

_Desperately trying to outrun himself"_

For once, there were barely any thoughts or sounds. There was an almost perfect stillness. An effortless stillness on my part. I did not have to tune anyone or anything out. The silence tried to sooth the anger and frustration that consumed every part of my body. Anger, brought on by this enemy, determined to unmask me for what I was, so that they could take away everything I had gained in this past few months. And the frustration, because they were not in the wrong, because they were after the same thing as I was; protecting the one I loved like I had tried to do all these months. Of course, they did not want to protect her from just any danger; they wanted to protect her from me.

I had sat in my car for a while, almost enjoying this silence. It calmed me, albeit momentarily. I sat there, breathing in Bella's scent, drowning in it, forcing pleasure and pain to balance this delicate, fine wire. Inside me the hunter fought the hero, the man fought the monster. Of course thinking about the hunter - the monster - did not help me to find any composure. It brought back all the anger and frustration and the hunter and the monster roared at that, trying to drive me mad.

I needed to unwind fast before the madness could take me over completely and so I left my car and decided to run. I ran through Hoh Rain Forest, bouncing from one branch to the next, leaving the trees swaying in the wind. The pouring rain soaked me through and through but I did not care. It felt real. The wetness and coolness of the water as a reminder that _I_ was real.

A breathing being, part of the atmosphere, the universe.

I came to a stop in the middle of the forest, standing there amidst the dark shadows of the woods, letting everything sink in.

By now, Bella would know who the visitors I left her with were. Charlie would be home and perhaps their guests would be staying for dinner. Then, during dessert Billy Black would casually warn Bella not to get involved with the Cullens and me in particular. Maybe he'd be discrete about it, trying subtleness to convince Bella, because he would not want to alarm Charlie right away. Maybe Bella would tell Billy Black to mind his own business. But the damage would be done nonetheless.

If Bella refused to listen - and she seemed stubborn enough to do just that-, Billy Black might have some incentive to warn his friend and if Charlie would take Billy's warnings seriously he might forbid Bella to be around me.

That would be bad, because it would leave Bella at an impasse. She wouldn't want to deliberately cross her father but at the same time she surely couldn't stop seeing me, could she? I mean, there was school, although we only had one class together - something I really needed to change, I reminded myself, a visit to Mrs. Cope's office would be in order - but what about outside of school?

Could Charlie forbid her to see me? Would Bella accept that kind of ultimatum from her father?

Of course, none of this mattered in the least if Billy Black succeeded in convincing Bella that she should stay away from me. Maybe she'd listen to what he'd tell her and take it to heart.

Maybe he had been able to convince her of the monster I was. I dared not believe Bella would switch so easily -after all I had not been able to scare her off so far myself - but who knew...it would certainly feel like some strange form of poetic justice, if the one person to keep Bella away from me would be Billy Black.

As I stood there, the rain and darkness washing over me, I felt something grow inside of me. In every bone, every muscle and every vein I felt an unease I had never felt before. It almost overtook me inside completely. If my heart had been able to beat, I might have experienced a heart attack. It almost felt similar to when I had heard Bella speak my name in her sleep for the first time. The night my love for her had settled in every portion of me. This new feeling tried to do the same, settle inside me. But this was not a feeling I wanted. Not a feeling I needed. This was a feeling I could not allow, for it would do me no good.

_I could not be afraid._

Fear is an interesting concept to an immortal being. Seeing as it barely exists in any of us. Ask a vampire if he has ever experienced fear and perhaps he'll mention the transformation period. That makes perfect sense, because human memories still linger during that time. But with the absence of a heart beat comes the absence of fear. Because there's little to lose when you're immortal.

Of course lately, I had rekindled the feeling of an imaginary heart beat, especially when Bella was in my presence. So perhaps it only made sense, that I was now afraid...it wasn't the first time; I'd been afraid at the restaurant in Port Angeles, when Bella had touched my hand and I'd been afraid she'd be repulsed by the touch of my skin - she wasn't -but this fear was far more consuming and worrying.

After all, never before did I have anything so precious to lose...

I could have stayed in the peace of the forest for hours, but I needed to go home. Despite a head full with worries and now fears - plenty of space in a vampire's mind to harbour them all - I remembered what Emmett had told me in the afternoon. He was not my eyes and ears in connection to my family. I used to be the eyes and ears but lately I had been completely focussed on Bella, so I had neglected my parents and siblings terribly. I decided to make some amends with all of them.

When I arrived home, I found Rosalie in the garage, working on her BMW. That was not a surprise - Rosalie loved to work on that ostentatious car of hers. Ah well, maybe it would put her in a reasonable mood. Maybe...

"Hello Rose," I started, hoping, -well wishfully thinking- she'd be in fact in a reasonable mood.

_Hello moron..._

Ok, she'd be far from reasonable...

"Look, Rosalie, I understand you are mad, I do. But don't you think we should talk about this, like family," I said in a pleading, almost soothing voice.

"Family? What do you even still know about family? Haven't you - oh so conveniently - traded us in, for that human girl now? Sure looks to me, like you have," Rosalie said angrily

Yes, no way to try and reason with her whatsoever...

"I know I have been a bit absent lately, but this is all -"

"Oh, shut up," Rosalie interrupted in mad frustration. "Boohoo, Edward has fallen for a human girl, now that's all he has time for. Bella this, Bella that, Bella is so precious because she is human. Well, I for one am sick and tired to hear about Bella."

Oh, right. Rosalie's problem with Bella had a lot to do with Rosalie's jealousy of her. Bella was indeed a very precious human and Rosalie hated the fact she wasn't. Of course there was more to this jealousy of hers and I knew I'd make a terrible mistake by doing so, but I couldn't help but laugh loudly at the ridicule of that particular jealousy Rosalie felt.

The bellowing echo of it made its way through the garage and Rosalie's black eyes furiously blazed at me, remembering I knew about her envy.

_Jackass! You stupid arrogant jackass!_

I tried to compose myself but failed to smother a chuckle. "Rose, this thing...this jealousy, don't you think it's a bit...unnecessary." I said carefully trying not to laugh again.

Alright, so I was deliberately heading for a confrontation with her. I thought it would be best if all these feelings were out in the open between us. At some point - and rather sooner than later - she'd have to accept Bella. Bella was a part of my existence now and by not accepting her, Rosalie would not accept me. Also, this discussion about Bella could not go on forever.

"Unnecessary? Who do you think you are, you arrogant fool!" Rosalie was fuming now. "You think I want you, do you? Please, your perfect little Bella might want you, but I could not care less about you. I tolerate you because you're my brother and I am forced by Cullen-law to even remotely like you but without that I would have wiped that smugness out of your system a long time ago. And I will hunt you like a dog if you ever bring this up again!!"

Her words were nothing but a distant echo now, because all I heard was

Bella might want you.

_Say those magic words and prepare to lose me from the discussion_, I thought whilst trying to concentrate on Rosalie's fury.

So she was angry, was that really my problem? Did that have anything to do with my necessity to balance my family and Bella? I decided it did not.

"Ok, let's leave it at that then. But remember one thing though; Bella is a part of my life now and you have to accept that." I gestured at the space around me "She will eventually be around here too. You don't have like it, but you do have to accept it", I told Rosalie, hoping my voice would sound plain and clear.

She didn't buy it though.

"Do I? I don't think I need to accept anything. You haven't even made it past this Saturday yet. Who knows what will happen at the meadow. You either kill her or you don't. My money, and I mean actual money, is on you killing her, by the way," she said with a grand smugness in her tone.

"Money..? You...are you taking bets on this?" I asked too astounded to be mad

Now it was her turn to laugh. And naturally she did.

A high melodic pitched laugh filled the garage, underlining and mocking my horror and disgust. My family was taking bets on something that could be the most life-turning event in my entire history. Bets against me...

Rosalie saw my horror and smiled at me, her black stare entirely vanished now and replaced by mocking.

"Oh, relax Edward; I am sure you'll prove some of us wrong. Wonder who you'll exactly prove right though..." she said, trying to hide her joy about it. "I suppose I should not hope it is me but I would not mind the money. My BMW could use a new radio, Dolby Digital sound might work," she murmured as she flitted past me, no longer paying attention to me or my rapidly growing anger at this latest reveal.

For a moment I was too stunned and took consumed with my anger to move. Taking best on Bella's safety. Her life? Her death?

Death at my hands?

I heard the monster roar at the possibility as it entered my thoughts and the sound of his fierce internal growling, snapped me out of it and into action.

Clearly I needed some answers.

I entered the house a few seconds later, hoping to find someone in there who could explain to me why my family would turn the outcome of my Saturday with Bella into a game with financial stakes.

Carlisle and Esme were in the living room. They seemed to be having one of their moments. As Carlisle was holding Esme's heart shaped face, staring into her eyes, I felt both discomfort - seeing parents expressing their love for one another seemed embarrassing to any child, whether you were a regular seventeen year old, or one who'd been around for quite some time - but also that same envy I had felt in the hospital, when my father had examined Bella after I had saved her from Tyler's van. They could actually express their love, whereas I could barely touch Bella without feeling the monster go berserk inside me.

Before I could either stalk past them quietly or announce my presence, Carlisle had already spotted me, therefore breaking the spell that was holding him and Esme in their moment.

"Edward, you're home. How was school today?" he asked smilingly

This was clearly code for "how are things with Bella?" and the question brought back the feeling I had felt just before I'd arrived home. I pushed back the anger over the bet and thought about that other emotion: _fear._

The fear of losing Bella because of something Billy Black might have already told her by now. For all I knew, right this minute Bella might no longer be interested in me or at least bound from that interest. It seemed like a ridiculous thought, but I could not be sure of anything until I'd see her again, which would not be until night time. And even then, I could not talk to her and try to process her words, expressions and movements until tomorrow. And I had no idea if I'd still get the chance to do this then. All this did not help my attempt to try and push back the fear with reason one bit.

Not wanting to give my parents another thing concerning me to worry about - like Alice's vision portraying me as the -soon to be- murderer of the girl I loved wasn't unsettling enough to them - I tried to sound blasé, but my voice cracking gave me away, unable to hide the fear, the small panic.

"Billy Black and his son are over at Bella's house right now," I blurted out, knowing my parents wouldn't quite understand any of this without a broader explanation.

Carlisle silently searched for one immediately, trying to put the name into place.

_Billy Black, a descendant of Ephraim Black_, he guessed

"He's an Quileute elder and friends with Chief Swan," I elaborated, "He saw me tonight; me and Bella together, in front of her house."

"And, you are afraid that he'll tell Bella and her father something about the treaty, about our family?" Carlisle asked softly, sensing my fear.

"Bella knows about the existence of the treaty," I reminded him, "but her father doesn't. I don't expect Billy Black to tell Chief Swan but I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to warn Bella about me - and all of us- in some way. Perhaps even using Chief Swan for it. He just has to plant the seed, without even mentioning a treaty or anything else regarding our mutual history and the damage could be done."

"I...I know I should be worried about the possible new threat of exposure this turn of events might bring to the family and yet all I fear is losing Bella." I continued with a mixture of fear and anxiety as well as a newly found shame - born from my selfishness - in my voice.

"Son, of course you are afraid of losing Bella and naturally you prioritize that fear above the needs of the family," Carlisle said understandingly, compassionately, "this is all so new to you...trying to balance all these feelings and expectations."

"I know I haven't been around much. That I have separated myself from all of you," I murmured apologetically

_My poor boy_, Esme thought, _he is always so tough on himself. So full of worries._

"I can't seem to stop worrying, or being afraid," I answered my mother's thoughts aloud, "It's like the more time I spend with Bella, the more worried I grow. And now I am even afraid. I don't quite know or even understand what is happening to me"

"You're in love and so you're experiencing every feeling relating to it, extending that feeling of love," Esme smiled, almost approvingly, as if this was all so natural.

_Maybe it is time you brought Bella here. Maybe it's time to officially introduce her to the family_, she silently suggested as if it was the most normal thing in the world, me bringing home a girl. A human girl...who I was still scheduled to kill in less than 2 days.

_What?_ Bella here, at my home? Why would I do that, when Alice's vision clearly showed that Bella might not be around long enough for that to actually happen? Where my family had even conjured up a bet to prove this would not ever happen.

The thought of the bet on whether or not Bella would safely return from the meadow, sparked my anger, momentarily pushing back my fear of losing Bella to the stories Billy Black might enlighten her with.

"I don't understand. You want me to bring Bella here?" I asked in confusion, "but what about the vision? _And the bet_?" I added more angrily

"The bet is Rosalie's doing," Carlisle explained disapprovingly. "Unsurprisingly Emmett was eager to join in. More surprisingly, so were Jasper and Alice."

Of course my father would not be pleased with the unethical idea of his children taking bets over - and profiting from - the taking of a human life.

"Alice joined in on the bet?" I asked, feeling small shock wash over me

This was bad. She would _only_ join in, if she was sure of the outcome. So I would kill Bella after all, on Saturday. It's what she had seen and she would not bet against it. Unless her vision had changed. But wouldn't she have told me if it had..?

Granted, I hadn't had any real contact with her in days, so occupied with everything involving Bella...

On the other hand...one of her visions had shown her, that she would love Bella too, some day. That they would be friends. And she'd hate me if I harmed or killed Bella. Surely joining in on a bet which concerned her future friend's wellbeing could be considered as extremely insensitive...

It was Esme who pulled me from my disturbing train of thought. Leave it to a mother to try and calm her son with words of wisdom.

"Edward, you love Bella. You fear losing her. Surely that feeling proves you won't harm her; proves that Alice's vision is off the mark this time. It has happened before."

Carlisle chimed in. "Esme is right, son. This new feeling, this fear, it must mean something more. You are in so deep, so afraid to lose Bella. Surely that must precisely be the reason why you won't harm her. And I sincerely apologize to you for thinking Alice's vision would truly take place and about wanting you to leave Bella before it would. I should have had more faith in you," he said apologetically, ashamed to have doubted me

Less than two days ago, Carlisle had proposed I'd leave, making sure Alice's visions - any of them, all of them - would never come to pass. It would be the only way to keep Bella safe. Now, he seemed to take that idea back by apologizing. Meaning he, as well as Esme, had faith nothing bad would happen on Saturday.

That, combined with the knowledge Alice had joined in on the bet too, made me eager to find her and talk about it. Maybe she did have a new vision she had yet to tell me about. After all, she'd never bet against her friend's life, right...

"You really believe, I'll bring Bella home safe and sound on Saturday," I asked my parents.

"I have faith you will," Carlisle said in support. Of course my father would have faith in me. He always had and there was probably nothing in the world, no action of mine he would not understand. I could only hope to not let him down, even if to him it would never seem that way.

_I want you to bring Bella over here soon,_ Esme told me in silence. It should have been odd for my mother to even think - let alone speak - the name of my human love but it felt normal. _Natural._ Like the name had been spoken a thousand times before. Like Bella was part of the family already.

Of course I should eventually bring Bella over. It made sense. Too long I had tried to balance being what I was, a side I could only show around my family and trying to behave as human as possible around Bella. The two didn't mesh as much as I had expected them too - after all, my family and I had grown quite accustomed to human mannerisms - Carlisle being one of the town's most experienced and skilled doctors, Esme participating in, and sometimes even organizing social gatherings in Forks, my siblings and I attending school like any other students.

But the balance between man and monster: the two sides of being human on an emotional level and yet physically a vampire needed to co-exist in an easier manner. This was only possible when, but more importantly _if_ I'd get the chance to truly show myself to Bella on Saturday. If she would not run from me once I had.

_If I did not kill her_, I thought wryly - then maybe, just maybe she'd be able to meet my family without it being too abnormal of fearful for her.

Of course, this was thinking ahead of the situation. I still needed to make it through Saturday.

The meadow. The vision. The bet... I went off to find Alice, hoping she'd be able to explain some things.

I had no such luck unfortunately. I found Jasper and Emmett near the river though; ready to eagerly fight one another in a freshly organized wrestling match. Emmett was desperate to win, since he'd lost to Jasper three times in a row already. Of course beating someone like Jasper was impossible, since he was the most knowledgeable when it came to war tactics and therefore had combat styles and movements down. I was only able to beat him, because I could anticipate his moves before he'd be able to make them. Same went for Emmett, despite his supposed strength, displayed by his impressive body shape, he had yet to beat me.

"Hey, bro...want to join? Winner of all matches gets first dibs on the next hunt," Emmett suggested cheerfully.

Leave it to Emmett to fight for food. Or with food.

But I did not want to join. Not unless the stakes were placed a bit more accordingly to my needs.

"Better idea," I suggested, "Winner of all matches tells Rose and Alice your latest bet is off..."

_Great, he knows about the bet. Now he's gonna act all mad and tortured. There goes my fun. Not fair. It would have been the easiest 100 bucks I'd ever win._

Leave it to Emmett to see the fun in me killing a person. Killing the love of my life and make a little money. That's always good for laughs...

Jasper seemed more considerate. Probably, because he was sensing my mood.

_Hmm, Edward seems on edge. Perhaps this bet placement was a bad idea. Certainly not very appropriate._

"No, it isn't," I agreed aloud. "It isn't very appropriate. It's disgusting"

"Is it?" Emmett asked. "Because I see nothing wrong with a little fun at Bella's expense..."

He grinned. _Girl is hilarious when she's trying to walk. Wonder how good she is at running..._

His last thought made me snap, a growl roaring from inside me.

"Calm down, Edward," Jasper pleaded, his hands on my shoulder, trying to restrain me from lunging myself at Emmett. "It's just a joke. Trying to see some lightness in all of this. Rosalie came up with it. Perhaps we should have been more considerate but this is all new to us too. We are trying to understand what is going on with you..."

Emmett smiled almost sheepishly at Jasper's reveal. "Look bro, my life would be a living hell f I sided against Rose. Also, maybe this needs to happen. Maybe once you kill her, once it is over, you'll be able to move on. Everything will get back to normal and...-"

I did not let him finish his explanation; I was too blind with fury to care. "One match, Emm. You and me. If I win, all bets on Bella's wellbeing are off. "I downright demanded, knowing my bulky brother would welcome this challenge.

"And if I win," Emmett offered suggestively, "...what do I get?"

He'd get nothing. "Simple. _You won't win_..."

Bella was sleeping silently when I climbed through her window. I took that as a good sign. If Billy Black had truly done harm, she would have probably been more restless. But she seemed peaceful and that put me at ease a little.

I would have been more relaxed if I had managed to find Alice. But she'd been hunting and hadn't returned home by the time I went to check on Bella. Jasper had gone to find her, after he and Emmett had put in a few rounds of wrestling. Jasper won all of them, because Emmett had been too distracted from his loss to me.

It had been touch and go for me since I was distracted because of the Black visit and could barely concentrate on Emmett's thoughts to anticipate his moves. My brother took advantage of that and had me floored almost immediately. But I had something to fight for - I really wanted my siblings to drop the entire bet thing - so I put in an effort to focus. I knew Emmett was going to try and keep me down on the floor, until Jasper called time and with that the game.

So just before he settled all his weight on me, I managed to grab one of his legs, distracting him long enough to be unsure about his next move. Then I managed to tighten my grip on the leg, whilst putting my other arm around my brother's waist to flip him over. As soon as Emmett was on the floor, I got up and demanded Jasper to call the match in my favour.

Jasper, sensing I was in no mood to be argued with, did so, leaving Emmett to protest loudly. I did not care; I could only hope my brothers would drop the bet now, since it unsettled me to think anyone would benefit from whatever would happen on Saturday. Unless, there was a positive outcome...

Bella remained sleeping quietly for the rest of the night and that comforted me as much as it made me feel wary. I had hoped she would perhaps say my name, soothing the worry and fear inside me, but she stayed silent. Just before the crack of dawn, I returned home to prepare myself for a new day. I caught Alice waiting for me in my room.

I could hear her as I hovered up the stairs.

_Edward relax, he didn't say anything. He wanted to, but he didn't. Yet..._

She was thinking of Billy Black.

"So, if I pick up Bella in a few hours, everything will be alright?" I asked to confirm, as I entered my room.

"For now, yes. But Billy Black won't leave it at this, I am afraid. He will try to warn Bella again." Alice said, her tone convincing.

"I didn't expect anything less, but at least everything is -...wait...you saw a vision of him trying to warn Bella again? A vision taking place after tomorrow..?" I asked with hope in my voice.

If she had, than maybe everything would be fine after all. I'd rather worry about Billy Black and the treaty than about killing Bella.

"Not exactly. I mean, it's mostly common sense. He is Charlie Swan's friend, so naturally he wants to protect Charlie and Bella. I doubt he'd just leave it at this, especially if he realizes that Bella will not stop seeing you," Alice explained.

"So, your vision hasn't changed..?" I wondered, trying to hide the defeat in my voice.

Alice gave me a soft smile. "Edward, aren't you the one who always says that my visions are not set in stone? Why are you so convinced this one will happen?"

She had a point. I usually took her visions with caution, knowing they did not always come to pass. But this was different.

In her vision Alice had seen me _lose control_. And I knew, that if I could not contain the monster, defeat the monster even, than the vision would be followed by me harming Bella and quite possibly even killing her.

That was why I was so convinced. This wasn't a guessing game. This was about self control. And I had no idea if I possessed enough of it to keep Bella alive. To keep Bella, period. And that insecurity made the vision seem all the more realistically possible.

"You know why," I murmured, "If I lose control..."

"So, don't lose control. Why don't we go hunting this afternoon, right after lunch, so you'll have less of a problem with the thirst tomorrow," Alice offered, "it could do no harm.."

"That sounds like a good idea. Thanks Alice," I said, producing a faint smile.

"Right, better get ready for school. You have to pick up Bella soon. Oh, and Edward, I foresee you introducing us this afternoon," she winked.

I looked into her mind but there was no vision of it. It was her demand for showing support, going on a hunt with me, even though she had hunted tonight. I probably could not get out of it.

Alice was about to leave my room, when I suddenly remembered something.

"Alice, I called after her, "the bet...why would you participate in it..?" I asked, still puzzled as to why she'd do that.

"Isn't that a bit...morbid, to bet against the life of someone whose supposed to become your friend...I am not sure if I should introduce you, knowing that," I added teasingly, hoping this was a way to stop Alice from introducing herself. I'd rather keep Bella to myself a little bit longer.

How much longer was anyone's guess though? If she survived Saturday, she was expected to meet my family at some point in the near future. Was I ready for that?

"I placed my money on you bringing her back," Alice clarified, drawing my attention, "Because I think you will. There's a balance that is going to be reset tomorrow. You kill her or you'll make way for the future. Despite my vision, I think you'll do the latter"

_A future where Bella will join our family_, Alice silently added, her thoughts a mixture of happiness and caution at my reaction.

She vanished from my room before I even could react. But she knew what I'd say anyway. Bella would never join my family as an immortal. _Never_. Even if I were going to make way for a future _with_ Bella, instead of killing her, this future would never harbour any hint of immortality.

If I kept my self control tomorrow, if I beat the monster and kept Bella alive than that would be the way things were supposed to be. Bella, alive.

I quickly changed myself into some fresh clothes and then headed to the Swan residence to pick Bella up for school. The fear I had felt in the forest last night, had returned, albeit it wasn't as strong and wretchedly consuming as it had been last night. Alice said Billy Black probably hadn't spoken to Bella about the family. But Alice's visions were as much interpretation as they were events factually coming to pass.

_Edward, aren't you the one who always says that my visions are not set in stone? _Alice's voice echoed inside me.

If that was true, than maybe Billy Black had spoken to Bella or her dad after all.

The frustration of not knowing was enough for me to push down the gas peddle resulting in me to arrive at Bella's house within 5 minutes.

Chief Swan was still there, though by the sounds of rummaging I guessed he was about to leave. I was happy to catch him at home though because of the small snippet of thought he always presented me with.

His thoughts were never clear to me, but this image in his mind was. Bella smiling, Bella whistling when she came downstairs.

_Bella seems cheerful_, as Charlie's mind described it.

This was a good sign. Surely Bella wouldn't be smiling if anything bad had happened with Billy Black the night before.

I did not have time to ponder this internally for too long, since Charlie pulled away from the drive-way and it would only be a matter of minutes before I could see Bella's frame of mind for myself. Or rather, as much as her eyes would allow me to unravel.

I manoeuvred the Volvo onto the drive-way, waiting with the engine off and windows rolled down. I didn't need to wait long, because Bella came outside immediately.

She did hot hesitate this time, as opposed to the morning before, where she genuinely seemed surprised I'd been there to pick her up. Now, she climbed into the passenger seat right away, naturally accompanied by her seductively dangerous scent and her blazingly pleasant warmth.

I breathed in deep through my nose, knowing the scent would burn my throat and awaken the monster, like it always did.

I was not wrong, the monster echoed a roar inside but it didn't seem that bad. After all, Bella was still here; Billy Black hadn't said anything to convince her otherwise. And Alice believed I would bring Bella back tomorrow.

But still, I was curious. I remembered how Bella had slept quietly last night and I wanted to know if she had dreamt - preferably about me - at all.

"How did you sleep?" I asked, hoping Bella would notice it sounded loving, caring.

"Fine. How was your night?" Bella asked

My night. A rollercoaster. See, I thought I was going to lose you because of Billy Black's visit. Then there is the fact my sister had this vision about me killing you in the meadow. And my siblings took this hilarious information to place a bet on. Yes, feel free to laugh at the morbidity of it all - Let's see; I beat my brother at a wrestling match. Oh and by the way, my parents want to meet you...

It would almost be hilarious, if it wasn't all still so confusing, not to mention dangerous. Still, all in all I felt like I did not lie when I told her how my night had been.

"Pleasant.", I told her, unable to hide my entertainment when I re-imagined the look of anger on Emmett's face when I had left him on the floor, forcing Jasper to pronounce me the winner of out wrestling match the night before.

But mostly, what had made my night so amazing, was watching her sleep. It never ceased to amaze me how beautiful she was in the paleness of the moonlight streaming though her window. Her full lips parted in deep and steady breaths.

It was literally breathtaking.

Bella seemed to notice the hint of laughter and amusement in my eyes.

"Can I ask what you did?" she asked curiously.

I wanted to tell her everything. But I realized that at any time I could be telling Bella something which would cross her level of tolerance and when that happened, she'd finally run away, terrified. There seemed no way around it, although I did kind of hope that I was giving Bella too little credit. Maybe she was truly the bravest person I knew, maybe nothing about my nature would scare her enough to stay away from me. Maybe it did not matter what Billy Black would warn her about, once he did. Perhaps she was truly in too deep.

But wasn't it wrong for me to want her to stay. Wouldn't that forever be the moral dangling rope I'd have to balance? Between what I wanted and what I needed and what was right...

Right now, it would not be right to tell Bella about Alice's vision, although the larger part of me wanted to, hoping and even believing, Bella might understand it and still go to the meadow with me, regardless. Still, better to not take that leap of faith. No girl would enjoy a death-threat...

Besides, I had not had enough of getting to know her; today, all baring truths would have to come from Bella. I couldn't help but smile widely at the idea of rounding up a new set of questions for her.

"No." I grinned. "Today is still mine."

Our day continued much alike the day before. I fired questions at her; I asked about her mother and Bella answers proved that Renée was the child and Bella had taken on the role of the parent in that relationship. In Phoenix, Renée had been full of ideas, unbeknownst how to execute them and Bella had been her moral supporter and guidance giver, making sure Renée would not mess up too badly.

One time Renée had enrolled herself in a sculpturing contest, without ever taking a class or having any basic knowledge of sculpturing. Bella had been thirteen at the time.

Renée had also managed to set the kitchen on fire - although small, rather harmless ones - a few times, because she'd be to busy doing callanetics or yoga - or whatever her fitness routine had been at the time- in front of the television, totally forgetting about dinner or the cookies she was baking. All in all, she tried to be the mother but often come out looking like a child. Still, going by the stories; Bella and Renée were best friends.

Bella also spoke with love about her Grandma Marie -Renée's mother - who had died about 6 years before. She and Bella had been a team in trying to keep Renée's sometimes inappropriate and un-parent like enthusiasm in tone. It was clear Bella missed her.

When we arrived at the cafeteria, we were talking about her friends in Phoenix and she admitted to not having many over there.

This was almost incomprehensible to me - who could not find Bella amazing - but I understood that maybe Bella didn't feel like she fit in with most people. At school she seemed to like Angela and Jessica and she got along with Mike, Tyler and Eric, but I doubted she felt completely at ease with them.

In case of the boys, I did not mind that so much. Nor when it came to Jessica for that matter. The only one who genuinely seemed to like Bella for Bella without ulterior motives had to be Angela. Even I could not put myself in that category, since I did not just like Bella. _I loved her._

Still, in a wave of irony it occurred to me that the one person she'd seem to fit in with, feel comfortable with, was in fact _me._

That little realization brought back a question I had been meaning to ask her. When I asked, a strange almost pre-emptive jealousy flooded through me. Making me feel oddly anxious.

In my mind, before I spoke, all I could think about were the boys that had contributed to her dating past in Phoenix. I knew that I would probably want to hunt down each and every one she'd ever been out with. Not that I had the right.

After all, technically Bella and I were still friends and even if we'd ever get past that - and if we made it through Saturday, there was a good chance we would - than I still had no right to feel so possessive. But I couldn't help myself and so I asked about the whats and hows on her love life back in Phoenix.

Her answer was as short, as it was encouraging. But also, it was mind-boggling.

She'd never really dated anyone. How was this possible? Surely boys must have swarmed around her in Phoenix the way they did here in Forks. And Phoenix was considerably larger than Forks, so how could it be she'd never dated.

Why was that?

"So you never met anyone you wanted?" I asked, hoping to find an answer that could explain how it could be that this exceptional girl had never met someone she liked before. Could it be that I was the first? And if I was, should I be happy about that? But what if I wasn't? I couldn't just assume I was who she wanted, even if a lot of things pointed towards_ exactly _that. I could not allow myself that hope, that kind of arrogance.

But I wasn't wrong. Her answer was clear.

"Not in Phoenix," she said without the slightest of hesitation.

It made sense. I had already unravelled that Bella cared for me, seeing as she did not stay away from me, despite knowing I was a vampire.

She also seemed to long for me, I could tell from the way she'd struggled with containing herself during the past two days of Biology.

And now she wanted me. Me. A monster.

I remembered that first night in her room, when she had called my name. When she'd wanted me to stay with her, in her dream. When I had thought I would never be normal enough for her, never be worthy of her love. That all seemed so foreign now. So misplaced. Because she did in fact want me. But, wanting me came with an extreme amount of danger. I felt the monster softly hissing inside. Sure, he enjoyed it that Bella wanted me. Because he wanted her. Well, I wanted her too - there had never been anything or one I wanted as much as I wanted Bella. In every human way. Unfortunately, also in very inhuman ways... And we couldn't both want her. One of us would have to call defeat.

Thinking about the dangers of wanting Bella, reminded me of the necessity to feed before tomorrow. My hunting trip with Alice. Leaving Bella too soon...

"I should have let you drive yourself today," I told her, watching her as she took small bites of her bagel.

"Why?" she demanded. She did not seem happy about this new information. Well, neither was I, but it would be a lot safer for her if the monster was well fed.

"I'm leaving with Alice after lunch," I told her.

"Oh.", was all she could say; her eyes bewildered, giving away her disappointment.

I sighed. _Believe me Bella, I'd stay if I could. I really would._

"That's okay, it's not that far of a walk," she said softly.

_Right._ Like I'd make her walk. She had to know this would never be the case.

Sometimes she still had certain things so backwards. I frowned at the idea of Bella walking from school to her house alone. Knowing her, she'd be in trouble before leaving the school parking lot. It'd be funny, if keeping her alive wasn't such a serious and necessary thing to me.

"I'm not going to make you walk home. We'll go get your truck and leave it here for you." I told her firmly, hoping she'd drop her protests

"I don't have my key with me," she sighed. "I really don't mind walking."

She sounded almost lack-luster now. Like the knowledge of me leaving had suddenly made the rest of this day unimportant.

I understood this completely since the rest of the day would mean little to me a well. I'd rather stay with her, ask her more questions and enjoy her company far more than I should.

But since it was probably much more important for me to hunt and I couldn't actually stay with her because of that, I had to make sure she'd make it home safely. And that would not happen if she walked. I shook my head at her stubbornness. She wasn't going to walk, period.

"Your truck will be here, and the key will be in the ignition — unless you're afraid someone might steal it." I couldn't help but laugh at the thought.

She looked at me, her lips pursed. Then her mouth curled up a bit, presenting a small smile. "All right," she agreed, smiling wider now.

Ever so unable to read her mind, I still knew why she was smiling. She probably assumed I would not know how to get her truck here without the keys.

Well, that would not be a challenge. Humans were quite predictable when it came to putting away knick-knacks such as keys. And although Bella was far from predictable, I couldn't imagine it'd be that difficult to find her keys. And if by some misfortune I would not find them, I could always hotwire the truck.

I could not help but smirk at the idea of doing that.

"So where are you going?" Bella asked, seemingly hiding her curiosity - and the still present disappointment- , by trying to sound casual.

For a moment, I wished I could tell Bella I was going shopping with my sister because I wanted to look my best for her tomorrow. I wanted something that trivial - something that humane - to be the reason for my departure.

If only...

"Hunting," My voice sounded grim, sour." If I'm going to be alone with you tomorrow, I'm going to take whatever precautions I can."

Precautions. No one would ever have to take precautions when being alone with a girl. Well, not these kinds of precautions... And I could not even think about any other kind. That would be the most absurd of absurd thoughts. I could barely touch Bella without maddening the monster, how could I even think about doing more than touching her. How could I even believe I could do this?

I needed to warn her, give her a choice.

"You can always cancel, you know." I pleaded, unable to keep a straight face.

I tried to lock in my eyes with hers, but she seemed prepared for this.

Bella looked down, pretending to be in thought, which drove me internally mad, because I could not read anything in her eyes this way. Leaving me guessing...

_What are you thinking?! Look at me! Say something! Don't cancel, please!!_

I briefly shook my head at my own conflicting thoughts. I'd become far too vulnerable.

Finally she lifted her eyes up to mine.

"No," she whispered, barely audible for anyone human, perfectly understandable for me. "I can't."

"Perhaps you're right," I murmured bleakly.

Maybe this was something inevitable. Do or die. Well, preferably not die.

Before I could lose myself in all these depressing thoughts, Bella spoke again.

"What time will I see you tomorrow?" she asked, her voice also sounding bleak. I realized she too was trying not to sink into depression. What a duo we were...

I decided to play along. "That depends… it's a Saturday, don't you want to sleep in?" I offered.

"No," she answered eagerly. Apparently she did not want to waste time sleeping tomorrow. I had to smile at that. I did not want to waste any time either. If only hunting was not such a necessity.

"The same time as usual, then," I decided. "Will Charlie be there?"

"No, he's fishing tomorrow." Her voice sounded relieved, knowing her father would remain in the dark about her newfound friendship with a Cullen. I was still not over my frustration about that. Not to mention the more safe it'd be if Charlie had some insight into where - and especially whom - Bella would be tomorrow.

"And if you don't come home, what will he think?" I asked sharply

My tone did not impress her, she remained calm. Almost blasé. Purposely so.

"I have no idea. He knows I've been meaning to do the laundry. Maybe he'll think I fell in the washer."

_Not funny. _Not comprehensible. Not safe. I could not help but give her a look.

I felt anger welling up. Not anger directed at her, but anger directed at this absurd situation, where I had to create these odd safety back-up plans. Why could I not just be with her without endangering her? The anger grew and showed on my face.

In response Bella glowered at me. It was more adorable than impressive and it made my anger fade instantly.

She sighed in defeat and changed the subject back to me.

"What are you hunting tonight?" she asked.

So casually, like it was completely natural. Like asking 'What's for dinner tonight?'

I'd never get used to how well she seemed to take everything concerning my frighteningly unnatural existence.

"Whatever we find in the park. We aren't going far." I told her, almost hoping she'd see the small reference to her safety in the 'not going far' part. If she needed me in any way, I'd be with her in no time.

"Why are you going with Alice?" she wondered.

How to explain without giving anything away...

"Alice is the most… supportive." I could not help but frown when saying that, knowing as perceptive as Bella was, she would pick up on the 'most supportive' thing. I did not want her to think that whatever my family thought of her mattered in any way.

"And the others?" she asked timidly. "What are they?"

_Insane. They assume I am going to kill you tomorrow and they are making money off it, too. Jolly bunch, huh..._

Hmm, that would not be the best answer. Better keep it more general.

"Incredulous, for the most part.", I answered.

She looked at the table my siblings were seated and then looked back to me.

"They don't like me," she guessed accurately. Of course she did. There was nothing she did not pick up on. Except for the signs of danger around her.

But my family not liking her, was that true?

No...well, _almost no._

I had to disagree with most of her assessment. In Rosalie's case it seemed that way. But Emmett and Jasper had nothing against Bella as a person. They just did not understand.

"That's not it. They don't understand why I can't leave you alone." I explained my family's behaviour.

Bella's face showed some sort of...- was it pain? - at this reveal. Like I had pointed out something very obvious to her. "Neither do I, for that matter."

Did she still not get it? Was I really not that transparent at my liking of her? My love for her. How could she not understand that all I saw was her? All I wanted was her. The only girl I had ever loved and would always love.

"I told you — you don't see yourself clearly at all. You're not like anyone I've ever known. You fascinate me."

_Also, I will always and forever love you. So, I can't stay away..._

Her disbelieving glare made me smile. "Having the advantages I do", I touched my forehead to illustrate when I explained, "I have a better than average grasp of human nature. People are predictable. But you… you never do what I expect. You always take me by surprise."

_Always. I have yet to see you do something I anticipate. Like run away..._

I wasn't sure but she didn't seem to like my explanation. Like she'd expected something more. Did I phrase it badly? I mean, it was true. She was a complete mystery to me. But of course there was so much more. Things and feelings I could barely explain, because it was so much, so all consuming. So hard to say.

She looked back at my family as I continued to try and explain some of my feelings. "That part is easy enough to explain," I said, "But there's more… and it's not so easy to put into words —"

My explanation got stuck between Bella draw to my family's table and Rosalie's thoughts and pitch black glare in Bella's direction playing in my head.

_Oh, gag me! He's going to declare himself to her. Right now! While we are here to hear it. And why is she looking at us. How dare she. This has to stop right away!_

Bella didn't look away from my sister's cold stare until I stepped in. I hissed under my breath, knowing Bella might hear it - although probably unable to comprehend what the sound was - and demanding for Rosalie to break off her stare immediately.

It worked and Bella focused her eyes on me again.

Eyes that were confused. Eyes that held fear.

_Thank you Rosalie. If anyone can be destructive, it's you. _

I tried to do some damage control, although I did not think Rosalie deserved to be redeemed in any way. But the others did. "I'm sorry about that. She's just worried. You see… it's dangerous for more than just me if, after spending so much time with you so publicly…"

I had to look down, finding some sort of composure before continuing

"If?" Bella pressed.

"If this ends… badly." I couldn't hide my anguish now, my composure almost gone. I hid my head in my hands, trying to find some sort of emotional balance.

Through my fingers, I saw how Bella's hand reached toward me but dropped before she made the distance. She wanted to comfort me - touch me - after I had basically threatened her just now. She pulled back though, perhaps instinctively knowing, it might not be the best thing to do, I deduced from the gesture.

Instead she tried to comfort me with normalcy. She continued our conversation like nothing had happened. Like I did not just tell her she might not be safe with me at all.

"And you have to leave now?"

I raised my face and answered with a smile, trying to be less serious. "Yes. It's probably for the best. We still have fifteen minutes of that wretched movie left to endure in Biology — I don't think I could take any more."

Another hour of electricity with Bella. I doubted I could balance the feeling of pleasure - thinking about the new human feelings the sparks brought with and the anguish of wanting to act on that pleasure - long enough to make it through the hour without doing something stupid. Like taking Bella's hand under the table. Stroking her cheek in the dark. Leaning in to smell her. To move in closer.

Close enough to touch her soft full lips...

_Time to introduce us!_

Hmm. Excellent timing. I had forgotten about my 'promise'' to Alice. A promise she had forced me into unwillingly.

"Alice."

"This is going to be brief. Real brief," I silently added under my breath, knowing Bella would not hear it.

"Edward," she answered aloud then adding her silent thoughts.

_I just want her to officially know me. She'll feel better when she knows at least one of your family members. Trust me._

I smiled wryly while introducing my sister to Bella.

"Alice, Bella — Bella, Alice," I gestured, hoping to sound casual.

"Hello, Bella. It's nice to finally meet you." she smiled enthusiastically.

"Don't overdo it! That's enough". I warned her once more, as I glanced to see Bella being too baffled by my sisters appearance and enthusiasm to notice my lips moving at a - for humans anyway - absurd speed.

Bella's cheeks flushed with pink as she shyly spoke to my sister. "Hi, Alice,"

_Ah, she's adorable. I cannot wait to have a real conversation with her. No time now though..._

_"_Are you ready?" Alice asked aloud despite the fact we didn't need verbalism to communicate. But for Bella's comfort and the human pretence, it was better to actually speak.

"Nearly. I'll meet you at the car," I told her.

"You had your fun, now go," I warned her, my voice too low for Bella to hear.

Alice rolled her eyes, only for me to see and off she went, albeit reluctantly.

_I'll get a chance to talk to her soon enough,_ she thought as I watched her stick out her tongue to me in my mind.

Bella gazed at Alice as she departed from the cafeteria, admiration in her eyes. Alice must look like a prima ballerina, compared to the clumsy ways Bella tumbled around. Still, I'd rather have my clumsy Bella.

She turned back to me. "Should I say 'have fun,' or is that the wrong sentiment?" she asked.

Ah Bella, still trying to see the normalcy in my existence. It was endearing.

"No, 'have fun' works as well as anything." I grinned.

"Have fun, then." she said. I knew she meant to sound sincere, but she didn't. Her voice was quiet, detached. Like the rest of the day and night would be meaningless.

She was going to miss me.

This fact melted me. This was what I wanted and what I dreaded too. Bella loving me, and all the complications when we'd chose to be together.

But then, I understood her feeling of glumness very well.

_I'll miss you too. So, so much._

"I'll try." I could not help but still grin. Until of course I realized that with my necessary 'fun' came my absence of being her protector.

"And you try to be safe, please." I told her, almost demanding her to.

"Safe in Forks — what a challenge." she scoffed.

"For you it is a challenge," I straightforwardly demanded now. "Promise."

"I promise to try to be safe," she recited, trying to convince me. "I'll do the laundry tonight — that ought to be fraught with peril."

"Don't fall in," I mocked.

"I'll do my best." she promised.

Then we both rose from the table.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Bella sighed.

That sigh said it all, basically. I hadn't even left yet and I already felt strangely incomplete. Her sigh seemed to hint at the same sort of feeling.

The pain of goodbye, no matter how brief, was very evident in her eyes.

"It seems like a long time to you, doesn't it?" I mused, wondering, hoping, - even dreading - I had guessed right about the effects my absence would have on Bella.

She nodded glumly.

Ah, I did not want her to be miserable. I'd see her soon enough.

I underlined this with a promise. "I'll be there in the morning," I said, smiling

And I'll watch you tonight...

And I would be there, no doubt. I decided to illustrate it even further by reaching across the table and softly brushing along her cheekbone, like I had the day before.

Although this naturally boosted the monster, I gladly welcomed it. My hand was warm and the electricity from it, felt like an unspoken keep-sake until I could return to her.

I then turned and walked away. I knew Bella would stand there and watch me go.

Alice and I drove straight to Bella's house, to retrieve her truck. It felt oddly natural to enter her house with a key. I had discovered there was one under the eave. Not an unusual place for humans to keep a spare. Finding the truck's keys proved to be no challenge either. Especially when having a sister who'd seen Bella leave the keys in the pocket of some jeans that were on a pile in the laundry room.

We arrived back at school in no time. Alice slid out of the driver's seat of the Volvo to make room for me.

I made my way to my car, but only after I had made sure to leave the key in the truck's ignition and to set in place one more reminder for Bella to be safe. I carefully placed a folded white piece of paper on her seat, so she would not miss it.

As I slid into the driver's seat, I listened one more time to hear if anyone would help me to some information on Bella's current state of being but everything remained quiet. Then I backed out of the lot, speeding away from the school in no time. I pushed down the gas pedal hard, letting the engine roar. Inside the monster roared too. Making way toward our prey.

***

_Relief and regret._

I sat in the rocking chair, at the far end of Bella's room, when I thought of the relief I felt, watching her sleep. And the regret, for it could be her last night.

Every time I forced myself into truly thinking about Alice's vision and the disastrous consequences bringing Bella to the meadow could have, it seemed to be more ridiculous. _How can this night be her last night_, I wondered. Surely in the greater scheme of things, the guardian angel or even the vicious harpy would see this was not Bella's last night. It simply could not be.

The angel versus the harpy; silly representatives for myself and my inner monster. The monster could make this Bella's last night. Make this my last night to watch over her.

But the monster was well fed now. Alice had not hunted herself, seeing as she'd already gone the night before but I overdid it - again- feasting on a couple of elks and three squirrels. Squirrels were disgusting, almost as bad as rodent, but every drop of animal blood helped saturate the monster.

Alice and I had talked about Jasper mostly, I felt compelled to do so, since I had neglected my sister's troubling love life, while being to busy concentrating on my own. According to Alice, Jasper was doing better now that I was weaker - glad _to help him there_, I thought sarcastically at the memory - but she was worried about how Jasper would handle Bella's presence if she did in fact visit our house soon.

Despite that worry - which sort of hinted at an outcome where Bella would stay safe with me at the meadow - Alice remained visionless and could not rule out the other outcome. The disastrous one.

And now I sat here. In Bella's room, wondering if this would be her last night.

If so, she was having a motionless one.

I'd figured out why she was so still, after I had smelled something completely off when I entered her window. Her scent had been mixed with something sharper. Mint. With a hint of eucalypt.

The smell and taste most cold medicine had.

First this had worried me. Had I missed Bella was having a cold? I could not remember seeing her cough or sniffle at school, but with humans these things sometimes appeared instantly and unexpectedly. Did she have a fever? Did she need a doctor? I feared she would in fact have to cancel. In an ironic way, something as medically innocent as a cold could actually save her life.

Before I could let this new worry about Bella's health take me over, my phone buzzed. It was a text from Alice. My sister rarely texted me, so I knew this would be important. Maybe she had seen something. A new vision.

She'd seen something alright. Something that made me chuckle silently.

_Bella took cold-medicine to knock herself out. To get some proper sleep. Dreaming about you must be exhausting ;) xx Alice._

My beautiful gratuitous drug-user, I smiled. And although her scent was all wrong, it did keep my head more clear for the rest of the night.

Eventually, dawn announced itself by a small stream of orange lightening up the eastern sky. I knew it was time for me to go.

Instead of jumping from the window immediately, like I usually did, I walked towards the bed and quietly sat on the edge.

In the few minutes I sat there, I looked. I memorized. I breathed in and let her scent, all normal and wickedly delicious again -the cold medicine completely evaporated from her body - hit me. I wanted to brush her hair out of her face, but I knew that would be pushing it. So instead I sat there, looking around me, taking in her room. Taking in Bella. Hoping it would never have to end. That today, it would not end.

On the floor, next to her bed, I saw a familiar white piece of paper and I picked it up.

_Be safe_, I silently re-read the words on the paper.

My words, my reminder.

Now my warning.

_Be safe_. Be safe indeed.


	6. another message

About the meadow...

Alright, so here it is. My personal Edward POV on the meadow. It's parallelled to the end of chapter 12 (Balancing) and chapter 13 of Twilight (Confessions) I was going to do one (long) chapter on the meadow but I divided it into 2 chapters because it simply did not fit into one.

After all, Edward continues to overthink everything and then some. Once he has thought something through and makes up his mind about it, he'll think that through and so on...

This was difficult to write because to me and so many Twilight fans the meadow is sacred. And to put Edward's feelings into words was harder than with any of the other chapters so far. I know Stephenie Meyer would do this far more perfectly than I ever would and I can only hope she will finish Midnight Sun some day, to do Edward's feelings true justice.

Chapter 4 is "Bare" and Chapter 5 is "Confessions" covering the meadow entirely.

I'll post Chapter 5 soon (like within a day or so) because I want one more check-up on it :P

Chapter 6 (which I have yet to start) will continue where "Mind over Matter" did.

Thanks for all the encouraging reviews so far. At times it feels like blasphemy doing this, because taking something that's already quite brilliant (in its way and genre) and try to make it your own a bit feels unsettling but at the same time it feels good to put Edward's POV into words.

And I am truly happy people like it :)

Once again, lets hope Stephenie Meyer will find the inspiration to continue MS. :)

Meanwhile, please be brutal - I am a masochist, like dear Edward :P - when you review :)


	7. Bare

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and Midnight Sun, its dialogues, the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2008 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**CHAPTER 4: BARE**

_"And if I bare it all_

_What I am, for you to see_

_Will you remain unmoved?_

_Or flee away from me"_

In the hundred-plus years I walked this planet, both alive as well as undead, I had never experienced a day quite like this one.

My human memories ceased to exist at seventeen and holding on to them was difficult. My memories as an immortal however were easier to keep as the mind of a vampire has plenty of storage room to fill with remembrance.

But the memories I had of my immortal life never meant much to me before. The monotone repeatings of how I filled my un-dead existence barely had any significance for almost ninety years. Until a few months ago...

Now, everything meant something. Every moment with Bella was worth remembering. I finally understood what 'never a dull moment' meant.

There was never a dull moment with Bella around, not in the least because I spend a large portion of our time saving her.

_Saving her_...it had been an almost natural thing from the beginning, despite my initial hesitance to do it. I had believed I could not be her protector; the hunter could never be the hero.

Unfortunately for me, as much as I wanted to be Bella's protector - her hero - I wasn't sure if I could continue to play that part, considering there was also a very fierce hunter inside. A hunter focussed on one prey...

Bella. And her lusciously overwhelming blood.

It was pure selfishness - this need for more memories with Bella - that kept me here. Allowing both hunter _and_ hero to be in her presence was an insanity I kept justifying by telling myself I was her protector. A more self-serving truth was that I simply did not have the strength to stay away from her.

I had been too selfish already, collecting my new memories these past few months. And today, this selfishness would be a pivotal aspect of what kind of self-control I was going to possess. What outcome Alice's vision was going to have...?

The balance would be reset today, as Alice had put it. All along this has been the day where things were going to be put into a certain order. Where my life, as well as Bella's, would be pushed into a certain direction. Either we'd both end up on the same path, or we'd wind up on entirely different ones. Of course, I dreaded that her path would be at a dead end - literally - and mine would be forever fleeing from the true killer I had become, disappointing my family, losing the one love I knew.

_I might as well die too, if that were to happen, _I thought.

But what if we ended up on the same path? Today I would show her the truest colours I had. I'd bare my repelling nature to Bella. And if she accepted that, if I could control myself in spite of baring it all, then maybe, just maybe we'd be able to be together.

Not in every sense of the word, of course. Bella was a breakable human and even if the monster would be defeated today, there was still a man who was too strong to be _that_ close to Bella. I could hurt her so easily. Another reason to practice as much self control as I could.

I ran most of the way to Bella's house, filled with a frustration of not being able to drive myself. The frustration wasn't so much about the driving, as it was about the reason; Bella needed to drive so her father would still believe she was going to Seattle, all by herself. Also, her truck had no appeal to me - unlike its owner - it felt like it was an insult to any other - faster - car out there. Of course, Bella loved her car and who was I to argue with her on it. Like I'd ever deny her anything...

The sky was veiled with some non-lasting clouds. It was going to be a warm, sunny day. The kind Bella would like. The kind that would demonstrate my vampire nature so much more efficiently.

I came to a halt at the end of the small woods, which stretched to the small garden surrounding the Swan house. I made my way to the front and noticed that Charlie's cruiser was already gone. He must have left early.

With no mind to read, I had to guess when Bella was ready. We had set a time and at exactly eight o'clock I knocked on her door. Leave it to a vampire to be extremely punctual.

The beauty of reading minds - well beauty would be an overstatement; it would be beautiful if it were Bella's mind to read- obviously, was knowing what people were thinking. But since I could not read Bella's thoughts, I had to manage by reading her eyes. Not that they gave away much most of the time, but those deep chocolate brown pools gave me some insight.

Right now however, I could read something new. Not Bella's mind, since hers was - so inconveniently - locked away from my gift. Not her eyes, since there was a wooden door keeping me from staring into them. But I could read - or rather hear - something loud and clear.

A heart thudding rapidly. Bella's heart.

A thudding possibly indicating she was nervous. A thudding hinting she was happy I was here.

A thudding pushing affront the monster inside. The monster smelling his opportunity today. The monster wanted so desperately to taste Bella and consume her blood whilst slowly hearing her thudding heartbeat fade. Until it stopped.

_I could still turn around_, I thought.

It would be extremely rude, but a wise thing to do. And I suppose I should have done it, but I didn't.

Instead, I could not wait for her to open the door. To see her again. To be with her today, no matter what the outcome would be...

In the mere seconds I deliberated this, my own selfishness frustrated me immensely. Didn't Bella deserve more than this? Did I not owe it to her to keep her safe? Why was I so determined to risk this? Bella would be perfectly fine right now - her life not at risk one bit, well, apart from the way she pulled danger to herself regardless, but at least not in danger by my hands - had I cancelled. If I walked away right now. Instead, I was willingly going to risk her life today. And even if - by some unbelievable turn of events - I would drive Bella home tonight unscathed, this entire day would still be one of the most selfish days ever.

Before I could drive myself insane with the numerous amount of ever - present worries, Bella opened the door. Her face expressed relief, calmness. She wanted me to be here. Expected me too. And that's why I risked all this. Why I never cancelled.

Bella didn't want to cancel. I had given her the chance to do so yesterday but she had told me, she couldn't. She wanted to be with me today.

Of course, she did not have all the information. Not like I had.

Bella knew nothing about the things Alice had seen. Still - knowing about my inhumane nature and being oddly accepting of it - she must have felt she had no reason to cancel, because for some strange reason she trusted me.

The responsibility should have been mine at all times and cancelling would've always been mine to do. I had known about Alice's vision long enough to rethink going to the meadow with Bella but I never did. I never even considered cancelling.

The truth was that while I knew well enough that most of my actions throughout these months had been more than selfish, I simply needed to know what today's outcome would be. At first, it were just her thoughts I so desperately wanted to decode. Then it became about the monster and how he wanted to kill her. Now, those two things were nothing more but small fragments as to what it was about. Why I could not stay away. Why I was prepared to risk her life today. Why I was so incredibly selfish.

I loved her. And I wanted so desperately to make it past today. To reset the balance. To beat the monster. To make room for the man...

As she stood there in the doorway, I looked her over - she was wearing another pair of tightly skin-hugging jeans, which illustrated her curves too perfectly for me not to notice - and a tan sweater, the colour matching my own. Apparently, we had chosen the same pallet of colours for our outfits today. I could not help but smile at the triviality of that as I greeted her.

"Good morning," I chuckled.

The expression on Bella's face was one I did not fully understand. She seemed...embarrassed almost...

"What's wrong?" Bella asked while glancing down herself. Why did she assume anything was wrong? I tried to make sense of her expression when it occurred to me humans had a way of being quite insecure about their appearances. Did Bella think there was something wrong with what she was wearing? By the way she glanced down herself; I took it to mean she did in fact think that.

I could not help but smile at her confusion and quickly explained my grin.

"We match", I smiled.

This realization made her smile too, although there was still a hint of insecurity in her eyes.

I didn't understand this at first - why would Bella have to be insecure about anything, she was the most exquisite, beautiful woman I knew - but then I remembered how Bella considered herself rather ordinary. Set by the standards of one Mike Newton or Jessica Stanley, I suppose my family and I were considered gorgeous and humans paled in comparison to it.

But to me, gorgeous would apply _only_ to Bella and even that would not be enough to put her beauty -inside and out- into words.

Bella locked the door, while I made my way to - the passenger seat - her truck, feeling reluctant to let her drive.

_How hazardous could this get?_ I shuddered at the thought

She seemed to notice this.

"We made a deal," she reminded me smugly, climbing into the driver's seat and reaching over to unlock the passenger door for me.

I climbed in, knowing I had no choice but to bare this. I was being ridiculous, of course. This small sacrifice - not being able to drive - whereas Bella was in fact risking her life by staying with me today.

"Where to?" Bella asked.

"Put your seat belt on — I'm nervous already." I said feeling completely powerless not being the one behind the wheel.

She did not appreciate this one bit, as she glanced at me angrily while tugging at her seatbelt before locking it into place.

"Where to?" she repeated, her voice thick with impatience.

"Take the one-oh-one north," I ordered.

I knew her truck wasn't exactly the fastest vehicle - to put it nicely- but for some reason Bella managed to drive at a very slow speed. Too slow.

And although I knew why this was - or at least I thought I knew, Bella's loudly drumming heart gave away that she was very aware of me staring at her - like I'd ever not take her in completely, like I'd want to stare at anything else but her. There was no beauty matching hers, no nature's finest view that could hold me - I still felt an impatience to get out of Forks as fast as - humanly- possible.

"Were you planning to make it out of Forks before nightfall?" I said, trying to hide the sarcasm in my voice.

"This truck is old enough to be your car's grandfather — have some respect," Bella shot back, clearly displeased with my impatience.

It was not before long until we did in fact leave Forks behind us.

"Turn right on the one-ten," I instructed, "now we drive until the pavement ends."

I couldn't help but feel almost smug, knowing my last instruction would make her wonder. She may have been the one driving, but I was still the one knowing where we would be heading exactly.

I suppose it was a fine display of testosterone - human males seemed more than pleased when having to conduct women anywhere, especially when the female was behind the wheel and of course more than agitated because they were not the ones driving. This felt oddly human, yet again. Of course, deep down inside there was a hint of a man who sometimes felt the same kinds of impatience and smug triumphs as any other human male did. I was not sure if I should be glad about this, I did not like to stereotype myself - or Bella - this way, but the humanity kept the monster at bay quite easily at the moment. Which was very good.

"And what's there, at the pavement's end?" she anticipated in perfectly predicted wonder, as I had expected she would.

"A trail."

"We're hiking?" Her voice sounded worried. Also expected.

"Is that a problem?" I asked, knowing it did not necessarily have to be a problem at all. If she would not be able to hike, I'd have other ways to get to the meadow. Granted, these were not ways I felt comfortable showing her just yet - this kind of travelling made possible by my vampiristic nature - and I did not want to scare her. Lord knows I was probably going to do that aplenty when reaching the meadow, so better not start ahead of vision precision.

"No." There was little confidence in her voice.

"Don't worry, it's only five miles or so, and we're in no hurry." I reassured her.

She did not saying anymore. And her mind was - as always - deafeningly silent, but I believed to have gotten the gist of what she could possibly be thinking.

Her clumsiness, in collaboration with the brusqueness of nature; fallen tree trunks, widely spreading ferns, branches hanging dangerously low, loose stones to trip over, it was like sending Bella through a mine field on a battle ground.

Still, she may be clumsy but I'd never let anything happen to her. So if she was truly worried about this - and I had no sure way of knowing, thanks to her AM frequency - that was one worry unjustified.

The silence in her head, as well as the verbal silence made me feel impatient once more.

"What are you thinking?" I asked after a few moments, wanting for her to speak.

"Just wondering where we're going." she said.

I could not tell if she was being honest. I leaned toward what she said being a half-truth. She was probably curious about our destination, but her answer also hinted she was still worried about the part where we'd walk five miles to get there.

_Always so backwards, so different_ I thought. Like the hiking was what she needed to worry about the most. She was going to see me free from human pretences and yet she worried about tripping.

"It's a place I like to go when the weather is nice," I told her, as I glanced outside to find the clouds were almost completely gone now.

"Charlie said it would be warm today." Bella responded, also glancing outside seemingly assessing the same weather conditions as I had.

_Charlie._ My back up device to keep Bella safe. My incentive to bring her home. And perhaps my atonement and punishment if this ended badly. If he knew where she was, or with whom then, if by some gruesome twist of fate I'd indeed kill Bella - so unimaginable yet not impossible - at least he'd know who had been responsible.

Also, he could not live without her. So maybe, if the monster would step out of line, I could rein him in by focussing on Charlie, because focussing on Bella would probably only encourage the monster.

"And did you tell Charlie what you were up to?" I asked, hopeful that she had at least told him she was going to be with me. And I caught myself hoping this - not just for the sake of Bella's safety - but because I wanted him to know and assess me as an - important - person in Bella's life. That's what frustrated me about this secrecy the most.

Bella wasn't going to make this easy. Of course not.

"Nope," she answered, casually.

Alright, another angle then. One other person who knew who'd Bella be spending the day with. Not someone whose opinion mattered to me one bit, but still someone who could be a part of my safety back up device if necessary.

"But Jessica thinks we're going to Seattle together?" I asked, knowing that if all else failed, at least Jessica could attest Bella had been with me. If all I could do was atone for my sins, be punished for doing the unthinkable, the unbearable, than at least insignificant Jessica Stanley could help me achieve this.

Naturally, I was wrong again. Because Bella had everything regarding her safety so utterly backwards.

"No, I told her you cancelled on me — which is true." she told me calmly

_Not one bit._ She'd do absolutely nothing to keep herself safe. No one knew she was spending the day with me. In a way it insulted me. Did she truly not want anyone to know she was going to be with me - was she ashamed? And did she truly not think it would be safer to at least inform someone of her whereabouts?

Did she have a death-wish?

"No one knows you're with me?" I asked her angrily

"That depends… I assume you told Alice?" she retorted, still pretending to be casual about this.

That made me snap. How could she be so reckless? It was insane. How could I keep her safe when she seemed to be so unwilling to help me do this?

"That's very helpful, Bella,"

She stared out of the windshield, seemingly trying to ignore my anger.

"Are you so depressed by Forks that it's made you suicidal?" I demanded, desperately needing some sort of explanation to her flawed logic of not telling anyone.

"You said it might cause trouble for you… us being together publicly," she reminded me softly.

_Cause trouble for me_. Right. Bella wasn't so much worried about the trouble being with me caused her, but rather the other way around. Another thought -process no other person but Bella would follow.

"So you're worried about the trouble it might cause _me_— _if you _don't come _home_?" I asked icily, unable to make my voice sound understanding.

She nodded, keeping her eyes on the road, away from me.

"Unbelievable," I muttered too low for human ears, "How can I ever keep you safe this way?"

Her caring should have thrilled me, but seeing my back-up devices crumble bit by bit, knowing she'd truly be alone in the meadow, pleasing the monster, gleefully accepting this - unbeknownst to her - deadly invitation, angered me more, infuriated me even. I knew she could tell because she remained silent for the rest of our drive.

Then the road ended. I was still angry, but now also wary and even scared. In the car, we could have still turned around. Now, as we were about to hike, we got closer and closer to the meadow. Closer to Alice's vision. Closer to no turning back.

And no one to defend Bella but me. The one who was out to hurt her.

Bella parked the truck and got out, as did I. She pulled off her tan sweater and tied it around her waist. Underneath she wore a light sleeveless shirt - which shaped perfectly and seductively around her shoulders, her chest... her waist...

_Focus!!_

I shed a piece of clothing too, taking off my sweater to unbutton the white sleeveless shirt I wore underneath, preparing for the sun to hit my skin once we entered the meadow. In the mean time the air was warm enough to heat my skin.

"This way," I ordered, as I made my way into the darkness of the forest.

"The trail?" she asked, panic thick in her voice. She stumbled and hurried around her truck to catch up with me.

"I said there was a trail at the end of the road, not that we were taking it," I explained. I was still angry and I couldn't shake it. It was like I had no options, like I was forced to hurt her, because she gave me no alternative. No incentive.

But...

Maybe my anger would drive her back to her truck, leaving me alone in the forest. The absence of a trail might attribute to that. If we never made it to the meadow, Alice's vision had no way of playing itself out...

"No trail?" she asked desperately.

I turned to face her, so see her panic.

"I won't let you get lost", I promised with a mocking smile.

No, I would not get her lost. Just hurt. Or worse, _killed_.

Bella's gasp was only audible to sensitive ears like mine and I saw how she took in my bare, pale, cold chest. But the look on her face was not one of scanning one's psychical attributes in admiration or possible lust. She looked _hurt_.

Was that expression of pure torture directed at the idea of having to walk, not knowing if these less than flat surfaces would hold her up or not...

Or...did it finally hit her. Had my anger about her lack of self-preservation - well, the absence of it really - scared her enough to want to go home?

Was this it then, would we never make it to the meadow? Had I finally done enough damage to drive her away?

I had no choice but to ask her.

"Do you want to go home?" I asked quietly, knowing I could not hide the pain of losing her from my voice.

She walked towards me until she was standing close enough for me to feel the heat come off her body, warming me more than the warm air ever could.

"No." She sounded sure.

OK, so she still wasn't afraid of me. _Yet_. Was this really about the hiking then? Or something else entirely? The frustration of her silent mind was ever so big...

"What's wrong?" I asked gently, the anger all gone from my voice.

"I'm not a good hiker," she answered quietly, almost depressed; the torment still apparent in her voice... "You'll have to be very patient."

Ah... so she was worried about the hike. Not about me, nor my temper but the fear of her clumsy nature holding her back and possibly irritating me, I guessed.

"I can be patient — if I make a great effort." I smiled, looking at her, hoping my smile would lift her spirits and reassure her.

She tried to return my smile, but failed to do so. Was there more to it, after all? Was this not just about the hiking? Was she indeed afraid of me, but didn't want to show it. I could only guess but I wanted to reassure her nonetheless.

"I'll take you home," I promised solemnly.

_Sure, why not make another promise you might not be able to keep_, I thought sarcastically. Only if I'd put her in her truck right now and forced her to drive home - since I could not know if driving her myself would be safe enough, perhaps the monster would act on a whim, knowing he'd never make it to the meadow, taking the outcome of Alice's vision into his filthy hands and kill Bella in her car, or at her house - only then she'd be safe.

But of course I didn't. Naturally selfish I still wanted to pursue this trip. Against all costs, it seemed.

And despite her confusing tone and expression, she did not seem to want to go back. "If you want me to hack five miles through the jungle before sundown, you'd better start leading the way," she suggested acidly.

Once more I tried to decipher her thoughts, knowing I would fail. So I gave up and led the way into the forest. Making way to impending doom. Or the ultimate redemption.

Naturally, the walk was easy for me. I could have found my way to the meadow blindly. So I focussed all my attention on Bella. I tried to help her as much as I could, pushing the damp ferns and moss webs out of the way, making sure she would not trip and hurt herself.

Even though our proximity was not as close as it had been before - like when I saved her from the van and I had shielded her body with my own - thinking about it brought back a human desire currently not - nor ever - very appropriate and the elbow not being the most provocative or sensitive place to touch someone - her heart would immediately start beating unsteadily whenever I helped her across fallen trees or boulders.

I recalled how I had once assumed Bella's heart reacted to fear but now I knew better. Also, the way Bella occasionally glanced at me during our hike confirmed that she actually still wanted to be with me. _Wanted me._

It continued to be an odd realization, especially since she had yet to see me display myself in the sun. I had no idea what her reaction would be, but knowing Bella, maybe just maybe she'd not be that startled at all. But then again, if the monster would roar its ugly vicious head then I'd drive her away for sure. Well, I could live with driving her away - although the thought pained me immensely - because it might be the one thing to keep her safe.

Between Bella concentrating hard on what I assumed was not falling and me lost in all my thoughts, we didn't speak much.

This kind of bothered me, because the silence seemed so all consuming, so telling...like we both knew what kind of difficulty was ahead of us. I decided to break it by asking her some of the questions I had failed to in the past few days.

We talked about her birthdays - unlike most humans, she was not a fan of those, I assumed this all had to do with Bella hating to have attention focussed on herself - and her grade school teachers. They had been just as bland as the high school teachers in Forks, she assured me.

She made me laugh loudly at the story of her non-success in keeping pets; she had managed to kill three goldfish in a row. The idea of fragile Bella killing some fish was strangely amusing; it'd probably be the only species she'd be able to kill.

Since we were moving at human speed, it took us most of the morning to reach the meadow. Normally it would not take me more than a few minutes and although I had been impatient before, I felt rather at ease now. Time seemed almost slow now, but this was what I wanted: my time with Bella to pass slowly, so I could cherish every moment of it.

Who knew how long I had left with her...

Eventually the light that filtered through the canopy started to transform. The sun was reaching its highest point in the sky, so it had to be near noon.

Although the change in the colour spectrum was not hard for me to miss - vampire eyes caught everything easily - I wondered if Bella noticed the changes too.

It seemed like she did, because her tortured expression had vanished now.

She seemed more eager, almost excited as we made our way through the final parts of the woods.

"Are we there yet?" she teased, impatience hinting in her voice.

"Nearly.", I told her smilingly, happy she seemed to have perked up.

"Do you see the brightness ahead?" I asked.

She stared into the thick forest. "Um, should I?" she asked hesitantly

Right, human eyes did not have the same sharp and clear vision my eyes did. I could not help but smirk at this. "Maybe it's a bit soon for _your _eyes." I teased.

"Time to visit the optometrist," she muttered, not completely appreciative of my teasing.

This made me smirk even more.

Knowing we were almost there now, Bella started to walk faster. I no longer leaded the way and simply followed her.

She soon reached the end of the forest, leaving the last fringe of ferns behind her.

The sun - lighting the meadow like the magnificent work of pure nature it was -caught Bella's hair and it gave off that reddish glow again, like I'd seen it before when she was at school when I couldn't be, last week. Her skin seemed transparent - like the finest porcelain - when hit by the sunlight.

She gazed around the meadow in amazement, while I remained in the shadow of the forest. Of course this would seem extraordinary to her; the wild flowers in the most exceptional colours, the melodic sound of the stream nearby, the soft green grass and the warm sun to give it all a golden nuance. A perfect picture in her eyes, no doubt.

A perfect picture, a perfect feeling I was surely about to ruin completely...

Bella was still taking everything in, when she suddenly turned around, her eyes looking for me. In an instant the bedazzlement in her eyes - not by my doing but all achieved by this exquisite place - shifted to worry. And than to curiosity. She probably remembered one of the reasons we were here. She took a step toward me, smiling at me in encouragement, beckoning me with her hand, inviting me out there - in the sun - with her.

Being the repulsive monster I was, these had to be my final moments with her. I was sure of it. Compared to the sheer beauty of the meadow, I would be no more than a loathsome unworthy creation of freakish nature and my skin would illustrate that. Perhaps Bella would not scream, perhaps she'd just run. Maybe, she'd take it all in out of politeness - not wanting to hurt my feelings, a ridiculous emotion in this matter - but never speak to me again after today.

And even if she did accept it; my transformation from man to monster by the simplicity of the sunlight catching my skin - I wished it would be as extraordinarily beautiful as it was when the sun lit up Bella's perfect translucent complexion but that seemed an absurd optative - than there were still no guarantees. _None_ at all.

In the mere seconds I debated all this, I saw how Bella glanced at me, waiting for me to move. She took another step in my direction and I felt compelled to give her some sort of warning, so I held up my hand in caution. I would probably scare her less if she stayed where she was and I walked into the sun slowly.

I took a deep breath and stepped into the sun with my eyes closed...

_Silence..._

I kept my eyes closed deliberately, because I wasn't ready to see the horror in Bella's eyes just yet. I wanted this final moment to last a little bit longer and silently thanked her for not ruining it by screaming.

The sun heated my skin and I knew what I looked like now. My skin had an odd reaction to the sun. We did not burn and turn to ashes - a preposterous myth - but our skin lit up like it was embedded with a numerous amount of tiny little diamonds. This seemed far too majestic for the gruesome creatures we were, but I suppose in human eyes - well human eyes that were not afraid or repulsed - it could look quite beautiful.

_Still silence..._

I dared not open my eyes, but I knew she was still there - probably staring at me now - because I could smell her, the sun making her scent more appetizing than ever. I also heard her heart thudding loudly at first - out of fear maybe - but soon finding a more even rhythm again. Her breath staggered a little - probably out of shock - but also seemed steady now.

I decided this was enough for me to open my eyes and face the repulsion, the fear that would surely be there in hers. I wondered briefly if this would be the last time I'd read anything into those deep brown eyes that had captured me for so long and so completely - if she would shy away from me now and never look my way again.

Well, one thing was for sure at the moment - she was looking my way and certainly not shying away - _s_he seemed to take me in the way she had the meadow before, except - if it were possible - with even more amazement in her eyes now. There was no fear, no revulsion. As she looked me over, I read in her eyes what I saw every time I looked at her. Beauty, pure magnificent beauty.

She seemed mesmerized by the absence of the human facade. By my real nature.

_I_ was beautiful to her...

I walked to the middle of the meadow and sank down into the slightly swaying layer of jade-coloured grass. Bella followed my lead and sat a few feet away from me.

I did not know if she did this because she was afraid or because she wasn't sure if sitting close to me was appropriate.

There was no need for words now. All we did was gaze at each other, eagerly taking each other in. As I stared at her, as mesmerized by her beauty - and her bravery - as she seemed to be by mine, which still felt surreal - her ivory cheeks coloured a warm, inviting shade of red. And she dared not look away, like she sometimes did. She continued to gaze at me in amazement, making me feel like I could have blushed too, had I been able to.

After a while I started to feel more at ease, lying in the soft blanket of grass, my eyes closed, letting the sun warm my skin. I softly hummed my latest composition - the one Bella inspired - to myself. The fear I repulsed Bella was gone now.

This had to be heaven. There was no other explanation. I had no idea why I deserved this great fortune now - after decades of repetitive solitude - but for some unexplainable reason apparently I did. Because Bella was still here. She hadn't ran, she didn't scream. She wasn't scared or repulsed one bit. She was sitting beside me, softly, although somewhat hesitantly stroking my hand with one finger. Like I was a human.

"I don't scare you?" I asked, trying to sound playful, although I was truly desperate to know.

How could she _not_ be scared?

"No more than usual." she answered with a small smile.

This made me smile too. Because the usual amount of fear coming from Bella was extremely limited - too limited- so maybe she was really not that scared of me after all.

It did not seem like she was, because as I lay there and she sat next to me, tracing my hand with her finger, she stretched out her whole hand to follow the contours of my forearm with her fingertips. Again she seemed to hesitate, because her fingers trembled as she stroked my skin.

"Do you mind?" she asked softly

Mind? How could someone mind heaven? How could a monster mind the silk-like warm touch of an angel beside him? This was the purest - most magical - thing I had ever felt. This was pleasure beyond anything I had ever known or wanted.

Well, aside from wanting Bella completely. In ways, inappropriate to think about...

"No," I assured her, keeping my eyes closed to remain in the moment. "You can't imagine how that feels." I sighed.

I was sure she couldn't. Bella touching me was like being electrocuted by a bolt of lightning going through your body - except instead of it killing you, the blistering heat of its currents feeling like the gentlest, most delicate of caresses. Certainly the most overpowering warmth I had ever felt.

And I knew the touch of my skin; the coldness, the smoothness, the lifelessness would never have the same effect.

Still, this didn't seem to stop Bella from trailing her hand over my arm, sending these electric currents through my entire body.

With her other hand she reached to - I assumed - turn my hand over, to have a closer look perhaps. I beat her to it; my hand was turned before she could even blink. This startled her and her fingers froze, scorching my skin.

"Sorry," I murmured. "It's too easy to be myself with you."

And it was. _Almost too easy._ For some reason that should make me feel warned, regain some human composure. Not allow Bella to touch me. But I wanted to be myself with her. And she seemed to accept this self-side of me.

She lifted my hand, holding it closer to her face, examining it like it was a grand treasure. The heat of her breath blazed on my fingers and more currents pulsed through my body. For a moment I was expecting to hear my own heart beat.

I heard hers though, drumming ever so unevenly. It made me wonder...

"Tell me what you're thinking," I whispered intently, looking at her, hoping she'd share some of her hidden thoughts. "It's still so strange for me, not knowing."

"You know the rest of us feel that way all the time." she teased.

"It's a hard life.", I retorted. And it had been for so long. Everything seemed so easy now, but I knew it only felt that way because I was overwhelmed by all this. Everything seemed perfect, but it was impossible that it would stay that way "But you didn't tell me," I demanded eagerly.

"I _was _wishing I could know what you were thinking…" she said, hesitation in her voice.

_You're not the only one..._

"And?" I pressed

"I was wishing that I could believe that you were real. And I was wishing that I wasn't afraid."

Wait, what? I had just established for myself that she was not afraid and here she confessed she was. Reading her was already almost impossible, but I did not even seem to read her right when occasionally I thought I could. And I did not want her to be afraid. Especially not if I was the cause of that fear.

"I don't want you to be afraid." I murmured softly, knowing it was barely audible.

I meant it. I did not want her to be afraid. But at the same time I could not guarantee her safety either. Nor deny her this fear.

"Well, that's not exactly the fear I meant, though that's certainly something to think about." she said

Again, what? She was afraid, but apparently not of me.

_What then_, I wondered.

I propped up my right arm to move into a sitting position, to have my face closer to Bella. To look into her eyes to get some answers.

"What are you afraid of, then?" I whispered, staring into her eyes, holding her gaze.

She did not answer. Instead she gazed back and leaned in until she was only small inches from my face, breathing in my scent. Her head was tilted a bit and with her hair graced behind her shoulders, her throat was completely exposed.

As she inhaled, her lips - never so close before- parted and her wicked scent washed over my face, forcing me - demanding me - to breathe her in too.

This did not have the effect of an electric current pushing itself through every inch of my body, like her touch had.

_If only, I wished for a portion of a second. If only, this felt as heavenly..._

But it didn't. This was pure pitch black hell. My skin seemed to instantly absorb her breath, her taste, forcing - demanding - itself through my veins, into the hollow of my chest. There - in that spot that had almost felt alive these past few months, almost reminiscent of a heart beating in its place - a loud roaring, a fierce snarl echoed through me, leaving my ears ringing. I could taste a fresh flow of venom in my mouth. I could hear her warm blood rage through her veins, pulsing heavily against her bare neck. The scent of it was disorientating, wrecking.

_Inviting..._

In a split of a second my mind flashed to an image. My cold lips on her silk ivory throat. She'd think I'd want to kiss her there, perhaps overcome in a moment of smouldering passion. She'd allow me to do this, wrapping her arms around me, pressing her neck closer to my lips. For her it'd be a longing finally fulfilled, as it would be for me.

Except I would not be kissing her. I'd pierce right through her delicate skin, desperately aching to taste her sweet blood, wanting my body to swim in it. My longing would be gratified, the yearning and the hunger saturated. It was all so simple now. All I had to do was lean in...

_This_ was it.

The vision Alice had seen.

The vision _I_ had dreaded.

It was coming to pass...

The magic _was gone_ now.

Forever lost.


	8. Confessions

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and Midnight Sun, its dialogues, the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2008 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**CHAPTER 5: CONFESSIONS**

_"I admit, _

_I confess._

_I am a man,_

_More or less"_

_..._The meadow was black. Blacker than any nightmare could get. It seemed like all the sunlight had been pulled from it. Shadows were closing in on me, betraying me, gleefully dancing around me, watching me to make the biggest mistake in my entire existence.

What had felt like heaven before was definitely hell now.

Bella would die at my hands. I'd kill the only girl I ever loved because I was unable to defy the monster. This was far worse than the day her scent had hit me so badly for the first time. This time there was no escape, no witnesses, and no clarity of mind to save her. I wanted her blood and I wanted it bad. In fact I never wanted it as badly before.

Most importantly, I wanted it _now. _

The monster roared bellowing - deafening - snarls inside. He was getting impatient, even more so then when we'd plotted to take Bella that first day.

He - or was it the harpy, were they in cahoots over this...or were they one and the same - flashed me another image.

Bella. Cold, still. Ghostly ash-faced in the absence of her beautiful scarlet blush.

_Dead_. In my arms. Here in the meadow. The monster - victorious, rejoicing - was pleased and silenced, well fed by the insanely exquisite taste of Bella's blood.

And so the man - the man I had hoped I could be - sat there, in defeat. In mourning. Desperately trying to undo what the monster had done. Hugging the lifeless beauty against his cold stone body, pushing his lips to hers to breathe life back into her. Waiting for her heart to beat again. But nothing happened, nothing worked. Because there was nothing left to do. Nothing but to die himself.

The image - more disturbing and agonizing than any of Alice's visions had ever been - was the monster's first mistake. The first hint of clarity. The only reason I was able to pull away, using up the last small portion of self-control I still possessed.

In less than a third of another passing second - too fast for Bella to truly comprehend, I was sure - I had ripped my hand from hers and had fled to a safer distance of twenty feet away. Hiding in the shadow of a fir tree - away from her scent, her blood... the smell of it still stinging my nose, the lust for it burning in my throat.

_This_ was too much. How could this be happening? I had known Bella for a short few months now. The best months I had ever experienced. _Despite_ my initial murderous intent to be a fatal hazard to her life. _Despite_ the fact that her scent sent my head swimming in thick clouds of beautiful dangerous seduction. Had I not managed to control that?

Why give into the madness and risk everything _now_? My family, my existence, but mostly: the life of my true love. What was the point? Temporary satisfaction for the monster? Bella's blood may have been the richest, most appealing blood out there, but was that reason to kill her now? Especially since I had seen a glimpse of the miserable future without Bella. How it had felt in my mind; what it would be like to hold her dead body in my arms.

Ungraspable.

Unacceptable.

I finally understood what balance it was that had to be reset today. I needed to decide who I wanted to be: a cold-blooded - well definitely cold - killing monster or the man I wanted to be. The protector, the hero, a man trying to be worthy of Bella's love.

Slowly, regaining some self-control at that realization, I started to beat the monster down inside.

How _dare_ he show me this image! Granted, I was almost grateful, because seeing Bella dead in my thoughts was as infuriating as it was unbearable. The monster thought he could persuade me this way? Foolish of him to think so. Nothing could motivate me more to silence the monster for good than by showing the lifeless body of my beloved Bella.

Looking at her - from the safety of the tree's shade - I read shock on Bella's face. I suppose there was a hint of fear too. A part of me still wanted her to run, but I knew the monster would probably like to chase after her. Perhaps it was safer if she remained still. Really still.

"I'm… sorry… Edward," she whispered, staring down her empty hand. She looked hurt, broken.

_Oh, it was on! _As Emmett would say. The monster had hurt Bella by simply existing. By his lust for her. And I was - after all - her vampire angel, so I could not tolerate this. And so my self control started to grow to normal - sensible, reasonable - proportions again, beating the monster down further. Not _yet_ far enough though. There was still danger, but I needed to reassure Bella - take away some of the hurt, the fear.

"Give me a moment," I called loud enough for her to her.

Bella remained very still, perhaps intuitively knowing this could save her.

I breathed in and out. The air wasn't tainted here in the shadows. I could not taste Bella's scent this far away. It helped to clear my mind, to regain composure, _control_. The shadows seemed less mocking now. I could almost see the sun break through them.

I did not know if I was strong enough. If Bella was safe now. But I could not hide in the darkness forever. Nor did I want to. Everything had felt so perfect - so heavenly- before, being close to Bella, that I longed to feel that peaceful again.

After several seconds - which seemed like a life time to me and I believed it had to feel long to Bella as well - I slowly walked back into the meadow.

As I reached closer to where Bella was sitting, her scent came back, the thick whiffs of it evaporated by the sun, clouding up the air around me. The monster responded to this, hissing inside, venom seeping into my mouth again, reminding me of the monster I still was. I fiercely tried to pay no attention to it and focus on regaining my self control fully.

Keeping a few feet between us, I sank to the ground, gazing at Bella. I breathed in deep, knowing - almost even welcoming - the wrecking ball that her scent was to me, would soon hit me again and then smiled in apology.

"I am so very sorry."Would you understand what I meant if I said I was only human?" I asked, trying to sound light and joking.

_Only_ human. _Not_ quite.

Bella nodded, but she did not return my smile. I could hear her heart beating rapidly; I could feel the heat of adrenaline coming off her body, even from where I sat. But most of all, I could smell the fear - or rather - her conscious realization there was danger nearby. That _I_ was that danger.

Oh, _fantastic._ Now she was afraid. It felt like the universe had toyed with me. Like they displayed Bella in front of me - like an example of the deepest, the most whole kind of love - encouraging me to be with her and now they were yanking her away.

_Now_ she understood how dangerous I was. My earlier warnings, every single one of them had been ignored by her. She'd been backwards about it, her intuition not working when it came to what I was. But now, at this crucial moment, she had finally become afraid.

Life was so very hard - and unfair - indeed.

Of course, she was completely justified in her fear. I had wanted her to be afraid and now she was. The worst part was; I couldn't even comfort her. The man inside wasn't the hero, wasn't the one to make her fears go away. I hadn't regained enough control yet to do it. Not to mention she probably did not want me near her right now because _I_ was the one causing the danger.

_This_ had to end. There was a balance to be reset. I realized that I could only regain my human composure, be the man I wanted to be - for Bella, hoping she'd still want me - If I was honest now. If I showed her my true nature. It was not just about my self control, it was also about Bella's acceptance of my nature. Not the cultivated facade I had shown her so far - all she had heard were stories and all she had seen were my heroic attempts at saving her from Tyler's van and the thugs in Port Angeles - but she had never seen me bare like this.

_Don't underestimate Bella..._

Alice's words echoed through me, strengthening me to be straight with Bella.

"I'm the world's best predator, aren't I? Everything about me invites you in — my voice, my face, even my _smell_. As if I need any of that!" I shouted mockingly.

My voice, my features, my scent. All so useful and so useless at the same time. They lured her in, only to trap her. Part of the things Bella seemed to like about me, were the very things that could get her killed.

I ran, knowing it would not take me more than a portion of a second to circle the entire meadow. Dangerously close to losing all the self control I had managed to regain when standing in the shade, I still felt the need to do this. Thankfully, the running released some of the rage I felt.

"As if you could outrun me," I laughed bitterly at my illustration of that fact.

Even if I had been a human like for instance Mike Newton - how I longed for that now, to be like that utterly useless boy, to be a regular man - my running would have been better than Bella's. Not because it was gender related - although most human males would probably be able to outrun their female counterparts - but because Bella would most likely not be able to get away from me without hurting herself by tripping and falling. And if she fell and hurt herself - perhaps bleed even - than all was lost. That kind of weakness would crumble all my self control and make the monster unstoppable.

Without any effort I reached for the spruce I was now leaning against. I ripped off a two-foot thick branch - the wood cracking in my hand - and balanced it on that hand before throwing it against another tree. The tree trembled at the blow of it.

I leaped toward Bella, coming to a halt two feet away for her.

"As if you could fight me off," I said gently.

Bella stared at me, her eyes wide, full of fear and..._wonder_, fascination even.

Her face ashen. Unable to move.

The dance between hunter and prey.

Slow.

Seductive.

_Dangerous_.

I gazed back, knowing she could see the monster in my eyes. Of course she could because I had just shown her everything I was. Fast, strong, perhaps even beautiful to the human eye. The perfect monster to seduce her. _To kill her._

I took a deep breath and focussed. This had been what Alice had seen. The loss of control, my little demonstration just now.

_But..._

Bella was still here, only a few feet away. More importantly, she was _alive_.

Staring at her - her flushed crimson cheeks prominently colouring her cream skin, her intuitive chocolate eyes wide with fear and a hint of curiosity - I realized I could not live without this magnificent image, this amazing girl. Bella wasn't my prey.

She was_ my life. _

Suddenly, like the bursting of a delicate soap-bubble, the images I had seen before - from brushing my lips against her throat to her lifeless body in my arms - vanished entirely...

A certain calm washed over me. I was certain now. _Bella would live_. I searched and listened inside to hear the monster hiss, waited to feel the venom burn my mouth once more, but there was nothing.

"Don't be afraid," I murmured softly. "I promise…" I hesitated at the promise I wasn't sure I could fulfil just yet... "I s_wear _not to hurt you."

Was this my new found balance then? Had the angel managed to beat the monster?

I had shown everything I was. Good and bad, hero and hunter. And whatever happened now, was up to Bella. I was certain that she was scared but maybe, just maybe...- and I could barely hope for this - her love for me was more substantial than fearing me.

"Don't be afraid," I whispered again as I slowly approached Bella.

I sat down next to her, only a foot away

"Please forgive me," I said formally. "I _can _control myself. You caught me off guard. But I'm on my best behavior now."

Bella stayed silent, seemingly shell-shocked.

"I'm not thirsty today, honestly." I winked, hoping it would lighten her mood. It seemed to work a little as she flashed me a small smile.

And I wasn't thirsty. It was done for. The burning wouldn't fade, but I could no longer taste the venom in my mouth. The immense aching for her blood was gone, all that remained was the dry burning and I could handle that. Alice had been right. If anything, I'd at least bring Bella back safely. Surely Alice would have seen this latest turn of events by now. The only question remaining at this moment was in what mental state I'd bring Bella back. How much more could she take? Would I still have a place in her heart after today? I shuddered at the idea that I did not.

"Are you all right?" I asked tenderly, reaching out slowly -carefully - to place my cold hand back into her soft warm one. Hoping she would not pull away.

She looked at my hand and then briefly into my eyes. I hoped she could see the monster was gone completely now. That her faith in me could be restored, even if I didn't deserve it.

She looked back at my hand and like before she started to trace the lines with her fingertip. And like before it felt heavenly. She looked up and smiled timidly.

She was still here and although possibly still shaken and scared, it did not seem like she was going to run. I smiled at the relief of that.

"So where were we, before I behaved so rudely?" I asked softly.

"I honestly can't remember." Bella replied quietly.

"I think we were talking about why you were afraid, besides the obvious reason." I reminded her smilingly.

"Oh, right." she remembered.

"Well?" I pressed.

Like so often, Bella did not answer immediately and my frustration at being unable to read her mind grew again. She continued to draw invisible lines on my arms, holding on to her thoughts without sharing them.

"How easily frustrated I am," I sighed admittedly.

She gazed into my eyes and I could not help but see some sort of realization in it. Something seemed to click for her. Naturally, I wished to know what it was.

"I was afraid… because, for, well, obvious reasons, I can't _stay _with you. And I'm afraid that I'd like to stay with you, much more than I should." she admitted quietly.

_This_ was her fear? Not the fear of getting murdered by me. Not afraid of the monster. She was afraid of _losing_ me? She wanted to stay with me, _even now_? After everything she had seen...

This filled me with the same hope I had felt when Bella had told me it did not matter to her what I was.

Still, I could not help but agree. It was a great risk to want to stay with me, like I was just as scared of wanting to stay with her - of being too weak to ever leave her. Despite the fact she'd be better off without me.

"Yes," I agreed. "That is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be with me. That's really not in your best interest."

Not in her best interest at all. But...she still wanted to be with me. I could not help but hold on to this fact. _Bella still wanted me._

Bella frowned, seemingly displeased at my words.

"I should have left long ago," I sighed, knowing it was true; that I had been so selfish all along.

"I should leave now. But I don't know if I can.", I admitted.

I couldn't. How could I ever leave Bella? Had I not tried? Merely failed attempts, they'd been...

Maybe I hadn't tried hard enough. Maybe I just didn't want to try.

"I don't want you to leave," she mumbled, looking down again.

_And I don't want to leave you, ever..._

But was that fair? After everything that had occurred just moments ago, was it fair to Bella to remain in my presence? Even if she seemed to want to?

"Which is exactly why I should. But don't worry. I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should." I told her.

"I'm glad." she said eagerly.

Of course she would be. _She was in too deep_, according to her own words.

"Don't be!" I said harshly, withdrawing my hand from hers.

My hand felt ice cold again immediately without the amazing warmth of her hand stroking mine.

"It's not only your company I crave! Never forget _that_. Never forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else." I warned her.

I looked away from her face, gazing back into the forest, feeling shame at admitting my previous need to murder her.

"I don't think I understand exactly what you mean — by that last part anyway," Bella said.

_Well, Bella...you have no idea how potent your blood is. How badly I have wanted to taste you since that first day..._

Hmm, she'd probably need a more general, less specific - less frightful - explanation than that...

I looked at her and smiled reassuringly...

"How do I explain?" I mused. "And without frightening you again… hmmmm."

In an almost natural - normal - gesture I placed my hand back into hers, instantly making it feel warmer. Bella locked mine into hers tightly.

"That's amazingly pleasant, the warmth." I sighed - momentarily sinking in the wonderful feeling that was her soft grip on my hand - trying to think of how I could explain my bloodlust best, without terrifying her...again.

"You know how everyone enjoys different flavors?" I started "Some people love chocolate ice cream, others prefer strawberry?"

The food analogy felt redundant and not all-covering but it made the explanation less...horrific, morbid.

Bella nodded.

"Sorry about the food analogy — I couldn't think of another way to explain." I said.

She smiled at this and I smiled back.

"You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let's say you placed in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac —and filled the room with its warm aroma — how do you think he would fare then?" I continued...

I did not expect her to answer that, it wasn't so much a question as it was an example. I gazed at her and she gazed at me. So desperately I wanted to know her thoughts. Of course this was nothing new, but right now it would be very convenient to know what Bella was thinking. Just this once.

In her eyes, still on mine, there seemed to be a hint of the same frustration. Like she tried to decipher my thoughts too...

Or maybe she did not understand my analogy. Granted, I was explaining this illogically.

"Maybe that's not the right comparison. Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead."

"So what you're saying is, I'm your brand of heroin?" Bella teased.

I should have known. Her deductive skills were better than mine. Once again she saw right to the core, no need to beat around the bush, so to speak.

I smiled at this; "Yes, you are _exactly _my brand of heroin."

_And I am nothing but an addict. A sucker for your blood. No pun intended, _I thought sarcastically.

"Does that happen often?" she asked, like it was the right thing - an almost normal thing - to ask.

Another piece of my complex nature she took _too_ well.

"I spoke to my brothers about it." I stared into the distance, to gather my answers so I could explain to her right. "To Jasper, every one of you is much the same. He's the most recent to join our family. It's a struggle for him to abstain at all. He hasn't had time to grow sensitive to the differences in smell, in flavor."

How could I be talking about this, almost casually too. Like my nature was in fact normal, _acceptable_.

I looked at her in apology. "Sorry," I said sincerely.

"I don't mind. Please don't worry about offending me, or frightening me, or whichever. That's the way you think. I can understand, or I can try to at least. Just explain however you can.", she encouraged.

Could there be a better, more empathetic person than Bella? I had known my father to be quite understanding, but Bella seemed to hold a candle to him.

I took a deep breath and looked away from Bella, before I continued.

"So Jasper wasn't sure if he'd ever come across someone who was as" — I hesitated, searching for the right word, the least scary word, the word that would convey what I was trying to say, but even the word I used didn't feel completely accurate — "_appealing _as you are to me. Which makes me think not. Emmett has been on the wagon longer, so to speak, and he understood what I meant. He says twice, for him, once stronger than the other."

"And for you?" she asked curiously

"Never."

_Never._ I'd come across plenty of humans in my time of existence. All of them smelled good, because my nature made me crave their blood by default. But the potency of Bella's blood was unique.

"What did Emmett do?" Bella asked to break the silence.

_Emmett_...Emmett didn't even try to be strong enough to defy the monster inside. He had taken his prey easily both times. Without thinking, - without fighting his personal monster - he had simply drained his victims without remorse.

Thinking about it, remembering the thirst I felt at Emmett's memories of his slip-ups, the thirst I felt for Bella at the time - made my hand clench into a fist inside Bella's smouldering hand. I couldn't look at her.

"I guess I know," she finally said.

_What would she be thinking now_, I wondered.

That my brother was a killer? Even more so, that _I_ was going to be one?

Granted, I had killed before, but never without justification.

I didn't want her to think ill of him nor me.

I lifted my eyes to look at her.

"Even the strongest of us fall off the wagon, don't we?" I pleaded.

"What are you asking? My permission?" Bella said icily.

Her permission? To kill her? To take her life? To give the monster what he wanted after all? He'd never need her permission for it. He'd just take. Not that I'd ever let him though...

She gazed at me for a small moment and her eyes - and tone - softened.

"I mean, is there no hope, then?" she rephrased.

Did she really believe I was asking her if it was alright if I'd kill her?

Did she believe I'd hurt her when I'd been trying so hard, so desperately to keep her safe. I wanted her to see that...to understand that.

"No, no!" "Of course there's hope! I mean, of course I won't…" I started remorsefully

_Kill you. Not deliberately anyway...not anymore. _

I gazed into Bella eyes intensely, trying to explain; "It's different for us. Emmett… these were strangers he happened across. It was a long time ago, and he wasn't as… practiced, as careful, as he is now."

"So if we'd met… oh, in a dark alley or something…" Bella suggested quietly

The need for her to understand how difficult it had been to keep her safe, how her potent blood had taunted me, how much I loved her, became imminent.

"It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and —" I hesitated - the guilt thick in my voice - unable to look at her now. "When you walked past me, I could have ruined everything Carlisle has built for us, right then and there. If I hadn't been denying my thirst for the last, well, too many years, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself."

"You must have thought I was possessed." I told her.

Well, I had been. By a monster. A monster who felt non-present now.

"I couldn't understand why. How you could hate me so quickly," she said

"To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me. The fragrance coming off your skin… I thought it would make me deranged that first day. In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone. And I fought them each back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them. I had to run out, to get away before I could speak the words that would make you follow…" I explained

Bella stared at me in shock. I knew she was trying to take this all in, but how much could someone take. I was practically insulting her now.

I returned her stare, trying to reassure her the danger was gone now. I tried to dazzle her, as unfitting as it might have been. I wanted her to know that this was just the aftermath, not the part where she needed to be afraid.

"You would have come," I promised.

"Without a doubt." Bella agreed, her voice a little shaky.

I looked at our hands, so perfectly entwined now, realizing that my explanations did not help. But I really needed everything to be out in the open. It was the only way she'd understand. The only way she'd have a choice...

"And then, as I tried to rearrange my schedule in a pointless attempt to avoid you, you were there — in that close, warm little room, the scent was maddening. I so very nearly took you then. There was only one other frail human there — so easily dealt with."

Bella shivered. An appropriate reaction to what I was telling her.

"But I resisted. I don't know how. I forced myself _not _to wait for you, _not _to follow you from the school. It was easier outside, when I couldn't smell you anymore, to think clearly, to make the right decision. I left the others near home — I was too ashamed to tell them how weak I was, they only knew something was very wrong — and then I went straight to Carlisle, at the hospital, to tell him I was leaving.", I continued

This seemed to surprise her, because her eyes grew wide.

"I traded cars with him — he had a full tank of gas and I didn't want to stop. I didn't dare to go home, to face Esme. She wouldn't have let me go without a scene. She would have tried to convince me that it wasn't necessary…

"By the next morning I was in Alaska." I told her.

The memory of leaving my family so abruptly brought back the shame I felt. The shame that someone as insignificant as Bella Swan had seemed those first few days - a ridiculous concept, she was anything but insignificant to me now. She was everything - could have such a hold over me.

"I spent two days there, with some old acquaintances… but I was homesick. I hated knowing I'd upset Esme, and the rest of them, my adopted family. In the pure air of the mountains it was hard to believe you were so irresistible. I convinced myself it was weak to run away. I'd dealt with temptation before, not of this magnitude, not even close, but I was strong. Who were you, an insignificant little girl" — I had to grin at that, because it brought back all those memories where Bella had threatened people - Mike when he almost did not ask Jessica to the dance, me when I had blocked her way when Tyler had wanted to ask her to that same dance - "to chase me from the place I wanted to be? So I came back…" I said.

"I took precautions, hunting, feeding more than usual before seeing you again. I was sure that I was strong enough to treat you like any other human. I was arrogant about it."

"It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn't simply read your thoughts to know what your reaction was to me. I wasn't used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica's mind… her mind isn't very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that. And then I couldn't know if you really meant what you said. It was all extremely irritating."

I grew frustrated at the thought of how disgusting and mean Jessica's mind had been towards both Bella and myself back then.

"I wanted you to forget my behaviour that first day, if possible, so I tried to talk with you like I would with any person. I was eager actually, hoping to decipher some of your thoughts. But you were too interesting, I found myself caught up in your expressions… and every now and then you would stir the air with your hand or your hair, and the scent would stun me again…"

I could not stop now. As Bella looked at me, I kept spilling this ugly truth about myself.

"Of course, then you were nearly crushed to death in front of my eyes. Later I thought of a perfectly good excuse for why I acted at that moment — because if I hadn't saved you, if your blood had been spilled there in front of me, I don't think I could have stopped myself from exposing us for what we are.

But I only thought of that excuse later. At the time, all I could think was, 'Not her.'"

I closed my eyes and remembered how I had stood there; contemplating whether or not I should go and talk to Bella one minute and hearing Alice gasp at the vision of Bella being crushed by Tyler's van the next. Bella had almost died before. And not even because of my crazy thirst. Ironically, she _lived_ because of me.

Naturally, Bella remembered that too. "In the hospital?" she asked faintly.

"I was appalled. I couldn't believe I had put us in danger after all, put myself in your power — you of all people. As if I needed another motive to kill you."

The horror of the word hit us both as I spoke it aloud. It seemed like such a silly thing now, but no less than thirty minutes ago it had been a strong possibility.

I decided to continue explaining, instead of dwelling on that; "But it had the opposite effect, I fought with Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper when they suggested that now was the time… the worst fight we've ever had. Carlisle sided with me, and Alice."

_By the way, Alice sees you becoming a vampire someday. How'd you feel about that? _I thought wryly at the memory of the night where Alice had seen only one out of two futures for Bella. One, - me killing Bella so I could taste her delicious blood - I had managed to fight off today. The other - the one I refused to think about too often because of its absurdity; as if I'd ever take Bella's life to damn her to immortality - would never come to pass either, not if I could help it. So Alice definitely needed new - happier - visions for Bella, because the two she had so far, were false positives.

"Esme told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay." I told her.

My mother, only concerned about my well-being...

"All that next day I eavesdropped on the minds of everyone you spoke to, shocked that you kept your word. I didn't understand you at all. But I knew that I couldn't become more involved with you. I did my very best to stay as far from you as possible. And every day the perfume of your skin, your breath, your hair… it hit me as hard as the very first day." I said.

I breathed in slowly and just like that first day, the potency was still there. It would always be. But it was no longer deadly. So, if I could keep my self control, mixed with this suitable self torture, because of the potence that would forever exist, if I could do it - and I felt like I could- than I could try and be with Bella.

Bella who remained human, until death claimed her naturally. The next 70 years, I'd protect her, be with her and love her. And then, if it was her time to go, I'd find a way to follow. Hoping, there was some kind of other heaven too. A heaven where Bella and I could be together forever, without any kind of eternal damnation to make her unhappy.

I'd create a new vision for Alice, one that did not have to be horrid or macabre.

Thinking about that, I met her eyes and looked at her tenderly.

"And for all that," I spoke softly, "I'd have fared better if I _had _exposed us all at that first moment, than if now, here — with no witnesses and nothing to stop me — I were to hurt you."

"Why?"

_Why? Well, I love you. Only you. Forever you. Killing you would kill me now, _I wanted to tell her.

Hmm, better not use the word 'kill' again...also, I needed something more complete, more permanent. Better words...

"Isabella." I pronounced her full name carefully, whilst softly ruffling through her thick brown locks because I simply could not resist. Touching her hair like that had set off the monster before, but all it did now was bring back the electric currents from earlier, making my fingers feel tingly. I welcomed that feeling eagerly.

"Bella, I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don't know how it's tortured me", I looked down, ashamed again. "The thought of you, still, white, cold… to never see you blush scarlet again, to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretences… it would be unendurable."

For a small second my mind flashed to the vision the monster had shown me before.

Cold, white, dead Bella in my arms. The pain of it ripped right through me. The insufferable hurt of it reminding me why it was never going to happen. Selfish as I was, this wasn't just about Bella's safety anymore. Not just about her life. It was also about mine. Because she was my life.

"You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever." I told her softly, every word meant wholeheartedly.

And she was. She had been for a while but actually telling her, made it seem more real. I had declared myself to her now. And all I could hope for was that it was _enough_. That everything I had put her through this afternoon would disappear to the background by my declaration of love.

She remained silent. If there were ever a time I needed a small glimpse into her mind, now would be it. I sought her affirmation, her love. It did not matter if it wasn't as strong as mine, I did not expect that. But right now, I needed her to care enough for me for it to make her want to stay. I couldn't lose her now. Not after her bravery had carried her so far. It would be the largest of punishments if she left me now.

Finally, after what seemed to be ages, she spoke.

"You already know how I feel, of course," she finally said. "I'm here… which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you." she frowned. "I'm an idiot."

_I would rather die than stay away from you_, I mused silently. It was wrong to like the phrasing of affirmation, but I did. Because it summed up everything in a precise way. Bella wanted me regardless of the dangers accompanying that desire. And that was _enough_ for me.

I laughed; "You _are _an idiot,"

Our eyes met, and thankfully she was not insulted by my wording of her state of mind, but laughed too.

Our laughs matched; both nervous, amazed and mostly in disbelief. We had actually just formed the most impossible of kinships.

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…" I murmured poetically.

"What a stupid lamb," Bella sighed.

"What a sick, masochistic lion." I agreed dryly.

So this was it. The lion and the lamb. The lion not to hunt the lamb, but to protect her. To love her. To be with her. Did that mean the lamb would eventually transform into a lion. Or could the lion and the lamb co-exist without altering one another to the extent of living a miserable existence. An immortal existence, surely to make Bella nothing but unhappy.

Bella pulled me from my thoughts, my worries for the future.

Although, at least now it seemed like we maybe had one...

The idea of that was promising, comforting.

"Why…?" she started and then paused, seemingly unsure of something...

"Yes?" I smiled

"Tell me why you ran from me before." she demanded.

Yes, let's go back to the part where I almost killed you. "You know why." I pointed out.

"No, I mean, _exactly _what did I do wrong? I'll have to be on my guard, you see, so I better start learning what I shouldn't do. This, for example" — she stroked the back of my hand releasing another string of electric bolts again— "seems to be all right." she said

"You didn't do anything wrong, Bella. It was my fault." I assured her.

"But I want to help, if I can, to not make this harder for you." she spoke softly

"Well…It was just how close you were. Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness… I wasn't expecting you to come so close. And the smell of your _throat_." I hesitated..

I did not want to bring back the fear...

Luckily I did not seem to..."Okay, then," Bella said lightly, tucking in her chin. "No throat exposure."

I laughed at that. Leave it to Bella to lighten a tense moment with her absurd absence of self-protection. I realized she and Emmett had that in common. Their ability to see light in the darkness. Where I usually could not.

"No, really, it was more the surprise than anything else." I explained.

I slowly raised my hand and gently touched the side of her neck. This was a small test, one I knew I could ace - so to speak-

Her warmth burned into my skin and it felt amazing. Because it was the ultimate proof she was alive.

"You see," I said. "Perfectly fine."

And it was. There was no monster now, not even the softest purring of him inside. The man, however...he started to wake up indefinitely.

I could hear Bella's heart beating rapidly, her thudding pulse made her blood race through her veins, staining her cheeks with a bright pink flush.

I knew this wasn't fear; this was the same yearning I had.

"The blush on your cheeks is lovely," I murmured.

I freed my hand from Bella's and softly brushed against her rosy cheeks.

The heat, the electricity - more tests of self control, more tests I wanted to pass - seeped into my veins, making their way through my body.

I took her face in my hands, hoping my cold touch would have the same effect as Bella's warm one. Hoping the electricity would take away the worst of the cold. I did not want to make her feel uncomfortable now.

"Be very still," I whispered intently, knowing any unsudden moves might resurrect the monster or...that my self control would be lost in the heat of the moment and I'd hurt her by accident.

Slowly, never looking away from her eyes, I leaned in. I had to try this. The biggest test of them all so far. _The one_ I _needed_ to pass.

I gently rested my icy cheek against the hollow at the base of Bella's throat. I breathed in - over and over- her scent consuming me, taking me over. Burning my throat, clouding my mind. But no longer in a murderous way, because I didn't taste venom in my mouth, I didn't feel the monster anymore.

Of course, the thirst was still there. It was part of my nature, part of the irony of it all. It would never disappear. Her blood would never lose its potence for me. For some reason that made it all the more significant, in an odd melancholic - and highly masochistic- way.

I released Bella's face and slid my hands down her neck with an extreme slowness. Bella shivered at my touch and I was not sure if it was the cold, the fear or perhaps desire causing it. I moved my hands down her shoulders, brushing my nose against her collarbone, breathing in her thick sweet aroma, burning my throat deliberately. Every skim flamed my nostrils, pounding down my body, into the hollow of my chest, where my heart once beat. And even lower, to my stomach, where the monster had roared before. This feeling wasn't so deadly; it didn't awake my killer -instincts. It was strong though, so very strong. A new kind of powerful, all consuming need.

The monster was gone, he had made place for the man.

I rested my head against her chest and listened to her heart, beating ever so rapidly, hammering in my ear. This was the most victorious symphony I had ever heard. I had won; Bella was truly safe from the monster now.

"Ah," I sighed, relieved at this.

We sat there in silence for a few immeasurable moments. Her pulse quieted after a while. I could have sat there forever, holding Bella, hearing her heart beat. Even swimming thick in her scent was preferable now, almost necessary. The more I breathed her in, the easier it got.

Eventually, I broke the silence between us.

"It won't be so hard again," I observed with satisfaction.

"Was that very hard for you?" Bella asked

"Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be", I told her honestly.

So many times before I had drifted into day-dreams of touching her, knowing what it could do to her if I did. But now, none of that mattered. We were passed that.

And you?" I mused

"No, it wasn't bad… for me," she said softly, a hint of embarrassment in her voice I understood.

I smiled at her inflection. "You know what I mean."

She smiled too. Apparently - and amazingly so - for Bella touching my icy skin wasn't repulsive. Perhaps her yearning scorched the coldness in a way...

"Here." I took her hand and placed it against my cheek - which felt like it was smouldering. "Do you feel how warm it is?"

Bella's eyes were wide, but not out of fear. She gazed at me in amazement, like she had done before when she first saw me in the sun.

"Don't move," she whispered.

I closed my eyes and sat there, immobile, waiting for what was to come.

Bella touching my cheek was like it was being caressed by the finest of silk.

She moved slowly, probably afraid to do something sudden. She stroked my eyelid and the hollow under my eye. She traced the shape of my nose with her fingers, eventually ending up at my lips...

If I had thought I was in heaven before -when lying in the grass, the sun heating my pale skin, Bella at my side stroking my hand - I was wrong. Or, perhaps not wrong, but extremely unknowing. Because Bella tracing my lips was the most absolute of heaven. Well, more or less. I parted my lips slightly to taste the heat coming of her fingers.

This was less heavenly, not to mention confusing, because it brought back the burn in my throat, hitting the hollow in my stomach, unleashing a fresh round of yearning, deviating my self control...

Bella pulled away then, which forced me to open my eyes. I was certain she read in mine what I read in hers: longing.

Her hammering - slightly unsteady - pulse seemed to confirm this. Bella felt the hunger I felt. But I couldn't imagine it was entirely the same. These human feelings, these yearnings, the electricity. It was so overpowering for me, because I hadn't felt this human in so long. Well, _ever_. But Bella, surely she had felt this way before, surely she had...

Then I remembered what she had said when I had asked her if she'd ever wanted anybody.

_Not in Phoenix..._

"I wish," I whispered, "I wish you could feel the… complexity… the confusion… I feel. That you could understand."

I raised my hand to her hair, carefully brushing it across her face. Touching her like this became more easy, almost normal.

"Tell me," she breathed.

Hmm, was she having some trouble with the turmoil of the yearning inside too?...at least her unequal breathing hinted at that.

"I don't think I can. I've told you, on the one hand, the hunger — the thirst — that, deplorable creature that I am, I feel for you. And I think you can understand that, to an extent. Though" — I half-smiled —"as you are not addicted to any illegal substances" - _apart from the occasional knock out with cold medicine - _I thought," you probably can't empathize completely."

"But…" My fingers touched her lips lightly - almost casually now- , making her shiver slightly. "There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me."

"I may understand _that _better than you think." Bella said

Yes, she was most definitely feeling some yearning too...

"I'm not used to feeling so human. Is it always like this?" I asked

"For me?" she paused. "No, never. Never before this."

_Not in Phoenix. Never before this, _her words echoed in my head.

I was still astounded by the idea she wanted me. And I still could not believe she wanted me as overwhelmingly as I wanted her. Also, I had no idea how to be a _boyfriend. _Well, no idea how to fulfil the physical requirements that came with that ridiculously human - and simply not all covering - title.

"I don't know how to be close to you," I admitted. "I don't know if I can."

I wanted to give her so much, but there were certain things I could never do.

Touching her was one thing. It could be accomplished if I firmly kept control of my actions - my strength - at all times. But what about everything else? Now that the man was wide awake, eager to feel human, act human - in _every _way possible - how could I give in to any kind of other - physical - longing, without accidentally hurting Bella...

She gazed at me intensively with her chocolate eyes, slowly leaning in, cautiously as she placed her cheek against my - once hollow, now oddly alive - cold chest

"This is enough," she sighed

If I would have had a heart beat, it would have boomed through the entire meadow. And I wished I had one, to illustrate the effect Bella had on me.

As if it was the most natural - human- thing to do I put my arms around her and pressed my face against her hair, my lips brushing against her locks.

The potence of this was welcome now. This was what I had wanted to do. Bella in my arms. Her warmth heating my body. This was the way to show how much I loved her and what Bella deserved. What I _wanted_ to give her. What I could manage to give her without the fear of breaking her soft body in a moment of uncontrolled passion.

"You're better at this than you give yourself credit for," She noted quietly.

"I have human instincts — they may be buried deep, but they're there." I explained.

_And rapidly resurfacing_, I thought, thinking about the pit in my stomach that kept sending out these little sparks, unleashing these - butterflies?

We sat there, either of us unwilling to move. But the light was beginning to fade, bringing around the shadows of the forest, bringing around another twilight.

Another day was almost done. My _finest day so far_ was almost done. Luckily, there were surely more to come.

Bella sighed and I knew _she too_ realized this.

"You have to go." I said softly, almost unwillingly.

"I thought you couldn't read my mind." Bella stated

"It's getting clearer." I smiled.

So we had to go. Chief Swan would probably be getting home soon and perhaps it was better to have Bella there too - safe and sound - before he arrived. I doubted she was ready and willing to explain me there in her presence.

I realized that if we had to hike back to the truck, it would take hours and I felt we shouldn't waste precious time by staggering through a dark forest when there was a much faster way.

"Can I show you something?" I asked, excitedly.

"Show me what?" Bella asked suspiciously

"I'll show you how _I _travel in the forest. Don't worry, you'll be very safe, and we'll get to your truck much faster." I smiled

"Will you turn into a bat?" she asked warily.

I laughed loudly; "Like I haven't heard _that _one before!"

"Right, I'm sure you get that all the time." she agreed

"Come on, little coward, climb on my back." I encouraged her.

Bella looked at me in hesitation. I reached for her - this having the now familiar effect on her heart; her pulse quickening immediately at my touch - and slung Bella onto my back, setting in place her arms and legs tightly around me.

"I'm a bit heavier than your average backpack," she warned.

"Hah!" I snorted. I could not help but find her human reactions so very endearing and humorous.

I grabbed her hand and pressed her palm against my face, so desperate to feel the heat coming off her skin, burning into mine. I inhaled deeply, letting her scent burn my throat - almost with delight now -

"Easier all the time," I muttered.

And then I ran. I could feel Bella cling to me tighter and tighter. This had a strange effect on me. Since I barely had to concentrate on the running - it being natural for me, even with this gorgeous girl holding on for dear life to me - I fell back into an exuberant day dream I had before.

Touching Bella had been a test I had passed. But what I thought of now was trickier than that. I knew from the plays and movies I had seen and from what I had observed unwillingly with my family that kissing someone could be one of the most passionate and consuming ways of showing someone your feelings. And frankly, it had been something I had been thinking about from the moment I had realized I loved her. Her soft full warm red lips brushing against mine - the thought of it made me feel a strange high, soon followed by this completely devouring combination of lust - I was ashamed of that, knowing Mike Newton lusted for her as well, albeit it seemed very unlikely his lust was as all consuming as mine and admittedly the comparison felt oddly appropriate since today I felt more like a seventeen year old boy than I had ever before - and small panic. Panic because I had never - in my existence that had lasted over a centennial - done this.

As a seventeen year old human boy, I had been too busy with wanting to fight in a war I could barely comprehend. Being a soldier was all I thought about so I never paid any attention to the females around me. Although I imagined that if Bella had been in my presence at the time, I would have forgotten about my need to go to war easily. Still, the fact remained; I had never kissed a woman.

Now, I_ wanted _to kiss Bella. The yearning inside making me want it to be rather _sooner _than later.

After a few minutes we arrived at the truck.

"Exhilarating, isn't it?" I asked, my voice excited. But not just because of the run. Mostly at what I had thought about during...

I stood there, waiting for Bella to climb down but she didn't.

_Oh, no! Had I hurt her, had I been too preoccupied with my silly teenage boy lusts that I had missed that she had gotten hurt..?_

"Bella?" I asked anxiously

"I think I need to lie down," she gasped.

"Oh, sorry." I murmured. But she did not move an inch, still clinging to me like she was afraid to touch solid ground.

"I think I need help," she admitted, her voice unsteady.

I quietly laughed - relieved she seemed alright - and loosened her grip on me. I pulled her around my body into her arms and held her like that for a bit, until I eventually gently placed her on the cool ground. I sat down next to her.

"How do you feel?" I asked.

"Dizzy, I think." she said weakly

"Put your head between your knees." I advised.

We sat there, Bella with her head between her knees, trying to breathe evenly.

"I guess that wasn't the best idea," I mused.

"No, it was very interesting." Bella said unconvincingly

"Hah! You're as white as a ghost — no, you're as white as _me_!" I scoffed teasingly

"I think I should have closed my eyes." she mumbled

"Remember that next time." I teased

"Next time!" she groaned.

I laughed at her averseness of my way of travelling.

"Show-off," she muttered.

The newly found clearness in her voice made me think she was feeling better. And with that came back the thing I had been thinking about during my reckless run.

I leaned in toward her. "Open your eyes, Bella," I said quietly.

Her wide deep brown eyes penetrated mine. Yes, I _definitely_ wanted to kiss Bella right this minute...

"I was thinking, while I was running…" I paused.

"About not hitting the trees, I hope." she interrupted

I chuckled at her sarcasm; "Silly Bella, running is second nature to me, it's not something I have to think about."

"Show-off," she muttered again.

She was certainly starting to feel less faint.

"No," I continued, "I was thinking there was something I wanted to try."

I had not experienced many cases of nervousness in my existence - thinking it was mostly a human thing - but this was one of those times.

I had never done this before. I had observed it, but I did not know what it would feel like or what was desired. I didn't know if Bella had ever been kissed - she hadn't dated in Phoenix, but that didn't necessarily mean she had never been kissed - although I secretly and perhaps foolishly - wondered if maybe I would be the first in that department too - and so I had no idea how she would receive this. I had no doubt anymore she wanted me - I was quite certain she did - but what if my cold lips were a problem. I did not want her - possible - first kiss, my first kiss, _and our_ first kiss to be uncomfortable.

But I wanted to do this. There was this urge - an unstoppable hunger - inside to do this.

So I took Bella's face into my hands and pressed my cold lips softly against Bella's full warm ones.

OK, I had been wrong _again_. Had I truly thought I was in heaven before, clearly I was still mistaken. This - her lips brushing against mine, heating them, indulging my inner longings, making them grow into this grand desire, until recently so unknown to me - had to be heaven.

_Though perhaps not entirely..._

Bella response was one that every man would delightfully have anticipated on, hoped for even. In my wildest day - dreams I surely had hoped for this response too. Her reaction to my lips was clearly not one of fright or repulsion.

It took less than a second until her heated lips became burning flames. She knotted her fingers in my hair and pulled herself to me with a relatively strong force - especially for someone seemingly as breakable as her - her lips parted, breathing in my scent, her lips demanding my attention, claiming my longings as her own.

I had to break this off before I'd let the hunger cloud my mind entirely, albeit I was so very unwilling to release my lips from hers. And although Bella seemed everything but breakable now, her human fragility against my immortal strength was my warning sign.

_Breakable! She is too breakable for you to respond to this! To let this go on. You cannot even begin to think about letting this go on. You'll crush her, if you don't regain control!_, I halted myself loudly inside.

I did not want my kiss to be the death of her knowing my self control was crumbling under her warmth.

My face froze on her lips and I gently but forcefully pushed her face away.

"Oops," she breathed heavily

"That's an understatement." I stated, holding her face inches from mine in my cool hands.

"Should I…?" she tried to disengage herself from my hands, trying to give me space.

But I didn't want to let her go.

"No, it's tolerable. Wait for a moment, please." I said politely.

After a few seconds, the burning faded and my mind unclouded.

I had regained control. This was good.

_Very good._ Perhaps I could kiss her more easily now, knowing I would not crumble because of it. It did not have to be any more of a problem than the thirst. As long as I remained firmly in control.

"There," I said smilingly

"Tolerable?" Bella asked.

"I'm stronger than I thought. It's nice to know." I laughed

"I wish I could say the same. I'm sorry." she muttered

"You _are _only human, after all." I teased

"Thanks so much," she said icily

I jumped to my feet and held out a hand to help Bella up.

She took my hand in support, as she still seemed a bit unbalanced. I wondered if that was because of the run or because of the strange perfection of our kiss. Or, at least that was what it had felt like for me. Our lips - fire and ice - had not rejected but welcomed each other.

"Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?" I joked, knowing my assessment might not be so far off the mark.

"I can't be sure, I'm still woozy," she managed to respond.

"I think it's some of both, though." she answered, confirming she enjoyed the locking of our outlandishly well matching lips too.

"Maybe you should let me drive." I suggested, hoping to escape another round of Bella driving. It wasn't that she was a bad driver. I just preferred driving myself, overly macho I apparently was at times...

"Are you insane?" she protested.

_Madly in love with you, beyond anything. Other than that, well...maybe feeling insanely human at the moment,_ I thought happily

"I can drive better than you on your best day," I teasingly pointed out, "You have much slower reflexes."

"I'm sure that's true, but I don't think my nerves, or my truck, could take it," she retorted.

"Some trust, please, Bella." I demanded

"Nope. Not a chance." she grinned

Did she really think she'd win this argument...especially with her currently wobbly equilibrium...?

She tried to step around me but I caught her in a firm grip around her delicate waist - it felt very intimate to hold her like this - before she made it to the driver's side.

"Bella, I've already expended a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep you alive. I'm not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can't even walk straight. Besides, friends don't let friends drive drunk," I quoted with a chuckle.

"Drunk?" she objected.

"You're intoxicated by my very presence." I grinned

"I can't argue with that," she sighed in defeat.

After everything that had happened today, it absolutely still amazed but mostly thrilled me I was still able to intoxicate - or dazzle - her. She had ran, but _not_ from me. Towards me. Straight into my arms. Like she'd belonged there all along.

She held the key high and dropped it deliberately, knowing I'd catch it easily anyway.

"Take it easy — my truck is a senior citizen." she warned.

"Very sensible," I approved.

"And are you not affected at all?" she asked with a hint of irritation - or was that disappointment - in her voice.

"By my presence?" she added

_Always, Bella. I have been affected by you from the moment we laid eyes on each other. In bad and good ways. Very good ways..._

I bent my face to hers and brushed my lips - so eager to having contact with her ivory warm skin again - from her jaw to her chin, back and forth.

I could feel her tremble at my touch. Which felt better than simply intoxicating her. This was a new kind of dazzling. And it was still so very equal; I could feel the longing inside growing into that grand desire again.

"Regardless," I finally murmured, "I have better reflexes..."

* * *

**Better reflexes, longer thought-processes, huh Edward :P**

**Well, that's part 2 as far as the meadow is concerned. Next stop: Mind Over Matter :)**

**Thanks for all the encouraging reviews!!**

**Happy weekending**


	9. Mind Over Matter

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and Midnight Sun, its dialogues, the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2008 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**CHAPTER 6: MIND OVER MATTER**

I felt triumphant, _victorious_.

Not only was Bella still alive - and safe - but we had also officially declared ourselves to one another. Certainly not something I had expected - only secretly hoped for - when I stood on her door step this morning. None of it had gone the way I had anticipated on beforehand, it had gone far better.

I had decided to take control; I had fought off the monster, defied him to save Bella, like the true vampire angel I wanted to be. So the monster had ceased to exist and a man had come to life. Albeit a man without a heart beat, but a man nonetheless.

Bella and I had spoken words. Words only short of true "I love you's" but in a way even better than that. Words that had turned the nightmare that portrayed my nature best, into a dream.

_I would rather die than stay away from you. _Bella's words. To every other person they'd sound wrong, backwards even. But when Bella spoke them - and she spoke them to me - they fit perfectly.

The sun was setting now, another day almost done. I didn't mind it today though because this day had marked the beginning. The beginning of the rest of my life.

I barely needed to look at the road as we drove back to Bella's house - my built in vampire radar took care of that - so I had my eyes free to gaze into the sunset. But mostly I used that liberty to look at the one person I could not keep my eyes off for long.

Bella had pulled down the window at the passenger seat side, seemingly enjoying the last of the sun before it would set entirely for the day. The soft breeze of wind made her brown locks dance around her face, pushing her scent toward me.

_What a difference an afternoon makes_, I thought.

Hours ago, her scent had a potence strong enough to awaken a merciless monster ready and willing to kill her to satiate the need for her blood. Now, although the burn was there - almost mild because I had grown rather de-sensitized - it felt natural. A reminder Bella was still with me. It was almost a victorious flame, instead of a scorching aching.

I drove with one hand at the wheel, my other free to hold Bella's firmly in mine. I was no longer afraid the coolness of my skin would scare or repulse her, because she never pulled away. She softly rubbed her thumb over my fingers, leaving behind these familiar electric currents which warmed my entire hand and arm.

I was amazed how beautifully our hands fit, though it shouldn't have really surprised me. In fact, every thing I had ever worried about - from the repelling feeling of my skin on hers, to her imminent death - seemed to have faded now. Bella would not die at the hand of the monster. And my skin was strangely pleasurable to her.

I felt jubilant, happy. This resulted in me singing along with the radio, which I had fine tuned to one of the only radio stations that did not butcher my hearing with the absurd pop-music out there nowadays.

"Love is a Many Splendored Thing" by the Four Aces was playing. Knowing every word, I sang along.

"You like fifties music?" Bella asked, looking at me

"Music in the fifties was good. Much better than the sixties, or the seventies, ugh!" I shuddered.

I had never been a fan of the sixties and seventies, with all those hippie messages of peace, love and understanding. Peace and love were hard to understand for a lonely bitter tormented sixty year old vampire. And the music had been just as horrid. It made the unbearable pop songs from nowadays sound like well thought through compositions.

"The eighties were bearable." I told her. And they were, mostly because it had been a selfish decade for human kind; an individual one, where my family and I did not stand out as much because people were paying more attention to themselves than they were to us.

"Are you ever going to tell me how old you are?" Bella asked hesitantly

I could tell from the tone of her voice she felt uncomfortable asking me this.

"Does it matter much?" I asked, smiling.

"No, but I still wonder…" she grimaced. "There's nothing like an unsolved mystery to keep you up at night."

Bella, always wondering and perhaps even slightly enjoying the mysteries that came with my bizarre nature... Well, I had something to wonder about in return...

"I wonder if it will upset you," I answered honestly.

It was odd. All this time my nature had stood between us. What I was and more importantly; what I was capable of.

But I just realized we had never talked about my - real - age, or my history. I didn't know how to answer her question, unknowing if it would bother her to know about my human time or how many years I had walked this earth. I let minutes pass by gazing into a last golden glimpse of the sun...

"Try me," Bella encouraged, breaking the silence.

I looked at her and I saw so many things in her eyes. Love, trust, understanding.

And she probably would understand.

"I was born in Chicago in 1901."

_So, I am somewhat older than you. _

I looked at Bella before I continued but her face showed no shock, nor surprise. I could not help but smile in relief.

"Carlisle found me in a hospital in the summer of 1918. I was seventeen, and dying of the Spanish influenza."

I could hear Bella breathe in and I glanced at her to find her face still neutral.

"I don't remember it well — it was a very long time ago, and human memories fade." I explained.

What I remembered from my human days was that I wanted to serve in the army and go to war. I also remembered my parents; though my mother better than my father - my mother being the adoring and doting parent, since I had been an only child and my father a hard working man, who had never been around enough to properly bond with. I didn't recall much else from that time. It didn't matter much to me now; whatever had happened to me during my humans days paled in comparison to what was happening to me now. It truly felt like I had been given a chance to live again.

"I do remember how it felt, when Carlisle saved me. It's not an easy thing, not something you could forget." I went on.

"Your parents?" Bella wondered

"They had already died from the disease. I was alone. That was why he chose me. In all the chaos of the epidemic, no one would ever realize I was gone." I explained.

I barely recalled the panic and the chaos; I vaguely remembered that human after human fell ill and died. First my father, though I had barely noticed since I had already fallen ill myself and then my mother. And as I waited for my time to come too, it never did. Because my true father - Carlisle - had saved me.

"How did he… save you?" Bella asked quietly

"It was difficult. Not many of us have the restraint necessary to accomplish it. But Carlisle has always been the most humane, the most compassionate of us… I don't think you could find his equal throughout all of history." I told her.

"For me, it was merely very, very painful." I recalled

This was something I'd rather not think about. The pain was almost unbearable. I remembered how it burned - the worst burn ever, far worse than the scorching of Bella's scent had been that first day she sat next to me - and how I couldn't move. How I drifted in and out of small oblivion, the burning never fading. I vaguely recalled I had thought to be at war, assuming that I had been hit by a grenade or something, because it had felt like I had been set on fire with pieces of glass ripped through my body. But eventually, the fire retreated from my body. I could not remember when my heart had finally stopped beating. All I recalled was silence. Silence and confusion.

Thinking about it, brought back Alice future-vision for Bella into my mind; where she'd become one of us. An immortal.

It could never be that way. Bella would never become a vampire. No one in their right mind, no one who loved her would put her through that. The pain, the confusion, the loss of a beautiful soul in exchange of becoming a monster.

And for what?

So that I could get to stay with her forever?

If I had been granted a chance at a second life, surely I'd never take hers. No matter how badly I wanted to be with her.

Nonetheless, as selfish as I thought the changing of Bella into an immortal being to be, I did understand my father's decision to change me. The situations were entirely different. I was dying, so my life would have been over anyway.

"He acted from loneliness. That's usually the reason behind the choice. I was the first in Carlisle's family, though he found Esme soon after. She fell from a cliff. They brought her straight to the hospital morgue, though, somehow, her heart was still beating." I continued.

"So you must be dying, then, to become…" Bella suggested, avoiding the particular word that defined my nature.

_A Vampire_...I finished her sentence silently

"No, that's just Carlisle. He would never do that to someone who had another choice." I explained.

My father was far too good to ever take a life without reason. Without meaning. Only a life at its end, a life worth saving, was a life he took, replacing it with immortality. I wondered how he would justify taking Bella's life, knowing he would not be doing it to safe her but only to appease me, to grant a selfish wish. Would there ever be any justification in that...

"It is easier he says, though," I continued, "if the blood is weak."

I did not feel comfortable talking about this aspect of my nature. It felt like I was almost lying to her. Knowing what I knew, what Alice had seen, it felt inappropriate to discuss this with Bella.

Of course, she wouldn't let it go...

"And Emmett and Rosalie?" She asked

"Carlisle brought Rosalie to our family next. I didn't realize till much later that he was hoping she would be to me what Esme was to him — he was careful with his thoughts around me," I answered.

I remembered when Carlisle had brought Rosalie around. Her life forfeit, he wanted to save her. She was young and beautiful, so in a way his hopes had made sense. But I never felt a thing. Well, except for annoyance perhaps. I learned to accept Rosalie - _and_ her temper - and cared for her as a sister, but the idea she had once been meant for me by my father was absurd. Even more so now that I had found Bella, because there was no comparison. Of course, this was Rosalie's biggest frustration with Bella; she had never managed to capture me the way Bella did. Anyone not dazzled by Rosalie's beauty was a fool. Anyone who chose a mediocre - in the preposterously subjective and self-centred sight of my sister's eyes - human instead of Rosalie was nothing short of insane.

"But she was never more than a sister", I continued. "It was only two years later that she found Emmett. She was hunting —we were in Appalachia at the time — and found a bear about to finish him off. She carried him back to Carlisle, more than a hundred miles, afraid she wouldn't be able to do it herself. I'm only beginning to guess how difficult that journey was for her."

I had to give Rosalie credit where credit was due when it came to Emmett. Not only was he the best brother I could wish for, but I had to applaud my sister's strength for ignoring the temptation of Emmet's flowing blood and bring him to Carlisle. She loved herself a lot, but in the end she loved Emmett more. And I certainly respected that.

I glanced at Bella, softly brushing her cheek with the back of my hand, raising our folded hands in the motion to do so. Her cheeks flushed and the warmth of her blush heated my hand.

Momentarily I mused if I could ever be strong enough to resist Bella's blood, if she were wounded and about to die. Would I be able to take her to my father in time, the way Rosalie had done? A flashback from earlier sprang to mind in which I could hear a faint bellowing echo from the monster, so eager to taste her blood. The memory of it burned my throat.

_No_. I would not be able to stop myself.

So I just had to make sure it would never come to that.

"But she made it," Bella encouraged.

"Yes," I murmured. "She saw something in his face that made her strong enough. And they've been together ever since. Sometimes they live separately from us, as a married couple. But the younger we pretend to be, the longer we can stay in any given place. Forks seemed perfect, so we all enrolled in high school."

Rosalie and Emmett had achieved to resemble a rather human-like relationship. Although I was fairly sure Bella and I could give them a good run for their money. Every few years they'd be 'old' enough again to get married - according to human standards anyway - and would do so. Rosalie seemed to enjoy reliving her wedding day over and over. And Alice was always pleased to help organize this small event within my family. I had never cared much - I believed this routine, taking place every few years, was just another thing to fulfil Rosalie's need for attention - but now the ceremony itself gained more meaning. Although I dared not think such a commitment would ever be possible for Bella and me.

"I suppose we'll have to go to their wedding in a few years, _again_.", I told her, the idea of it making me smile, knowing both my sisters would already be looking forward to this event.

"Alice and Jasper?" Bella asked

"Alice and Jasper are two very rare creatures. They both developed a conscience, as we refer to it, with no outside guidance. Jasper belonged to another… family, a _very _different kind of family. He became depressed, and he wandered on his own. Alice found him. Like me, she has certain gifts above and beyond the norm for our kind."

Certain gifts indeed. I almost regretted telling Bella this. On the one hand I wanted to hide nothing about my nature, but on the other it was my sister's gift that had shown that disturbing future in the works for Bella.

Of course, this information peeked Bella's interest.

"Really?" she interrupted. I could hear the fascination in her voice. "But you said you were the only one who could hear people's thoughts."

"That's true. She knows other things. She _sees _things — things that might happen, things that are coming. But it's very subjective. The future isn't set in stone. Things change," I said wryly while shooting a quick glance at her.

And things would not be like Alice had seen them. After all, she had been wrong about the meadow. Bella sitting here with me -our hands intertwined - was proof of that. I'd create my own vision; one where Bella would remain human, where I'd love, honour and protect her and follow after her, when she died from old age after a long life.

She'd never lose her life to immortality.

"What kinds of things does she see?" Bella asked curiously.

I knew she had heard the unwillingness to explain in my voice and she'd probably seen something in my eyes as well, since she was too observant _not to_ notice, but I refused to explain to her how she had starred in a lot of Alice's visions lately. There would be no point to it, since it would never happen.

So I refocused on the past.

"She saw Jasper and knew that he was looking for her before he knew it himself. She saw Carlisle and our family, and they came together to find us. She's most sensitive to non-humans. She always sees, for example, when another group of our kind is coming near. And any threat they may pose," I explained.

"Are there a lot of… your kind?" she wondered.

I could hear the surprise in her voice. Naturally _I_ wondered what she could be thinking now. If she was afraid to hear my answer or perhaps going through the rosters of people she knew seeing who might fit the bill. Others than my family, of course.

I decided to reassure her; "No, not many. But most won't settle in any one place. Only those like us, who've given up hunting _you people_" — I could not help but glance at her, musing if my phrasing would sound as amusing to her as it did to me, distinguishing our natures in different categories; it seemed silly after everything that had happened today, we had never been more in sync — "can live together with humans for any length of time. We've only found one other family like ours, in a small village in Alaska. We lived together for a time, but there were so many of us that we became too noticeable. Those of us who live… differently tend to band together."

The Denali Clan; the period we had lived together hadn't been very successful. Especially for me. Tanya had continued to pursue me, over and over - ignoring my refusal to be her mate - and it had driven me insane. We fared better when she finally did seem to accept my rejection - albeit unwillingly but that unfortunately did not mean she did not sometimes continue to try.

The last time I was there - shortly after Bella had arrived in Forks and managed to turn my existence upside down completely - Tanya had tried to seduce me. But even then, when Bella was still a prey to me, there had been something inside me - a knowledge I had yet to accept - that had paled Tanya in comparison to the frail human occupying my thoughts at the time.

"And the others?" Bella asked

"Nomads, for the most part. We've all lived that way at times. It gets tedious, like anything else. But we run across the others now and then, because most of us prefer the North." I told her

"Why is that?" she pressed

_Well, sunny California is too conspicuous for a sparkly vampire. Not to mention, we don't tan well_, I mocked silently.

We had arrived at Bella's house and I turned off the engine. There was nothing but silence and darkness around us. The drive away was empty, so Charlie hadn't arrived home yet.

"Did you have your eyes open this afternoon?" I teased. "Do you think I could walk down the street in the sunlight without causing traffic accidents? There's a reason why we chose the Olympic Peninsula, one of the most sunless places in the world. It's nice to be able to go outside in the day. You wouldn't believe how tired you can get of night-time in eighty-odd years."

Tired. But _not_ sleepy. And going outside had huge privileges now. Because I could be with Bella both during the day as well as at night.

"So that's where the legends came from?" Bella mused

Those ridiculous legends. The preposterous myths. People did everything to be able to tell a good story; to draw attention to themselves by misinforming or scaring others.

"Probably.", I agreed.

"And Alice came from another family, like Jasper?" Bella asked

"No, and that _is _a mystery. Alice doesn't remember her human life at all. And she doesn't know who created her. She awoke alone. Whoever made her walked away, and none of us understand why, or how, he could. If she hadn't had that other sense, if she hadn't seen Jasper and Carlisle and known that she would someday become one of us, she probably would have turned into a total savage.", I said bitterly

My sister, despite being a small annoyance sometimes, was a sweet and caring being. She was left by herself to find her place in the crazy settings of the vampire world. It was cruel and it angered me to think about it.

A soft growling sound distracted me from the disgust I felt toward the person who had left my sister alone like that. It was almost like a purr which roared loud enough for me to hear. Bella had her own little monster inside, a harmless monster that needed to be fed.

"I'm sorry; I'm keeping you from dinner." I smiled apologetically.

"I'm fine, really." she assured me.

"I've never spent much time around anyone who eats food. I forget." I told her.

I'd better get used to all this. Bella was way too fragile to forget about these human trades. She needed food at regular times.

"I want to stay with you." she said quietly.

These kinds of words still made my non-beating heart dance to an invisible rhythm. I knew I'd better get used to them, but so far I did not. I could only hope i;d never have to.

And I wanted to stay with _her_. _More_ than anything.

"Can't I come in?" I asked.

"Would you like to?" Bella wondered in surprise.

Momentarily I contemplated if she still believed that she cared more for me than I did for her - I was starting to believe we were quite equal in that department, how else could I justify the fact she was still here and wanted to stay with me - the surprise in her voice at my suggestion giving her away but then I decided to assure her of my need - my longing- to stay with her as long as possible.

"Yes, if it's all right."

I did not give her a chance to answer as I fleeted from the truck and spun to her side too fast for her to see. I opened her door for her, as I wanted to court her the way she deserved to be courted.

It worked. "Very human," she complimented

"It's definitely resurfacing." I smiled.

And it was all of it. All these unfamiliar human trades rapidly became almost normal. Bella and her belief in me; her love for me made the transition from monster to man almost easy.

We walked to the door and I noticed Bella occasionally peek at me. As always _I_ was puzzled by what she could be thinking, but naturally her thoughts remained clouded and silent.

I reached the door before Bella could and opened it. Too late I realized the inappropriateness of doing this - too busy with wanting to court her - and naturally Bella immediately caught me.

"The door was unlocked?" she wondered.

"No, I used the key from under the eave." I told her honestly.

I remembered when Alice and I had to search for Bella's car keys and we had used this key to make our breaking and entering unnoticeable.

Bella stepped inside and flicked on the porch light before turning to me, eyebrows raised.

"I was curious about you." I explained

"You spied on me?" she asked. Her voice sounded less outraged than she'd probably been going for. I thought to recognize a hint of flattery in it and so I went with that.

After all how could she deny me wanting to look at her? Look after her. Night after night. Apart from being in her presence during her hours awake, watching her sleep was the best part of my existence. Surely she could not be so opposed to that...

"What else is there to do at night?" I told her.

She did not seem to press the issue further and made her way to the kitchen.

I was there before she walked in; yet again giving away I knew my way around her house far too well.

Bella gazed at me as I took a seat in one of the kitchen chairs. And all I could do was stare back. Still so equally dazzled.

Bella locked her eyes away from mine then, trying to silence the hungry monster inside. She took some food from the refrigerator and it smelled appalling. But I was not going to share the revulsion; instead I tried to determine the flavours I smelled, trying to familiarize myself with the ingredients, hoping to learn more about the preparation of human food.

Bella continued to watch the microwave when she finally spoke again.

"How often?" she asked casually.

I smelled hints of tomato and oregano coming from the microwave and although these scents truly did nothing for me, I still let their aroma fill my nostrils. I gave myself a mental note to start watching the Food Network. I needed to learn how to cook. Actual human food.

As I was occupying my thoughts with what kinds of food Bella would like - Italian seemed to be a favourite; she had eaten pizza at school and lasagna now - I got pulled from my train of thought by a question Bella asked.

"Hmmm?" I managed to say.

Bella still concentrated on the rotation of her food and didn't face me.

"How often did you come here?" she pressed

"I come here almost every night.", I told her

_Ok, every night, unless I desperately need to hunt. But even then, I always manage to catch of glimpse of you sleeping_, I thought

Bella turned to face me then and she seemed to be stunned

"Why?" she demanded, rather than asked.

"You're interesting when you sleep." I stated. And it was true. Sure, she was always interesting to me, but her dreams gave me insights I never got when she was awake. Well, at least _not_ easily.

"You talk," I clarified.

"No!" she gasped and instantly her entire face flushed bright red, indicating embarrassment and perhaps..._anger_...

Her unhappiness made me wary.

"Are you very angry with me?" I asked chagrined

"That depends!" she choked out

Silence again. Another immeasurable moment I'd give anything to have a peek into her mind. But as always, absolutely nothing.

"On?" I urged.

"What you heard!" she wailed.

So she was worried about what she had said. More embarrassment than anger, I concluded. I wanted to reassure her. Nothing she said would ever have to embarrass her, not as long as I was the one she told. Sleeping or awake, whatever she'd share with me; I'd never judge or make fun of her.

I went to her side and took her warm soft hands into mine, electricity immediately pulsing through my arms.

"Don't be upset!" I pleaded, gazing at her.

Shame was still present in her eyes as she tried to unlock them from mine. But her exuberantly drumming heart gave away the effect of my stare and I tried to take advantage of that, hoping it would make the feeling of embarrassment disappear.

"You miss your mother," I whispered. "You worry about her. And when it rains, the sound makes you restless. You used to talk about home a lot, but it's less often now. Once you said, 'It's too _green.'" _I smiled softly

"Anything else?" she demanded.

I knew what she was pressing for. She wanted to know if she had mentioned _me_ during those restless nights.

"You did say my name," I admitted.

She signed, defeated "A lot?" she asked.

_Almost every night that I have been in your room. And you have no idea how alive the sound of my name on your lips makes me feel...._

"How much do you mean by 'a lot,' exactly?" I asked

"Oh no!" she groaned

I failed to understand her embarrassment at this, but I supposed it had to do with that human self-consciousness.

Did she not realize though, how lucky she was? She could sleep, she could dream. I'd give anything to be able to do that.

I gently pulled her to my chest, her fragrance immediately swimming around me, burning my throat, clouding my mind. Her warmth was nothing short of spectacular.

"Don't be self-conscious," I murmured in her ear. "If I could dream at all, it would be about you. And I'm not ashamed of it."

And I wasn't. I'd want nothing more than to spend a few hours dreaming of Bella. Of course, being with her now felt like a dream. Holding her in my arms, breathing her in, knowing she was safe and more importantly that by some amazing miracle she was _mine_, that was a dream I never wanted to wake up from.

Unfortunately the dream ended abruptly as we heard the sound of tires and saw headlights shining though the windows. Bella stiffened in my arms.

Charlie was home.

This put a damper on the moment. I did not want to leave, not now.

_Not_ ever, but I wondered if Bella was ready to introduce me to Charlie as her...

_As her **what **exactly? _I mused. Boyfriend sounded accurate but it did not suffice completely.

"Should your father know I'm here?" I asked.

"I'm not sure…", Bella hesitated

Ok, that was clear. She did not want Charlie to know I was here. That kind of stung.

"Another time then…", I murmured as I made my way out of the kitchen before she could speak.

"Edward!" she hissed.

Her frustration at my sudden and rapid disappearance made me laugh and I was sure she could hear it. It was kind of her own fault for not introducing me to Charlie.

I made my way up to her room and looked around. I suddenly realized this was the first time I was in her room with Bella still awake. I wondered how she would feel when she found out I was here when she'd finally make it upstairs. Would it make her happy or would she be angry or embarrassed at the idea of me trespassing like this. Especially now that she knew I did this a lot.

Judging from the noises downstairs, Bella was definitely rushing through dinner and conversation with Charlie. Charlie sounded tired and Bella's voice had an edge to it. Like she was desperate to be alone. Or - I mused - eager to find out where I was.

I decided to lie down on her bed, surrounding myself with her wicked scent. I smelled her pillow and it was almost as if she was lying right next to me.

As I breathed in Bella's scent I drifted into glorious day dreams. I could not help but think about wanting to touch her again. Feel her soft silk skin against my lips. Letting the taste of her breath - purposely burn my nostrils and my throat. Everything to remain desensitized. I wanted to watch her sleep, but not from the rocking chair. I wanted to hold her in my arms while she slept. That way it would almost be like I was sleeping to.

Like I was dreaming _with_ her...

I snapped out of it to listen in on Bella and her father talking, something about plans, so I instantly paid attention.

"No plans tonight?" Charlie had asked Bella

"No, Dad, I just want to get some sleep." Bella told him

Was she really tired? It had been a long and eventful day. I wondered if maybe she would want me to leave after she found out I was hiding in her room...

"None of the boys in town your type, eh?" Charlie sounded watchful, suspicious, trying to sound nonchalant about this.

"No, none of the boys have caught my eye yet." Bella assured him.

_You sure caught theirs_, I chuckled

I was happy she did not see me as a boy. And I was quite alright with the distinction between the boys she knew and how she assessed me. Her Vampire Stalker Angel Boyfriend - something. There just did not seem to be a right title for it.

"I thought maybe that Mike Newton… you said he was friendly." Charlie wondered.

_Ugh..._

Had Charlie just mentioned Mike Newton....

I knew Bella only wanted me, but for some reason it irritated me immensely to hear Charlie speak Mike Newton's name instead of mine.

_Why_ him. Why would Charlie assume this was a guy Bella was interested in? Why did Bella not tell her father about _me_? I tried to see her way, but I could not help but wonder if she was ashamed of me in some way. And not necessarily the vampire aspect, but more so the fact I was - sort of - the guy she had been spending her time with and was very likely to continue to do so in the future. Could Bella be ashamed of having a boyfriend?

"_He's just _a friend, Dad." Bella emphasized

I mused what she would say if Charlie would ever ask her about me.

_He's just a vampire_, would probably not go down well.

"Well, you're too good for them all, anyway. Wait till you get to college to start looking." Charlie warned her

"Sounds like a good idea to me," Bella agreed.

Then I could hear her footsteps make way to the stairs.

"Night, honey," Charlie called after her.

"See you in the morning, Dad."

As I followed her footsteps pound up the stairs - each step bringing her back to me - I felt a strange high. The same high I felt whenever I saw her again in the morning, after not being able to talk to her for hours.

Minutes without Bella felt like small lifetimes, I realized.

She then burst into her room, shutting her door behind her loudly. She went to the window immediately and opened it.

I knew what she was doing and her action amused me.

Bella gazed outside, probably hoping to find me there.

Well... all she had to do was turn around.

"Edward?" she whispered almost frantically

I could not help but laugh quietly as I replied

"Yes?"

Bella spun around, one hand at her throat. Clearly my presence surprised her because her heart went staggering, thudding an uneven booming rhythm.

"Oh!" she breathed, balancing on her legs unsteadily.

_She is not going to faint, is she? _I worried momentarily. Despite this, I could not help but smirk.

"I'm sorry." I said, trying to hide my amusement at the effect I had on her.

"Just give me a minute to restart my heart." she said faintly

I sat up, leaned forward and picked her up by the tops of her arms and sat her down next to me on her bed.

"Why don't you sit with me," I suggested, taking her hand and rubbing it gently.

"How's the heart?" I mused

"You tell me — I'm sure you hear it better than I do.", Bella retorted

This made me laugh again.

We sat there until Bella's heart slowed down, drumming at a normal pace.

"Can I have a minute to be human?" she asked.

"Certainly." I gestured with my hand that she should proceed with her normal bed time routine.

"Stay," she said, trying to sound strict.

_As if I'd ever leave..._

"Yes, ma'Am.", I replied and sat there on the edge of her bed, completely motionless.

Bella grabbed her pyjamas off the floor and her bag of toiletries from her desk. She quietly slipped out of the room.

In the dark and in my motionless state I concentrated on the noises I heard. Charlie was watching television; checking the scores on the latest football games, I could tell.

Personally I had never been a huge fan of sports, especially not the televised games. It had to do with patience; athletes ran as fast as they could - as fast as humanly possible - but for a vampire that was still far too slow to be truly interested.

In our family, it was especially Emmett who enjoyed ESPN and other sports channels, but I suspected that had more to do with the fact it amused him to see all the foul-play and bad commentaries than with the actual games.

I did enjoy playing sports occasionally, but I'd never brand myself the athletic type of vampire. That credit also went to my bulky brother.

The reason I felt the sudden need to focus on sports, was a simple one.

It was a _distraction_.

In the Swan house there were two overruling sounds. One was the sound of the TV downstairs, telling me Seattle beat San Francisco by five to two. I did not catch the rest of what the announcer said, nor did I care. I had tried to focus on the TV but I failed immediately as I let my thoughts wonder.

Then there was a far more prominent - a very alluring - sound I heard and tried to block out. The sound of water running.

_The shower._

Now, I was a confessed stalker. I had watched Bella sleep. More than once had her pyjamas been dishevelled; revealing certain body parts, like her stomach, belly button and sometimes even a bra-strap. I had always tried to cover Bella up as much as my cold hands would allow it without waking her up.

Did those sightings have an effect on me? I'd lie if I said they hadn't. They had never helped with avoiding certain temptations or fantasies. But I was a gentleman. I'd never do anything against Bella's wishes.

Of course, I _could _never do anything. Even with the monster gone, I was still far too strong to physically be with Bella.

I desperately tried to avoid listening to the water but it was a lost cause. I could hear it drip on the floor, rushing down the drain. I could almost feel the damp spreading itself through the bathroom, the moist of it clouding up the mirror. Heating the entire space.

And somewhere amidst that damp stood Bella.

Uncovered.

Bare.

_Naked._

The water from the showerhead washing down her body, tracing her every curve, warming her skin to a soft appealing pink.

Thinking of this made me feel extremely overwhelmed with new emotions, fresh yearnings.

I did not want to be the type of man to have lust-filled fantasies about women. That was disrespectful and inappropriate. Not to mention juvenile and so very human.

And I was _not that_ human.

I could hold Bella, possessing the greatest of constraint to be careful with her. I had even managed to kiss Bella and although she hadn't made it easy, I had remained in control.

But to even allow myself to think about letting our bodies melt together, _to make love, _that was insane and extremely dangerous. The passion alone - and I knew somehow there would be a passion, a desire so desperate to come out and be fulfilled - would be uncontrollable for me and deadly to her. It just had to be.

And thinking about it, did not help with putting the luscious thoughts in my mind to a halt. It felt very wrong to be thinking about this with both Bella as well as her father close by.

_Charlie would murder me_, I knew. Well, once he found out how to kill a vampire...

Suddenly, the flow of water stopped and I knew Bella was done. I heard her fidgeting in the bathroom for awhile - and I carefully tried to re-focus on the TV downstairs again, because I did not want to think about Bella towelling herself dry - when eventually the door of the bath room opened and Bella practically ran down the stairs.

"'Night, Dad." she said.

"'Night, Bella."

She dashed up the stairs again and within seconds she was there, with me in her room.

She looked at me - perhaps amused by the fact I had not moved an inch - and smiled.

For a moment I was in a state between complete 'awe' and very much overcome again. Damp haired, tattery shirt wearing Bella was a goddess in my eyes. Her hair, albeit brushed still looked a bit tangled and wild, framing her face beautifully. Her pale complexion looked flushed now, her full red lips a burning scarlet. Her scent was even more present and thick because of the water that had been absorbed by her skin. The evaporation of it, made her smell all the more appealing.

"Nice.", I appraised.

And it was. _So very nice._

Bella grimaced, seemingly self conscious again.

"No, it looks good on you." I assured her.

And it really did. I didn't care about what ridiculous standards humans had set for themselves and whether or not my kind was more appealing to them than their own. Bella was the most beautiful creature in the entire existence of anything. And even that didn't do her enough justice.

"Thanks," she whispered as she joined me on the edge of the bed, sitting next to me cross-legged.

"What was all that for?" I asked referring to her little run downstairs. Had she not wished Charlie a goodnight earlier...

"Charlie thinks I'm sneaking out." Bella explained.

"Oh." Did he? I mused.... "Why?" I wondered

"Apparently, I look a little overexcited." Bella told me.

I lifted her chin and stared at her face to see if Charlie was right. Her cheeks still looked flushed and her skin smouldered under my touch.

"You look very warm, actually." I told her.

The warmth coming off her skin was too enticing; too tempting. I could try to be strong enough to push certain inappropriate fantasies down, but the longing to simply touch her was one I did not want to fight.

So I slowly bent my face to lay against her cheek, so eager to feel her skin against mine. The moment we touched, I felt a painless sting of electricity running through me, easily making its way to my inner core, calling my longings to assembly.

"Mmmmmm…" I breathed.

"It seems to be… much easier for you, now, to be close to me," Bella mused.

She was breathing heavier than usual and her heart beat a staggering uneven rhythm.

"Does it seem that way to you?" I murmured as I let my nose move to the corner of her jaw, while my hand brushed through her damp hair, stroking it back so my lips could touch the hollow beneath her ear.

"Much, much easier," she said, trying to exhale.

I could barely answer her; I was far too preoccupied with feeding my longing on the one hand and controlling myself on the other. So far, the longing had my main focus.

"Hmm.", I murmured, as I let my fingers trace her delicious collarbone. Every touch between her skin and my fingers brought forth a powerful voltage that seemed to affect us both.

This was so much more than the electricity that has pulsed between us during the recent Biology lessons.

_So much more_.

"So I was wondering…" Bella began...unable to finish her sentence, as much distracted by the energy between us as I was.

"Yes?" I breathed, trying to focus on what she was saying.

"Why is that," she wondered, her voice slightly trembling, "do you think?"

I could not help but laugh as I breathed in and out her scent, my cold breath on her neck.

"Mind over matter." I told her.

Instantly, Bella pulled back. This was so unexpected it caused me to freeze where I sat, holding my breath in defence.

What did I do? Had she finally had enough? Had my skin become repelling to her after all?

I stared at Bella in caution, trying to find the reason behind her sudden retreat. She glanced at me but her eyes gave me no insight.

I tried to relax a little - knowing my worries about Bella's reactions were usually entirely off the mark - and wondered what just had happened.

"Did I do something wrong?" I asked

"No — the opposite. You're driving me crazy," Bella explained.

I drove her crazy? That was interesting. Crazy how exactly...

Then I realized....I drove her crazy because she could barely focus when I touched her. I understood the feeling, since it was quite mutual. But what hit me the most - and gave me a strange triumphant feeling - was the idea that my skin really did not repel Bella.

It actually _aroused_ her.

"Would you like a round of applause?" she retorted sarcastically.

I could not help but grin at her .

"I'm just pleasantly surprised," I clarified teasingly. "In the last hundred years or so, I never imagined anything like this. I didn't believe I would ever find someone I wanted to be with… in another way than my brothers and sisters. And then to find, even though it's all new to me, that I'm good at it… at being with you…"

"You're good at everything," she pointed out.

I had no response to that. It was natural to use my strength and be good at physical activities that involved sports and fighting my prey or occasionally my brothers. But to be good at loving someone, both emotionally as well as physically, well that was far more important than being able to break a thick branch with your bare hands.

"But how can it be so easy now?" Bella pressed. "This afternoon…"

Easy? It wasn't. It was different. Like walking into cold water for the first time. You want to pull back, but once you get adjusted, the water - while still cold - feels bearable. Until you get out again. Then the water will return to being just as cold as it was the first time you felt it.

That's kind of how it felt being with Bella. It wasn't as hard anymore. Being around her the entire day meant her scent - still strong and appealing - was tolerable. I could handle the burn, because I had adjusted to it. Like walking into the cold water; eventually you adjusted to the temperature of it.

"It's not _easy_," I told her. "But this afternoon, I was still… undecided. I am sorry about that; it was unforgivable for me to behave so."

"Not unforgivable," Bella disagreed.

"Thank you." I smiled. "You see," I continued, unable to look at her, "I wasn't sure if I was strong enough…" I picked up one of her hands and pressed it lightly to my face. "And while there was still that possibility that I might be… overcome" — I breathed in the scent at her wrist — "I was… susceptible. Until I made up my mind that I _was _strong enough, that there was no possibility at all that I would… that I ever could…"

I remembered this afternoon. And I remembered all the days before this afternoon. I felt ashamed. Because so many days before today I thought I was in control. I had even thought that Alice's vision of the meadow would never come to pass. But it almost had. And I felt ashamed and weak to admit to myself that I hadn't been as sure of not harming Bella as I had believed myself to be and how this afternoon had been proof of that. It almost made all the days before today seem like flukes. Like I had just been really lucky that I had not lost control before this afternoon.

"So there's no possibility now?"

I considered this for a small second. Was there still a possibility the monster would come back? I preferred to believe I was strong enough now, because it truly felt that way. But I wasn't sure if I would not become overwhelmed if I'd ever get into contact with Bella's blood, like Rosalie had with Emmett's.

But since I'd try to never let that happen, I was fairly sure the monster was gone for good.

"Mind over matter," I repeated, smiling.

"Wow, that was easy," Bella said.

I laughed, quietly but exuberantly at this, because it sounded so...relieved. So human.

"Easy for _you_!" I amended, touching her nose with my fingertip.

"I'm trying," I whispered, - even I could hear the agony in my own voice - "If it gets to be… too much, I'm fairly sure I'll be able to leave."

If the monster would ever decide to come back, I'd defy his hungers and run from Bella. Even if it meant I'd have to silence the monster with someone else's blood - actual human blood - as long as Bella was safe, it did not matter what else I did to protect her from him. From _myself..._

Of course the monster would never be allowed to take control over me. I fought him and won. Still, that did not mean I could afford to become careless. Her blood was still potent. Any touch that would not be measured first would be a touch too strong, too much to bear for me. Too dangerous for Bella.

Bella frowned at the idea of me leaving.

"And it will be harder tomorrow," I explained to her "I've had the scent of you in my head all day, and I've grown amazingly desensitized. If I'm away from you for any length of time, I'll have to start over again. Not quite from scratch, though, I think."

It _was_ like the cold water, albeit a silly analogy. If I got out now, the water would be cold again tomorrow when I'd have to dive in all over again. Embracing the ice cold; freezing my limbs before my body would adjust to it. Leaving Bella now, would mean I'd have to start desensitizing again tomorrow and that would not be easy.

"Don't go away, then," Bella responded. I could hear the longing in her voice and it pleased me. She really did not want me to leave. And I _really did not _want to go.

"That suits me," I replied, gently smiling. "Bring on the shackles — I'm your prisoner."

"You seem more… optimistic than usual," Bella observed. "I haven't seen you like this before."

Right, she had once wondered if I had a multiple personality disorder. I supposed I had never acted this erratic around her before. Well, it was her doing; she made me happy.

"Isn't it supposed to be like this?" I mused. "The glory of first love, and all that. It's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?"

"Very different," Bella agreed. "More forceful than I'd imagined."

"For example the emotion of jealousy. I've read about it a hundred thousand times, seen actors portray it in a thousand different plays and movies. I believed I understood that one pretty clearly. But it shocked me…"

I grimaced. "Do you remember the day that Mike asked you to the dance?"

I sure had. More than once the desire to physically hurt him had crossed my mind. More than once I had feared, Bella would tell him _yes_.

Bella nodded; "The day you started talking to me again." she reminded me.

"I was surprised by the flare of resentment, almost fury, that I felt — I didn't recognize what it was at first. I was even more aggravated than usual that I couldn't know what you were thinking, why you refused him. Was it simply for your friend's sake? Was there someone else? I knew I had no right to care either way. I _tried _not to care.

My attempts at not caring had failed completely. Alice had been right all along. I had never been strong enough to _not_ care, to stay away. I'd been completely captivated by Bella Swan from the beginning.

"And then the line started forming," I chuckled. I saw Bella scowling in the darkness. She did not enjoy remembering that.

"I waited, unreasonably anxious to hear what you would say to them, to watch your expressions. I couldn't deny the relief I felt, watching the annoyance on your face. But I couldn't be sure."

"That was the first night I came here. I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was _right_, moral, ethical, and what I _wanted_. I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry."

_Angry enough to want to kill each and every one of them, possessive as I already was of you_ _back then, _I thought wryly. So much for jealousy.

"And then," I whispered, "as you were sleeping, you said my name. You spoke so clearly, at first I thought you'd woken. But you rolled over restlessly and mumbled my name once more, and sighed. The feeling that coursed through me then was unnerving, staggering. And I knew I couldn't ignore you any longer." I was silent for a moment listening to the suddenly uneven pounding of Bella's heart.

That night, _that beautiful night_. It was the first night the sun had truly shone for me. The blackness my nights had contained for so long had been replaced with the brightest of light that had continued to shine ever since then.

"But jealousy… it's a strange thing. So much more powerful than I would have thought. And irrational! Just now, when Charlie asked you about that vile Mike Newton…" I shook my head angrily.

The thought of thinking about Mike Newton and all the disgusting things he had thought about doing with my _love, _infuriated me internally all over again.

"I should have known you'd be listening," Bella groaned.

"Of course." I smiled

"_That _made you feel jealous, though, really?" Bella wondered

"I'm new at this; you're resurrecting the human in me, and everything feels stronger because it's fresh." I explained

Not to mention the fact, I had wanted to be the one Charlie was talking about.

"But honestly," She teased, "for that to bother you, after I have to hear that Rosalie — Rosalie, the incarnation of pure beauty, _Rosalie _— was meant for you. Emmett or no Emmett, how can I compete with that?"

"There's no competition." I assured Bella as I drew her hands around my back, pulling her into my chest.

Rosalie - certainly beautiful - had nothing on Bella. Absolutely nothing. No blood to entice me, no silent thoughts to intrigue me, no beauty to leave me breathless and no passion to keep me longing for her.

"I _know _there's no competition," Bella mumbled to my chest. "That's the problem."

"Of course Rosalie _is _beautiful in her way, but even if she wasn't like a sister to me, even if Emmett didn't belong with her, she could never have one tenth, no, one hundredth of the attraction you hold for me.

"For almost ninety years I've walked among my kind and yours… all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren't alive yet."

_Never_ could I have understood the love I now longed for every second because I had never searched for it. And now I knew why I hadn't. There had been no point in searching for something that couldn't be found until the day Bella Swan was born.

"It hardly seems fair," Bella whispered, her face still resting on my chest

"I haven't had to wait at all. Why should I get off so easily?", Bella mused

"You're right," I agreed with amusement. "I should make this harder for you, definitely."

I stroked Bella's wet hair softly as I held her.

"You only have to risk your life every second you spend with me, that's surely not much. You only have to turn your back on nature, on humanity… what's that worth?"

"Very little — I don't feel deprived of anything." she said

"Not yet." I told her, as sadness washed over me.

There was so much, _so very much _Bella would miss out on if she stayed with me. Today was the first official day of our love; we were only at the beginning. It was all so new. But as time went on, things would change; they wouldn't be so new anymore. Bella would realize how much she'd be deprived of. And then, eventually; she'd walk away. How could she not. It made sense if she did. Of course, I shuddered at the idea.

While I was trying to concentrate on the here and now, I heard a noise, the vaguest hint of a stream of thoughts coming our way and I knew it wasn't Bella.

_Charlie._

I became alert immediately and released Bella's wrists from my hand, only to make my way out of sight.

My rapid movement caused confusion with Bella.

"Lie down!" I hissed.

Bella instantly moved under her quilt, pretending to be asleep.

Then Charlie came in, presumably checking to see if his daughter had not snuck out. Bella tried to breathe evenly, exaggerating the movement. It would probably fool Charlie but it did not fool me.

After exactly sixty seconds Charlie left.

A second later I was on the bed, under the quilt with my arm around Bella. "You are a terrible actress — I'd say that career path is out for you." I murmured softly in her ear.

The surprise of my return had its effect on Bella's heart which started pounding loudly. "Darn it," Bella muttered, as a reaction

I started to hum the composition - the lullaby inspired by Bella - in her ear.

"Should I sing you to sleep?" I asked

"Right," she laughed. "Like I could sleep with you here!"

"You do it all the time," I reminded her.

"But I didn't _know _you were here," she replied icily.

"So if you don't want to sleep…" I suggested...

For a moment Bella's breath caught. Why was that? Had I said something wrong? Was she afraid? Her reactions, either verbal or psychical continued to surprise me.

"If I don't want to sleep…?" Bella trailed off

Wait, did she think....?

_No_, she couldn't. Certainly she could not be thinking about...the sort of psychical activity that I had just prohibited myself from earlier, when I had unashamedly thought of Bella in the shower.

I could not help but smile at the idea that we were both so new to this.

"What do you want to do then?" I asked her.

She remained silent, perhaps debating on what it was she wanted to do.

"I'm not sure," She finally said.

"Tell me when you decide." I told her as I took a deep breath, inhaling as much of Bella's scent as possible. My nostrils flared, burning - and longing - ever so strongly.

Of course Bella felt this. "I thought you were desensitized." she wondered.

"Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet," I whispered. "You have a very floral smell, like lavender… or freesia," I noted. "It's mouth-watering."

"Yeah, it's an off day when I don't get _somebody _telling me how edible I smell." Bella retorted.

I chuckled at this, only to suppress a sigh. Surely it was comical now to hear Bella joke about the dangerous appeal she had to me but a few hours ago, it was not so laughable.

"I've decided what I want to do," she told me. "I want to hear more about you."

"Ask me anything." I told her.

"Why do you do it?" she wondered "I still don't understand how you can work so hard to resist what you… _are_. Please don't misunderstand; of course I'm glad that you do. I just don't see why you would bother in the first place."

How to answer that. It seemed obvious why. I didn't want to be a monster. But Bella was genuinely curious about why we fought to suppress our nature. Like she'd accept it and not condemn us if we'd be nomads, if we'd kill humans. Knowing Bella, it would not surprise me if she would be _that_ tolerant.

"That's a good question, and you are not the first one to ask it. The others— the majority of our kind who are quite content with our lot — they, too, wonder at how we live. But you see, just because we've been… dealt a certain hand… it doesn't mean that we can't choose to rise above — to conquer the boundaries of a destiny that none of us wanted. To try to retain whatever essential humanity we can.", I explained

And it was true. It was all about that. Carlisle's most important philosophy. The only way to make the rest of our existence worth something less beastly and more meaningful was to try and retain as much humanity as we possible could. It was certainly not very easy, but it felt like the right thing to do. And now that I had Bella I was happy I did. Otherwise there would be no way for us to be together and it was already hard enough as it was, so thankfully there was that well fought and contained humanity to make the gap between Bella's nature and my own somewhat smaller.

A little more _compatible._

"Did you fall asleep?" I whispered after a few minutes of no response from Bella.

"No.", she replied softly.

"Is that all you were curious about?" I asked her, knowing she would have a lot more questions.

"Not quite." she said.

_Of course not. _Like Bella Swan would ever _not_ be curious or fascinated by something regarding my nature.

"What else do you want to know?" I wondered

"Why can you read minds — why only you? And Alice, seeing the future… why does that happen?" she mused

I shrugged; "We don't really know. Carlisle has a theory… he believes that we all bring something of our strongest human traits with us into the next life, where they are intensified — like our minds, and our senses. He thinks that I must have already been very sensitive to the thoughts of those around me. And that Alice had some precognition, wherever she was."

"What did he bring into the next life, and the others?" Bella asked

"Carlisle brought his compassion. Esme brought her ability to love passionately. Emmett brought his strength, Rosalie her… tenacity. Or you could call it pigheadedness." I chuckled at the description of my sister, because it was so very true.

"Jasper is very interesting. He was quite charismatic in his first life, able to influence those around him to see things his way. Now he is able to manipulate the emotions of those around him — calm down a room of angry people, for example, or excite a lethargic crowd, conversely. It's a very subtle gift." I continued.

I had always admired Jasper and his gift. It wasn't a gift I wanted so much myself, but Jasper's stance commanded great respect. I knew he felt weak now, because he hadn't found a permanent way to control his bloodlust but that did not affect my opinion on him. And he loved Alice immensely, something I felt thankful for as well. My sister deserved that and loved him back just as strongly. The two of them were pure and right together and their love was not as shallow or open as Rosalie and Emmett's.

"So where did it all start? I mean, Carlisle changed you, and then someone must have changed him, and so on…", Bella wondered

"Well, where did you come from? Evolution? Creation? Couldn't we have evolved in the same way as other species, predator and prey? Or, if you don't believe that all this world could have just happened on its own, which is hard for me to accept myself, is it so hard to believe that the same force that created the delicate angelfish with the shark, the baby seal and the killer whale, could create both our kinds together?", I mused

Creation. A powerful thing. Whatever or whoever had created humans - religions and Gods unnerved me, because as an immortal I had a hard time believing a God could put people through the suffering of eternal life - had also created our kind at some point. An odd idea that one could fall on side; human or inhumane. I had often wondered what it could have been that I had done wrong, immortality feeling like some form of atonement for a sin I did not know I had committed. Lately I had felt the opposite. Like fighting my nature, fighting the bloodlust had gotten me the biggest reward known to men: love.

"Let me get this straight — I'm the baby seal, right?" Bella guessed

"Right." I laughed, softly pressing my smiling lips on her hair, the texture of it heating my lips.

"Are you ready to sleep?" I finally asked. "Or do you have any more questions?"

"Only a million or two." she told me.

"We have tomorrow, and the next day, and the next…" I reminded her.

And we did. Today was truly just the beginning. Now we'd have the time to get to know each other. The future did not matter right now. Even if I'd eventually lose Bella, than I'd still have all the moments before that.

"Are you sure you won't vanish in the morning", Bella pressed, "You are mythical, after all."

"I won't leave you." I promised her.

_Not until you want me to. And even then I'm not sure if I can_...I mused

"One more, then, tonight," she said

While I waited for her question I could feel a sudden heat coming off her skin. Was she blushing? If so, it must be _some_ question...

Of course now I was curious...

"What is it?" I urged

"No, forget it. I changed my mind." Bella said quietly

"Bella, you can ask me anything." I assured her

But she didn't. As always she remained silent too long for me to remain patient.

"I keep thinking it will get less frustrating, not hearing your thoughts. But it just gets worse and _worse_." I groaned

"I'm glad you can't read my thoughts. It's bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleep-talking.", she retorted

"Please?" I pleaded persuasively

Bella shook her head in the dark.

"If you don't tell me, I'll just assume it's something much worse than it is," I warned her. "Please?" I pleaded once more

It worked.

"Well," she began...

"Yes?"

"You said that Rosalie and Emmett will get married soon… Is that… marriage… the same as it is for humans?" she wondered

Oh, _that_ was her question. This night certainly had both our minds lost in similar thoughts. Was the longing really as big for her as it as for me? Was she really wondering if vampires could make love too? If she did, and her question strongly hinted at that, than surely she did not ask because of Emmett and Rosalie. She wondered because of _us_...

"Is _that _what you're getting at?" I assessed

"Yes, I suppose it is much the same," I said. "I told you, most of those human desires are there, just hidden behind more powerful desires."

I had never spoken much to my brother about it, mainly because there was such a thing as 'need to know'- basis and this was something about Emmett and Rosalie I really did not need to know; their _sex_-life. It was worse enough as it was that they'd manage to still be very openly in love sometimes. Of course, yet again I had to admit that being with Bella made me understand them better. And from what I did know about the physical relationships between vampires, it was relatively the same as the physical love humans shared, except much much stronger. Too strong for a human and a vampire to express and share. The human would surely not live through it.

"Oh," was all she said

"Was there a purpose behind your curiosity?" I asked

"Well, I did wonder… about you and me… someday…" she explained

I instantly froze. For some reason it felt strange to be so close to Bella now, knowing she _was_ thinking about the same kinds of longings I was. She held still too, like she also tried _not_ to play into the hands of temptation much like I did.

I was amazed she had even thought of it. It was natural, of course. We were together now and people who were a couple, eventually made love. But, that did not seem to be something we could ever do. Another thing I'd deprive her of....

"I don't think that… that… would be possible for us," I told her honestly.

"Because it would be too hard for you, if I were that… close?" she asked

"That's certainly a problem. But that's not what I was thinking of. It's just that you are so soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment that we're together so that I don't hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by accident." I murmured.

I rested my palm against her cheek, letting it warm there.

"If I was too hasty… if for one second I wasn't paying enough attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake. You don't realize how incredibly _breakable _you are. I can never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I'm with you." I explained.

That was the key to staying with Bella. _Never_ lose control. But thinking and talking about these subjects did not help with that much.

"Are you scared?" I asked, after Bella remained silent.

"No. I'm fine." she assured me

Since we were on the subject, I suddenly felt compelled to ask Bella about her previous relations, although I knew there hadn't been anything serious, nothing like what we had.

"I'm curious now, though," I said, trying to change the subject to something lighter, more human. "Have _you _ever…?" I said suggestively

"Of course not." Bella replied quickly, the heat coming off her skin gave away the fact she blushed at her own answer. "I told you I've never felt like this about anyone before, not even close." she said

"I know. It's just that I know other people's thoughts. I know love and lust don't always keep the same company." I told her

Like for instance Jessica Stanley and Mike Newton. They associated love and lust like the two were interchangeable. I shuddered at the idea of Jessica's absurd fantasies about her and myself and Mike's thoughts about Bella continued to aggravate me.

"They do for me. Now, anyway, that they exist for me at all," Bella sighed.

"That's nice. We have that one thing in common, at least." I concluded

Bella was a virgin, of course.

"Your human instincts…" Bella wondered, "Well, do you find me attractive, in _that _way, at all?"

_Well, I confess to have let my mind wonder when you were in the shower earlier. I sometimes look down your curvaceous body and wish to do wicked things with you. Things I cannot do. Things I should not allow myself to think about. And not just because it could kill you very easily but also because I would not know where or how to begin, _I thought shyly.

"I may not be a human, but I am a man," I assured her, too reluctant to answer her beyond that. I wished I could have told her a wholehearted yes. Because of course I was so very attracted to Bella. But I could not allow myself to go there, I just could _not_.

Bella yawned then and I knew it was time to let her go to give into another human trade: sleep.

"I've answered your questions, now you should sleep," I insisted.

"I'm not sure if I can.", she said

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked her

_Please say no, because I do not want to go._

"No!" she said too loudly.

I laughed and put my arm tightly around her. I started to hum her lullaby and after a short while I felt her body relax in my arms and her breathing come in a steady rhythm.

Out of all the nights I had been here, this one had to be the best. And how many times today had I believed to be in heaven? Well, right now, holding her in my arms - keeping her safe - something I would not have believed to be doing this morning - I assessed this was yet another level of heaven I had reached.

So I refused to let my thoughts wander to my worries for the future, because Bella was here with me now. She hadn't run from me today. I hadn't scared her enough for her to stay away. There were no more secrets about my nature between us. And most importantly: she wanted me as much as I wanted her.

It did not matter what Alice had seen, because I knew better now. It would probably take me all the control I had, but I'd make it work. For as long as Bella wanted me in her life - and _alive_ she'd remain - I'd be there. Every single day.

Because she was _my life_. She filled my entire existence. She was everything.

And I knew I meant a lot to her too, she had shown that today by being _so_ accepting. That acceptance in itself was a strong enough feeling for me.

And that would be enough. Bella's acceptance of my nature was plenty. More than I had anticipated on. Perhaps more than I deserved. More than I had ever found to be possible, when I first came here in her room. Until she had spoken my name that night, I had never felt very worthy. But ever since then - only a few short weeks ago - I felt more deserving.

_Accepted._

"Edward, I love you", Bella murmured in her sleep, a faint smile on her lips.

Her words left me stunned. Just like every time she spoke my name, I drifted into this pool of happiness I could barely explain. Plenty of people had spoken my name throughout the years and sometimes merely in their thoughts instead of out loud. But no one had ever made my name sound the way it sounded when Bella spoke it. So much love wrapped around it. More and more I started to believe it was perhaps possible that this amazing, fragile human girl loved me as much as I loved her. Her words attested to that.

_I love you; _those words left a glorious echo I'd be hearing for decades, perhaps centuries even. Because no one had ever said them to me before, not in this life time at least. And it sounded so beautiful, coming from Bella.

So true.

So permanent, set in stone.

My nature was one fitting in with nightmares. Vampire tales were tales of horror.

Even to my family and me - self proclaimed vegetarians who did not hunt humans - our nature wasn't a pure and kind one. We got by and knew how to interact with humans - always careful not to scare them - when we had to. Frankly Carlisle and Esme seemed to be the best at this, my siblings and I shied away from humans more than our parents did. Until of course one of us had to fall in love with a human. And I was glad that one was me.

Purgatory no longer, my existence finally made sense.

Every thing I had ever been taught, every thing I'd learned, every act of humanity I had committed to keep up the facade had led me here.

For once I blessed the fact I was immortal.

Because it brought me Bella; a gift greater than any kind of punishment.

"Bella, I love you too", I softly whispered, pressing my lips to her hair.

Her warmth smouldered my lips and burned my throat, reaching inside me, to aim for my silent heart.

I closed my eyes.

As I lay there, Bella safely in my cold arms, her warmth affecting my heart as if it had a simulating beat, I lost track of time and place.

It almost felt like I was drifting off into a long awaited sleep.

I knew this wasn't really possible.

Still, for the moment it felt like I was dreaming too....

* * *

**Long, long chapter again. Will Edward ever learn :P Will I? ;)**

**Thanks once again for all the positive reviews. I am glad people enjoyed the meadow chapters and that I won't be attacked by an angry Twilight mob any time soon. **

**And no, I am NOT Stephenie Meyer. But I do hope I am doing her story a bit of justice :) especially Edward's POV. As much as I love Twilight, his character has not been done enough justice at times. And with Midnight Sun (and hopefully my story as well) it feels like he gets to explain his side of the story in a way that makes his character (even) better.**

**As for this chapter: **

**For those who are not familiar with or interested in "Love is a Many Splendored Thing", I suggest google etc.**

**Why that song? Well, it's a fifties song and it fits. And it's kind of "Edwardy" ;)**

**As for naughty Edward, thinking of Bella in the shower...**

**From Bella's POV; she is calming herself in the shower, having a hard time thinking about Edward in her room. I believe Edward sitting in her room - motionless and all - is still letting his thoughts wander a bit. Like we wouldn't love him to ;)**

**Next up: Cullen time!!**


	10. The Cullens

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and Midnight Sun, its dialogues, the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2008 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**CHAPTER 7: THE CULLENS**

The dawn began to break. Most of my night had been spend holding Bella in my arms, while she slept and dreamt and I mused on her subconscious confession of love. Through the covers - protecting her from my ice cold temperature - I could feel her warmth radiating my bones.

I was acting out of pure selfishness by stalking Bella in her sleep like this. I should have simply let her get some rest by sitting in the rocking chair, instead of holding her like this. I did not know much about the sleeping habits of humans - and I could not remember my own - but I could imagine humans wanted some freedom in their sleeping positions. And here I was, holding Bella in my iron grip. She didn't seem to mind, because aside from mumbling my name and her declaration of love, she slept in peace.

Still, I wanted to berate myself and pull away but there was so much to take in, especially compared to a few months ago. I couldn't believe how it had ever been possible or even bearable to live without this warmth. Without this _love_. How could I have ever rejected it so fiercely? To have mocked it even.

I lightly traced her lips with my fingers, letting her even breath blaze on them and make them tingle. Every touch of her skin would continue to electrify me, pulsing through me like a resurrected heartbeat.

Eventually I had to pull myself away and leave Bella for a little bit. I did not want to go, but I felt a strong urge to inform my family on the outcome of Bella's fate. I knew Alice had probably already seen this and shared it with them, but I still wanted to check in. Plus, fresh clothes seemed like a smart idea too.

I arrived home, just before the sky started to colour a soft orange on the far eastern horizon. I found Carlisle watching a repeat of the news, while Esme was rearranging some flowers. I heard rummaging in the kitchen and by the hint of thoughts - I wasn't paying enough attention to listen in properly - I knew it had to be Alice.

Esme immediately came to my side and hugged me tightly.

_Look at him glowing. Love does him good. _

I supposed I was glowing. Once more I realized what a transformation had taken place. Most of it in one single day. I had left my house as a vampire with a rampaging monster inside and returned as a man. Well, almost. Enough, at least.

"Edward, you are home..." Carlisle said pleasantly, "How is...Bella?" he asked, a small smile playing on his lips.

"Like Alice has not already informed you," I teased.

"Well, she told us Bella was safe. But....." Carlisle hesitated, his smile fading.

"But, what?", I wondered.

"You know what it means; the rest is solidifying further...." Alice told me, as she came through the kitchen door.

_Bella will be one of us. A new sister_, Alice silently beamed

Once again, my sister's mind played me the image of a hugging Bella and Alice. Both pale white. No blush on Bella's cheeks. Eyes that were crimson red. A vision of doom. How could Alice even want that? Did she really wish her vision to be true and force this horror upon Bella? No matter if my sister believed in the things that were perhaps set in stone, would she really want that life for her supposed friend?

It did not matter much because I was getting extremely impatient with this vision. I would allow Alice to befriend Bella to a certain extent, but there wouldn't be a new sister. Bella was human and she would remain that way. No matter what Alice saw happening in the future. This would be my new challenge; instead of fighting the monster, I'd defy this vision of an immortal Bella.

I gritted my teeth and bit back a growl. "NO! How many times do I have to say it; Bella will NOT become one of us!"

"Edward, there were two ways in my vision. You did not kill her at the meadow - by the way, I am really glad you didn't - and I no longer see you killing her. The bloodlust is barely present, is it?" Alice asked. "I'm sure it's been replaced by other lusts though..." she giggled

"Just because I won't kill her" - I cringed at saying those words - "does not mean that the alternative of Bella becoming a _vam_... - _one_ of us will come to pass.", I told Alice angrily, "There are other ways..."

"Like what? Keeping her alive for the next seventy years?" Alice mocked

"That's exactly what I am going to do", I assured her wryly

"Good luck with that. " Alice said sarcastically, "But don't forget you're not alone in this decision..."

"_I am_. Bella will stay human, end of discussion," I said angrily.

"Don't be redundant, Edward. Bella staying human is far more difficult and dangerous than Bella becoming one of us. Plus, have you ever wondered what Bella would want, if she knew about the vision", Alice mused

"But she doesn't and she never will, do you hear me! It doesn't matter anyway because Bella would never want to become a monster!" I snapped.

The truth was I was not completely certain about this. Bella's accepting nature could mean she would not actually be totally averse to becoming one of us if the opportunity was presented to her. Perhaps she would understand the vision and accept it would come to pass and act on that. I could not imagine it would ever be a voluntary decision though.

And she didn't even know what it meant to be a monster. If she did, there would be no possibility she'd be happy with becoming an immortal, vision or no vision. Especially because there would be so much she'd have to give up. Something I could never allow, even if it meant it was the only way we could be guaranteed to stay together forever. It was an unacceptable sacrifice Bella would have to make. Given the fact she had entirely accepted my nature and the dangers that accompanied it, I could not ask her to trade in her life too. That would be absurd.

"Remember what I said: don't underestimate Bella. And don't underestimate her love for you. It's much more consuming and powerful than you think..." Alice smiled.

I was beginning to see this. I had continuously assumed I loved Bella far more than she loved me, but slowly it was sinking into every fibre of my being that perhaps Bella Swan actually loved me as completely as I loved her. The idea of that made me feel extremely happy. But - even if we did love each other equally - that would not mean I could tell her about Alice's vision and assume she'd be alright with it. There was no way she could ever be.

Esme chimed in on my state of mind, thrilled I had found happiness at last.

"Edward, it's time you bring Bella over," my mother encouraged smilingly.

"I don't know if that's such a good idea. " I hesitated

The idea of Bella coming over made me feel somewhat uneasy. I trusted my parents to be welcoming. They would accept Bella as easily as she accepted me. But my siblings were a different story.

"Emmett and Rosalie are gone for the weekend, which is probably a good thing, given Rosalie's worry over the situation and Emmett's support on that. Why don't you bring Bella over to the house _today_", Carlisle suggested

Despite Rosalie and Emmett being out of the picture, I could not be a hundred percent assured that Alice and Jasper would behave themselves. The last thing I needed was to worry about Alice's need to befriend Bella and the risk that she would tell her about that very specific vision of the future or Jasper trying to control his bloodlust with someone smelling as delicious as Bella around.

"What about Jasper..." I pointed out.

Perhaps I wasn't given him enough credit, but I was not about to risk Bella's life because Jasper had yet to perfect his control.

"It won't be easy for him," Carlisle agreed, "But we'll be here to keep him in check"

"If I do bring Bella over" - and I was still not certain if I should - "you better warn Jasper to keep his distance, we cannot toy with his self control. We must take his weakness seriously," I warned Alice.

"Come on, Edward. Give him a little credit. He is not going to jump Bella. He knows she is important to you. And _me_, may I add. But, to ease your mind, I'll take him hunting before she arrives. Oh...and Edward, she will be here...already saw it..." Alice said smugly.

"What about _you", _I shot back, "Will _you_ be able to behave yourself?"

"Tsk, if you don't invite her, I'll do it myself", Alice threatened, "and you know I will!"

Yes, I knew she would.

"Fine, I'll ask her. But it is _her_ decision to make. If she says no, then I won't force her," I told my sister.

"She'll say yes," Alice assured me.

"Wonderful, so we'll see you this afternoon," Esme concluded happily.

I wanted to protest, because I really wasn't sure if I was ready for this. A part of me wanted Bella to meet my family and see the house I lived in. I wanted her to know all about me. But was it safe for her to be here? And more importantly, how much more would she be able to accept? It would not be like she'd walk in on something normal. Then again, had any of this been normal so far....

But before I had the opportunity to put my hesitance into words again, Alice interrupted me and I noticed her eyes were momentarily slightly unfocussed. Another vision.

"Edward, you better get changed and head back. Bella will wake up soon," Alice said, as the vision unfolded in her mind. "Tell her I said Hi!"

"You can tell her yourself this afternoon..." I managed to tease, feeling my spirits lifted by the idea of going back to Bella.

"By the way, _I_ won the bet," Alice called after me, as I made way to my room.

Of course she had. _Thankfully_ she had. The alternative would have been impossible to live with.

I changed in a hurry and made it back to Bella. Just as I was about to cross the lawn to climb up her window I noticed Charlie in the driveway, leaning over the opened hood of Bella's truck. I could not see clearly what he was doing, but from the tiny fragments of his thoughts I could put together, I figured he had dismantled Bella's car the night before, to make sure she would not sneak out. Probably by disconnecting her battery cables, I concluded. He was now re-attaching them, it seemed.

Charlie's protective ways amused me as much as they bothered me. How would he react to Bella having a boyfriend? A _vampire _boyfriend no less, though that would be a part of the story he'd never find out about. Well, assuming Billy Black would keep his mouth shut, which was still uncertain. Especially now that Bella and I had gotten even closer. If Billy Black would learn about that - and I figured it was only a matter of time before this news would make it to the Quileute reservation - and he'd tell Charlie something about the Cullen reputation, something Charlie had probably not taken into account himself - like every one else in Forks, the Chief respected my father as a person and I was sure the respect was mutual - Lord knows what Charlie would do. He might forbid Bella to see me. Of course, before he could even have a proper fatherly reaction to the news of a new man in Bella's life, she would have to tell him about being with me first and I started to doubt if she was ever going to. Because she didn't want her father to know she had a boyfriend now.

After Charlie was done, he took the cruiser and headed out. Probably another fishing trip, I guessed.

I slipped through the window and sat in the rocking chair, anticipating for Bella to wake up.

It was not before long, when Bella started to become restless. She lay with her arm across her face, trying to prevent the daylight from waking her up. Then she rolled on her side and groaned, hoping to find more sleep. Just as I thought she was going to fall asleep again, she abruptly sat up...

"Oh!" was all she managed to say.

"Your hair looks like a haystack… but I like it.", I told her in earnest.

I knew from the small experience I had from being around two sisters who did care about their appearances - of course Rosalie more than Alice - that being honest about women's physical trades was not always a smart thing to do. But in my eyes, Bella's tangled dark hair - widely dancing around her ivory face which was tainted with a fresh pink flush - looked good combed or uncombed. She was truly the most gorgeous woman I had ever laid eyes upon. And it continued to amaze me that this beautiful creature wanted to be with me.

"Edward! You stayed!" Bella called enthusiastically as she dashed across the room and jumped onto my lap. But, as she did this, something seemed to click for her and she immediately froze.

I completely understood this reaction without the need to read her mind; she was probably suddenly worried about crossing the self control boundaries I had set. But for me, nothing made me happier than this enthusiasm. Even breathing her in now - something I had been doing most of the night - felt almost wonderful, despite the instant return of the burn in my throat. And her happiness made me feel happy, so I laughed and gently rubbed her back in reassurance.

"Of course," I answered smilingly

Bella carefully rested her head on my shoulder and I could feel her breathe me in. I knew the appeal our scent had on - especially - humans but feeling her breath on my skin like that - like a fan blazing hot air towards me in full force - immediately woke up all these recently assembled desires, slightly overtaking the burn.

"I was sure it was a dream." Bella said.

"You're not that creative," I scoffed.

Suddenly Bella jumped up and headed for the door.

"Charlie!" She yelled, remembering her father assuming he was home.

"He left an hour ago — after reattaching your battery cables, I might add. I have to admit I was disappointed. Is that really all it would take to stop you, if you were determined to go?" I teased.

I wondered momentarily how well Charlie knew his daughter. For a girl who wasn't afraid of a vampire one bit, it was doubtful she'd be stopped by a dysfunctional car, if she wanted to go somewhere. I could not help but think how many rules she'd have to break to be with me. I was already in her room every night - until recently without Bella even knowing about my stalker ways - but Chief Swan would probably object heavily to it. Like any responsible parent would. Another reason to at least inform him about my presence in Bella's life. It seemed fair to give him some insight into his daughter's life. Especially before Billy Black could. Perhaps if Chief Swan saw I made his daughter happy and that I'd keep her safe no matter what, he would be less inclined to listen to Billy Black's warnings.

Bella stood there, gazing at me. There was a combination of small panic and indecision in her eyes.

"You're not usually this confused in the morning," I concluded, opening my arms, encouraging her to return to me. _Like_ I really wanted her to.

"I need another human minute," she admitted.

Of course, the human minutes. The minutes Bella needed to straighten out these human insecurities to feel less self conscious. Didn't she know though that she had no reason to be self conscious, heavenly as she was?

"I'll wait." I promised.

Bella headed to the bathroom and I sat there, waiting for her to return. My arms felt empty and cold now. I could hear water running and a brushing sound - Bella brushing her teeth I guessed - and then more of a soft scraping sound, which I thought could be Bella brushing her hair - perhaps roughly, trying to untangle the beautiful wild mess of her brown looks.

It were small minutes that she was gone but they still felt like lifetimes. It was the same this morning, when I had left briefly. More and more I was starting to feel incomplete - dismembered even - without Bella by my side.

Finally, I could hear the sound of a loudly drumming heart heading back towards the room and small seconds later Bella was in my arms again.

_Where she belongs_, I thought.

"Welcome back," I murmured.

We sat there in silence for a little while, as I rocked the chair back and forth.

I continued to breathe in her thick mind-blowing scent, letting the sweetness hit me over and over. Albeit I had only been gone a little while, it burned stronger again then it had done during the night, where I had held her in my arms, swimming in the luscious whiffs coming of Bella's skin. Still, this burning wasn't that bad. Being here with Bella, made it something I'd gladly endure.

"You left?" she accused, brushing against the collar of my shirt.

"I could hardly leave in the clothes I came in — what would the neighbours think?" I winked

Bella's mouth formed into a pout. Clearly she was not happy with the knowledge I had left her. I felt remorse for a moment. I had promised her to stay and now it felt like I had broken that promise.

_I won't leave you_, echoed through me. My words, broken. But I was here now and that was more important.

"You were very deeply asleep; I didn't miss anything." I assured her softly. "The talking came earlier."

Hmm, she probably wished I had been absent during that. I was thankful I had not been.

This displeased Bella indeed. "What did you hear?"

"You said you loved me."

"You knew that already," she reminded me, as she hid her face against my shoulder.

"It was nice to hear, just the same." I told her

_Nice_ was an understatement, but I felt like overpowering Bella with words of grandeur would probably not be a great idea.

_No one likes a melodramatic love sick vampire._

"I love you," she whispered softly against my neck.

Like the night before - when she had spoken them in her sleep - the words overwhelmed me. I was not entirely sure if they had ever been spoken to me before. Perhaps my human mother had whispered them to me when I was a little boy but I was certain no lover had ever spoken them and it made sense why. Bella was the only one who could ever say these words to me and make me believe them. And every time she did, every time she confessed to her love for me, it felt nothing short of incredible.

_And don't underestimate her love for you. It's much bigger than you think. _Alice words reminded me

I had doubted this. Or, to be more precise...I just could not phantom that Bella would know the feeling of this overpowering love. Was it even possible for a human to carry or even channel it? Still, with every time Bella spoke the words and showed her enthusiasm I had to start believing more, that it was in fact possible that she loved me as all consuming as I loved her. The idea of that made my silent heart echo unsteady beats, reminiscent of an earlier life and yet so very unfamiliar at the same time.

I thought about repeating the words I had spoken in return to her confession when she was asleep. I _did_ love her too, of course. But those words seemed too easy in expressing how I felt about her. I did not just love her. She was simply everything, she overtook all I was. All I could ever be. Every moment, every feeling I had experienced or felt, from the time we met until the end of days, was because of her. Life before - and without - Bella Swan was nothing but a cruel memory.

"You are my life now," I told her.

Silence filled the room. These words of declaration never ceased to amaze me.

They were so new to me. And probably just as new to Bella as well.

After we had sat there for a while, I remembered the human trades Bella had, and how she needed to eat at regular times.

"Breakfast time," I said trying to sound casual.

Bella looked up and stared at me with eyes wide in horror, immediately clutching her throat.

For a small portion of a second, I felt repulsed. By my own words and by Bella's reaction. I wrecked my brain, wondering how my reminder of her human frailties had set her off like that. But then she started to smile...

"Kidding!" she snickered. "And you said I couldn't act!" she accused teasingly

She joked about this. About the frailty of her life and my unwelcome nature? I was not sure whether or not this was in fact funny or horribly misplaced.

"That wasn't funny." I frowned.

"It was very funny, and you know it," she pointed out.

She stared at me cautiously, probably wondering if I was mad at her. I wasn't. The truth was; every time she took a part of my nature in stride, every time she accepted it or even joked about it, I felt like I was selling her short. How could I ever be in balance with her? All I had to do was love her, whereas she had to risk her life to be with me. It was insane. But, drowning as I did when looking into her liquid chocolate eyes I wanted nothing more but to even that balance. All I could do was keeping her safe and love her forever with everything I had to give. Of course I could not be sure if that was ever enough. But I'd still try.

I smiled softly as I reworded my earlier question.

"Shall I rephrase? Breakfast time for the human."

"Oh, okay." Bella said.

I stood up and threw Bella carefully over my shoulder. She protested as I carried her down the stairs. When in the kitchen, I gently placed her in one of the chairs.

"What's for breakfast?" Bella wondered smilingly.

Darn. I _really_ needed to start watching the Food Network.

"Er, I'm not sure. What would you like?" I wondered

Bella grinned at this and jumped out of her chair.

"That's all right; I fend for myself pretty well. Watch me hunt." she smiled

She took a bowl and a box of what I presumed was a type of breakfast cereal. Personally, I could not imagine it could be as appetizing as the fresh flow of the most exquisite blood but I still tried to familiarize myself with all these human foods, smells and flavours. Also, thinking about blood - _her blood _being the most exquisite I'd believe to have ever smelled - made me too thirsty for my - and her - own good. So I refocused on Bella.

Bella placed her breakfast on the table and looked at me.

"Can I get you anything?" she asked politely.

_No. Unless you have some freshly caught elk stocked up in a freezer. Though I probably won't eat it in a bowl with a spoon. _Sometimes she was so very human.

"Just eat, Bella." I told her.

I could not help but glance Bella while she ate. Her heart seemed to react to this observance because its thuds became slightly uneven - missing a beat occasionally. And her cheeks were tainted with their natural warm red. I supposed Bella probably felt self conscious again but she simply had to get used to me staring at her. I simply could not keep my eyes off her for long. It was one of those selfish needs again, I gave into far too often and much too gladly.

"What's on the agenda for today?" Bella asked, breaking the silence.

_Plans._ I thought about my parents and their eagerness for me to bring Bella over. I thought about Alice and her determination to befriend Bella. I wondered who would protest more to all this. Bella or me. I feared it would in fact be me.

"Hmmm…What would you say to meeting my family?" I asked.

I could hear Bella swallowing at my question.

Maybe she did not want to go. That would suit me, given my own worries, except there was a part of me that really did want her to meet my family and see my house. It felt like it was the last piece of the puzzle that conveyed my entire nature. In order to getting to know me completely, Bella would have to know my family too.

"Are you afraid now?" I wondered.

"Yes," she admitted

I could see fear in her eyes. But it wasn't fear for her life or fear because my family existed of vampires. Of course I could not be sure, because her thoughts remained mute to me and all I had were these little hints of something I could only guess at when I looked into in her eyes.

"Don't worry." I smirked. "I'll protect you."

Bella shot me a glance. I'm not afraid of _them_," she explained. "I'm afraid they won't… like me. Won't they be well, surprised that you would bring someone… like me… home to meet them? Do they know that I know about them?"

I had guessed right. Bella's backwards mind again. She wasn't afraid _of_ them. She feared non acceptance _by_ them.

"Oh, they already know everything", I assured her, "They'd taken bets yesterday, you know on whether I'd bring you back, though why anyone would bet against Alice, I can't imagine. At any rate, we don't have secrets in the family. It's not really feasible, what with my mind reading and Alice seeing the future and all that." I smiled wryly.

I made a small mental note to address my siblings about continuing that bet at a later date, despite my efforts - like the wrestling match against my brother I had declared myself the winner of - to stop them from making money on Bella's (non-) safety.

"And Jasper making you feel all warm and fuzzy about spilling your guts, don't forget that." Bella reminded me.

"You paid attention," I smiled approvingly.

"I've been known to do that every now and then." she grimaced.

"So did Alice see me coming?", Bella wondered.

It was a question I had expected for a while now, but not one I was in any way eager to answer. I did not want to lie to her but at the same time it did not seem like a wise thing to tell her what it was Alice had seen. That would certainly send her over the edge. No one would like to hear that they were scheduled to become a vampire.

"Something like that," I said, barely able to hide the discomfort in my voice. I looked away from Bella, knowing she could see something brewing in my eyes anyway. With the way Bella observed everything, she'd probably know there was more to tell. Luckily she did not press the issue.

The air was thick with an uncomfortable vibe now, like something was brewing, and this unnerved me a lot.

I realized this would be much like what would happen if Bella would hear about Alice's vision at a certain point in time. Except Bella would probably not take it as calmly as she had taken everything else.

After a few moments I turned to face her.

"Is that any good?" I asked in distraction, hoping this would lighten the mood and make Bella forget about Alice.

"Honestly, it doesn't look very appetizing." I teased

"Well, it's no irritable grizzly…" Bella murmured.

I frowned at this. Not because of her answer, but because I could see the intuition still flashing in her eyes. She wasn't past her wonder about Alice's vision yet.

Bella finished through the rest of her breakfast as I stared outside. I still felt unease at the strange vibe that was clouding the air between us and also at the idea that Bella was going to meet my family. There was so much she had already accepted. But that was just about me. I could not expect Bella to be just as accepting of my family, could I...?

Not to mention; what if Bella bluntly asked Alice about whether or not my sister had seen her coming. I could see her doing that, especially if Alice was going to be overly nice to Bella right away. And Alice would gladly go against my warnings and tell Bella the truth. And that would not even be that unjustified, because I could not blame Alice for not lying to Bella, if she asked for the truth. I hated keeping things from Bella myself, even if it were things that she would be better off not knowing.

But, I realized, if she was going to meet my family....

It was time she told Charlie about me. That would be fair.

"And you should introduce me to your father, too, I think.", I smiled

"He already knows you," she reminded me

"As your boyfriend, I mean." I clarified

"Why?" Bella asked reluctantly.

"Isn't that customary?" I mused

"I don't know," she admitted. "That's not necessary, you know. I don't expect you to… I mean, you don't have to pretend for me."

Pretend to be her boyfriend? Was_ that _what she thought I was doing? If only she realized I wanted the acknowledgement of being her boyfriend, no matter how ridiculously human it sounded. I _needed_ it.

"I'm not pretending." I assured her

Bella stared at the bowl in front of her.

"Are you going to tell Charlie I'm your boyfriend or not?" I demanded.

In a strange way I felt she sort of owed me this. I had been patient, though it had frustrated me immensely that she kept Charlie in the dark. It would be nice to have one person know, I was important to Bella. Excluding the students at Forks High. It was the necessary feeling that my ego needed the acknowledgement or perhaps I was just as self conscious about this as she was, except the other way around. Where she shied away from the attention, I seemed to need it. Which went against my cautious vampire nature, so I assumed it was one of those resurfacing human trades. Maybe I had no right to ask Bella to make our relationship public. Given the fact she kept my nature a secret, I could not expect to have her be open about the human part of who I was at the same time.

"Is that what you are?" Bella wondered

"It's a loose interpretation of the word 'boy,' I'll admit." I told her

"I was under the impression that you were something more, actually," Bella confessed, looking at the table.

I was too. But it was hard enough already to make sense of all this and define our feelings, let alone our relationship. I'd never call Bella my girlfriend, because it was a ridiculous term. It paled in comparison to everything she meant to me. I guessed she felt the same way...

"Well, I don't know if we need to give him all the gory details." I reached across the table to lift her chin with my icy finger. "But he will need some explanation for why I'm around here so much. I don't want Chief Swan getting a restraining order put on me."

"Will you be?" Bella asked, suddenly anxious. "Will you really be here?"

"As long as you want me," I assured her

"I'll always want you," She warned me. "Forever."

I walked around the table - at human speed- and reached to brush my fingertips against Bella's warm cheek.

"Does that make you sad?" she asked.

Did it? I had to shamefully admit to myself that it did not make me as sad as it should have. And it didn't not make me sad because of Bella - I wanted her forever too - but what saddened me was the only way to securely realize forever, was for her to trade in her life for an immortal existence. And by the way her cheeks warmed my fingertips; it seemed hardly fair for her to give that up. I could not have the heat and the part where I'd be with her forever too...

I stared into her eyes, unable to uncover any secrets. For small fragments of seconds, all I did was drown in them. Those eyes would get lost in the blessed burden of forever. So would that healthy thudding heart and her warm tainted cheeks. Her entire life would be gone. And for what...

"Are you finished?" I finally asked.

Bella jumped up. "Yes."

"Get dressed. I'll wait here." I told her

In the time Bella took to get dressed I waited for her by the stairs. I could tell from the noises coming from upstairs she was trying to get ready in haste.

I thought about Alice's vision and its implications. And her words about how I should not underestimate Bella's love for me. If she truly loved me as much as I loved her, than I could only honour and repay that love by leaving her human.

After a little while Bella appeared at the top of the stairs only to bounce down and run straight into my arms seconds later.

"Okay. I'm decent." she called.

As I held her from a small distance, I let my fast vampire brain register what she was wearing.

Bella wore a skirt, which was probably merely meant to look a bit more formal. It looked good on her nonetheless. Then there was my favourite blouse. The dark blue one which made her ivory skin look like fresh cream. The blouse that accentuated her body so nicely.

The blouse that fit her like a second skin.

Right now, she looked nothing short of _heavenly. _

_Desirable. _

I remembered the things I had thought about when I had first seen her in that blouse. How it had made me trace the contours of her body with my fingers, in my mind. How I had thought about kissing her and....

_Kissing her. _

I pulled her close to me, breathing in the deliciously seductive scent that accompanied the beauty in my arms. My nostrils pricked and my throat burned. But I was growing accustomed to this and it weighed far less heavy than this present need to be close to her.

"Wrong again," I murmured in her ear. "You are utterly indecent. No one should look so tempting, it's not fair."

"Tempting how?" Bella asked. "I can change…"

I sighed at the insecurity in her voice. "You are _so _absurd." I said as I pressed my lips to her forehead, smouldering my lips instantly. Lips that begged to be touched.

_By Bella's lips...._

"Shall I explain how you are tempting me?" I said as I traced my fingers down her spine. I could feel her breathing becoming uneven with slight gasps in between. That should have been my warning. But I was too far lost in my desire to feel Bella's lips against mine. I needed to feel her scorching heat and so I pressed my cool lips to hers carefully, slightly parting Bella's with my own, feeling her sweet breath wash over me and the warmth of her burning lips creeping inside me, forcing me to entertain shameful and wicked thoughts, where I'd allow my hands and lips to be on different parts of her body. This sped up my breath and it wasn't until a small second later, I noticed how _her_ breathing had stopped all together.

When Bella collapsed.

"Bella?" I called in panic as I held her up.

"You… made… me… faint," she accused me dizzily.

Not the reaction I had been going for at all. Quite the opposite. Kissing her meant I had to control myself and although I given in to my lust momentarily, I had managed to control myself. To be fair, Bella's collapse had reeled me in instantly and had that not happened, who knows what I would have allowed myself to do. I was becoming quite the lusting person, like Alice had pointed out earlier. And now, my kiss had apparently been so powerful, it harmed Bella. This was something I had not anticipated on. Something I did not like as much as I could have, given the idea my kissing expertise supposedly had these effects. Most human males would love to be able to do that. Not me, I'd rather kiss Bella without hurting her.

"_What am I going to do with you_?" I groaned in exasperation. "Yesterday I kiss you, and you attack me! Today you pass out on me!"

Bella laughed weakly at this.

"So much for being good at everything," I sighed.

So much for all these lusts. I'd be more disgusted with myself, if I hadn't been so overwhelmed by them. Enjoyed them as much as I did.

"That's the problem. You're _too _good. Far, far too good." Bella breathed unsteadily

My concern for Bella's wellbeing outweighed the idea that I was good at kissing her. Though a small portion of me felt smug enough to enjoy the compliment. And the post-simmering of my lusts.

"Do you feel sick?" I asked

"No — that wasn't the same kind of fainting at all. I don't know what happened; I think I forgot to breathe." Bella stated

Yes, I had noticed that.

"I can't take you anywhere like this.", I said firmly

"I'm fine," Bella insisted. "Your family is going to think I'm insane anyway, what's the difference?"

I glanced her over to make sure she was really alright. My eyes got stuck on the dark blue blouse again and how its shape fit around Bella's body perfectly. I refrained from letting my mind wander to the more inappropriate thoughts again, which were of course nicely lingering inside me.

"I'm very partial to that colour with your skin," I told her honestly. It was true, it was still my favourite colour combined with her pale complexion.

The paleness which tainted scarlet as I spoke the words.

"Look, I'm trying really hard not to think about what I'm about to do, so can we go already?" Bella asked.

Hmm, these lusts affected her too. And not just by leaving her breathless. Of course she longed too...

"And you're worried, not because you're headed to meet a houseful of vampires, but because you think those vampires won't approve of you, correct?", I summarized, distracting us both from the small hint of passion that was still in the air between us.

"That's right," Bella answered sternly.

Amazing. Bella and her backward ways.

"You're incredible." I said shaking my head.

I had driven up to my house many times but never did I feel the way I did now. I was still unsure if this was the right thing to do. Knowing my secret was one thing, but to be exposed to the rest of them. How would that make Bella feel? She took so many things in stride, but eventually there had to be something that would want to make her run away. I still could not imagine she was that fearless.

I noticed Bella glancing outside curiously, probably wondering when we were heading.

I knew she had no idea where I lived. None of the people in Forks really did. It was no secret the Cullens had a nice sum of money and lived somewhere north of Forks, where the - more financially advanced - people lived but we never invited any of them to our humble home. There had never been any reason to. The occasions where Carlisle and Esme would join in on certain social gatherings they either took place at the hospital or in some other public place.

Bella would be the first human to enter our house.

The first girl I'd ever bring home. The last one too, because there would never be anyone else.

The house had been a great find by Esme and she had been keen on restoring it to its original state. It was hidden nicely thanks to the six cedars hovering over the lawn, branches reaching all the way to the walls of the house. It was the only place all of us had really ever felt at home. The one place we could be ourselves.

"Wow.", was all Bella could say

"You like it?" I smiled.

"It… has a certain charm." she admitted

I laughed at this and teasingly pulled her ponytail, as I moved to the passenger side and opened her door.

"Ready?" I asked

Was _I_ even ready for this?

"Not even a little bit — let's go." Bella said, trying to laugh.

This did not work; instead she started to smooth her hair, probably the nerves taking over.

"You look lovely." I smiled as I took her hand in mine. Bella's hand twitched a little; I assumed it was a nervous streak and so I gently rubbed my thumb over the back of her hand in reassurance. This had its effect on my thumb, which started to throb by the mad electricity of Bella's skin.

I opened the front door and gave Bella a few moments to take everything in. Her heart pulsed at a slightly faster rhythm, but her breathing came steadily.

We found Carlisle and Esme waiting by the piano and I could hear their thoughts of welcome and surprise.

_Welcome back, son, _Carlisle smiled, _Glad to see Bella is with you. _

Of course. My father thought she was brave. He was right. She was.

_She's absolutely lovely_, Esme chirped silently.

"Carlisle, Esme, this is Bella." I introduced her.

"You're very welcome, Bella." my father said, slowly moving towards us, probably not to scare Bella. He held out his hand to Bella and she shook it without hesitation. She did not flinch at the touch of his skin. I supposed by now she was used to the cool temperature of it.

"It's nice to see you again, Dr. Cullen.", Bella said politely

"Please, call me Carlisle." Carlisle urged with a smile.

"Carlisle." Bella grinned

Alright, so far so good. Bella did not seem afraid, she was perhaps merely as nervous as any girl would be when meeting her boyfriend's parents for the first time. Almost like our unnatural mannerisms did not exist.

Carlisle seemed to notice this too.

_She seems quite composed. Almost like this is all completely normal_ _to her_, he mused

Esme joined Carlisle's side and held out her hand too.

"It's very nice to know you," she said sincerely.

"Thank you. I'm glad to meet you, too." Bella smiled, taking my mother's hand like it was indeed the most normal thing to do.

Of course this pleased Esme; _Edward, she's very sweet. And very beautiful._

Yes, certainly she was very sweet. And beautiful. And so much more.

I momentarily let myself dwell on the perfection I felt was this girl standing next to me, but before I could get in too deep, I heard familiar sounds coming from upstairs.

"Where are Alice and Jasper?", I asked out of habit because Bella was around, even though I already knew the answer since I could hear Alice's happy thoughts screaming at me from the top of the stairs.

_Yay! Bella is here! I can't wait to see her again! _Alice beamed.

Since Bella was standing next to me, I had no opportunity to reel Alice in by speaking to her directly and so I was forced to shoot Alice some warning glances which she - of course - completely ignored

"Hey, Edward!" Alice called enthusiastically. She ran down the stairs - forgetting about human pretences all together - only to halt inches from where Bella and I were standing. I could see my parents glancing at her too, but Alice had only one thing on her mind.

_She will be my friend too,_ she warned me internally as she noticed my warning glares.

"Hi, Bella!" Alice said, and she eagerly leaned forward to kiss Bella's cheek.

_Fantastic. _All the cautionary measures I took when around Bella and as careful as my parents were with her, all of it seemed to mean nothing to Alice. She pounded through everything and pretended to be a human girl, who was greeting her best friend. Except Bella had no idea she and Alice were going to be friends. Which was still a bizarre image to me. But perhaps that was, because I sort of wanted to keep Bella to myself, possessive as I seemed to be. I didn't want to share her.

Of course Bella, being as trustworthy as she was, would probably accept Alice easily. And if she did and the two would become friends, than who was I to object? As long as Alice would not share her visions, it could work out. If Bella wanted to be her friend, than Alice was very lucky. And to be fair, so would Bella, since my sister was probably the one vampire who could act human and actually enjoyed it. Perhaps even more so than human Bella herself. Alice certainly never doubted we did in fact have a life - in which there was room to act human - and not merely an existence, a belief I had held onto for so long.

Bella glanced at me; I knew she felt my body stiffening at Alice's upbeat reaction.

"You do smell nice, I never noticed before," Alice commented. Standing next to Bella I could feel the heat coming off her skin, which meant Alice had managed to make her blush. Her heart thudded a bit more rapidly, but not as erratically as I expected.

But as much as I wanted to reprimand Alice, I knew it was not the time. Also, I wanted to refocus my attention on Jasper, who was standing a few feet away from us, silently debating on whether or not to move closer.

_She smells very good, very appetizing. _Jasper thought, glancing at me in apology. Despite Jasper's power to make people feel more comfortable, I didn't feel it at all. I wasn't very happy with his reaction.

Naturally, he sensed this. _Sorry, Edward. I'll keep my distance. But I am alright, really. Alice and I went hunting. Still, - especially you - cannot deny she smells extremely good._

Jasper moved to Alice's side but still refrained from coming too close.

"Hello, Bella," he said.

"Hello, Jasper." Bella said shyly. She smiled at Jasper and then the rest of my family. I could feel her heartbeat slowing to a steady rhythm, which made me feel more at ease. Perhaps this was actually going work out.

"It's nice to meet you all — you have a very beautiful home," Bella added conventionally.

Yes, Bella took everything in stride again.

"Thank you," Esme said. "We're so glad that you came."

I knew my mother meant it. And perhaps all of them did. So far, everyone seemed as accepting of Bella as she was of us.

Well, except for Rosalie, which was absurd and an insult to Bella. I was glad she was not here.

As I focussed on Bella's expression - which was quite neutral - and the thoughts around me, my father sought my attention.

_Edward. I am sorry I have to alarm you or ruin the mood, but Alice foresees some visitors coming to town. They will most likely pass through and move on quickly but it's something to keep in mind just the same. My apologies for the secrecy, but I wasn't sure if you want Bella to know_, my father informed me

I nodded in response and from the corner of my eye I noticed something in Bella's eyes.

That observant eye of hers, surely she had picked up the subtle - or apparently not so subtle - interaction between my father and me.

She didn't say anything and instead let her eyes wander to the piano.

I thought about Carlisle's warning. This was certainly not good. Nomads usually stayed further up north, occasionally curious about the Denali Clan. They hardly ever made it down to Forks. This was partially because of the stories about the Quileute's and what they represented but also because the weather was even more stable and vampire friendly in Alaska. Peter and Charlotte had been an exception last week, but they were more trustworthy than some random clan of nomads. Plus, it was not a great prospect to be found out by these savages either.

I would do whatever I could to protect Bella, even if the nomads would not come near town limits. Plus, selfish as I was, I did not mind playing protector if it meant I could spend more time with Bella. Like _all _my time.

As I tried to refocus my attention to Bella I noticed how she took the piano in. There was a faint smile playing on her lips and I could not help but muse on why that was.

Esme seemed to notice this too.

"Do you play?" she asked Bella, inclining her head toward the piano.

Bella shook her head "Not at all. But it's so beautiful. Is it yours?"

"No," she laughed. "Edward didn't tell you he was musical?"

"No." Bella gave me an accusatory glare "I should have known, I guess."

This made Esme raise her eyebrows in confusion.

"Edward can do everything, right?" Bella clarified

Jasper chuckled at this and Esme looked at me disapprovingly

"I hope you haven't been showing off— it's rude," she scolded me

"Just a bit," I laughed openly

_I have never seen you laugh like this before. She makes you so very happy, doesn't she? And she seems very much taken by you too. With good reason, of course. And remember, I told you this would work out for the best_, Esme reminded me

It was nice to get praised by my mother but I didn't think Bella was the lucky one out of the two of us. _I_ was, most definitely.

"He's been too modest, actually," Bella told Esme

"Well, play for her," Esme pressed gently.

"You just said showing off was rude," I objected.

"There are exceptions to every rule," she replied.

_She'll be very happy with your new composition. **Her** composition_, Esme encouraged silently

"I'd like to hear you play," Bella smiled softly

"It's settled then." Esme said as pushed me toward the piano. I pulled Bella with me, seating her next to me on the bench.

It was strange. I knew I played the piano well, especially when set to human standards. But for some reason I felt small nerves erupt as I sat there.

I looked at Bella, who gazed at me with anticipation, in encouragement. I didn't know what she saw in my eyes, but for some reason it was important to not let her down.

And so I began to play. I started with Esme's favourite, the one I had composed a long time ago. Back then it had inspired me to play something overwhelming, because every time I saw my parents, their love just radiated, the - almost human - warmth of it affecting everything around them. Their love was pure, without drama. And the composition was pure too. Pure but heavy on the melody. But also harmonious, like their pairing was. The melody sounded bombastic because of the bass but the music still carried itself in a dignified way, almost soft to fine tuned ears. The softness of the harmony moulded itself to that grotesque melody. Like Carlisle and Esme had moulded. Their love was so grand, so inspiring, and so full. And although I had composed my mother's favourite decades ago, I did not fully understand it, until now. Now that I had my own melody of love to play.

Bella sat next to me, staring at my hands in awe. Her mouth flew open in amazement and I could hear my family chuckle at this.

I tried to stay casual about it, I did not want to brag and frankly - although this was perhaps bragging - I was used to playing, so it was hard to imagine what was so amazing about it.

"Do you like it?" I winked

"You wrote this?" Bella gasped

I nodded. "It's Esme's favourite."

Bella closed her eyes and shook her head.

Another reaction of hers that I did not understand.

"What's wrong?" I asked

"I'm feeling extremely insignificant." she told me

_Insignificant? Bella_? Well, she was anything but _that_. And to underline it, I started to play her lullaby.

The lullaby of the perfect girl, sleeping with her hair tangled around her face. Scarlett lips slightly parted, breathing in and out.

The perfect girl whose lips held my name. Whose eyes held my gaze?

The perfect girl who was now _mine_. Like I was _hers._

"You inspired this one," I told her softly. My parents and siblings left the room, their footsteps too quiet for Bella to hear.

Bella just stared at me.

"They like you, you know," I assured her. "Esme especially."

Bella looked over her shoulder to find my family gone.

"Where did they go?" she asked

"Very subtly giving us some privacy, I suppose." I smiled

Bella sighed. "_They _like me. But Rosalie and Emmett…"

...Would have to deal with it. Bella was part of me, so they'd better accept it. I knew Emmett would. And I didn't really care about Rosalie.

"Don't worry about Rosalie", I assured her, "She'll come around"

_Or not. But who cares..._

"Emmett?" Bella wondered sceptically

"Well, he thinks _I'm _a lunatic, it's true, but he doesn't have a problem with you. He's trying to reason with Rosalie." I told her

"What is it that upsets her?" Bella wondered

_Oh, she is jealous, because you are the most gorgeous woman in my entire existence._

_L_ess dramatic would be better.

I sighed deeply. "Rosalie struggles the most with… with what we are. It's hard for her to have someone on the outside know the truth. And she's a little jealous."

"_Rosalie _is jealous of _me_?" Bella asked incredulously.

"You're human." I shrugged. "She wishes that she were, too."

I knew Rosalie hated being what we were and I could relate to that - especially now that I had Bella, it would be far easier to be human too - and even feel for my sister, but I knew her struggle wasn't just about the wanting to be human part. She also hated the fact I had never looked at her in the way I looked at Bella. It upset and annoyed Rosalie she had not been able to capture me like that and in my eyes that made her petty.

"Oh," Bella muttered, still stunned. "Even Jasper, though…"

"That's really my fault," I admitted "I told you he was the most recent to try our way of life. I warned him to keep his distance."

And a good thing too. Jasper had noticed right away that Bella's scent was extremely appealing.

Bella shuddered at my answer and I knew she picked up my warning on Jasper. I did not want to put him in a bad light like this, but the warning was fair. And for his benefit too. Maybe with some time he'd grow more accustomed to Bella - and her scent - and being around her would become easier. Until then, no unnecessary risks.

"Esme and Carlisle…?" Bella continued, trying to remain casual.

"Are happy to see me happy. Actually, Esme wouldn't care if you had a third eye and webbed feet. All this time she's been worried about me, afraid that there was something missing from my essential makeup, that I was too young when Carlisle changed me… She's ecstatic. Every time I touch you, she just about chokes with satisfaction." I shared.

It was not so long ago when Carlisle had advised me to - when it came to Bella and her appeal - perhaps 'take myself out of the equation' as he had called it. Later on, he had apologized for it. Now he had seen it was right. That being with Bella was right. My parents' faith in me had been clear before I could even believe Bella was safe. Before I even deserved it. And I wasn't sure if I deserved their faith now. But at least it made a little more sense.

"Alice seems very… enthusiastic." Bella concluded.

_Yes, far too enthusiastic. _

"Alice has her own way of looking at things," I told her wryly

"And you're not going to explain that, are you?" Bella deduced.

She looked at me and in her eyes I saw understanding. She knew right there and then something else was going on. She also knew I would not tell her what. What she did not know was that I _could_ not tell her what.

"So what was Carlisle telling you before?" Bella asked

Of course, _nothing_ ever went past Bella.

"You noticed that, did you?" I mused

She shrugged. "Of course."

Hmm, as much I wanted to keep this from her, so she would not worry, I now had no choice but to share Alice's latest vision.

"He wanted to tell me some news —he didn't know if it was something I would share with you."

"Will you?" Bella wondered.

"I have to, because I'm going to be a little… overbearingly protective over the next few days — or weeks — and I wouldn't want you to think I'm naturally a tyrant." I explained.

Perhaps I was not naturally a tyrant, but I knew one of my trades was a strange possessiveness I had strongly developed since meeting Bella. Perhaps it had been there before that, but it surely made its way to the forefront when it came to Bella's safety.

"What's wrong?" Bella asked

"Nothing's wrong, exactly. Alice just sees some visitors coming soon. They know we're here, and they're curious." I told her

"Visitors?" Bella questioned

"Yes… well, they aren't like us, of course — in their hunting habits, I mean. They probably won't come into town at all, but I'm certainly not going to let you out of my sight till they're gone." I assured her.

Bella shivered.

It was almost an odd reaction for a girl so willing to accept my kind. But these 'visitors' were probably far from that. _Kind._

"Finally, a rational response!" I murmured. "I was beginning to think you had no sense of self-preservation at all."

Bella did not say anything and instead let her eyes wander around the room.

"Not what you expected, is it?" I asked, almost smugly

What she had expected, I wondered. Perhaps something more sinister, more Dracula-esque?

"No," Bella admitted.

"No coffins, no piled skulls in the corners; I don't even think we have cobwebs… what a disappointment this must be for you," I teased

"It's so light… so open." Bella said

"It's the one place we never have to hide." I explained.

I played the final notes of Bella's Lullaby leaving the last note hovering in the silence between us.

The final note: the girl safe in her bed, where nothing could harm her, where she would not be altered. Where she'd remain perfect. _Alive._

"Thank you," Bella whispered softly, trying to wipe the tears from her eyes.

Another thing I had almost forgotten about: tears. I knew Esme would have been emotional enough to cry at my compositions had our nature of stone not restrained us from crying. Bella's tears were an odd melancholic reward for creating the lullaby. Her thank you for something she had inspired.

It felt incredibly foolish but I needed to taste this reward. I needed to taste this part of humanity, this part of Bella. I had almost forgotten about it. And so, I reached out my cool finger and trapped a tear on it.

It was warm and wet and delicate and temporary. Like a soap bubble. I felt an ancient sadness when staring at my finger, because the lullaby was not about the girl Alice had foreseen in her vision. This was a girl who could no longer cry, a girl trapped in a body of stone. A girl I could keep forever at a price far too high to pay.

But Bella's tears were not meant to be sad ones. They were grateful - happy - ones. The contradiction in the emotion made me want to trap this single tear inside me and so I put my finger in my mouth to taste this heavily salted truth.

It did nothing for my insides, it only made me yearn to cry myself. Bella would never become what Alice had seen. No matter how difficult things would get, I would not subject Bella to the inhumanity of immortal life.

I saw Bella's questioning look and I knew she found my action strange. But I didn't care about that because all I saw was Bella. I would make it work. Being here today, although it had me worried before, had turned out to be the right thing. Bella was not just a part of it now, she consumed my entire life. And with my life came truths, stories. Things I wanted to share.

I smiled at her.

"Do you want to see the rest of the house?" I asked

"No coffins?" Bella verified with a slight hint of sarcasm in her voice.

I laughed and took her hand, eagerly welcoming back the electric bolts that shot up my arm. "No coffins," I promised.

We walked up the staircase at a normal - human - pace where we reached the first floor.

"Rosalie and Emmett's room… Carlisle's office… Alice's room…" I gestured as I led Bella past the doors.

I tried to pull Bella along but she came to a halt at the end of the hall, staring at a large wooden cross.

I could not help but laugh at her expression. She seemed bewildered by the ostentatious ornament, probably letting her mind wander to certain myths she had read about online.

"You can laugh," I told her "It _is _sort of ironic."

But she didn't. Instead she reached up and followed the lines of the cross in the air, refraining from touching the wood.

"It must be very old," she guessed.

I shrugged. "Early sixteen-thirties, more or less."

"Why do you keep this here?" Bella asked, while staring at me in wonder

"Nostalgia. It belonged to Carlisle's father." I explained

"He collected antiques?" Bella suggested, knowing she wasn't guessing right.

"No. He carved this himself. It hung on the wall above the pulpit in the vicarage where he preached." I told her.

She refocused her eyes on the cross, but I could see this shocked her a bit.

Of course that left me feeling unsettled again. There had been so much, so much she had taken in over the past few days. Even brave Bella Swan surely had a breaking point. I could tell by her expression she was trying to make sense of it all. It was one thing to have a boyfriend from 1901, but to have his father be much much older had to be hard to grasp. It was certainly not an easy reality to take in.

"Are you all right?" I asked her, trying to hide the worry in my voice.

"How old is Carlisle?" Bella asked quietly, her eyes not leaving the cross.

"He just celebrated his three hundred and sixty-second birthday," I said, trying to sound casual about it.

Bella looked at me in shock. But there was also a hint of curiosity there which gave me the courage to continue.

"Carlisle was born in London, in the sixteen-forties, he believes. Time wasn't marked as accurately then, for the common people anyway. It was just before Cromwell's rule, though."

I stopped to look at Bella, who - probably deliberately - kept a neutral face.

"He was the only son of an Anglican pastor. His mother died giving birth to him. His father was an intolerant man. As the Protestants came into power, he was enthusiastic in his persecution of Roman Catholics and other religions. He also believed very strongly in the reality of evil. He led hunts for witches, werewolves… and vampires."

Carlisle's father was a cruel man, who did not love his son. Carlisle had never said it with so many words but his father had blamed him for his mother's death.

I noticed something flicker in Bella's eyes as I spoke the word that defined my nature. She had yet to grow accustomed to that.

"They burned a lot of innocent people — of course the real creatures that he sought were not so easy to catch. When the pastor grew old, he placed his obedient son in charge of the raids. At first Carlisle was a disappointment; he was not quick to accuse, to see demons where they did not exist. But he was persistent, and more clever than his father. He actually discovered a coven of true vampires that lived hidden in the sewers of the city, only coming out by night to hunt. In those days, when monsters were not just myths and legends that was the way many lived." I told her

In those days, when a human Carlisle had led the hunt, all those monstrous creatures were quite savage. Still, they hid during the day, because most of them did not want to risk being found out and some of them believed to be affected or even burned by the sun. They were more brutal and less practiced back then, less inventive about luring their prey and so they got found out sooner than the nomads did nowadays. That's where the dangers lay for humans. Back in the sixteen-sixties, the beasts did not have a false human pretence to hide behind, before capturing and killing their victims. Today, most nomads knew to a certain extent how to act human, at least long enough to not be found out in time for an imposed victim to find out. Also, humans no longer believed in the existence of monsters now and did not take vampires and werewolves to be a reality. Which made them an easier target. Enough reason to protect Bella from these supposed visitors Alice had seen.

I continued; "The people gathered their pitchforks and torches, " - I laughed darkly at the idea of how this way of hunting monsters was once completely normal and now something that was used in stories and movies, assuming they were only myths - "Of course, and waited where Carlisle had seen the monsters exit into the street. Eventually one emerged."

"He must have been ancient, and weak with hunger. Carlisle heard him call out in Latin to the others when he caught the scent of the mob. He ran through the streets, and Carlisle — he was twenty-three and very fast — was in the lead of the pursuit. The creature could have easily outrun them, but Carlisle thinks he was too hungry, so he turned and attacked. He fell on Carlisle first, but the others were close behind, and he turned to defend himself. He killed two men, and made off with a third, leaving Carlisle bleeding in the street." I explained.

My father had told me the story once. Not because he wanted compassion, but because he wanted to explain why he had felt the need to live the way we lived.

"Carlisle knew what his father would do. The bodies would be burned — anything infected by the monster must be destroyed. Carlisle acted instinctively to save his own life. He crawled away from the alley while the mob followed the fiend and his victim. He hid in a cellar, buried himself in rotting potatoes for three days. It's a miracle he was able to keep silent, to stay undiscovered. It was over then, and he realized what he had become." I said

What he had become. One of the monsters he had fought and tried to catch. Only because his father had been so keen to have Carlisle follow in his footsteps. But Carlisle had never blamed his father. He had accepted and embraced what he had become and remained as human as possible. Fighting the changes and urges his body called for as much as possible.

Bella's eyes grew wide and I heard her heart beat loudly. She was definitely not enjoying this tale. And how could she. Esme, Rosalie, Emmett and I had been lucky. We had been turned by a compassionate person, who wanted to give us back a reasonable form of living. Alice and Jasper had been less fortunate but at least they also had a family now. Carlisle had been all alone in learning how to control the monster inside. It made sense; he has sought people on the verge of death to create a family.

"How are you feeling?" I asked.

"I'm fine," Bella assured me.

I was inclined to believe this, because there was still that hint of fascination in her eyes. The way she had stared at me when we had first locked eyes in the cafeteria on her first day at school.

_Our first meeting._ This made me realize something.

I smiled. "I expect you have a few more questions for me."

"A few." she admitted

Something that hadn't quite clicked for me before was clear now.

The reason why Bella had never ran from me, not even when I had stared at her with a dark murderous glare. Before she realized she loved me.

She had seen something in me. Before she knew what I was. It was the opposite of my frustration - not being able to read her mind - because she had seen right through to the core of me and liked what she saw. Or... was drawn in enough to never let go.

I smiled widely at my epiphany. Maybe she really was fearless.

"Come on, then," I encouraged. "I'll show you."

* * *

**As always I'll start a round of thank you's. Every review continues to amaze me. And more importantly, it is a huge encouragement to go on. **

**This chapter is one without a real ending or cliffhanger, because we get the full - Carlisle and the start of the Cullen family - story next. **


	11. Carlisle

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and Midnight Sun, its dialogues, the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2008 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**CHAPTER 8: CARLISLE**

I took Bella back down the hall where we came to a halt in front of my father's office.

I knew he could hear us approaching and normally I would have just walked through the door, but since Bella was present, I came to a stop and waited for him to invite us in.

"Come in," Carlisle called through the door, loud enough so _human_ ears could hear.

At my father's cue I opened the door and let Bella in. Carlisle was seated behind his desk, browsing through what appeared to be a medical encyclopaedia, judging from the back of the volume. He placed a bookmark in the pages of the book and he rose from his chair in welcome.

From the corner of my eye I could see Bella gaze around the room in amazement. My father's office was stacked with books, collected over the centuries he existed.

He - and I - had read most of them. Some were studies on human behaviour. Others were just collectables on the past and present of practising medicine. Carlisle owned lots of classics, including one first edition of Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility. Surely Bella, a fan of the classics would love to see it and so I made a mental note to tell her about it later.

Then there were the numerous volumes on myths and legends. Some were laughable, others proved helpful at times. Though none of them referenced to a human and a vampire falling in love. Of course, our story was a unique one.

"What can I do for you?" Carlisle asked us pleasantly

"I wanted to show Bella some of our history," I told him. "Well, your history, actually."

Carlisle's history was _our_ history. Without him there would be no Cullen family. Without him we would have been dead. Or savages.

"We didn't mean to disturb you," Bella apologized.

It was such a human thing to do. Around the house us Cullens usually just walked in on each other. Without the human pretences, we didn't think about trivialities such as the possibility of disturbing one another.

"Not at all. Where are you going to start?" Carlisle asked

"The Waggoner," I replied, as I gently placed my hand on Bella's shoulder to turn her around to face another wall.

This had an interesting effect on Bella. Her heartbeat started drumming at a faster pace. Not so long ago, I had assumed that the staggering of Bella's heart beat - this happened whenever I looked at her or touched her - occurred out of fear. I thought about Mrs. Cope and how she had clearly lusted after me. A disturbing thought, not in the least because I was her elder by at least sixty years. But, her heart beat had usually given me the idea that I was attractive and not a thing to fear - little did Mrs. Cope know - and so occasionally, I was still amazed that I had the same effect on Bella and that it seemed very likely, that I had never scared her as much as I had been an attraction for her. I thought about my newly found epiphany; how - for some unexplainable and almost unphantomable - reason, her fascination - later transformed into love - for me had been bigger than a natural sense to fear and shy away from me. Of course, Isabella Swan seemed to have very little fear in her.

The change in Bella's heart did no go unnoticed.

_Well, well you have quite the effect on her heart_, my father silently mused

Bella must have known her heart was audible to both my father as well as myself, because she turned red immediately and kept her face focussed on the wall.

This wall we were facing now was hung with a wide collection of paintings. Some were elaborate in their colours, others painted in a more monochrome motive.

Each and every one of the canvases had its own story to tell.

We started at the left side of the wall. This painting - The Waggoner - was small and almost unnoticeable amongst some of the grander pieces hanging there.

It had been painted in several tones of sepia, perhaps to underline the dreary lifetimes of London in the sixteen-hundreds. It was most likely the idea that back in those days the variation in existing colours was less exuberant or perhaps the painter decided to keep the colours more grim to paint a more powerful and realistic painting.

"London in the sixteen-fifties," I explained

I could hear Carlisle approaching behind us. I also knew Bella couldn't hear that.

"The London of my youth," Carlisle added.

I felt Bella flinch at my side, startled by my father's voice. Her heart picked up a more rapid pace again. I softly squeezed her hand in comfort and after a few seconds her heart found a steadier rhythm.

"Will you tell the story?" I asked.

My father was a compelling storyteller. He used that talent, and his soothing voice, as a town doctor now. No matter what people in Forks thought about the Cullens, their suspicions and even sometimes their unease were always diminished when they met my father. I knew for a fact he had an effect on the heart beats of the patients at the hospital. And not because he scared people, but definitely because he attracted them. I had envied that before, but now that I had found to have the same effect on Bella's heart, this envy had vanished all together. I knew I could attract people if I needed to, but that was using the false power of pretence our vampire nature held. I was happy to attract Bella in earnest - human - ways.

Bella looked at Carlisle in anticipation and he smiled at her.

"I would," he replied. "But I'm actually running a bit late. The hospital called this morning — Dr. Snow is taking a sick day. Besides, you know the stories as well as I do," he added, grinning widely at me.

He gave Bella another well meant smile as he made way out of the room.

There was nothing but silence for a few seconds. I knew Bella was still trying to make sense of it all. I observed her carefully and monitored her heart and lungs but I couldn't precisely tell what her state of mind was now. She kept her eyes locked away from mine, so I could read nothing in them. Perhaps she was contemplating whether or not she wanted to know more.

"What happened then?" Bella asked after a while, finally meeting my gaze, "When he realized what had happened to him?"

Apparently, she wanted to know more.

I looked at the paintings to pick the one that could explain the story of Carlisle's transformation best. My eyes wandered to a larger canvas which displayed a landscape in monotone fall colours, a meadow hiding in the shadows, surrounded by dark woods with a small peak in the distance.

The grim vision of that meadow momentarily brought back my own haunting memories of Alice's mortifying vision of my - well now our - meadow and I was more than thankful I had managed to divert it. Still, staring at the painting made me feel uneasy. The meadow displayed screamed of horror and darkness and was nothing like the meadow of yesterday afternoon. Of course, our meadow could have easily become a meadow of mayhem as well. The idea of that made me shudder internally. I wondered if Bella had made the connection. I hoped she didn't and wouldn't. Our meadow would be one of happy memories, despite my initial erratic behaviour.

"When he knew what he had become," I spoke quietly, "he rebelled against it. He tried to destroy himself. But that's not easily done."

I felt a great reluctance when talking about this particular subject. And I could tell Bella wasn't feeling that comfortable either, as she gazed at me in shock.

"How?" she gasped

"He jumped from great heights. He tried to drown himself in the ocean… but he was young to the new life, and very strong. It is amazing that he was able to resist…feeding… while he was still so new. The instinct is more powerful then, it takes over everything. But he was so repelled by himself that he had the strength to try to kill himself with starvation." I answered, hoping to sound neutral about it.

A part of it was truly _amazing, _when truly thinking about it. One had to wonder how my father had managed to stray from temptation, to try and kill the monster he had become. No other newborn would have had the strength.

"Is that possible?" Bella asked, her voice weak

"No, there are very few ways we can be killed." I told her.

I wasn't about to let Bella ponder or even have the opportunity to ask which ways they were and so I continued the story before she had the chance to dwell on it.

"So he grew very hungry, and eventually weak. He strayed as far as he could from the human populace, recognizing that his willpower was weakening, too. For months he wandered by night, seeking the loneliest places, loathing himself." I went on

Carlisle had been hiding in a meadow similar to the one painted on the canvas we were standing in front of. The dark shadows had seemed befitting to his state of mind. Not only had it been safer to hide in the dark of the woods, but it also protected the humans from his crumbling strength to want to feed on their blood. The darkness of the forest. hovering over the meadow, still reminiscent of the one where I had exposed myself to Bella - had been Carlisle's reminder as to what he had become and why it was pivotal he'd never expose himself to anyone, avoiding the risks of killing someone in a terrible moment of weak behaviour.

But the thirst had grown and grown to unbearable proportions. It had taken Carlisle the greatest amount of restraint to not head back to town and feed on his frenzy.

"One night, a herd of deer passed his hiding place. He was so wild with thirst that he attacked without a thought. His strength returned and he realized there was an alternative to being the vile monster he feared. Had he not eaten venison in his former life? Over the next months his new philosophy was born. He could exist without being a demon. He found himself again." I told Bella

That night had been a turning point for Carlisle. He had been on the verge of giving up, of just letting go of his hard fought principles and feed. The herd had not only saved him but it also gave him the inspiration to become a different kind of vampire. Not a killer, but someone who - despite immortality and the burden that came with that - could live a life again.

He'd travel from large cities to smaller villages, always making sure there would be some kind of animal he could feed on, knowing the risk of being tempted to hunt after people was still very apparent. This was not always easy; the closer he stayed to city limits, the less variation there was. There had often been times where my father could only feed on vermin or rodents. They made an elk seem like a human Christmas meal. But he learned to feed out of need; saturation instead of longing. His hunger was based on survival, on defying this beastlike nature and had nothing to do with tasting the most exquisite of bloods.

"He began to make better use of his time. He'd always been intelligent, eager to learn. Now he had unlimited time before him. He studied by night, planned by day. He swam to France and —"

"He swam to France?" Bella interrupted, eyes wide as she probably tried to picture Carlisle struggling against the current of the strong waters.

"People swim the Channel all the time, Bella," I reminded her.

"That's true, I guess. It just sounded funny in that context. Go on." she pressed

"Swimming is easy for us —", I explained

"Everything is easy for you," Bella retorted

I kept silent as I watched her. _This_ I could handle. Not a Bella in shock, but one with a hint of sarcasm in her voice and that crease between her eyebrows, eyes flickering with intuition. This Bella wasn't afraid. I had no worries this Bella would turn and run. This Bella actually amused me.

She noticed my expression and held her hands up in apology. "I won't interrupt again, I promise."

I had to chuckle at this, knowing that what I was about to say, would make her forget that small promise instantly.

"Because, technically, we don't need to breathe." I said, waiting for Bella to react

"You —", Bella started.

"No, no, you promised." I laughed, as I softly pressed a finger against her lips. Not just to refrain her from speaking but also because I liked the way it started to tingle when caressed by Bella's breath.

"Do you want to hear the story or not?" I asked

"You can't spring something like that on me, and then expect me not to say anything," she mumbled against my finger, her breath blazing against it.

I lifted my finger and trailed my hand down her cheek to let it rest against her neck. I could feel her blood pulsing erratically against my fingers and while that would have sent me into a rush of wanting to taste her not so long ago, I felt at ease now. And I really did not mind the warmth of her unsteady pulse - it was nice to still have that effect on Bella - against my hand.

"You don't have to breathe?" she demanded.

"No, it's not necessary. Just a habit." I shrugged.

"How long can you go… without breathing?" Bella wondered, small shock building in her voice.

"Indefinitely, I suppose; I don't know. It gets a bit uncomfortable — being without a sense of smell." I explained

Like all the times I had held my breath in fear of smelling Bella and doing something mad. Despite the fact it had kept her safe, it had certainly made me feel powerless. But perhaps that had been a good thing too. Nothing like a powerful vampire lusting for very potent blood. A very bad combination indeed.

"A bit uncomfortable," Bella echoed.

Her eyes grew wide and alarmed. Shell shocked almost. I could not see any intuition, sarcasm or even fascination now. It was like all these things were processing and as she tried to make sense of it all, she only got more confused.

_Afraid,_ perhaps.

If she finally would become scared, maybe she'd turn and run. How could she not? There was so much she had dealt with in regards to my nature and all of what I had told her and had shown her. She had accepted all of it, like it was perfectly normal. But it _wasn't. _

And although the epiphany I had earlier - the one where I had concluded for myself that Bella's fascination and love outweighed the horror and the fear and that had been the reason why she hadn't ran when she had found out what I was - still lingered in the back of my mind, I had to realize and take into consideration that I could be wrong. I could not read Bella's mind and I felt far from intuitive when it came to her - usually wrongly anticipated - reactions. Perhaps I had only willed this epiphany upon myself and maybe these were our final moments together. It felt silly to think that - I knew I should have more faith in Bella - but I could never take anything for granted. Because as soon as I'd start to do that, things were most likely to slip away from me.

The thing was; the more Bella knew about my nature and about my family history, the more she would come to realize that it was all too much. And in fairness, it was. It was not for nothing that my father owned books on legends and myths. As ridiculous as they were, most humans could live with the explanations that none of it was real. To know and believe in the reality of vampires and such was asking a lot and jeopardized the sanity of people. Bella had discovered our nature by herself - albeit with a little help from Jacob Black - and maybe that had given her enough time to adjust to this bizarre truth. Still, I had also exposed her to my monstrous nature and although she had accepted this too, it would make perfect sense if she'd finally reach a breaking point and leave me.

This depressed me to the core. I dropped my hand from the warmth of her neck and stood there in silence. I gave myself one last moment to take her in completely before she'd turn and finally leave.

Nothing but a silence to accompany a lingering goodbye.

Bella returned my stare and frowned in worry. "What is it?" she whispered, as she reached out to brush her fingers against my cheek.

Alright, where was the running? How could I keep waiting for it to happen, when it never did? Would I ever refrain from worrying about that?

_Not likely._

Her eyes were free from panic now, all I could see in them was the worry she felt because she thought something was wrong with _me_. Once again, I had underestimated her, letting my fear of losing her and my selfish ways of wanting to keep her clash and take me over. Her warm hand - it felt like my face was being touched by the purest of silk - eased my worries instantly and once again I felt a fool for not believing in Bella's love completely. So far I had yet to be proved right in my theory that I loved her more than she loved me. If this wasn't entirely equal - the love, the devotion and perhaps even the madness about how strong they both were - than one of us would have left by now.

I sighed. "I keep waiting for it to happen." I told her.

"For what to happen?" Bella wondered

"I know that at some point, something I tell you or something you see is going to be too much. And then you'll run away from me, screaming as you go."

_And then all meaning and purpose cease to exist. I'd cease to exist._

I curled up my lips into a small smile, hoping to sound and look less serious, but in Bella's eyes I could see how mine did not reflect any hint of humour.

"I won't stop you. I want this to happen, because I want you to be safe. And yet, I want to be with you. The two desires are impossible to reconcile…" I said as I stared at her.

The truth was I _would _probably stop her, self absorbed as I was. I couldn't imagine that I would actually let her go. My desire to be with her was much larger than the idea that she'd be safer if she were away from me.

This was insane, of course. Bella would be far better off, if she did in fact stay away from me. That had been the most obvious thing from the beginning.

And although everything had changed since then and it was almost impossible to even consider that the absence of Bella in my life would be tolerable for me, it still remained the most rational and sensible thing.

That way Bella could live without the secret burden of Alice's vision hanging over her head like Damocles sword. Not to mention, my enduring fight to keep self control when I was with her. It all seemed so normal, but that was only on the surface. The truth was none of this was normal. It was a continuing struggle for me. I could push back the burn. I could let love rule my actions but I always needed to be careful and that cost me a lot of strength, especially on a mental level. I gladly did this, but I could only push away the worries I had for the future for so long. There would always be something and maybe it would be better if she did run away.

"I'm not running anywhere," she promised.

I really wanted to believe her. Or rather, I wanted to believe that she would never have to. I thought about my earlier epiphany and how it had been so clear to me, why she would not run. Her fascination was bigger. Her love was bigger. But how big did all of that need to be for us staying together to make any sense? What was tolerable? What was acceptable??

Better yet, even if she never ran, how fair was it to subject her to the dangers and outlandish things that upheld my nature. I could touch her without having the burn in my throat taking me over; I could kiss her and pull away in time. But if my kisses left her literally breathless, than I was jeopardizing her life constantly.

_But_ the alternative; - being sensible and leave, whether it was her or me - what kind of damage would that do? Love wasn't rational, this much I had learned recently. So if rational behaviour wasn't going to do any more good than going about things in an irrational matter than why even consider it?

"We'll see," I said.

Time would tell if Bella would stay. Or if I'd be strong enough to leave. I'd dare not place money on either option and I doubted if Alice could even moister up a clear vision about it. Her strongest vision - the one I loathed and was determined to fight and alter - hinted neither of us would ever leave, but Alice had been wrong before. And although I held on to the idea of Bella not leaving me and I being strong enough to stay in control, I knew that hope could be proven idle.

"So, go on — Carlisle was swimming to France." Bella urged, allowing me to refocus on the story telling, allowing me to push my worries away again for a while.

I looked at the biggest painting - and the most colourful - of all, which hung next to the door. Its content was an interesting one.

"Carlisle swam to France, and continued on through Europe, to the universities there. By night he studied music, science, medicine — and found his calling, his penance, in that, in saving human lives." I continued.

My father had been eager to learn. All he wanted to do was give his immortal life the kind of meaning in which it would serve others. He was completely devoted to helping and saving humans instead of killing them. He was entirely selfless and hoped that what he did with his immortal life would make enough of a difference to not being accounted for as a monster.

"I can't adequately describe the struggle; it took Carlisle two centuries of torturous effort to perfect his self-control. Now he is all but immune to the scent of human blood, and he is able to do the work he loves without agony. He finds a great deal of peace there, at the hospital…" I trailed off as I stared into the distance, thinking about how I had envied Carlisle in the hospital when Bella was there after the accident with Tyler's van. How I had longed to be able to touch her. How I wished that I was strong enough to become immune to her blood.

But it seemed unlikely that would ever happen. I could control the bloodlust and ignore its potence to a great extent, but I would never be insusceptible to it.

"He was studying in Italy when he discovered the others there. They were much more civilized and educated than the wraiths of the London sewers." I continued

I traced my fingers along the figures and the chaos and mayhem the painting showed.

_The Volturi._ Carlisle had been a part of the highest educated group of vampires that existed. They had looked at the savages with discontent, feeling like they needed to set an example and turn chaos into order, even in the world of the so called supernatural.

I noticed how Bella nervously smiled as she realized the golden haired figure in the painting represented Carlisle.

"Solimena was greatly inspired by Carlisle's friends. He often painted them as gods," I chuckled.

Only because the painter had no idea that the ones that inspired him were more like hell bound creatures than he could ever imagine. There were nothing godlike, except as everlasting perhaps. Although he had died at an old age, rumour had it; his death had been caused by a vampire attack. Despite any concrete proof, it had inspired the Volturi even more to reign in the savages and lay the ground works for a more civilized way of existing. Now, centuries later these so called rules had proved to work. Most savages upheld a certain humane pose, even if it was only used to hunt their prey. The Volturi did not mind this. The only thing they were truly concerned about was not being found out.

"Aro, Marcus, Caius," I said, pointing out the figures painted next to Carlisle "Night-time patrons of the arts."

"What happened to them?" Bella wondered aloud, as her fingertip hovered a centimetre from the figures on the canvas.

"They're still there." I shrugged. "As they have been for who knows how many millennia. Carlisle stayed with them only for a short time, just a few decades. He greatly admired their civility, their refinement, but they persisted in trying to cure his aversion to 'his natural food source,' as they called it. They tried to persuade him, and he tried to persuade them, to no avail. At that point, Carlisle decided to try the New World. He dreamed of finding others like himself. He was very lonely, you see."

The loneliness had been eating away at my father. His eagerness to learn and find ways to make the immortal life he had been given - to him it had become a strange blessing, instead of a insufferable burden - meaningful had drowned out the loneliness for a long time. But as the decades passed, Carlisle had found he wanted to find like minded souls. He knew it would not be easy to cross paths with them, nor was there any proof they existed. He could not be sure there were newborns or older vampires who could be sold on his way of living and his failed attempts to have the Volturi adapt to his philosophy had proved it was certainly not easy to find a companion.

"He didn't find anyone for a long time. But, as monsters became the stuff of fairy tales, he found he could interact with unsuspecting humans as if he were one of them. He began practicing medicine. But the companionship he craved evaded him; he couldn't risk familiarity."

Carlisle had been tempted to befriend some of the humans he treated as a doctor, but he had many reasons for never truly trying. First, the problem had been his restraint. His abstinence did not come easy and it took him a great amount of self control to help patients. Secondly; to get closer to a human, knowing he wasn't like them, the risk of being found out was too big. And then there was the loss, if he would have allowed himself too close to one.

And now we had been._ Found out_. And I knew better than any one what would happen if I'd lose _this particular human_ who knew what we were.

_I'd die_. All over again. And it wouldn't be as easy like the first time had been.

It would be a torment of an indescribable kind.

"When the influenza epidemic hit, he was working nights in a hospital in Chicago. He'd been turning over an idea in his mind for several years, and he had almost decided to act — since he couldn't find a companion, he would create one. He wasn't absolutely sure how his own transformation had occurred, so he was hesitant. And he was loath to steal anyone's life the way his had been stolen. It was in that frame of mind that he found me. There was no hope for me; I was left in a ward with the dying. He had nursed my parents, and knew I was alone. He decided to try…" I whispered.

I turned my head and gazed out the window, painful images of my final human moments playing in my mind. I barely noticed how Bella was looking at me in curiosity, because momentarily I was too caught up in my own story.

_My final moments_.

I remembered the darkness of the room. It contrasted with the bright white aura I kept seeing in my mind. It was a cliché, but there really had been a light at the end of something - a tunnel perhaps- and I vaguely recalled how I was longing to let go, how I wanted to sleep. I could hear my mother calling me and I kept seeing her face in my mind - it was one of the clearest memories I had of her - all I had to do was reach out and be with her.

_Home_.

But then there was that other image. Fogged -like an illusion - that kept moving into my vision. I was no longer aware whether or not I was still opening my eyes to see this mirage, but I did know it was a man. He occasionally pressed against my forehead with something wet - a cloth to ease the fever perhaps - and sometimes he murmured words that held no logic for me. Maybe he had been praying for me, maybe he hoped I'd stay alert if he spoke to me.

I had no idea that this man would be my saviour. Eventually, as the hours past during my final night as a human - I lost track of everything. Time and place, minutes and seconds became interchangeable.

My body had gone numb, I felt the influenza monster slowly take down my insides and I was too weak to fight. My dreams of becoming a soldier, defending my country and make my mother proud were captured by the illness and soon there was nothing left of me.

There was one moment where I had felt the atmosphere change; the air in the room had been replaced with a cooler breeze, like I had been outside.

But then...just as I thought I had reached my mother's voice and I felt that I could almost bury myself safely in her arms, there was a pain much sharper than the deathly microbes spreading through me. I could no longer think, because the scorching flames that burned through the core of my body - it felt like my skin, bones, muscles and veins had been set on fire and were slowly melting away - made it impossible to concentrate on anything.

It felt like forever had passed until I finally started to make sense of place and time again. And when the fire halted my heart beat to a stop, I was saved.

_Reborn._

But far from redeemed.

In my early years as a newborn I could not have imagined how much the fight to remain human in a way, would be worth it in the end. How the defiance of a monster would be the right thing to do. Like a reward for temperance, Bella had been presented to me.

This made me smile as I faced her again.

"And so we've come full circle," I concluded.

"Have you always stayed with Carlisle, then?" Bella wondered.

"Almost always." I answered as I put my arm around her, my hand lightly pressing on her waist to pull her through the door and down the hall. Bella turned her head at the door to give the pictured wall a final glance.

The crease between her eye-brows gave away her new found fascination with the stories of my family.

I could tell Bella was staring at me now and it seemed like she was lightly frustrated the stories had ended. The fear had been replaced with curiosity.

"Almost?" she pressed with curiosity.

Of course, Bella would not let it go. With her build in radar of intuition she could tell I was reluctant to answer.

"Well, I had a typical bout of rebellious adolescence — about ten years after I was… born… created, whatever you want to call it. I wasn't sold on his life of abstinence, and I resented him for curbing my appetite. So I went off on my own for a time." I sighed, trying to hide my embarrassment about that time in my new life.

"Really?" Bella asked, seemingly intrigued by my answer.

This surprised me less than I had expected. We had never openly talked about whether or not I had ever taken a human life. But now that I confessed to it, Bella seemed almost casual about it.

"That doesn't repulse you?" I mused as I took us up another flight of stairs that made way to another hall way.

"No.", she answered.

"Why not?" I wondered.

I had been a killer. Surely this wasn't something she could understand and even accept.

"I guess… it sounds reasonable." Bella told me.

_Reasonable._ I laughed loudly at her wording. Yes, it had been very reasonable I had left my vegetarian family and went off to feed on humans instead.

"From the time of my new birth," I explained, "I had the advantage of knowing what everyone around me was thinking, both human and non-human alike. That's why it took me ten years to defy Carlisle — I could read his perfect sincerity, understand exactly why he lived the way he did."

Carlisle's philosophy was the only one that made our fiendish existence mean anything more than just being a killer by nature. If we refrained from harming humans than we did not do so badly. And Carlisle put every ounce of himself in this belief.

But I hadn't been as strong as my father. I had to fight myself every day to not give in to the longing for pure and rich human blood. Carlisle did not believe in reigning me in completely, he had felt that the only way to adapt to his 'vegetarian' way of living - he had always insisted on calling what we tried to do 'living', convinced we had a right to a so called life and not merely to an existence - was to let the body adapt to _wanting to_ refrain from drinking human blood. So, if the yearning was too big and the body protested than it made no sense to not give in, was his odd conclusion. He said that committing to his vision could only work if newborns truly wanted it and tested their self control over and over and succeed. For a while, I didn't. I simply could not. I needed the sweeter taster of human blood running through my body. I had longed to give in to the temptation.

I had been _weak._

"It took me only a few years to return to Carlisle and recommit to his vision. I thought I would be exempt from the… depression… that accompanies a conscience. Because I knew the thoughts of my prey, I could pass over the innocent and pursue only the evil. If I followed a murderer down a dark alley where he stalked a young girl — if I saved her, then surely I wasn't so terrible." I whispered.

There had been rapists and murderers. And the young girls they had picked as their victims. There was a strange irony in the fact that instead of picking the young girls - their blood surely more and desirable than that of their dangerous suitors - I picked the stale thick blood of the brutal men hunting after them. The hunter _hunting_ other hunters. It had made sense at the time. Killing two birds with one stone in a way; fulfilling my lust for human blood and being a protector at the same time. Of course that logic did not hold up for long when I had regained true consciousness about my nature and the realization of what my killings meant, send me into a depression.

So when I did return to my parents, I could not escape the pool of dismay I almost drowned in. Murderers, rapists, it didn't matter what the revolting criminals I stalked had done, they were still humans. With human blood. And every time I took a life, I'd defy my father's beliefs and the disappointment pained me as much as the idea I was as bad as the vicious people I had killed.

"But as time went on, I began to see the monster in my eyes. I couldn't escape the debt of so much human life taken, no matter how justified. And I went back to Carlisle and Esme. They welcomed me back like the prodigal. It was more than I deserved." I told Bella.

They had welcomed me back with open arms. They had accepted my rebellion and were simply happy I had returned to them. But I had never managed to escape those years and it hadn't been until very recently - when I had saved Bella from Tyler's van and on that faithful night Port Angeles, plus not in the very least how I had saved her from _myself_ - that I had felt a little bit better about myself. And it helped me to know Bella saw a man who deserved to be loved in me. And if I could commit to being that man and continue to earn her love, than maybe I could make up for past mistakes in some small way.

We halted in front of the last door in the hall.

"My room," I told her as I opened the door and pulled Bella through.

I gave her a minute to take everything in again. I glanced out the window and then back to Bella. She was still here. She knew everything now, even the horror that I had deliberately and selfishly killed humans - criminals or not - and yet she hadn't ran away.

"Good acoustics?" Bella guessed as she pointed at the black stretched polyester covering the walls.

I chuckled at her casual tone and nodded, picking up a remote to turn on my stereo.

Soon the room filled itself with the soft jazz-like sounds of 3rd Force's - Hands Across The Ocean.

Bella stood in front of my music collection and stared at the covers.

"How do you have these organized?" she asked, as she traced her fingers along the titles.

"Ummm, by year, and then by personal preference within that frame," I said absently.

I stared at her and concentrated on her heart beat which was steady. As was her breath. Here we were, in my room, talking about music. It was the first time I had a girl in my room and although the thought of it was extremely trivial it was true.

Up until moments ago we had talked about my eccentric nature and now we were acting _human_ again. Like the switch was perfectly normal and easy even.

Sometimes all of this still seemed so unbelievable. I was a vampire; I was barely designed and certainly not meant to have a human life. And yet it seemed like I had one now.

Bella turned to look at me.

"What?" she wondered

"I was prepared to feel… relieved. Having you know about everything, not needing to keep secrets from you. But I didn't expect to feel more than that. I like it. It makes me… happy." I shrugged, smiling slightly.

I was happy she knew everything now. _But, _it was not so much the relief that I felt now. It had more to do with that I was happy because she was still here. Still, I could not assume that knowing my entire background story wasn't going to have an effect or some perhaps an after shock. So no, I was not as much relieved as merely happy that for some strange 'defect' in Bella's mind she was simply fearless in regards to all the horror I shared with her.

"I'm glad," she said, smiling back.

She smiled and it warmed me, but the smile didn't completely reach her eyes. There was still a hint of something in there, the realization of how abnormal my nature was, with good reason of course, because it truly was abnormal. I could want her to accept everything, I could even believe she was in fact entirely fearless, but when it came down to it, I could not expect her to be completely alright with it. It was a lot to take in and also a lot to consider. No one should have to accept the reality of monster stories and pretend it were perfectly normal every day things.

_That _was asking way too much.

"You're still waiting for the running and the screaming, aren't you?" Bella guessed as she easily dissected my expression. Once again proving she had the better grasp on my thoughts than I on hers.

I nodded and flashed her a small smile.

"I hate to burst your bubble, but you're really not as scary as you think you are. I don't find you scary at all, actually," Bella retorted casually.

I could hear her heart skip a beat and I knew she was lying. That was alright though, I did not mind if she was in fact scared of me a little. It kept her - and myself - alert.

Still, to come right out and say she wasn't scared - even teasing me about it - brought back a whole new wave of disbelief.

_And amusement_.

She was not scared of me, was she? Well, if she wanted to treat this as I joke, than so would I...

"You _really_ shouldn't have said that," I chuckled.

I shifted my body into a crouch as I growled. I flashed Bella my teeth and smiled a wicked smile.

"You wouldn't.", Bella said, glaring at me in warning

Instantly I leaped at her, putting my arms securely around her as we flew through the air only to be stopped by the black leather sofa that crashed into the wall because of the impossible speed.

I kept Bella in my iron grip as I held her against my chest, her heart beating forcefully against my silent one. I could hear how her breath was faltering. She stared at me with a bewildered and slightly cautious expression.

I smiled at her widely in reassurance and this seemed to relax her a little. Although her cheeks displayed freshly spilled scarlet specks.

"You were saying?" I growled playfully.

."That you are a very, very terrifying monster," she said, her voice filled with a mixture of sarcasm and breathlessness.

"Much better," I approved.

"Um." Bella struggled. "Can I get up now?"

_Not a chance._ I was enjoying holding her so close to me - her heart echoing against my own - far too much.

I could hear footsteps - and fresh thoughts - approaching.

_Edward, what are you doing, do I need to intervene here?_ Alice's thoughts reached me from the hall.

She wished. Alice was an extremist when it came to meddling in.

"Can we come in?" she asked aloud, probably for Bella's benefit. She usually just barged in.

Bella tried to free herself from my tight grip, probably worried about what my siblings outside the door would assume - her burning cheeks proved me right on this - but all I did was seat her on my lap a bit more conventionally, still keeping my arms around her tightly, breathing in her dazzling scent, her body temperature warming me like the sun on a hot summer day.

Alice and Jasper were standing in the doorway, human pretences halting them from walking right through.

"Go ahead." I chuckled

Alice staggered right in, enthusiasm beaming off her face. She sank to the floor and smiled at us in anticipation. Jasper was wary. He stared at me and Bella and our display of affection in pure disbelief.

_How does Edward do it?! His throat must be burning with mad thirst. I smelled Bella down the hall and I have to focus hard to not trail off and think about her blood pulsing through her veins, her heart - a very strong heart too - the smell of it coming through her skin....It's astounding. Almost impossible to not think about. _He mused.

_Ah! What was he doing!_

If Jasper started thinking about Bella's incredible blood and how she smelled, in the way a hunter would, than so would I and I tried my hardest to not focus on that, to not see Bella as a prey rather than my love.

My eyes met Jasper's in an instance and I could see my desperate warning - wanting to reel him in with my ice-cold glare - reflected in his wary stare.

_Sorry Edward. It's just...you are holding her so close. I can't imagine or even understand how you do it. I can't even begin to believe I could ever be that strong._

That was as simple as it seemed difficult. I did it because I loved her more than anything. Because she was everything. _My life_. And mad thirst or not, I could not even imagine going after her blood anymore. That kind of temporary satisfaction was nothing compared to what I had now.

Still. I knew Jasper was having a hard time with this - a human close by, on his territory no less - but he was simply to stay away from such thoughts. I'd physically stop him if he'd come near Bella, brother or not.

To be fair, he was right about the burn. My throat felt like it was on permanent fire. I could control it, because the bloodlust was gone. Bella's blood would always be the most potent, but I'd never hurt her for it. You did not hurt the one you loved. How could you. Hurting them would hurt you more. Jasper - who loved Alice immensely - surely understood this.

"It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share," Alice announced, breaking the silence and the tension I felt at Jasper's thoughts. Jasper seemed to relax a little too, now that he was refocusing his attention on Alice.

I felt Bella flinch at Alice's words in my arms and so I pulled her closer to me as I gently let one of my finger trace her lower back.

"Sorry, I don't believe I have enough to spare," I replied smilingly, breathing in Bella's effectively blazing scent.

"Actually," Jasper said, smiling as he slowly walked into the room "Alice says there's going to be a real storm tonight, and Emmett wants to play ball. Are you game?"

_Emmett and Rosalie will be back from their trip within the hour_. He silently added.

I wanted to be game. Like humans had their barbecues and book clubs, we played thunder ball. It was our own way of spending time with each other.

Of course, now I was stuck with a dilemma. I wanted to play and spend time with my family - I had been very negligent lately - but at the same time I didn't want to let the girl in my arms go.

Alice noticed my hesitation and rolled her eyes at me - discretely so that Bella wouldn't notice - like she didn't understand what I could be fussing about.

"Of course you should bring Bella," Alice chirped aloud.

_Is that a good idea?_ Jasper mused silently as he stared at Alice in worry.

Why would it not be? Bella might not have been a huge sports fan, but I could not think of any reason why she should not watch. Plus, I was kind of looking forward to having her there and show off for her.

_So very human of me_, I shamefully concluded. Especially because impressing Bella with sports would probably be the last thing she'd care about.

"Do you want to go?" I wondered, barely able to contain my excitement

"Sure." Bella smiled "Um, where are we going?", she wondered.

"We have to wait for thunder to play ball — you'll see why," I promised.

"Will I need an umbrella?" Bella asked, looking at my sister.

Alice, Jasper and I had to laugh at this all too human question.

"Will she?" Jasper asked Alice.

"No." She was positive. "The storm will hit over town. It should be dry enough in the clearing."

"Good, then," Jasper concluded with enthusiasm.

"Let's go see if Carlisle will come." Alice said as she rose and flitted out the door, Jasper following her.

"Like you don't know," Jasper teased, as he subtlety closed the door behind him.

"What will we be playing?" Bella demanded.

"_You_ will be watching," I clarified. "_We_ will be playing baseball."

Bella rolled her eyes at this. "Vampires like baseball?"

"It's the American pastime," I said, as I mocked the importance of the game for most humans.

Bella gave me a small smile and in my excitement I could not help but brush my lips against her cheek, feeling it burn under my touch. She gently put her head on my shoulder, while I hummed along with the stereo.

And all that was difficult, surreal or even unacceptable about our relationship faded away.

For the moment, we had trapped ourselves in the beauty of being together.

* * *

**This chapter is relatively short (for me anyway :P) and some of it is made up. Parts of the Carlisle and Edward story have no real book reference. Also I added that last little bit because I wanted to give it a little wrap up. These past two chapters were a slow build up to the action that's about to kick off with "The Game".**

**And yes, Edward's back to greatly obsessing about things again. Poor fellow :P**

**Last, as always; Thanks for all your reviews. I keep saying it, but it's really one of the reasons I keep going and still get excited when starting a new chapter. It's nice to know people appreciate this :)**


	12. The Game

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and Midnight Sun, its dialogues, the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2008 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**CHAPTER 9: THE GAME**

Playing pretend, sinking into sweet oblivion in my room didn't last as long as I would have liked. Then again, holding Bella in my arms was something that could never last long enough for me. I would always want more time than we were given.

The afternoon had been nothing short of peaceful and wonderful. To me at least though I was sure Bella would probably feel the same.

Most of it had been spend on my sofa, listening to my broad collection of music - well Bella did, I had been far too busy focussing on the soothing rhythm of her heart - while Bella lounged in my arms. We hadn't spoken much, because there had been little reason for words. The silence held all of the communication we needed. I had found that the more I looked into her eyes, the easier it got to see a glimpse of her mind. Of course, gazing at her usually meant that I would drown in those brown pools with a depth that seemed endless, making sure that even a time accurate vampire such as myself would lose track of everything around him.

The equality of dazzling each other had yet to wear off. And it did not help me that her scent still managed to hit me with great force. The effects of it were different than before though.

Like right now, sitting in her truck. The space was confined and preserved her scent completely. Occasionally, I'd breathe in deep and although my nostrils and throat still burned like they did that first day, it no longer awakened my bloodlust. It did however awaken this odd sensation in the pit of my stomach. Hollow for so long, I could feel a yearning emerging and spreading through my body. It was very similar to the ever present electricity between us.

This feeling was strengthened by the fact we were holding hands.

It all felt so natural now, I was relieved to no longer have to worry about the effect my cool skin would have on her, since Bella seemed perfectly content to be holding my hand. We were passed all that.

It was strange how in one weekend everything had fallen into place. Bella and I were together now, completely together. My family - minus Rosalie and to a lesser extent Jasper; though I knew with him it was not disapproval but a sense of self protection - had easily welcomed Bella into our home. Into our secret.

The only thing missing now was Charlie's approval.

That was the only reason I was driving Bella home right now. I'd rather stay with her or keep her with me but I knew she needed to get home because of Charlie. And this benefitted me too, since she was finally going to tell her father about her _boyfriend._

The word was still so foreign to me. Partially because it was simply not a broad enough definition, in my opinion. It was a necessary definition however, since it conveyed all it needed to, to the outside world.

An outside world I was perfectly fine with blocking away and keeping out of our romance.

A desire that strengthened itself when we turned onto Bella's street.

Just as I took a whiff to breathe in the air around me in the truck - assuming it would be Bella's glorious scent mixed in with the moister hanging in the air; rain was coming - I smelled something else. A scent I had picked up on days before.

A scent I_ despised_.

And so, the moment we turned onto her street, I instantly regretted not keeping Bella in my room. She would have been better off there.

Of course I had smelled this vicious change in the air before I saw the black Ford parked in the driveway, but I had hoped that for once my nostrils had been fooling me.

Naturally this was not the case. Alice had been right before, when she had warned me that Billy Black would not let things go and clearly he hadn't.

I could hear the gist of his thoughts screaming at me when we approached the house.

_Charlie needs to know who his daughter has been spending time with. Does Bella even know what she has gotten herself into? Someone needs to warn Charlie so he can interfere._

_Oh Bella knows_, I thought. _She knows exactly what I am and she loves me regardless._ As I tried to calm myself with this knowledge, I got distracted by the thoughts Jacob Black was harbouring.

He wasn't so much forming any clear or coherent thoughts but I could tell he was eager to see Bella again.

Jacob Black was having _a crush_.

I could completely understand _why_ he was having a crush, but that did not mean I liked it. To every male Bella would be pretty - though that was quite the understatement - and I knew I was not the only one interested in Bella. Yet this bothered me. I was as much jealous as I was furious at the idea that this Quileute descendant was interested in Bella. For some reason I could not particularly shake - perhaps some truth that was trying to unveil itself to me - I felt the competition, despite knowing Bella was in no way interested. And Jacob Black's thoughts had been relatively innocent. _But _still. This was not Mike Newton or Tyler Crowley. This felt like someone I needed to reckon with and that frustrated me more than Billy Black, who was clearly here to send a warning out or to even expose my family if he had to.

"Oh, come on! They _are_ allowed to break the treaty now. Well, I'd love to see them try", I growled under my breath, knowing Bella couldn't hear me.

"This is crossing the line." I said furiously

The Quileutes and the Cullens had lived in relative peace for a long time. The treaty had remained in tact perfectly until now. Technically the treaty was mostly built on the rule about us not crossing the border near La Push property but there was that other side to the treaty too. If they were so eager to expose us - and Jacob Black had sort of already broken the treaty by planting the idea in Bella's head - than they'd better be prepared for some repercussions.

"He came to warn Charlie?" Bella guessed horror thick in her voice.

I nodded as I glared in the direction of Bella's house where Billy and Jacob Black, - like harbingers of bad news - were shielded away from the downpour on the small porch, taking us in with both shock and surprise. Bella looked their way too and then glanced back at me.

"Let me deal with this," Bella suggested.

I knew she could see the anger in my eyes and I also knew she was right. It would be far better if she did in fact deal with this. Better than when I did. If I had my way; things would get violent. And that would be very bad. Not just because it would break the treaty indefinitely but also because _people_ could get hurt. And I did not want Bella to be exposed to that. Neither as a victim nor as a witness.

"That's probably best. Be careful, though. The child has no idea." I told her.

Bella rolled her eyes at this. "Jacob is not that much younger than I am," she reminded me.

Her irritation was endearing. I did not think of her as a child - that would be wrong in so many ways - but I did want to distinguish the difference between Bella and Jacob. The absurdity of a pairing between the two of them. Easing my jealousy with the idea of how ridiculous that would be.

"Oh, I know," I assured her with a grin.

Bella sighed then and I could help but silently echo that sigh. I did not want her to leave, especially not under these circumstances.

"Get them inside," I instructed, "so I can leave. I'll be back around dusk."

"Do you want my truck?" Bella offered

It was my turn to roll my eyes. "I could _walk _home faster than this truck moves."

"You don't have to leave," Bella pleaded. Her expression had turned glum, sad.

I gave her a smile. "Actually, I do. After you get rid of them" — I glared at the dark porch, carefully watching the Blacks — "you still have to prepare Charlie to meet your new boyfriend." I grinned.

Bella groaned. "Thanks a lot."

_Of course_. She'd rather deal with the Blacks than with her father.

"I'll be back soon," I promised with a smile. My eyes flickered to the porch one more time and then I leaned in and softly brushed my lips under the edge of her jaw. Her heart reacted to this immediately as it started to boom through the truck. It was a bittersweet reminder of how wonderful our afternoon had been.

Bella took a deep breath and glanced at the porch for a moment before her eyes turned back to me.

"_Soon_," Bella stressed as she opened the door and stepped out into the rain.

All I could do was watch her as she made her way to the front door. I wanted nothing but to stay there and watch her, all to make sure she was going to be safe.

I knew Billy Black wasn't here to harm her. I knew that technically, we were on the same page. I wanted Bella to be just as safe as Billy Black did. But he thought _I_ was the danger and although I could no longer imagine that I would ever deliberately harm her, I would always pose a certain threat. The truth about me being dangerous for Bella was evident, I was stronger than her and I could easily break her. I could not deny that. Still, that was probably not the reason why Billy Black was here. He saw my family and me as enemies that needed to be dealt with. And I hated the idea that he'd use Bella and Charlie in his quest to break the treaty. Mortal enemies or not, it was wrong to provoke us this way. We hadn't trespassed their land and we had always kept to ourselves. The Quileutes on the other hand - albeit innocently and accidentally - had already broken their word by letting one of their descendants - that drat Jacob Black - spreading the tale of the legends like he had. Exposing us like that, despite unintentionally. They certainly did not keep fair standards. Well, if it were to come to a fight, neither would I.

Bella reached her door and let her guests in. As she turned to close the door, she gave me one last glance. Her eyes gave away her mind, like they sometimes did, if I looked for clues in them. Like me, Bella was having separation issues. It seemed that we both felt rather incomplete without the other.

A part of me wanted to get closer to the house to listen in on what Billy Black was going to say. But I realized that it would be best to stay away, knowing I would get aggressive if either of them would cross Bella.

As I made my way home through the woods, I felt the acceleration of my run calming me down. But, as the anger subsided, it got replaced with a round of new worries about what Billy Black was going to tell Bella. And Charlie. I knew he had nothing that would turn Bella against me, but that was probably not his main goal. He was there to warn Charlie.

I wondered if Billy Black would go as far as to tell Charlie the truth. I seriously doubted he would, knowing that would mean he'd have to give an explanation about his knowledge of what we were. Surely he could not come out and tell Charlie we were vampires and it seemed quite likely he would not.

Still, he could plant the seed; he could simply tell Charlie I was a bad influence, forcing Charlie to forbid Bella to see me. I could easily disobey those orders without Charlie finding out - I sort of already did this by entering Chief Swan's house through a window and staying in his daughter's room without him knowing - and I knew Bella wouldn't mind one bit if I did this - she'd probably only encourage it - but it would not be fair to put Bella up against her father like this.

By the time I arrived home I was feeling somewhat calmer, but not that much more confident. My worries were much alike the last time Billy Black had visited Bella. We had never spoken about what had taken place then - had that really only been a few days ago - and I knew my worries only stemmed from the fact I did not want to lose Bella. But still it felt like we were always trying to beat the odds. One worry would subside, only to make room for two new ones. So much for care-free love.

I entered the house and found that Rosalie and Emmett had returned from their trip. They paid little attention to me and focussed on watching the television. I found Alice sitting behind her computer while Carlisle was gathering up the equipment for the game. Esme and Jasper were absent but I could pick from Carlisle's mind that they were hunting nearby.

"Hey brother! Ready for the game tonight? We already made teams. Rose, Jazz and I will kick your team's ass, just so you know..!", Emmett grinned, "You can place a bet with Alice if you like, though if you want to make some money on it, you better bet on our team, not your own!", he added

"Sure, whatever you say", I told him absently

_Oh, crap. He is moping again. I thought this girl was supposed to make him happy. Then why does he still seem so glum sometimes. _Emmett mused

"She does make me happy", I retorted angrily

"Chill, OK. She's coming tonight, right?" Emmett informed

"She is..." Alice beamed as she turned away from the computer

_Oh, great, now the human is joining us at family events. What's next? Sleep-overs? _

Naturally, Rosalie was still bitter but I chose to ignore that. I wanted to muse on the sleep-over part though, but that seemed like a bad idea since when I thought of a sleep-over and let my mind wander, there would certainly be little room for sleep. And given my ongoing battle to remain in control around Bella - especially when it came to getting physical _with _Bella - it was not something I could allow myself to dwell on for long.

"Are you sure?" I mused, "Did you have a vision of that? Did you also see Bella is having some unwelcome visitors over right now...?"

"Forget about your worries, Edward. Billy Black will not do any real harm, though he will probably keep a watchful eye. But, again no worries, he won't tell Charlie anything because Bella will shake him off.", Alice assured me, "In fact, I am willing to bet he won't be there much longer..."

It did come in handy sometimes, that little gift Alice had. As long as she did not have visions about Bella becoming one of us - and being very stubborn about holding on to them - than I could certainly appreciate her talent. And it relaxed me a little but not completely. I knew Billy Black would not let this go. And that might present problems later on. Not to mention his son. The way he had looked at Bella combined with his thoughts did not please me one bit.

"If the Blacks tell anyone about us, they are breaking the treaty and if they do, I will gladly...." I threatened

Carlisle interrupted me before I could finish. "Edward, no", he said calmly, "We won't randomly pick a fight. Billy Black is looking out for Bella as much as you are, albeit his motivation is different. "

"I know that, but this interference is ridiculous. It was _his_ son who told Bella about the Cold Ones. About _us. _", I hissed

My anger was no longer really directed at Billy Black but at his teenage son. I had seen the way Jacob had looked at Bella and the more I replayed that image in my head, the more it unnerved me. I hated to act like a human guy, jealous of his girlfriend having interactions with other guys, but Bella was with me. Absurdly possessive or not, that was a fact. And it would remain a fact until Bella would no longer want me. And that in itself seemed as absurd as these flawed human reactions I had developed the past few months.

"Does no one listen to me," Alice muttered, "I just said Bella would handle it."

"What about your other vision?" I wondered, "these nomads you saw are still coming to town?"

"Yes, in a day or two. But they won't come near the border. Nor Bella", she stated

"Because I won't let them," I growled fiercely.

I felt a new frustration at the idea I had left Bella alone, despite the fact the nomads were apparently nowhere near Forks at the moment. It was more the idea there were actual threats out there which could lead to Bella getting hurt. Especially considering I used to be one of those threats. As her number one protector that bothered me greatly. As her boyfriend, the thought pained me to the core. I was tempted to go back to the Swan house straight away, but I kept reminding myself that would do less good than staying here and believing in Alice's promise that Bella would join the baseball game later.

"Speaking of not letting people near Bella...now that she's joining the game tonight, I am hoping to talk to her...a lot," Alice informed me firmly.

"She's _watching,_ not joining. And talking to her means about trivial things. No mention of your 'watchful eyes', agreed?" I demanded

"Whatever Edward. She's my friend. You cannot keep me away..."

"You can talk about the weather or school or whatever it is girls talk about. But you won't mention your visions", I warned her.

"I don't think Bella will appreciate knowing you are so averse to our friendship, Edward. I might tell her that", Alice threatened with a teasing smile

"I am not averse to your friendship, just your opinion on some things", I retorted.

Alice sighed. "I'll be nice. If you'll be nice...."

"I am always nice to Bella..." I teased

"But not to me..." Alice pouted

I ruffled her hair and laughed "Just behave..."

"You better get going. Tardiness is something Chief Swan won't appreciate." Alice said with a smile.

This was enough to get me going. I quickly changed into a more weather appropriate attire - it had started to rain - and headed back to the Swan house.

As I came closer and closer to the house I felt more nervous. I really wanted Bella's father to approve of me. And assess me as someone important in his daughter's life. And not just because of who this guy was - going by myself I was not important in the least - but because Bella had allowed me to be important in her life. Because that meant something to her. Because she had chosen me like I had chosen her.

Chosen_ me._

To be what?_ Her boyfriend_. Would I ever get used to that word. Was there in fact a word that would explain what Bella and I were to each other? Probably not.

I pulled up in front of the house and made my way to the front door. I tried to get the gist of the conversation Bella and her father were having, hoping I could hear for myself that Billy Black's visit had done no damage, but all I picked up on was that Charlie commented on how Bella babying him too much.

I pressed the door bell and waited, so many emotions running through me. A part of me was happy to be here, knowing I'd see Bella again - it was strange how a few hours without her unnerved me so much and ruined my moods more easily. Emmett's thoughts had been on the right track, though misconstrued. Bella did make me happy, it was the time apart from her that got me moping and worrying. But then there was that part of me that was always worrying. If Chief Swan would not like me, than that would be bad. Plus, I was curious at his reaction. Charlie Swan did not strike me as the type of parent who would be thrilled at his daughter dating - though that word also barely covered what it was Bella and I did - a boy, but then again, what parent was? Only mine perhaps, but that had more to do with the fact I had been around far too long to remain alone. My abstinence before Bella had been edging on ridicule. I had maintained my solitary life for decades so Carlisle and Esme had eagerly welcomed the one person who had made my existence into a life, knowing I was finally in a state of happiness, just like they had always wished for me to be and feared I'd never reach.

Charlie opened the door and eyed me without too much suspicion.

I browsed through his mind to find some hidden thoughts that would tell me otherwise, but his thoughts were on the mellow side. He was mostly thinking about sports.

"Come on in, Edward." Charlie invited me formally

Bella let out a sigh and shot me a quick glance. I took her sigh to mean she felt the worst was over. Because to her, _this_ had been the worst. Not what I was or my background story, but _this. _Telling her father she had a boyfriend and having that same boyfriend come over to meet him. _Bella._ Her thoughts and worries were always so different from what they'd ought to be.

"Thanks, Chief Swan," I said, hoping to sound as respectful as I wanted my voice to sound. Apparently it worked, because for the first time - and perhaps this was because I was standing so close - I could hear a clear thought slipping through the barriers of Charlie's mind.

_Those Cullen boys. Always polite. The doctor raised them well._

"Go ahead and call me Charlie. Here, I'll take your jacket." Charlie offered

"Thanks, sir." I smiled as I followed him into the living room. I felt small relief at the ability to finally hear one of Charlie's thoughts. It made me secretly hopeful that if his thoughts weren't entirely under lock and key than maybe somehow, someway I could get access to his daughter's thoughts too.

"Have a seat there, Edward." Charlie pointed

I noticed Bella grimace at this. She was now forced to sit with her father on the sofa as I sat down in the only chair.

She shot me a dirty look which amused and so I winked at her behind Charlie's back.

"So I hear you're getting my girl to watch baseball." Charlie said

_She must like this guy a lot, if she is willing to watch sports._

I liked Charlie's assessment of Bella's willingness to watch sports. I knew she wasn't a fan, but apparently being with me was more important than her dislike for it.

"Yes, sir, that's the plan." I told him

"Well, more power to you, I guess." Charlie praised as he started to laugh.

_Kid's clever. _

I could not help but join him, relieved that he at least seemed to accept me.

"Okay." Bella stood up. "Enough humour at my expense. Let's go."

Bella stalked past us to the hall and we followed her.

"Not too late, Bell." Charlie warned

"Don't worry, Charlie, I'll have her home early," I promised him

"You take care of my girl, all right?" Charlie demanded

Bella groaned at this but Charlie nor I responded to her irritation.

"She'll be safe with me, I promise, sir." I assured him

I wasn't sure if she was irritated by Charlie or me, but I could imagine she felt like we were conspiring against her with Charlie being the overprotective parent and me reassuring him she was in fact going to be protected. I remembered how she hated showing weakness and maybe she felt like we emphasizing her breakableness too much.

Both Charlie and I - like we were in cahoots together, finding everything Bella did either endearing or humorous - laughed again at her irritation. Bella rolled her eyes and walked out the door.

She halted on the porch, eyes wide. I knew _why_ instantly.

Bella was looking at Emmett's shiny red Jeep, which I had borrowed for this occasion. It was big and bulky just like my brother. Quite the thing to see. Hard to miss, with wheels that were big enough to reach someone's waist.

Charlie certainly did not miss it and he let out a low whistle to underline his shock. Mixed with some small appreciation.

_Nice wheels. Kinda big though. Hope it's safe._

"Wear your seat belts," he choked out in advice.

I followed Bella around to her side of the Jeep and opened the door.

For a moment she just stood there, contemplating how to get in, I guessed.

I sighed and then lifted her up into the seat with one hand around her waist.

Then I made my way to my side, at a normal human pace, knowing Charlie would be watching.

"What's all this?" Bella asked as I opened the door.

"It's an off-roading harness." I explained

"Uh-oh.", Bella choked out

She was fidgeting with the buckles, unable to lock them in the right place

I sighed and leaned over to help her, one hand to lock her in, while the other brushed against her collarbone, gladly anticipating the electrifying sting the touch of her skin against my fingers would bring me.

"This is a… um… _big _Jeep you have." Bella commented warily

"It's Emmett's. I didn't think you'd want to run the whole way." I told her

"Where do you keep this thing?" She wondered

"We remodelled one of the outbuildings into a garage." I explained

There was one thing us Cullens all liked and shared. Cars. The speed and the freedom our vehicles gave us had a lot to do with that liking. With enough space around the house, we had plenty of room to store all of them.

"Aren't you going to put on your seat belt?" Bella asked

I looked at her in disbelief. I really did not need that kind of protection. But Bella on the other hand. As much as she hated to be weak, she was breakable. And I could not afford getting her hurt.

As I gazed into her eyes I saw something click in them. Something she hadn't picked up on before but had now. Panic made her eyes grow wide.

"Run the _whole _way? As in, we're still going to run part of the way?" Bella panicked.

"You're not going to run." I grinned, knowing her averseness at my ways of travelling was the reason for her instant worry.

"_I'm _going to be sick." she muttered

"Keep your eyes closed, you'll be fine." I told her

But that did not help, as the panic was still evident. She bit her lip and tried to take deep breaths. All to no avail, since her heart sped up and her breath staggered slightly

I leaned in and pressed my lips against her hair, the moist scent of it burning my nostrils and throat immediately. A part of the burn made its way into the pit of my stomach, bringing forth these eager desires. But then there was always that other part which made me very thirsty, forcing me to let out a groan.

Bella looked at me in wonder.

"You smell so good in the rain," I explained.

"In a good way or in a bad way?" she asked cautiously.

I sighed. "Both, always both."

Both, but most of the time the yearning was winning. The burning of my throat and my nostrils was something I anticipated on every time I was close to Bella and I could handle the discomfort that came with the flames. But then there were the times we'd be apart for a while - luckily that barely happened - which meant I had to grow desensitized all over again. The burn was usually stronger then. But this yearning, the longing her scent brought forth, that was something that still caught me by surprise when it happened.

Eventually we made our way to the clearing where the game would take place. It was a good thing I had Emmett's Jeep, it made it a lot easier to manoeuvre our way up a mountain path. After a while the trees - thick and green, forming large protective walls - started to thin out. By the time we came close to our stop, the rain was merely a drizzle and the sky was clearing up. Alice had been right, as usual.

"Sorry, Bella, we have to go on foot from here.", I told her softly as I parked the Jeep between a few remaining trees that were growing close together, making sure the car was somewhat covered up.

"You know what? I'll just wait here." Bella said nervously.

"What happened to all your courage? You were extraordinary this morning." I murmured.

She'd take monster stories in stride, but was afraid of motion sickness. Her mind continued to puzzle me when it came to these backwards thoughts she had.

"I haven't forgotten the last time yet." she muttered

Neither had I. The run had been perfectly normal for me - like routine - leaving me plenty of room to think about what I had so eagerly wanted to do then.

Kiss Bella. And I had. Of course, thinking about it now meant my longing to kiss her pushed itself to the forefront.

_With excellent timing too_, I thought.

I dashed to her side of the Jeep, opened the door and started to unbuckle her.

"I'll get those, you go on ahead," Bella offered in protest

"Hmmm…" I mused as I finished. "It seems I'm going to have to tamper with your memory."

Perfect timing indeed. I supposed I needed my power to dazzle her, if I wanted her to come along now.

I pulled Bella from the Jeep and put her carefully on the ground.

"Tamper with my memory?" Bella asked nervously.

"Something like that." I smiled

I gazed into her eyes and the yearning I had felt before, when smelling her so intensely, when thinking about our first kiss just now, returned in full force. _That_ combined with the humour I felt at Bella's returning reluctance to my running, made me decide to follow this seductive path of persuasion.

I placed my hands at either side of the Jeep, trapping Bella in between. I leaned in closer to breathe her in. There was no escape for her. Nor for me, as her scent started to cloud my mind. Yes, always that two-sided dazzle.

"Now," I breathed, `what exactly are you worrying about?"

"Well, um, hitting a tree —" Bella gulped "— and dying. And then getting sick."

I fought back a smile. Then I bent my head so that my lips could brush against the hollow at the base of Bella's throat. I could feel her blood pulsing rapidly and my lips warmed themselves instantly by the warmth coming off her skin.

"Are you still worried now?" I murmured softly

"Yes." Bella mumbled, seemingly struggling to concentrate. "About hitting trees and getting sick."

Hmm, I needed _more_ force...upgrading the dazzle, it seemed.

I skimmed my nose against her throat, making my way to her chin. The scent burned me, but soon smouldered into that desperate and very welcome yearning.

"And now?" I whispered

"Trees," Bella gasped. "Motion sickness."

I lifted my face to kiss her eyelids, the softness of her skin caressing my lips.

"Bella, you don't really think I would hit a tree, do you?" I mused softly

"No, but _I _might." Bella panicked

I started to slowly kiss down her cheek, stopping as I reached her mouth. Her staggered breath washed over me, making my hunger grow more and more profound.

"Would I let a tree hurt you?" I said, as I brushed my lips against her trembling lower lip.

"No," Bella breathed.

"You see," I said, my lips catching her heat. "There's nothing to be afraid of, is there?"

"No," Bella sighed, giving up.

I could have left it at that, since my plan of persuasion had clearly worked, but the longing took me over completely. I took her face in my hands and kissed her with as much force as I could allow myself to bear.

As our lips touched, I was momentarily overwhelmed by the fastness with which the electricity made it down my body, into the hollow of my stomach, stirring up new longings, which made me want to kiss Bella longer, fiercer. That distracted me from how Bella reached up and put her arms tightly around my neck - again she was not so delicate and breakable now - and pressed herself against my stone cold body like I was a fire ready to warm her. I would have probably been distracted longer had it not been for Bella parting her lips and exhaling, her breath presenting me with a fresh round of burning flames in my throat.

_That_ sure ruined the moment. The passion I had felt moments before melted away and the thirst ached inside me, suddenly driving me to a small point of insanity. I wanted so much to continue, but I knew I was on the edge of losing control.

I staggered back, breaking Bella's grip effortlessly.

"Damn it, Bella!" I gasped. "You'll be the death of me, I swear you will."

"You're indestructible," Bella mumbled, trying to catch her breath herself.

"I might have believed that before I met _you_. Now let's get out of here before I do something really stupid," I growled.

And I really wanted to do something stupid. Not morbidly stupid, but longingly stupid. But if I started kissing her now, I would not be able to control myself. And that was never a good thing.

I grabbed Bella by her waist as gentle as I could and threw her across my back. She locked her legs around me and secured her hands tightly around my neck. I could feel her warm breath in my neck as she pressed her face against my shoulder.

"Don't forget to close your eyes," I warned severely.

With that I took off running, hoping my excitement and the fear of escalation that came with it would wash away with the adrenalin of running, like I had done in the afternoon when the Blacks had visited.

We reached our destination within minutes and as I halted I reached back and softly brushed Bella's hair to let her know we were there.

"It's over, Bella." I told her.

Bella unlocked herself from my body and slipped to the ground on her back.

"Oh!" she huffed as she hit the wet ground.

For a moment I stared at her wide eyes, surprised at her fall.

Then, I could not help but laugh, bellowing sounds coming from within me.

Bella did not appreciate this as she stood up and started to wipe the mud of her jacket. Her annoyance made me laugh even harder.

This certainly did not please her as she started to stalk off into the forest.

As she went, I locked her in with one arm around her waist.

"Where are you going, Bella?" I chuckled, finding her anger endearing now.

"To watch a baseball game. You don't seem to be interested in playing anymore, but I'm sure the others will have fun without you." she muttered

"You're going the wrong way." I told her.

She turned around and stomped off into the other direction.

Before she made it far, I caught her in my strong grip again.

"Don't be mad, I couldn't help myself. You should have seen your face." I chuckled, unable to stop.

"Oh, you're the only one who's allowed to get mad?" Bella asked, eyebrows raised

"I wasn't mad at you." I assured her

"'Bella, you'll be the death of me'?" Bella quoted, frown still in place

"_That _was simply a statement of fact." I teased

She tried to escape my hold, but I did not let her.

"You were mad," Bella insisted.

"Yes.", I agreed

"But you just said —"

"That I wasn't mad at _you_. Can't you see that, Bella?" I said intensely , "Don't you understand?"

"See what?" Bella demanded

_See what. That as glorious as this is - us being together - it's also insane on my part. Unnatural. Selfish. _

"I'm never angry with you — how could I be? Brave, trusting… warm as you are." I explained

"Then why?" Bella whispered insecurity thick in her voice.

I took hold of her face and stared into her eyes. "I infuriate myself," I said gently. "The way I can't seem to keep from putting you in danger. My very existence puts you at risk. Sometimes I truly hate myself. I should be stronger; I should be able to —"

Bella placed her hand over my mouth. "Don't.", she warned

She knew what I was going to say. How I should be strong enough to leave. How I should have left a long time ago. How these longings could - at any time - turn into a frenzy again. How my self control could very well not be everlasting.

I took her hand and moved it from my lips to my cheek, feeling her warm skin caress me.

"I love you," I said. "It's a poor excuse for what I'm doing, but it's still true."

It was the first time I told her this aloud and it felt more than good. Because it was the only truth that truly mattered. I was selfish and I could not deny that. But I did love her with all I had and that love was bigger than my selfish reasons to stay with her. Bella was in as deep as I was and leaving her would hurt her as much as it would hurt me. So if leaving equalled hurting her than I should never go.

"Now, please try to behave yourself," I warned as I bent to softly press my lips against hers.

Bella held perfectly still -though I could feel her twitch a bit, probably fighting back the urge to get wild again - and I pressed my lips against hers for a few seconds until Bella sighed and her sweet fragrance brought back my sense and need of self control. If I could truly never leave her, than it would be really nice to at least not harm her in the process of staying.

"You promised Chief Swan that you would have me home early, remember? We'd better get going." Bella reminded me.

"Yes, ma'Am." I smiled as I released her from my grip.

I took Bella's warm hand and led her to the edge of the forest. We made our way through the wet ferns and around a great hemlock tree. Behind the tree was a massive field, surrounded by the Olympic peaks.

My family was all present, awaiting our arrival. Esme, Rosalie and Emmett were closest to us while Alice and Jasper were tossing a ball back and forth further away. Carlisle was marking the bases for our game.

When they spotted us, Esme stood up and started walking toward us, while Rosalie staggered away into the outer field, close to the furthest base. Emmett stood there debating for a bit until he decided to let Rosalie go off on her own and so he joined Esme in our direction.

"Was that you we heard, Edward?" Esme asked as she approached.

"It sounded like a bear choking," Emmett clarified with a chuckle.

Bella smiled in hesitance at Esme. "That was him."

"Bella was being unintentionally funny," I grinned.

Alice left her position and started to sprint toward us. Her thoughts were exuberant.

_Bella and Edward are here, time to play some ball!_

"It's time," she announced aloud as she bounced to our side.

As soon as she spoke, a deep rumble of thunder broke through the sky, leaving Bella slightly startled.

"Eerie, isn't it?" Emmett winked.

_Ah, look at her blush. It's funny,_ he silently chuckled.

"Let's go." Alice grabbed Emmett's hand and the two dashed to the middle of the field.

"Are you ready for some ball?" I asked Bella enthusiastically

"Go team!" Bella said with forced enthusiasm, but a genuine smile broke on her face.

I snickered at her false spirit and ruffled through her brown locks before I bounded away to catch up with my siblings.

Emmett had reached home plate, while Alice took a stance on the mound to throw the first pitch. Carlisle was positioned between the first and second base, while I took my place in the left field, furthest away. Jasper was catching while Rosalie was next to bat, after Emmett.

Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie were a team, as were Alice, Carlisle and I. We all took turns on catching though. Esme was referee and Bella joined her to watch us. I was happy with this, since I liked the idea of my mother and the love of my life to bond. Esme was fond of Bella and I wanted Bella to like her too. I believed somehow that if Bella liked my mother, my family might feel more normal to her, because as far as family dynamics went, I supposed we were relatively normal. Especially considering our nature.

"All right," Esme called "Batter up."

"We are going to kick your ass!", Emmett teased, swinging the bat.

Alice did not respond to his threat. Instead she threw the ball which flew straight into Jasper's hand. Emmett growled under his breath and I could hear his frustration.

Further away I could hear Bella ask Esme questions about the game.

Jasper hurled the ball back to Alice and before she threw another pitch, she grinned at Emmett.

"Maybe I'll kick yours", she teased. "Don't you know by now it's wrong to bet against me?"

That was true. Betting against Alice was not the smartest thing. Still, I hoped she was wrong about one thing in particular.

"Just wait, little sister", Emmett grinned.

This time Emmett managed to smash into the ball and the sound of it echoed off the mountains.

That sound was the reason we only played when there was actual thunder. It would be far too conspicuous if we played like this without the stormy skies to muffle the sounds for us.

The ball flew far and fast, shooting into the forest. But I liked a challenge and I could not wait for the look on Emmett's face when I came back with the ball.

As I sprinted into the forest, I felt this strange unfamiliar high. Life seemed perfect. Bella was here with me and I was without boundaries now. All my family was always happiest without the restrictions of our human pretence. We weren't per se animals when amongst ourselves, but we didn't have to worry about being exposed either.

And Bella seemed fine with it, interested in the way we played. This was no surprise to me. It had taken me a while but the worry of her running away - when some part of what we were would finally be too much for her - had vanished. At least that was one worry less.

I caught the ball easily, as it hit a few trees, breaking some branches because of its speed. Out far I could hear Bella muse whether or not Emmett had hit a homerun, but Esme told her to wait.

I could hear Emmett sprint around the bases as I bounded back to the field, holding the ball in my hand triumphantly

"Out!" Esme cried in a clear voice. I saw Bella staring at me in disbelief as I leaped from the fringe, holding up the ball, widely grinning.

"Crap", Emmett muttered

"Emmett hits the hardest," Esme explained to Bella, "but Edward runs the fastest."

Our inning continued and I saw Bella taking it all in with as much disbelief as fascination. Occasionally she'd ask Esme a question, but mostly her eyes were fixated on the game.

It was Jasper's turn to hit when he smashed the ball low, hoping I would not easily catch it that way. Carlisle did and raced to first base to catch Jasper. The two of them collided, leaving the sound of it crashing and echoing around the field. Luckily the thunder storm hanging above town muted the sound.

I saw Bella stare in horror at the collision but Esme assured her they were fine.

"Safe," Esme called in a calm voice.

Emmett's team was up by one — Rosalie managed to flit around the bases after one of Emmett's long flying hits ended up stuck in a couple of branches, forcing me to jump into the tree to get it out before I could sprint back— when I caught the third out.

I sprinted to Bella's side, excitement surely written all over my face.

"What do you think?" I asked.

"One thing's for sure, I'll never be able to sit through dull old Major League Baseball again." Bella told me with a smile

"And it sounds like you did so much of that before," I laughed.

"I am a little disappointed," Bella teased.

"Why?" I asked, puzzled.

Yes, it would be so much more convenient if I could hear her actual thoughts instead of having to take a guess at the meaning of some of the things she said and worry about her explanations before she would share them.

"Well, it would be nice if I could find just one thing you didn't do better than everyone else on the planet", Bella sighed with a small smile playing on her lips.

I felt a genuine smugness at what she said. I knew most of the things we did 'well' were enhanced by our nature, but it still felt extremely good to hear Bella praise me.

I smiled at her, as I headed back to the plate.

"I'm up," I said, as I turned to look at Bella. Momentarily, I felt this odd feeling that extended my smugness only to reform it into this strange case of instant nerves. I felt like an athlete, trying to make a loved one proud. I knew Bella did not care about sports at all - she was just really curious and mostly fascinated by it and probably only understood half of what we did, since it might be too fast for her to catch up on - but I really wanted her to be proud.

I hit the ball low, running past two bases before Emmett caught on to the ball. Carlisle was next and he hit a home run that effectively made sure both my father and I made it in. Alice slapped us high fives as she stuck out her tongue to Emmett.

"Told you we were gonna kick _your_ ass, Emm. You are going to pay up later!" she beamed

"Game ain't over yet, little sis. No victory dances yet!" Emmett warned

"I dance better than you!" Alice teased as Emmett growled at her and walked back to his spot between first and second base.

The game continued and we were all having fun. I felt more than jubilant, like I had done before when I sprinted through the forest to catch Emmett's first swing. I was happy and it was still such a strange feeling to me. So unknowing, so unexpected. Scary and almost undeserving.

Especially, that last thing. _Undeserving_. This excitement, this happiness, it felt like it was not designed for me. My worrying nature made me feel like at any minute this all could change, the problem was that I felt too exuberant to reign myself in. My usual pessimism was absent and so I did not feel it coming until it hit me.

The turning point.

Where my happiness was crushed into little pieces. Like I should have expected.

But_ didn't_.

Carlisle was standing on the home plate, with me behind him to catch when Alice's eyes refocused into the void behind us, just as she was about to throw the ball. Before she let out the gasp that would alert the others, I had seen it already, reading the dangers of a fresh vision in her thoughts.

_Goodbye happiness. _

I immediately went to Bella's side.

"Alice?" Esme's voice was tense.

"I didn't see — I couldn't tell," she whispered.

All the others were gathered around us now.

"What is it, Alice?" Carlisle asked calmly

"They were travelling much quicker than I thought. I can see I had the perspective wrong before," she murmured.

Jasper leaned over her protectively, like I did with Bella. Carlisle stood shoulder to shoulder with Esme as they hovered over Alice and shot worried glances my way. Emmett and Rosalie seemed most at ease, their eyes mostly curious.

"What changed?" Jasper asked.

"They heard us playing, and it changed their path," she said, almost remorsefully, like our game had set them off.

And it probably had. Humans would not find the bouldering sounds significant with the thunder that was rolling over town but a few vampire nomads would have no trouble with distinguishing the sounds.

My family and I all glanced at Bella, knowing what the real danger was. Not the fact our game had been found out - and with that our nature too - but the fact that one of the spectators enjoying the game. Wasn't of this same nature.

"How soon?" Carlisle said, turning toward me

It took a lot of focus to concentrate on their approaching thoughts, because I felt far too frantic to properly listen in. All I could think about was to get Bella out of there, to make sure she'd be safe. As I tried to tune in on them I found that their thoughts were not filled with angst or bloodlust which probably meant they had recently fed and had not yet smelled Bella. This was good, this could buy us time. They were mostly curious about our little game.

"Less than five minutes. They're running — they want to play." I frowned

"Can you make it?" Carlisle asked me as he glanced at Bella.

"No, not carrying —", I interrupted, "Besides, the last thing we need is for them to catch the scent and start hunting."

I shuddered at the idea of this. If these nomads would catch Bella's scent - overpowering as it was to me, it was undoubtedly very strong to other vampires as well - and they'd start hunting, we'd all have a huge problem. Because that would turn into an instant fight.

"How many?" Emmett asked Alice.

"Three," she answered tersely.

"Three!" he scoffed. "Let them come."

_I am ready for some ass-kicking. Good work out too!_

Of course, Emmett would have no problem with a fight. Not as much as I would. Then again, my brother had far less to lose. Nothing, in fact. I, on the other hand, basically had my life on the line if it came to a fight. Because if they'd hurt Bella - kill Bella - then I'd die too.

Carlisle looked at me, trying to catch my attention. I knew he would have spoken aloud for Bella's sake but I told him off with my eyes.

_We keep on playing and let them join. Then, when they are distracted by the game, you'll take Bella away from here and we'll take care of the rest. Son, it's going to be alright._

I wanted to believe my father. I wanted to believe with every fibre of my being that I could get Bella away from here and that these nomads would go as fast as they came. But that would be unhelpful wishful thinking at this point. In a few minutes they would be here and we would need all the luck in the world for them not to find out about Bella.

"Let's just continue the game," Carlisle spoke aloud.

"Alice said they were simply curious." he added coolly

Emmett, Carlisle, Rosalie and Jasper made their way back to the field. Esme asked me a silent question as she glanced at me apologetically. Like she was embarrassed for asking.

"Are they...thirsty?" she asked under her breath

From what I picked up, they were not. But then again, that would not matter much once they smelled Bella. Because that would surely make them thirsty.

I shook my head at her and she flashed me a small smile in relief.

"You catch, Esme," I said. "I'll call it now."

I situated myself on the floor, right in front of Bella, so I could protect her when needed. The others glanced at the dark forest, all too aware of the company we were about to receive.

Esme and Alice stayed close by, seemingly wanting to protect Bella too.

"Take your hair down," I said evenly

Bella slid the rubber band out of her hair and shook it around. Her scent immediately reached my nostrils and my throat as I breathed her in. Sometimes it seemed like her scent existed only for me, but I knew that I could not hope for such a thing with these new predators coming. There was no way they would not smell her. If the wind would pick up or if she'd move more than an inch, then they would smell her undoubtedly.

"The others are coming now." Bella stated timidly

"Yes, stay very still, keep quiet, and don't move from my side, please." I urged, hoping to sound calm, knowing she could hear the stress anyway since nothing went past her.

I turned and pulled her long locks around her face, hoping it would protect her better. It felt so pointless because the strands burned my fingers and I almost wished I could let myself get lost in the sensation of it. But it was not the right time to get lost in distractions. I needed to be passive and remain focussed, that was the only way Bella might go unnoticed long enough for me to get her far away from here.

"That won't help," Alice said softly. "I could smell her across the field."

"I know." I said in frustration.

Carlisle stood at the plate, and the others joined the game but there was no more feeling in it.

"What did Esme ask you?" Bella whispered.

Naturally, she had not missed that. Because nothing went past her.

"Whether they were thirsty," I muttered

The game slowed, everyone playing numbingly now, too afraid to make any unnecessary sounds to attract these visitors to us even faster. Not that time mattered anymore. The nomads would be here soon enough.

Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper hovered in the infield.

Emmett was still eager for a good fight, while Jasper was wary, mostly worried for Alice's safety. He silently went over fighting techniques in his head. Rosalie was angry. While I echoed the emotion, it infuriated me silently that her anger was directed at Bella.

_I knew she was going to be trouble and here it is. The game's ruined and now we might even have to fight for her. Well, the hell I will._

I was eager to reprimand her, but I was far too disturbed by her thought process. Did she really think it would come to a fight? Would it? What if it did? What if I could not get away in time? What would happen then?

"I'm sorry, Bella," I apologized fiercely, "It was stupid, irresponsible, to expose you like this. I'm so sorry."

And I was. Though apologies were meaningless now. I had brought her here to make her proud. I had brought her here to have her close, because the thought of being away from her had pained me and the alternative had been so tempting. So much better.

All selfish reasons. I had not even considered the dangers when I had decided to bring her along. And now, she was in danger because of that. All the jubilance I had felt before was gone. Entirely. As relaxed and alive I had felt moments ago, it was now all replaced by a feeling of anxiety.

I could hear the footsteps reaching the edge of the forest and there was a short pause then. My family all zeroed their eyes in on the right field, knowing our visitors would emerge very soon.

_Too soon._

I was finally going to pay for all the selfish motives that had kept me close to Bella. I should have left long ago. I should have been strong enough, shown some sort of responsibility. But instead, over and over I had simply followed my selfish ways and allowed myself close to her. Despite the dangers of my nature. And all the love in the world would no longer justify that, if Bella would be harmed.

This was not like in the meadow. That had been about my self control. My bloodlust. And by some bizarre miracle, I had overcome that.

But now, there were others approaching. Nomads who'd have no reason to control their bloodlust. No reason to spare a human.

The only human I ever wanted. Both as a hunter as well as a man.

A man who would do anything to protect this human.

Against any cost.

All the worries I had before - Billy Black, Bella's reactions to all of the things that upheld my nature, the fear of losing control - they paled in comparison to what I felt now. They were demolished by the only thought my brain could hold right now.

_So much for being a protector. Charlie could not even trust me with that. Some boyfriend I am._

So much for that care-free love indeed. So much for trying to beat the odds.

Deep down inside, something was building. A fear bigger than any fear I ever had before. A fear I knew was unjustified, because I had no way of knowing what would happen once the nomads would arrive. Still, a fear I could not shake.

Everything that had been so perfectly in its place for once, felt like it was about to be shattered.

And I had no one to blame but _myself. _

* * *

**First: Thanks for all the reviews, they still inspire me and keep me going :)**

**Secondly: the action is about to start with the hunt! **

**About this chapter: the Cullen-chatter during the baseball game doesn't happen in Twilight, but I'd like to believe that Bella simply doesn't hear them because**


	13. The Hunt

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and Midnight Sun, its dialogues, the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2008 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**CHAPTER 10: THE HUNT**

Despite the thunder hitting town and not the clearing, it seemed like the sky had turn darker. That the wind had gained strength to blow wildly over the field now. But the sky was still as clear as before, a few clouds floating adrift as darkness rolled in slowly where the night was softly falling. There was only a light breeze softly swaying the grass. Nothing was really different but to me the clearing had a sinister feel now.

A bitter afterglow of what had been the most perfect weekend of my life. Now I was being taunted by the dangerous shadows that seemed to surround me. The guilt that was ready to torment me. And I certainly deserved it. _All of it_. I was repulsed by myself. I was truly a monster. A selfish fool who had believed he could be a man. Live like a man.

_Love_ like a man.

_Idiot_. Look at what my longing at being a man; this desperate behaviour had gotten me. I put Bella in danger. And not for the first time either. My whole existence put her life at risk. _All_ the time. From wanting to kill her myself when we first met, to the slipping of my heavily practiced self control every time I yearned to touch her. And now, to top it all I had managed to bring her in contact with other vampires. Ones who didn't live by a vegetarian code. Ones would eagerly kill her if they found out she was a human.

I should have left her a long time ago, like I had planned from the beginning. That would have been the right thing. The selfless and sensible thing to do. But no, instead I had lingered around her, until she had fallen under my spell. Well, a hex was more like it. I had doomed her to numerous accounts with danger. Dangers she would not have been exposed to, if it hadn't been for me. And now there was a price to pay. But the price would never be Bella's life. Mine, perhaps. But never hers. This was my doing and I needed to set things right. At any cost.

It felt like time had frozen. Like I had frozen. Despite the fact I could feel the tension around us - caused by the uncertainty of what was going to happen - I couldn't comfort Bella. I felt numb. I could feel the anxiety roll off her in waves and I could not access anything inside me to make her feel better.

To make her feel _protected._

I was letting her down in more ways than one. On the one hand I couldn't protect her from what _I_ was and on the other I wasn't man enough to make her feel protected. Really, it was absurd that I had thought I could be her boyfriend. When clearly a normal guy - the Mike Newtons or Jacob Blacks of this world - would have held her in their arms to keep her safe. And while doing that they had the advantage of their body temperatures feeling so much better than my body of ice and stone. Of course the reality was; they would have never put her in mortal danger in the first place.

Seconds passed as my family eyed the periphery of the woods with caution. I could hear thoughts approaching. From what I could tell there were two males and one female. The female's thoughts were hard to decipher. It was almost as if they were locked away from me like Bella's thoughts were. I could not make sense of them. The two males were both entirely different from one another. One was extremely focussed; taking in his surroundings, trying to qualify and assess for himself what he was about to face; he used his senses very well. The other male was less aware; he seemed rather bored to be facing others of his kind.

As they emerged from the forest edge, their thoughts hit me like a cannon ball. Not because they were particularly aggressive, but because they were very much all over the place; incoherent. These were definitely nomads and without the restriction of human posture their vampire minds were extremely chaotic.

Carlisle noticed this too; he silently took in and analyzed the group of vampires for what they were as they came into sight. Two males and one female, like I had already concluded from their thoughts. The woman stood out the most physically because of her very visible red hair, which looked like dancing flames, even in the faint light at this time of night. I suppose to human males she would be considered a beauty; but she had nothing on my Bella. The male that was leading the group had black hair and his skin was olive toned. The other male seemed rather insignificant, though it were his thoughts I had reckoned to be so concentrating on his surroundings. They were all wearing tattered muddy clothes. Alice noticed this too.

_What are they wearing?_ She silently mused. _How can people let their clothes become so dirty. What a waste_.

It would have been humorous in any other situation, but now I felt my sister's thoughts were inappropriate and unnecessary. But typically Alice. She was truly the least monstrous of us all except for Carlisle perhaps. Even now, when facing our own kind, Alice had an almost human response, when internally commenting on their way of dressing.

The closer the nomads got, the more it was evident they were not much like my family and I. Not just their clothes were different, so was their posture. They almost seemed to be permanently edged into a crouch. Their eyes did not have the colour ours did. Theirs were dark, circled with blood-red; the result of drinking human blood, instead of living on venison and the such.

As they eyed us, they started to move closer to one another; like an army closing ranks. They looked at Carlisle warily, since he made the well thought through effort to come closer to them; my brothers hovering slightly behind him, ready to attack when needed.

Rosalie and Alice, along with Esme remained at our side. I could hear Bella's heart beating a rhythm that was rapidly picking up speed. Not a good sign. Not just because it hinted she was afraid - and I hated for her to be scared - but also because this assumed fear would make her scent even more alluring. And easier to pick up on. I could feel her fragrance wash over me, call for me and it took me an immense amount of self control to not let myself get lost in that. It almost broke through the barrier of rationality I had put up and I couldn't have that right now. I had to stay focussed on keeping Bella safe.

The group had almost reached the middle of the field, where we had positioned ourselves. They were still eyeing us with great caution. Especially the woman seemed erratic; her eyes were shifting from one of us to the other. Her thoughts remained a blur and I decided that it would be better to tune her out entirely and centre my focus on the two males.

The dark-haired man was relaxed and hardly fascinated by running into his own kind. He had a slight - almost mocking - smile on his face. The other male - the extremely observant one - eyed us with apprehension, taking all of us in one by one. This unnerved me. His thoughts were very clear now that he was so close to me.

_Odd. Look at them. Very well-groomed. Almost human._

Human. He almost hit the nail on the head there. _Unfortunately._

The dark haired man, still smiling, stepped toward Carlisle.

"We thought we heard a game," he said casually. His accent gave away that he was of French decent. "I'm Laurent, these are Victoria and James." He gestured to the vampires beside him.

"I'm Carlisle. This is my family, Emmett and Jasper, Rosalie, Esme and Alice, Edward and Bella." Carlisle introduced us.

At any other time it would have pleased me immensely to hear my father say Bella's name and include her in our family, but to listen to him make that kind of introduction now, felt so misplaced. Such a strange irony, because Bella shouldn't be a part of my family. Not when that meant her life was in danger. And it was about time I faced this. My desire to keep Bella safe as a human and stay with her regardless was unrealistic. But the alternative - Alice's vision about Bella becoming one of us - a real member of the family - was unacceptable.

So it was choosing between two evils. The lesser one was still to try and keep Bella safe as a human. And hopefully, if I was really lucky, I'd manage to keep her safe tonight. I'd do anything to make that happen. Even if it meant I'd have to say goodbye in the long haul.

Still, I had no time to think about the depressing idea of leaving Bella right now. If I did, I'd lose myself in the impossible thought of that and tonight was just about keeping her safe. Nothing else.

"Do you have room for a few more players?" Laurent asked sociably.

This was not a question I wanted to hear. I'd rather they just turned around and leave Forks immediately. The more time they spend around us, the bigger the chance for them to find out about Bella being a human. And a very desirable one at it.

I briefly sifted through Carlisle's thoughts to find out he wanted these nomads to leave town rather sooner than later too.

"Actually, we were just finishing up. But we'd certainly be interested another time. Are you planning to stay in the area for long?" my father inquired casually

"We're headed north, in fact, but we were curious to see who was in the neighbourhood. We haven't run into any company in a long time." Laurent explained with a smile.

I very much disliked that smile. It looked look it was as much meant to scorn us as it was a mask. Underneath this fake friendliness there was something brewing. The other two; the seemingly average male with his perceptive thoughts and the female who looked like she would jump on us all if she needed to - her eyes kept flickering to Emmett and Jasper who stood beside Carlisle - were cautious, but this Laurent; he was quite confident.

_Too confident._ Too smug. It was highly annoying. Like his thoughts.

"No, this region is usually empty except for us and the occasional visitor, like yourselves." Carlisle explained calmly

I could tell Jasper was using his power to control the atmosphere because slowly the tension seemed to subside. I tried to determine whether or not the group in front of us knew this, but their thoughts didn't hint at it. The woman was still incoherent and the male, James, was on his guard. It seemed he was the least affected by Jasper's power.

Because of that, I was still feeling apprehensive. Not to mention the fact of how I could feel Bella being very much on edge beside me. I guess Jasper wasn't completely working his magic on her either.

"What's your hunting range?" Laurent wondered

Carlisle ignored the assumption behind the inquiry. "The Olympic Range here, up and down the Coast Ranges on occasion. We keep a permanent residence nearby. There's another permanent settlement like ours up near Denali." He told the dark haired vampire.

This seemed to surprise Laurent.

_Are they mad? A permanent residence. That ought to be maddening. The risk of being found out. The small hunting range. It's insanity._

He decided to speak his curiosity in a less stunned manner, again carefully hiding behind his composed persona. "Permanent? How do you manage that?" he asked.

Laurent certainly did not understand our preference. Of course he did not know the reasons behind that choice.

"Why don't you come back to our home with us and we can talk comfortably?" Carlisle invited. "It's a rather long story."

The female and the second male, who both stayed a little behind Laurent - they also never spoke a word - gave each other a look and I caught what both of them were thinking. Not only did they find us odd - like Laurent - but also threatening. The female - Victoria - because we had our benefit in numbers; the male - James - because of our - in his eyes - superiority.

I liked this. They were nomads, three of them. We were the ones with the advantage. And if they realized this, then perhaps they'd leave without causing trouble. If they understood that there was nothing for them to gain here. Especially not a very delicious human to hunt on - seeing Bella as a prey disgusted me, but it would be the exact thing she'd be in their eyes - they might be on their way sooner.

"That sounds very interesting, and welcome. We've been on the hunt all the way down from Ontario, and we haven't had the chance to clean up in a while", Laurent explained as he eyed Carlisle.

_They may be odd, but they sure look very refined. I told James many times before that we need not be so animalistic. If only he listened to me._

If only _he_ listened to _me?_

And suddenly something clicked for me. I felt utterly stupid for not seeing it right away and I wondered if my father had. It was not Laurent who led this little coven of nomads. It was_ James_. He looked like he lacked in importance - he was easily overlooked- but that was a ploy. Laurent was more present, but James was the smart one. _The leader._

_The real threat. _The one who would not be convinced with words or appearances.

"Please don't take offense, but we'd appreciate it if you'd refrain from hunting in this immediate area. We have to stay inconspicuous, you understand," Carlisle explained.

"Of course." Laurent nodded. "We certainly won't encroach on your territory. We just ate outside of Seattle, anyway," he laughed.

For a moment I could taste the venom in my mouth as Laurent remembered his meal; a teenage girl, looking much alike Bella, who had been taken in by his beauty. It had not taken him much to lure her with him - she had been very willing - and he had fed off her in a dark alley. I thought I was going to explode from the thought of her blood spilling, especially because I could feel Bella's heart pounding faster at Laurent's words.

"We'll show you the way if you'd like to run with us — Emmett and Alice, you can go with Edward and Bella to get the Jeep," Carlisle casually added.

_Yes!_ This was the break I needed. If I could get Bella out of here than everything would be alright. I just needed a small window - they hadn't noticed her so far - and they'd be gone soon enough. Perhaps Alice would be right. They were only passing through and it was unfortunate they had heard our game but it did not have to turn into a disaster. I silently thanked my father for always remaining so calm and collective in these situations.

I felt a little pre-emptive relief wash over me as I thought of how I'd be able to take Bella home and not leave her out of my sight. Make up for my disconnected behaviour by holding her close. Feeling her warmth blaze against my skin to heat me. To feel her soft lips against mine. How wonderful it would be if that was a possibility tonight.

_Too wonderful._ Thus improbable.

If only I had been that lucky. As Carlisle spoke, the wind picked up slightly, ruffling Bella's hair, stirring it around her face. It was impossible to ignore the heavenly scent coming off her skin; her hair.

_Her neck._

I stiffened beside her and she felt it. Her breath caught momentarily and it felt like her heart was booming out of her chest. That made her fragrance even more potent and present as the blood pulsed through her veins.

My mind flashbacked to the meadow for a second. When she had leaned in to smell me and her neck had been exposed to my inner monster. I knew the effect this image - her beautiful neck; the blood streaming through her carotid arteries - it was incredibly powerful. The scent of her taken on by the wind, spreading around the field.

They could smell her now. _Undoubtedly._

So much for that pre-emptive relief. It didn't last long.

James turned his head and glared at Bella, as his nostrils flared to pick up the scent. As soon as he did - and how could he not; the scent was so all consuming - James immediately shifted into a crouch, lurching closer toward us.

Pulling Bella behind me, I crouched in defence as I snarled in warning, baring my teeth in threat. If James would come closer, I'd stop him indefinitely.

I felt Bella shiver beside me and I hated James even more for making Bella be afraid.

_Of me._

"What's this?" Laurent wondered with great surprise. The tone of his voice hinted that he had yet to pick up the full blow of Bella's scent.

I watched James carefully as he breathed in Bella's scent. His mind was racing as he tried to make sense as to why a human was with us. Of course, my defensive reaction made things fall into place for him.

_They are protecting a human? Waste such a delicacy? Such fools. Although....she must be something if they are willing to keep her safe._

_The young one must be…in love with her. How ridiculous. How enthralling for me. Such a wonderful challenge to break these supposed humanized vampires and put them in their place. I wonder how sophisticated they'll remain to be when I kill their little pet._

I tried to remain calm, though James's thoughts drove me mad internally. He was seeking a game and he had just found one. He probably would not have cared about a human before, but now that he had seen my agression, things became interesting for him. He glared at me with a devious smile slightly playing on his lips. He was taunting me, hoping he would get a reaction out of me. I feared his hope would be rewarded.

"She's with us." Carlisle said firmly and calmly. He glanced at me for a second and as our eyes met, I knew my father was pleading with me.

_Edward. Let me handle this. Give me the chance to lure them way from here. An instant fight might not end well. _

I knew my father would rather this be solved without a fight. He preferred words over action. Diplomacy over war. I hated to disappoint him, but I was not sure if this was something that could be solved with words. I did not have much to say. I just wanted to rip him apart. All of them - even the woman - if I had to.

"You brought a snack?" Laurent asked sceptically, as he stepped forward reluctantly.

_A snack?_ He called Bella a snack. Oh, no. He didn't. I snarled at him angrily, baring my teeth. This had an effect. Laurent looked at me and seemed somewhat intimidated. He stepped back a few steps, slowly, at an almost human pace.

"I said she's with us," Carlisle corrected in a hard voice.

"But she's human," Laurent protested.

_I don't understand. How can they stand being close to the girl without wanting to sink their teeth into her flesh?_

Laurent's thoughts triggered another memory. My own razor-sharp teeth, sinking into Bella's beautiful translucent skin. The glory of her sweet blood feeding the monster inside me. Everything I had overcome yesterday had come back to mock me today. Venom filled my mouth and I felt like I was going to burst from the anger I felt growing inside me.

As for Laurent, I could hear he truly did not understand it. I supposed from an outsider's view - the outsider being a vampire- it would make little sense. Still, they were a threat to the woman I loved. The only love I had ever known. And they diminished my feelings for her, because their presence had forced my inner monster to resurface. This monster was no longer just after Bella's blood - he was in fact quite eager to protect her - but it bothered me so much to have Bella sit here beside me - horrified at what was unfolding in front of her; my real nature reflected in the behaviour of these nomads - and not be able to comfort her like a normal man would.

That was what upset me the most. For a little while I had been allowed to feel like a man, to show Bella I could be a man; that I was worthy of her love. And now, I had been forced to shift back into the monster. A hunter who was defending his prey before devouring her himself. I had been a fool to believe I could love her and keep her safe as a human man would. The monster could protect her, but he and the man would never co-exist without it causing problems for Bella.

"Yes." Emmett hissed as he held his place beside Carlisle's, his eyes on James.

_Let them try to mess with us. Let. Them. Try. I can't wait to kick their asses out of this field. _

Leave it to my brawny brother to gladly seek a fight without hesitance. I saw Rosalie grab his hand to keep him in check. She was less looking forward to a fight.

_Look at what the human is causing. Normally, crossing a few nomads would not be any problem. And now we're standing here to defend her. It's ridiculous._

James slowly straightened out of his crouch, but his eyes never left Bella

He was still breathing in her scent, still focussed on her presence.

_Look at them. Fools. Protecting one human. For what. She is nothing. Those silly emotions will come back to haunt them. I'll make sure of that._

I stayed in front of Bella. Her heart had slowed down but the fear was burning on her skin, heating my body. I longed for the moments where her warmth had released this yearning in me, instead of this tense situation where her body temperature betrayed her. She was finally truly afraid. Once I had wanted her to be, so she could run away and be safe. But she had always been so brave. And now that bravery was rewarded in the cruellest, most ironic way.

And it was my fault. Not a surprise that was, just so very sour. All I wanted to do was love her with every part of my existence. Give her my silent heart as she had captivated it, to have it belong to her. But instead, I got her into trouble constantly. I couldn't even look at her now. I didn't deserve to look into her eyes and see something in there to make me feel better.

"It appears we have a lot to learn about each other." Laurent said soothingly, trying to shift the mood.

Carlisle picked up on this as he kept his voice steady with ease. "Indeed."

"But we'd like to accept your invitation." Laurent looked at me and then back to Carlisle "And, of course, we will not harm the human girl. We won't hunt in your range, as I said."

I knew he was not so much sincere as he was both baffled about the situation and too afraid to start a fight. James and the woman, Victoria weren't so afraid nor so willing to not harm Bella. James glared at Laurent in disbelief and his eyes narrowed in aggravation.

His thoughts were screaming now. He was mocking me as he shared a look with Victoria whose thoughts were too much all over the place for me to catch and who seemed to be missing most of what was happening. I could tell tension was not doing her good. But James, well, he was interested.

In Bella.

_A lot._

Too much.

_This insignificant human is important to them. I can't wait to have her. To taste her. She must be something, if she has managed to surround herself with a group of vampires. _

I sucked in short breaths of air to try and remain calm. The more of James' thoughts I heard, the more they drove me to an edge of losing it. It almost seemed like he knew this as he continued to flash his teeth at me. Smiling a wicked defying smile.

Carlisle searched my eyes for a second to transfer his thoughts.

_Son, please. A few more moments and you'll be able to take Bella away from here. _

My father measured Laurent's open expression for a moment before he spoke. "We'll show you the way. Jasper, Rosalie, Esme?" he called. They gathered together, blocking Bella from view as they united.

Alice was instantly at Bella's side, and Emmett fell back slowly, his eyes locked on James as he backed toward us.

"Let's go, Bella." I told her in a low voice as I tried to distract myself from James' thoughts. All he was thinking about now was this new game. The quest for Bella. The opportunity to taste her blood.

_To kill her._

Bella was rooted on the floor, totally in a trance. I grabbed her elbow and pulled her with me. She stumbled a few times and I could hear her breath and heart being affected by all this.

Alice and Emmett were close behind us, hiding Bella from James 'view.

I was impatient and wanted to be out of sight badly, but we could only move slowly now, not wanting to provoke the nomads.

Once we were into the trees, I slung Bella onto my back without breaking stride. She held onto me tightly and I felt so heartless and cold. I was being analytical. The girl on my back was not the woman I loved. I could not see her as that person. I wanted to and felt myself slip ever now and then - her warmth clouding my mind, bringing back the amazing night I had experienced by lying beside her to watch her sleep, to feel her lips brush against mine - but I continued to reign myself in and force myself to remain logical and keep my focus on the only task I had at hand. Bella's safety went before anything. My only priority.

She was just another human. Someone to protect. Not _the only one _to protect, because I would die if I lost her. I needed to stay detached, because if I'd let my emotions get the best of me, I'd stop thinking all together.

And kill all of them with my bare hands. Rip them apart. I could feel the solace in that idea.

But, with any luck - and I daren't count on that now since it had failed me all night - perhaps I'd get the chance to be alone and carefree with my love and make up for my current behaviour once all this was settled. But not tonight, like I had hoped for earlier. I wasn't going to take Bella home tonight and hold her in my arms to whisper all the 'I love you's' it would take to redeem myself in her ear.

Right now, there was only one thing I needed to do. I had to make sure Bella would remain safe. In order to do that she needed to leave Forks right away.

We reached the Jeep in an impossibly short time; I barely slowed as I placed Bella in the backseat.

"Strap her in," I ordered Emmett, who slid in beside Bella

Alice was already in the front seat as I started the engine.

_What are you going to do?_ she silently mused

This whole situation was almost surreal. A few small hours ago I had promised Chief Swan I'd keep his daughter safe. Well, I had sure managed that. What a joke.

I could not help but curse. "Dammit!"

I tried to keep that to myself but I knew Bella had heard it. I'd never cuss in front of a lady but I was so wound up, so anxious. So frustrated.

Emmett and Alice both glared out the side windows.

We hit the main road, and I increased the speed. We needed to get away from here. Right now. The sooner we were far way from here, the better. So I headed south.

"Where are we going?" Bella asked anxiously.

I didn't answer, afraid my voice and composure would break if I engaged in a conversation with Bella now.

"Dammit, Edward! Where are you taking me?" Bella demanded more angrily

OK, so she didn't mind cussing. Of course she was anxious too. And yet, I could not be there for her. I couldn't assure her that everything was going to be fine. In fact, I caught myself in the horror of wishing Bella to be silent and not ask questions. I basically wanted her to shut up so her voice wouldn't tempt me to lose my cool and let my love for her rule me and go back to kill those three unwanted visitors.

"We have to get you away from here — far away — now." , I yelled. I pressed down the gas pedal in desperation, hoping the Jeep would go faster than I had ever seen it go before. The speedometer read a hundred and five miles an hour. That wasn't exactly a record, but it would do.

"Turn around! You have to take me home!" Bella shouted as she tried unbuckle herself.

"Emmett," I said grimly.

Immediately Emmett grabbed Bella's hands to stop her from trying to loosen her seatbelts.

"No! Edward! No, you can't do this." Bella told me

Well, there wouldn't be anyway for her to stop me. Like a ward holding a prisoner, my brother held an easy grip on Bella's wrists. It was wrong to do this, but I had no choice. She was going to have to do things my way.

"I have to, Bella, now please be quiet." I said wryly

It was truly disgusting how I suddenly couldn't stand the voice of the person who was my entire world. That voice - that amazing exquisite voice - didn't leave me detached. It made the man in me resurface, so eager to take Bella in his arms and sooth her worries, kiss away her fears. But the man wasn't the protector. He couldn't focus on keeping Bella safe as he was far too occupied with wanting to love her. The protector - heartless and cold as he was- was the only one who could keep Bella safe.

"I won't! You have to take me back — Charlie will call the FBI! They'll be all over your family —Carlisle and Esme! They'll have to leave, to hide forever!" Bella yelled

"Calm down, Bella." my voice was cold. "We've been there before."

For my family and I, this meant relocation. Of course, relocation didn't include Bella. So even when all of this was over, it could still mean I would have to say goodbye to Bella. I suppose I deserved the small pain the idea - which had been playing through my head - silently caused me. Paying for all my selfishness. I would finally have to take the most permanent measure to protect Bella for good. I'd leave her. The price I would agree to pay. If she'd be alright. If all threats were eliminated from her life.

_Forever._

And the only way to accomplish that would be to eliminate the biggest threat in Bella's life.

_Me._

"Not over me, you don't! You're not ruining everything over me!" Bella struggled violently, with total futility.

Of course Bella didn't agree with this. Always so selfless, never putting herself first. Even now, when her life was forfeit again, like yesterday when I had truly exposed myself to her and the monster had almost won. She'd still think about what the consequences of this hunt were for my family. She was a much better person than I was. I had tried so hard to deserve her. But I simply didn't.

As I tried to focus on exiting town, Alice spoke for the first time. And she knew me well. "Edward, pull over."

_Wake up. This isn't you. You can't shield yourself away like this. Bella needs you._

I glared at her and sped up the Jeep. She couldn't expect me to not shield myself away. I wasn't like my siblings. They had each other. Emmett would never endanger Rosalie and Alice was always safe with Jasper. But I, I had chosen to love a fragile, breakable human and now I had to do everything in my power to make sure she'd stay out of harm's way.

"Edward, let's just talk this through." Alice pleaded.

No time for talking. I needed to get Bella out of here. Could my sister not see that? Didn't she see at all? What kind of threat James really was?

"You don't understand," I roared in frustration, a little emotion finally shimmering though my harsh mask. "He's a tracker, Alice, did you see that? He's a tracker!"

Emmett went briefly rigid at my words, but he soon bounced back

_Crap. That means he is more competition than I thought. Still, I could take him._

"Pull over, Edward." Alice warned.

_I mean it. We need to think about this, make a plan. Driving Bella to Lord knows where doesn't provide a solution. It's not the way to deal with this._

I didn't listen and pressed the gas pedal down even harder. Like there was a proper way to deal with this. The only plan that made sense to me was to keep James away from Bella. To assure this, she needed to go far away from Forks.

Out of the state. Out of the country if that's what it would take.

"Do it, Edward." Alice demanded.

_I don't want to do this, but I swear to you that I will tell Bella about my vision. I will do it, if you don't pull over and look at the options we have._

Sure. Why not throw that in the mix while we were at it. Like this night wasn't disastrous enough for all of us. It could only be topped if Alice did in fact tell Bella she saw her become a vampire. Didn't she get it though, did she really not see how dangerous James was.

"Listen to me, Alice. I saw his mind. Tracking is his passion, his obsession — and he wants her, Alice —her, specifically. He begins the hunt tonight." I explained

It had been so clear. James had seen my reaction and this has given him all the stimulance he needed to track Bella and kill her. It wasn't even about her. He did this because of me. He wanted to break me. Well, if Bella died, he'd succeed indefinitely.

"He doesn't know where —"

I interrupted her. "How long do you think it will take him to cross her scent in town? His plan was already set before the words were out of Laurent's mouth."

He wouldn't have any trouble finding the Swan house. Bella realized this too.

"Charlie! You can't leave him there! You can't leave him!" she cried.

Another act of cruelty. Because I couldn't care less about Bella's father at this point. All I could allow myself to focus on was to get Bella out of Forks. And than kill James and the others.

"She's right," Alice said. Not surprising she was on Bella's side.

_Edward. Think about Carlisle. Esme. How we've been raised. We all want Bella to be safe. But not at the expense of her father's life._

I knew she was right. And Carlisle would not allow me to put anyone in danger. And, if anything...I owed it to Bella to make sure that at the very least her father would not be killed in the process of keeping her safe.

I lifted my foot from the gas pedal, but only a little, slowing the car to a small extent.

"Let's just look at our options for a minute," Alice coaxed.

"There are no options," I hissed.

"I'm not leaving Charlie!" Bella yelled.

I didn't listen, though I heard her words. She was not the most qualified person to assess and disregard danger. I'd be damned if I let her stay in her house while James was on the prowl.

"We have to take her back," Emmett finally spoke.

Were they all blind? Was this just a way to gang up on me? Did my siblings - who were very much aware of what the average vampire was capable of; let alone one with a clear tracker mind like James - not realize the great amount of danger Bella was in.

"No." I told them.

And _no_ it would be. She would not go home.

"He's no match for us, Edward. He won't be able to touch her."

Emmett sounded so sure. Of course, he only thought about the fight. And yes, one -on- one he'd probably beat James easily. But James was smart. He would wait until the right moment to make his move. And I could not give him any opening to do that.

"He'll wait." I assured Emmett

Emmett smiled. "I can wait, too."

"You didn't see — you don't understand. Once he commits to a hunt, he's unshakable. We'd have to kill him." I suggested

That was the only thing left to do. Kill James. Kill all three of them. I could not have them walk this earth as long as Bella was around.

Emmett didn't seem upset by the idea of killing James. "That's an option."

"And the female. She's with him. If it turns into a fight, the leader will go with them, too."

"There are enough of us." Emmett cheered. He was going over war tactics and fighting techniques in his head. He felt this was going to be his lucky night.

I felt far less fortunate. This may very well have been the worst night of my life.

And Alice made it even worse.

"There's another option," Alice said quietly.

_I might as well tell her, present her with the option. You know she'll find out eventually. Give her the choice._

Present her with the option? Give her this choice between life and undead? Tell her she could be a vampire tonight? Had my sister lost her mind...?

"There — is — no —other — option!" I snarled in mad anger. That was not an option. Not a choice Bella would ever have to make. I'd protect her and kill James. And then, when all was done, I would leave. More and more I began to see this was the only safety measure that was going to be permanently effective.

Emmett and Bella both stared at me in shock but I kept my eyes on Alice

_You know it'll happen. Might as well be now..._

She turned her face away then, unwilling to look at me. Emmett may not care but Alice was losing both her patience with me as well as her respect for me.

Bella broke the silence. "Does anyone want to hear my plan?" she wondered

"No," I growled. Why could she not just keep quiet and let me deal with this. For once I was not happy with her stubbornness, where it usually was so endearing.

Alice glared at me, finally fully provoked. She would defend her friend against my cruelty.

_Don't you dare treat her like this. She is part of this and deserves to have a say. It can't be worse than the stupid thing you want to push through._

"Listen," Bella pleaded. "You take me back."

"No," I interrupted.

It wouldn't matter what she had planned. I could not afford to listen. This time around her ideas - usually quite astute and on the mark - would not be taken into account.

Bella glared at me and spoke again. "You take me back. I tell my dad I want to go home to Phoenix. I pack my bags. We wait till this tracker is watching, and then we run. He'll follow us and leave Charlie alone. Charlie won't call the FBI on your family. Then you can take me any damned place you want."

"It's not a bad idea, really." Emmett's approved

_Quite inventive for a human_, he silently appraised.

"It might work — and we simply can't leave her father unprotected. You know that," Alice said.

Everyone looked at me in anticipation. Hoping their three-span would convince me to take on Bella's plan.

"It's too dangerous — I don't want him within a hundred miles of her.", I stated.

Emmett was supremely confident. "Edward, he's not getting through us."

Alice thought for a minute. "I don't see him attacking. He'll try to wait for us to leave her alone."

"It won't take long for him to realize that's not going to happen." I said

"I demand that you take me home." Bella demanded, trying to sound firm. She was failing though. The raw emotion of this impending and inevitable separation from her father and her home seeped through. The hurt in her voice made little cuts in this put on mask of detachment I upheld. I wanted nothing more but to ignore my siblings in this confined space of the Jeep and tell her how great my love for her was. How this hadn't been what I had planned.

I pressed my fingers to my temples and shut my eyes.

If only I had the chance to escape from this hell for a minute. But no one could escape the hell they had created themselves. Like I had. This was my wrong doing and I needed to set the record straight.

"Please," Bella pleaded softly

More cuts to let my emotions out. I wanted to give in. I did not want to fight. I didn't want to be so harsh with her, so cold. But the more I focussed on her love, the more difficult it would be to follow through with any plan. And possibly eventually that inevitable goodbye.

"You're leaving tonight, whether the tracker sees or not. You tell Charlie that you can't stand another minute in Forks. Tell him whatever story works. Pack the first things your hands touch, and then get in your truck. I don't care what he says to you. You have fifteen minutes. Do you hear me? Fifteen minutes from the time you cross the doorstep." I told her firmly.

I started the Jeep and pressed the gas pedal as hard as I could.

"Emmett?" Bella asked

"Oh, sorry", my brother apologized as he loosened his grip on Bella's hands.

"This is how it's going to happen. When we get to the house, if the tracker is not there, I will walk her to the door. Then she has fifteen minutes." I explained as I glared at Bella in the rear view mirror.

"Emmett, you take the outside of the house. Alice, you get the truck. I'll be inside as long as she is. After she's out, you two can take the Jeep home and tell Carlisle."

"No way," Emmett broke in. "I'm with you."

"Think it through, Emmett. I don't know how long I'll be gone.", I pointed out

A part of me hoped we would be gone very long. The longer she needed my protection, the longer I could postpone the decision to leave her for once and for all.

"Until we know how far this is going to go, I'm with you." Emmett assured me.

You could say whatever you wanted about my brother, but he was loyal.

I sighed. "If the tracker is there," I continued grimly, "we keep driving."

"We're going to make it there before him," Alice said confidently.

That was good. At least we'd make Charlie safe. One worry less. At least I wouldn't be a total disappointment to Bella.

"What are we going to do with the Jeep?" Alice asked.

"You're driving it home." I told her

"No, I'm not," Alice said calmly.

Why would she not just listen to me?

"Dammit Alice. Could you just for once keep your bloody mouth shut and do what I am asking you to do?" I muttered

She glared at me but kept silent. She was just not going to give in.

"We can't all fit in my truck," Bella whispered.

I tried to tune her out. I so desperately wanted to give in. To tell her how much I loved her. Just slip once before putting back on my mask of indifference.

"I think you should let me go alone," Bella said quietly.

More pain in the hollow place where my heart once beat. Let her go alone was not an option. I was not ready for our goodbye yet. I doubted I would ever be.

"Bella, please just do this my way, just this once," I said, my teeth clenched.

"Listen, Charlie's not an imbecile," Bella protested. "If you're not in town tomorrow, he's going to get suspicious."

Who cared what Charlie thought? Making sure he was going to be safe was something I owed to Bella but I couldn't be bothered with worrying about our faltering pretence. I didn't care if the entire town would hunt us with pitch forks. If it meant Bella would be safe, I was all for it.

"That's irrelevant. We'll make sure he's safe, and that's all that matters." I told her.

"Then what about this tracker? He saw the way you acted tonight. He's going to think you're with me, wherever you are." Bella said

She had a point there. Of course. _Nothing_ went past Bella. Not even the mind and behaviour of a vicious killer.

Emmett looked at me "Edward, listen to her," he urged. "I think she's right."

"Yes, she is," Alice agreed.

Still three against one. How was I going to do this if they made it so difficult.

"I can't do that." I said my voice flat and disconnected.

I needed to protect her. I had to use all my focus to manage that. To control the holes that were starting to spread through my body - ready to let all the emotions I held in so carefully erupt. I needed my family to do things my way and they all so eagerly wanted to deny me that. Even Bella, naturally. Why did she have to be so stubborn and so completely without any self preservation...

"Emmett should stay, too," Bella continued. "He definitely got an eyeful of Emmett."

"What?" Emmett turned to look at Bella, one eye brow raised.

_Was that an insult?_, he mused.

"You'll get a better crack at him if you stay," Alice agreed.

"You think I should let her go alone?" I asked in disbelief.

I'd never allow that. _Ever._

"Of course not," Alice said. "Jasper and I will take her."

I also wasn't very willing to allow_ that_. Jasper wasn't exactly the safest person to be around either. And the same - sort of- went for my sister and her sometimes too big of a mind. A mind she gladly shared openly. Unfortunately, it seemed to be the best plan.

"I can't do that," I said again, feeling my arguments weaken, knowing I had no choice but to give in.

"Hang out here for a week" Bella paused as she saw my pained expression... "A few days. Let Charlie see you haven't kidnapped me, and lead this James on a wild-goose chase. Make sure he's completely off my trail. Then come and meet me. Take a roundabout route, of course, and then Jasper and Alice can go home." she offered

This sounded like a plan that could actually work. But the pain, so numbing, so overwhelming as this idea punctured more holes inside me. Could I do it? Could I let her go like that? I knew Alice and Jasper would try and keep her safe without a doubt, but I wasn't so sure if I could handle being separated from Bella very well. It seemed too much like practice for when I truly had to leave her. And this was clearly a sign I had to. Some day.

_Soon._

But right now, it seemed like it was the only option I had.

"Meet you where?" I hesitated

I was desperate for the option to reunite with her. If I couldn't go with her now, I at least needed a place I could go to find her. Even if I had to leave her there and say goodbye in the end.

"Phoenix.", Bella told me

"No. He'll hear that's where you're going," I said impatiently.

"And you'll make it look like that's a ruse, obviously. He'll know that we'll know that he's listening. He'll never believe I'm actually going where I say I am going." Bella explained

"She's diabolical," Emmett chuckled.

_Who knew the clumsy human had such a wicked brain. I like it!_

"And if that doesn't work?" I asked

"There are several million people in Phoenix," Bella informed me.

"It's not that hard to find a phone book." I pointed out.

"I won't go home." Bella assured me.

"Oh?" I managed to choke out. If she wasn't going home, where would she go?

"I'm quite old enough to get my own place." Bella pointed out.

"Edward, we'll be with her," Alice reminded me.

Yes. But I was still not sure if that was such a great idea. Not just because I didn't know if my sister would manage _not_ to share any future-prospective with Bella but also because Phoenix did not exactly harbour a very accommodating or inconspicuous climate for us.

"What are you going to do in Phoenix?" I asked her bitterly

"Stay indoors." Alice retorted

"I kind of like it." Emmett was thinking about the chance to hurt James and enjoying the idea of it immensely.

"Shut up, Emmett." I told him angrily

"Look, if we try to take him down while she's still around, there's a much better chance that someone will get hurt — she'll get hurt, or you will, trying to protect her. Now, if we get him alone…" Emmett trailed off as he started to imagine the fight in his head. He was surely looking forward to it.

I slowed down the Jeep as we drove into town. Bella's heart was beating unevenly and I could still smell fear surrounding her. I wanted so desperately to assure her. To tell her everything was going to be alright. But I just didn't have the believable amount of faith anymore.

"Bella. If you let anything happen to yourself— anything at all — I'm holding you personally responsible. Do you understand that?" I told her as softly as I could manage without breaking down.

"Yes", Bella mumbled

It was a ridiculous thing. I couldn't hold her responsible for something that was utterly and completely my fault. And that was the best thing I managed to come up with. I wanted to tell her that she was my life and instead I berated her like a child.

I turned to Alice. "Can Jasper handle this?"

Could he? Could I ask a new - somewhat unstable vampire - to protect a human from other vampires? I knew he wasn't deliberately after Bella but he was still having a hard time with the smell of humans, especially if they were very close. I remembered his silent reaction this afternoon, with Bella and me in my room, all too well.

"Give him some credit, Edward. He's been doing very, very well, all things considered." Alice told me angrily

"Can you handle this?" I asked.

Alice snarled at me fiercely in response.

_I love her too. You know I would never let anyone harm her. Don't you dare question me!_

"But keep your opinions to yourself," I warned her with a small smile.

The last thing I needed was Alice telling Bella about the haunting future she had seen in store for her. Still, it pleased me to know Alice cared so much for Bella. And she would make sure Jasper wouldn't harm Bella. He would never do anything that would hurt Alice.

We sat in silence for the rest of the drive. Bella gazed at me but I couldn't meet her eyes.

I had to let her go. I knew Alice was going to keep her safe. I even believed Jasper wouldn't harm her despite the fact it wasn't going to be easy.

In fact, the sad truth was, my siblings were probably better at keeping Bella safe than me.

I had nothing to offer her right now.

Not even a sweet reunion.

Just a bitter and unwilling _goodbye._

* * *

**I know, it took me a while. But here it is.**

**Thanks for your continuing wonderful reviews. I truly appreciate them so much! Keep them coming :)**

**About this chapter and my motivations/inspiration behind it:**

**Whenever I read this chapter in Twilight, I always feel Edward shifts from loving and caring guy to incredibly detached to make it easier to protect Bella. It's just a mask because he is terrified to lose Bella. As for his thoughts about leaving her forever, I always felt like this idea never left him - not even in his happy times with Bella, before the nomads come along- and it resurfaces quickly during the last chapters of Twilight. **

**Next up - and hopefully sooner than this chapter - "Goodbyes".**


	14. Goodbyes

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and Midnight Sun, its dialogues, the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2008 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**CHAPTER 11: GOODBYES**

There was a disturbing silence dangling in the air that was pressed into the confinement of the Jeep. We were all lost in our own thoughts. Everyone was disquieted, except for my brother. Emmett was exclusively concentrating on the upcoming, inescapable fight and he was very willing to 'kick some ass', as his mind displayed several fighting manoeuvres to me. I deviated from his eager mind to my sister's thoughts, who was staring out the window with unfocussed eyes. I knew instantly what she was hoping to accomplish. But no matter how hard Alice tried, her vision wouldn't change. She and Jasper would take Bella away from me tonight, while I would fight the monstrous creature that was chasing after her. There was no way around it, no shift in what she saw. I forced myself to concentrate on something else, because I was close to losing my temper at the idea of James and how he had managed to turn our lives into a living hell.

Bella remained silent too; the only sounds in the Jeep were her heart drumming slightly uneven and the very frequent deep breaths she took, seemingly to calm herself.

Occasionally our eyes would meet in the rear view mirror but then, as soon as they did, I'd turn away immediately. I didn't want the temptation of drowning in her gaze, to make me lose my concentration. It wasn't the time to get lost in the longing to be close to her, like we had been yesterday in the meadow when I pressed my ear over her heart to hear it beat so healthy and strong. When I had imagined kissing Bella and that conjured up figment had not done the moment our lips touched any justice. Or when I had watched her sleep in my arms. All those precious moments felt like distant memories now, echoes of how perfect my life had been a day ago. And I didn't want to reminisce. That would only make it more difficult when we would have to say goodbye in a little while.

It was inevitable. No matter what would happen tomorrow or the next day, tonight Bella and I would have to part ways and no one could be certain about when we would see each other again.

_If_ we would see each other again.

I believed that Alice and Jasper would do everything in their power to keep Bella safe. In one short hour Bella would be out of Forks, and far away from James. I tried to concentrate on the fact this was pivotal. Rationally, I knew that the practicality of Bella's safety outweighed any emotion I experienced at the idea of being away from her.

When we reached Bella's house, we all saw the multiple rays of light coming from the windows.

Charlie was waiting up for Bella.

Some ill-timing this was, it would have been easier for Bella if her father had been asleep. Perhaps leaving him a note with the message of her departure wasn't exactly the right way to handle this, but a confrontation with the risk Charlie was going to be difficult about it, was far from ideal.

I knew Bella was aware of this too, as she sighed when looking out the window noticing the bright lights coming from the living room.

I pulled up slowly, staying well back from Bella's truck. A curtain at the front window moved and I knew Chief Swan was watching and waiting for his daughter to go inside. For a brief moment my mind flashed to what it would have been like if we hadn't come across James and his coven tonight. If I had brought her home on time, like I had promised her father. How would that have occurred with Charlie watching us from the front window? Would I have kissed her? Or would Charlie have opened the door before I lean in to make sure that I wouldn't. They were absurd questions to wonder about at the moment so I rebuffed myself to concentrate on the more important matters at hand.

My siblings and I turned immobile when I turned off the engine. We listened to every sound coming from the woods, looking through every shadow, catching every scent to see if there was anything out of place or any hint of a threat.

Several people on Bella's street were already asleep. Their breathing was deeper with hearts beating at a slower rhythm. Those that were still awake were unaware of the dangers wandering around their streets.

I listened for James' wicked mind to be near but nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Except for that one heart beat pacing at a faster tempo than it should. It was the one rhythm that I could hear from a mile away. The one sound I'd recognize in a crowded space full of beating hearts, like it was _my_ own personal lullaby. A sharp pain rippled through my dead heart at the idea that the strong pulsing of Bella's heart beat would merely echo inside me until we'd be together again. I severely dreaded the day when I would no longer hear my favourite sound permanently. The day I'd leave Bella _forever._

There was no escaping this painful thought, no matter how hard I tried. It always came back to the unbearable knowledge of the fact that eventually it would no longer be reasonable to remain at Bella's side. It had never been normal and at some point we would push it to nonsensical limits. Perhaps tonight that breaking point had arrived. The encounter with James certainly hinted at it. Maybe it would be better for Bella to stay behind in Phoenix once we would take care of James. At least she would be safe there. Unlike here in Forks where she risked her life when she was with me.

The street was empty and quiet. The woods only harboured the quite sounds of a night owl calling and a few rabbits bounding through the ferns. It seemed like everything was perfectly all right. Such a deceptive picture.

"He's not here," I said tensely. "Let's go."

Emmett reached over to help Bella out of the harness.

"Don't worry, Bella," he said in a low but cheerful voice, "we'll take care of things here quickly."

I envied the simplicity of my brother's mind. It truly never occurred to him that things would not be taken care of in a quick manner. It didn't even cross his mind that we wouldn't be able to beat James.

Bella looked up at my brother with eyes that were glistening from the tears they were filled with.

This surprised Emmett. _Is she gonna cry?_ He wondered.

_Weird._

"Alice, Emmett." I commanded. They needed no elaboration as they vanished soundlessly into the darkness. Emmett took the woods behind Bella's house, while Alice went to check the back- and front yard.

I opened the door and helped Bella out of the Jeep. I took her hand and put my arm around her in protection. Her heart still managed to respond to the electrifying collision caused by our bodies interacting. Her hand, deliciously warm in the lock of my cold skin and her body, softly pressed against mine, were trying to bring me into this small delirium I would normally gladly get lost in, but could not afford to at this moment.

I took in the space around me, trying to find anything out of place, any movement that could pose a threat to Bella.

"Fifteen minutes," I warned under my breath.

"I can do this." Bella sniffled.

Her heart was pounding so fast, likely due to the knowledge of having to face her father without being able to tell him the truth. Tears were rolling down her cheeks with a force that didn't seem like it could be stopped.

These tears weren't like the ones Bella had spilled this afternoon, when I had played the composition that was entirely inspired by her. Her tears then had been my reward for creating the lullaby. I had been desperate to feel that reward and taste the salty core of Bella's emotions. These fresh tears weren't meant to be deserved, unless they were the - now bitter - reminder of my complete failure at keeping Bella out of harm's way.

Bella stopped on the porch and turned to face me. Her eyes were wild with the emotions she tried to push back, but couldn't. She took a hold of my face in her hands and gazed into my eyes.

The detachment I had deliberately forced myself to feel tonight began to crumble as we stood there. I could no longer hold on to the cold attitude meant to keep my mind sane from emotions which would indefinitely distract and weaken me.

"I love you," Bella whispered intensely. "I will always love you, no matter what happens now."

"Nothing is going to happen to you, Bella," I fiercely assured her.

Standing here, with her warm hands caressing my face, it was so easy to pretend I was in fact just bringing her home safe and sound. That I could allow myself to lean in and feel her full red lips on mine. That it was possible for me to spend the night in her bedroom, like I had the last. But then her last words touched my mind and the radars of my worry began to work over time again without the protection of my indifference.

_I will always love you, no matter what happens now._

Her first words had been beautiful, like an enigma to me. After everything that had taken place at the clearing and since then, it seemed so surreal to hear Bella say she loved me. I wanted to cling on to those words, to that belief with every fibre of my being, but I knew the words that had followed her declaration of love held a larger and far more painful truth in them.

There _was_ no way of knowing what would happen now. One thing went without question though; we would have to part ways tonight. That made Bella's words all the more sour.

"Just follow the plan, okay? Keep Charlie safe for me. He's not going to like me very much after this, and I want to have the chance to apologize later."

What would she ever need to apologize for? This turbulence was definitely not her fault. I could take all the - _unwanted_ - credit for that.

"Get inside, Bella. We have to hurry." I urged her. This confrontation with Charlie needed to be over with fast. The sooner Alice and Jasper could escort Bella out of Forks without getting into additional trouble.

"One more thing," Bella whispered passionately. "Don't listen to another word I say tonight!"

What did _that _mean? Was she being sarcastic, because I had refused to listen to her plans when we were in the Jeep earlier?

As I tried to make sense of what she meant, I leaned in closer to her, to find a clue in her eyes. Bella's scent and her warmth hit me like a blazing fan, forcing me into a moment of incapacitation. Because my mind was temporarily clouded, I was not prepared when Bella stretched up on her toes to crush her warm lips to my ice-cold ones with a physical power that was entirely foreign to me.

So much pre-emptive hurt - brought on by our imminent separation - burned in that one kiss. If only I could bask in the glow of her heat forever. I felt my stone demeanour break and I wanted nothing more but to throw my arms around her, whisk her away from this horrific place and leave my family to deal with James.

Of course that wasn't fair. My family wouldn't even be in this situation if it hadn't been for me. I wasn't just to blame for putting Bella into danger, but I also caused trouble for my family.

As unexpected as Bella's sudden interchange had felt, it was just as surprising when she abruptly pulled away, pushed me back and kicked the front door open with force.

"Go away, Edward!" she yelled as she ran inside and slammed the door shut in my - frozen with shock - face.

It could have been a second or perhaps two before I realized this was part of Bella's plan to make sure her father wouldn't stop her from leaving. Of course, that didn't give me that much more insight into how this plan was going to unfold itself and whether or not it was going to be successful. As far as forming a plan to leave home because a murderous fiend was chasing you and you couldn't tell your father this, could be seen a success in the first place.

I climbed up the wall and through Bella's bedroom window just as she entered her room. She closed and locked her door, leaving Charlie standing there, pounding.

She dived under her mattress to pull out a knotted sock, containing a small bundle of money. She threw it in an old duffle bag.

"Bella, are you okay? What's going on?" Charlie sounded frightened. His mind jumped to the conclusion that I had done something to violate her trust and possibly violate her physically as well. He flipped through the images of Bella as she had kicked the door open and had bounded up the stairs. Charlie's thoughts were scanning for bruises or torn clothes. Naturally, as a father he assumed the worst, the most repulsive thing. "I'm going home", Bella clarified.

"Did he hurt you?" His tone edged toward was thinking about getting his gun.

It was almost laughable, as I was tempted to open the door and tell Charlie a wholehearted 'yes'. I _had_ hurt her. Perhaps not in the way Charlie had considered -which was unbearable to think about - but I had hurt her just the same. That was all I had done from the moment she had walked into that class room. Maybe Chief Swan should just arrest me for that, sentence me to some kind of punishment. Of course, all this inner agitation was already feeling like a life-time sentence.

"No!" Bella's voice went a few octaves higher as we packed her things. I pulled items of clothing from her dresser and threw them at her.

"Did he break up with you?" Charlie sounded perplexed now. If I hadn't hurt in the way he had assumed I might have, then why was Bella upset. He didn't understand.

"No!" Bella yelled breathlessly. The bag was pretty much full now and Bella started fidgeting with the zipper to close it.

"What happened, Bella?" Charlie shouted through the door, pounding again.

"I broke up with him!" Bella shouted back, jerking on the zipper of the bag.

The words were part of the lie she had to convince Charlie with. A lie that stung.

I softly pushed her hands aside as I zipped the bag. I gently put the strap over Bella's arm.

"I'll be in the truck — go!" I whispered and I pushed her toward the door.

In two seconds I was outside on the ground again, where Alice and Emmett were waiting for us to leave in the shadows.

"Alice, you take the Jeep", I ordered and for once she went without arguing.

"Emm, you follow behind. James is close now. We have to hurry..." I urged.

I went to the truck and put the key in the ignition. Then I waited for Bella to come out as I divided my extra hearing between listening for James and the confrontation between Bella and her father.

James was near now. _Very near_. He was skulking in the shadows of the woods behind Bella's house. The night owl was quiet now and I could no longer here the rabbits dashing through the ferns. There was a - fitting - sinister silence.

_Sinister_ because James was too far away for me to properly access his thoughts but close enough to come out and pose a threat to Bella.

I knew he wouldn't come out of hiding though, because that would cheapen his game. He liked the challenge far too much to do this the easy way. He was curious about how we were going to take care of things and that was why he waited. And, to find a strange positive in the fact he was lingering far too close to Bella's house, perhaps with this near proximity he would overhear Bella leaving and follow us instead of going after Charlie too. It would be nice to make sure Bella had a father to go home to, although I was less concerned with keeping Charlie safe than I was with protecting his daughter. She was undoubtedly my number one priority.

Meanwhile, Bella wasn't having it easy as she tried to convince Charlie to let her go.

"Just let me go, Charlie." Bella said angrily as she appeared in the door-way. "It didn't work out, okay? I really, really hate Forks!"

The cruelty of her words made Charlie's thoughts very incoherent. He was blown away, defeated and as I saw the horror and sadness on his face, I vowed I would bring her home to him. Even if I had to give her up and leave her so she would never be in this position again, I would still do everything in my power to bring her home to her father.

Bella ran through the yard, the shadows of the night chasing after her. She sprinted for her truck and nearly tripped over her own feet. I almost got out of the car to help her, but she steadied herself and made it. She threw her duffle bag in the bed and got in.

"I'll call you tomorrow!" Bella yelled, her face wet from the tears that were streaming. There was so much hurt in her eyes and no way for me to make it better. I could only make it worse, no matter what kind of support I would try to offer her.

Bella started the engine and shifted to peel out. I reached for her hand.

"Pull over," I said as Bella's house and her father vanished in the darkness behind us.

"I can drive," Bella said through the tears pouring down her cheeks.

I gripped her waist - something that would normally immediately awaken feelings inside my stomach resulting in the yearning to want to kiss her silly until my control slipped too much; something I couldn't even think about now - and I pushed her foot off the gas pedal. I pulled her across my lap and peeled her fingers from the wheel, placing her into the passenger seat with one hand as I grabbed the steering wheel.

Bella stared at me in surprise.

"You wouldn't be able to find the house," I explained.

In my side-view mirror I saw Alice approaching in the Jeep. The lights flared and Bella's eyes grew wide with horror as she stared out the back window.

"It's just Alice," I assured her as I took her hand.

"The tracker?" Bella whispered

"He heard the end of your performance," I told her grimly.

James was following us now, but he continued to stay far enough behind to make it impossible for me to access his mind properly.

"Charlie?" Bella asked in dread.

"The tracker followed us. He's running behind us now." I said quietly

Her hand trembled in mine at the news of this. Her breath caught a little. But I didn't need those reminders to know how afraid she was. I could _smell_ it.

Her scent, so heavenly, was obscured with her fear, making the air around us taste sharply unpleasant.

"Can we outrun him?" Bella wondered.

I sped the truck up in response. "No." The engine protested as I tried to push it over fifty.

As Bella glanced back at Alice headlights, Emmett reached us from the side. I knew he was going to jump into the bed but it still startled Bella when he did.

She let out a scream, that I muffled with my hand.

"It's Emmett!" I told her. I pulled my hand away from her mouth and wounded my arm tightly around her waist.

"It's okay, Bella," I promised. "You're going to be safe."

Such a promise to make. It was ironic, coming from the one person who managed to put Bella into danger almost constantly. And despite the most overpowering, all consuming love I felt for her, it wasn't just ironic, it was a plain insult. If I had been a normal man, than none of this would have happened.

We raced through town toward the north highway, back to the house. Every street was quiet, unaware of the monster dashing through, imposing such a threat. Of course, a legitimate question was - who was this monster, making the streets unsafe - was it truly James, who acted on instinct and simply followed a prey or was it perhaps me; blocking those same instincts because I was so desperate to be a man, but failed to and brought on as much danger as James had.

I wasn't sure about the real answer.

"I didn't realize you were still so bored with small-town life," I said, trying to start a conversation to push back the worries that were making my head burst like a silent migraine. "It seemed like you were adjusting fairly well — especially recently. Maybe I was just flattering myself that I was making life more interesting for you"

_Interesting_? That assumption was certainly wry. Interesting would have been a normal guy with a fast car, or a motor-cycle. Not an almost century old vampire who managed to get the only woman he loved in that almost hundred years in deadly trouble from the moment they had met. Maybe I was the one who went backwards with all this.

"I wasn't being nice," Bella confessed, as she stared at her knees, not facing me. "That was the same thing my mom said when she left him. You could say I was hitting below the belt."

_Hmm_, no wonder Charlie's thoughts had been all over the place. He was reliving the past in a painful way as his daughter had opened up wounds that had taken so long to heal.

Another thing I was responsible for. A flow chart would no longer be able to keep up with all the pain I had inflicted tonight.

"Don't worry. He'll forgive you." I said, forcing myself to show her a reassuring smile. I surely hoped Charlie would. For Bella's sake, not mine. I deserved all the guilt that was aiming for me.

Bella wasn't fooled by my gesture as she stared at me in desperation, her eyes wide with pure panic.

"Bella, it's going to be all right."

Really, how many more times would I be able to say that before it would truly become even more of a joke than it already was. Before Bella would turn to me and tell me I was wrong, that I was insulting her by even suggesting it. It couldn't be long, that was for sure.

Then again, this was _Bella_. Who was selfless and caring, brave and strong. Bella; who had allowed a vampire into her life. Bella who kept the Cullen secret without hesitance. Bella who proved how much she loved me every day she stayed at my side. Perhaps her love for me could truly take any kind of turmoil.

"But it won't be all right when I'm not with you," Bella whispered.

A sharp, mere psychological stab pierced my heart. As I threw her these meaningless nothings, these words that amounted to so very little, she pressed down to the sole truth of it all.

I was a selfish monster that was a fact. Whether Bella agreed with me or not. I had made so many mistakes these past few months and I should have left a long time ago or remained in Denali instead of coming back.

But I hadn't. I had returned and courted Bella and she never objected to it. Now we were more than just in love. We were connected for life, or in my case existence. So yes, Bella managed to get down to the core of it when she said it wouldn't be all right when we were not together.

That was the crux of the matter, because being together was as heavenly as it was harmful to Bella. And to try and decide what should weigh heavier was surely not an easy task. Perhaps I would be less subjective once Bella safely made it out of Forks. When her scent wouldn't burn me and cloud my objectivity. Maybe I would be able to say goodbye then.

Right, that didn't seem very likely. But for her sake eventually I would have to moister up that strength, even if it would kill me.

"We'll be together again in a few days," I said, tightening my arm around her.

I truly hoped this was a promise and a truth I could hold onto. Because in order for me to be able to say goodbye forever, I really wanted the option to have a reunion first. Tonight couldn't be our final goodbye.

"Don't forget that this was your idea." I reminded her softly.

"It was the best idea — of course it was mine."

I smiled at this but I couldn't hold the pose for long. It was like my jaw didn't bend that way any more. Granted, there was very little to smile about.

"_Why_ did this happen?" Bella asked, her voice cracking "_Why_ me?"

Wasn't that obvious to her? She couldn't be so blind to the fact this was all my fault. Even someone as compassionate and loving as Bella, surely understood that she had been put into danger over and over because of me. At some point she would have to get angry and put the blame for the mess that was her life right now on me. Her love couldn't be this undoubted, could it? Eventually she would hate me for all the things I put her through.

"It's my fault — I was a fool to expose you like that." I said darkly, unable to hide my self-loathing.

Saying it aloud made it more real. This entire night was like a nightmare, where James was the monster hiding under the bed. But the truth was, and I hated this so much - I was the real boogey-man.

"That's not what I meant," Bella insisted. "I was there, big deal. It didn't bother the other two. Why did this James decide to kill me. There're people all over the place, why me?"

How was it possible she refused to see my part in all this? The biggest part, the most unforgivable part. Why could she not see what a horrible being I was? I certainly could no longer doubt that she loved me as much as I loved her.

And her question made sense. I kept silent as I thought about how to answer her question.

"I got a good look at his mind tonight," I began in a low voice. "I'm not sure if there's anything I could have done to avoid this, once he saw you. It is partially your fault."

_Technically_ this was true. Her scent was so powerful that it would call any vampire out there. But to most of them she was just a tasty snack. James however had realized soon enough she was more than a snack. In food terms, he usually didn't trouble himself with the deeper taste of it, or to even play with his food. But Bella had peeked his undivided interest.

Still, to tell her so straight forward that this situation was partially her doing was wrong. I should have known much better. Of course now it was too late to change my wording.

"If you didn't smell so appallingly luscious, he might not have bothered. But when I defended you… well, that made it a lot worse. He's not used to being thwarted, no matter how insignificant the object. He thinks of himself as a hunter and nothing else. His existence is consumed with tracking, and a challenge is all he asks of life. Suddenly we've presented him with a beautiful challenge — a large clan of strong fighters all bent on protecting the one vulnerable element. You wouldn't believe how euphoric he is now. It's his favourite game, and we've just made it his most exciting game ever." I told her in disgust.

I paused as I thought of that. James was still following us, enjoying the chase. He was surprisingly patient; he hadn't tried to attack once. His mind was even quite neutral now, not that I could make much of it. He was waiting for the right time and certain it would come.

"But if I had stood by, he would have killed you right then," I said with hopeless frustration.

I went mad at the idea of this and my mind momentarily went back to yesterday, to the repelling vision the monster inside had played me; Bella. Ice cold and pale white. Dead. In my arms, like a broken doll unable to be put back together. Dead, because _I_ had killed her. Then the vision replaced me with an outrageous James standing over Bella's body laughing, enjoying the damage he had caused. It internally appalled and infuriated me, but I didn't want to scare Bella by smashing the side-window. I clenched my fists to calm myself.

"I thought… I didn't smell the same to the others… as I do to you," Bella said hesitantly.

Always so backwards. She was actually interested to know how James' mind operated.

"You don't. But that doesn't mean that you aren't still a temptation to every one of them. If you had appealed to the tracker — or any of them — the same way you appeal to me, it would have meant a fight right there."

_Right._ James could try, but he would never get through me. No matter what. Bella had brought me to life and I would defend her life with that gift. James could kill me, I didn't care. As long as Bella was safe.

She shuddered against my arm as she thought it through. What I wouldn't give for a glimpse into her mind right now. How scared was she? Her heart was still drumming unsteadily. Maybe Carlisle would have to give her a sedative so she would be able to sleep during the drive to Arizona. I didn't want Bella to become even more fragile than she already was.

"I don't think I have any choice but to kill him now," I muttered. "Carlisle won't like it."

My father hated violence. He held the firm belief that communication was the key to facing and resolving problems. It had worked with Bella. Because of her darn curious nature we had managed to keep the lines of communication open, even after I had behaved so rudely when we first met. If she hadn't pressed on and tried to befriend me, than I would have never had the chance to be with her. Of course after tonight that should have been better.

We were almost at the house now. This relaxed me a little bit. With Esme, Carlisle, Jasper and Rosalie there, we did have a good shot at killing James without too much fuss.

"How can you kill a vampire?" Bella spoke in nothing but a whisper.

It was a typical 'Bella' question to ask. She didn't seem to get enough of all the terrible things that upheld my nature. I didn't enjoy the answer of this one though. Not because I didn't want to be honest, but mostly because killing one of our kind, or killing anyone in general, having our animalistic side exposed like that was not something I really wanted to share. It sparked a rage in me that was hard to explain. Thinking about ripping James to pieces, made the venom spew in my mouth.

"The only way to be sure is to tear him to shreds, and then burn the pieces." I said harshly.

I had never tried this before, but Jasper had. He had found it to be very effective.

"And the other two will fight with him?" Bella assumed

"The woman will. I'm not sure about Laurent. They don't have a very strong bond — he's only with them for convenience. He was embarrassed by James in the meadow…"

"But James and the woman — they'll try to kill you?" Bella asked her voice raw.

They would_ try _but quite frankly I couldn't get myself to worry about it. If that was what it would take to give Bella her life - free from fear - back, than I would die for it. In comparison to her death it seemed like a very small price to pay.

"Bella, don't you dare waste time worrying about me. Your only concern is keeping yourself safe and — please, please — trying not to be reckless."

_That_ would be something. In all our attempts to make sure Bella would be all right, she would get hurt because of something she would do to herself. That would be just my luck. And _hers_.

"Is he still following?" Bella asked.

"Yes. He won't attack the house, though. Not tonight."

James loved a good challenge but he wasn't a fool. Seven vampires were too much of a challenge, even for him. He would wait for the right time. _That_ made him so dangerous. I could hardly access his mind and the things I did read were generic, nothing concrete, except how he loved the element of surprise very much.

I turned off onto the drive way with Alice following behind us.

We drove right up to the house. The lights inside were bright, but the darkness of the forest now posed a new threat to the house. He would be waiting there.

I had barely pulled up or Emmett had jumped out the bed, opened Bella's door and pulled her out, to carry her inside, safely tucked to his chest.

Before Alice and I entered behind them, I had already smelled the stinking, unpleasant company. So did my brother as he growled deeply at the sight of Laurent.

Emmett put Bella down right beside me as I glared at the dark haired unwelcome vampire.

"He's tracking us," I told him angrily.

Laurent's face was unhappy. "I was afraid of that."

From the corner of my eye - My focus never left Laurent - I noticed how Alice and Jasper flitted up the stairs, Alice ordering Jasper to pack some things. I didn't catch more than the gist of it, as I was too busy to properly concentrate on what my sister was planning.

Rosalie watched them, and then took a stance next to Emmett. Her eyes were intense and — when they flickered to Bella — furious. So were her thoughts. And I was not able to block them for the life of me, as they were entirely directed at me.

_It's one thing to start a fight, but if Emmett gets hurt, I will kill her myself._

"What will he do?" Carlisle asked Laurent chillingly

"I'm sorry," he answered. "I was afraid, when your boy there defended her that it would set him off."

"Can you stop him?" Carlisle inquired.

Laurent shook his head. "Nothing stops James when he gets started."

"We'll stop him," Emmett promised. There was no doubt what he meant. He would have no problem with hunting and killing James. He was looking forward to it more and more as seconds passed.

"You can't bring him down. I've never seen anything like him in my three hundred years. He's absolutely lethal. That's why I joined his coven." Laurent explained

I had already seen this at the clearing. James had seemed too meaningless and so plain. But that was a cover-up. Laurent's presence as the leader was just a ploy. He was practically harmless compared to James.

Laurent shook his head as he glanced at Bella, perplexed, and then back to Carlisle. "Are you sure it's worth it?"

I was ready to rip him apart for that comment as I growled at him, enraged with the absurd suggestion that Bella was _not_ worth it. _She _was the entire reason; I would gladly do this without any remorse.

My father warned me with his eyes just as I was about to shift into a crouch.

_Edward, stop! Laurent is a peon, he is not worth losing your composure over. We won't lower ourselves to that kind of behaviour. And it's not something Bella should ever have to see._

He then faced Laurent again. "I'm afraid you're going to have to make a choice."

Laurent understood. He deliberated for a moment. He looked around the room as he tried to come to a decision. Personally I could not care less about what he decided. I doubted he'd take our side and I didn't even want him to. He too needed to be far away from Bella.

"I'm intrigued by the life you've created here. But I won't get in the middle of this. I bear none of you any enmity, but I won't go up against James. I think I will head north — to that clan in Denali." He hesitated.

Of course, Laurent was a coward. Not quite a worthy opponent and indeed not worth losing control over.

"Don't underestimate James. He's got a brilliant mind and unparalleled senses. He's every bit as comfortable in the human world as you seem to be, and he won't come at you head on… I'm sorry for what's been unleashed here. Truly sorry." He bowed his head, but I noticed how he shot Bella another puzzled look

I don't understand. So much fuss over this human.

"Go in peace," was Carlisle's formal answer.

Laurent took another long look around and then he hurried out the door.

As soon as he was gone, my father turned to me.

"How close?" Carlisle asked

_Too close_. James was waiting for us to make a move. He was ready for whatever was going to happen. Laurent had been right about that; James got by well in the human world.

Esme was already moving; her hand touched an inconspicuous keypad on the wall and with a groan, huge metal shutters began sealing up the glass wall.

Carlisle had them installed when we had moved here. Tonight was the first time we used them. Perhaps the last time too. If things would end badly tonight - and there was no way of knowing whether or not they would or wouldn't - then there was a realistic chance we would have to move again.

"About three miles out past the river; he's circling around to meet up with the female." I told Carlisle

"What's the plan?" he wondered.

"We'll lead him off, and then Jasper and Alice will run her south."

"And then?" my father asked out of formality. He already knew the answer to this question and this was not a pleasing thought to him.

"As soon as Bella is clear, we hunt him." I stated.

"I guess there's no other choice," Carlisle agreed, his face grim.

There _was_ no other choice. Well, there was _one_, but that was as much a death sentence as hunting James was. Except, instead of killing James, I would be taking away Bella's life to trade it in for a safer route of immortality. And that was more unforgivable than all the things I had already caused, combined.

So the one choice we had - getting Bella out of town and hunt James - needed to start to be executed right away.

I turned to Rosalie, knowing she would not be very accommodating to anything I would request.

"Get her upstairs and trade clothes," I commanded.

She stared back at me with livid disbelief. _As if, Edward..._

"Why should I?" she hissed aloud. "_What _is she to me? Except a menace — a danger you've chosen to inflict on all of us."

Oh, she_ would _get hers. But there was no time for that now.

"Rose…" Emmett murmured, putting one hand on her shoulder. She shook it off.

He shot me an apologetic glance. He would not be able to change her mind either.

"Esme?" I asked as calmly as I could. I would deal with Rosalie's behaviour in a moment. Right now, this plan needed to proceed at a high tempo. We couldn't waste any time.

"Of course," Seem murmured and she was already at the top of the stairs with Bella in her arms by the time my love could comprehend what was happening.

As soon as they were out of sight I turned to Rosalie who shot me a mocking smile. That send me over the edge.

"What the hell is your problem?! Can't you leave your pettiness and selfishness out of something for once?" I growled

Rosalie glared at me and then moved towards me with a wicked glint in her eyes. "You are one to talk about being selfish. It's the sole reason we are in trouble now", she spoke darkly

My eyes must have shown a hint of the pain I felt at the stinging truth of her words because she smiled like she was pleased with herself.

"Boohoo Edward, get over it! This is your fault. And I for one, hope you choke on your guilt if this ends badly"

I don't know how fast it happened, as I was blinded with rage - all the frustration about this entire night was about to burst - but before I could properly lunge myself at Rosalie, Carlisle was there to stop me.

I wrestled against his grip as I hissed at her. "I hope _you _don't choke on your jealousy at some point"

Emmett reacted to this internally as he wondered what I meant by that._ Jealous? What's Rose jealous of?_

Oh, I would tell him if Rosalie wouldn't start displaying a better attitude around Bella. I glared at her in disgust and she growled at me in response.

_Bite me, Edward._

Oh, gladly. Your wish, my command. But I was still moving against my father's iron grip and he wasn't having it.

"Enough! There is no time for this. And we are a family. Bella is a part of us now. We keep our family safe", he spoke the last words slowly as he turned to Rosalie.

She rolled her eyes and flitted back to Emmett's side.

Just then Jasper stalked in from the kitchen, carrying two heavy loaded back-packs.

He handed me one and tossed the other to Emmett who caught it without even looking.

"What's in them?" he wondered

"A few pressured propellants and some flares. I figured that wouldn't be too conspicuous." Jasper explained.

Leave it to my combat brother to know his explosive materials.

"But it will be more than enough to kill James", he added

"Awesome, looks like party material to me", Emmett approved with a grin.

Carlisle intervened at this. "Killing him is one thing", he warned, "But we will not treat this like we're enjoying it. Killing someone, no matter how vicious they are is not 'fun', we are above that." he added

Emmett shrugged at this. "Fine. Thought I cannot promise I _won't_ enjoy myself a little when we kill James. "

Esme, Bella and Alice reappeared at the top of the stairs and my sister and mother carried Bella downstairs. I could smell the difference in her scent and hoped it would be enough to distract James for the amount of time needed to have Jasper and Alice drive her out of Forks.

Carlisle handed phones to Alice and Esme and then unfolded the plan.

"Esme and Rosalie will be taking your truck, Bella," he told her as he passed.

Rosalie glared at Bella and then at Carlisle. But his words about family would force her to do what he ordered. No one ever went against our father, not even pig-headed Rosalie.

"Alice, Jasper — take the Mercedes. You'll need the dark tint in the south." he continued.

"We're taking the Jeep." he told me and I nodded.

"Alice," Carlisle asked, "will they take the bait?"

Alice closed her eyes and remained still for several seconds. Before she spoke to tell the others I had already seen it in her mind. James would assume that Bella was going to be with me and so he would follow us. That was good. Just what we needed in order to have the plan succeed.

"He'll track you. The woman will follow the truck. We should be able to leave after that." she explained aloud.

"Let's go." Carlisle began to walk toward the kitchen.

I stood there in debate for one small - thought it felt like an endless - second. A part of me either wanted to postpone this inevitable moment or plain follow my father out without a word, to make things less painful. I had been dreading this since the nomads had appeared in the clearing. The time to say goodbye was here.

But how did one say goodbye to their other half, knowing it would leave them both incomplete.

And what if this was the last time I saw her? Shouldn't I allow myself to feel the glory of her scent and her body one more time? Even if I didn't deserve it one bit. One more selfish act to add to my list of misdemeanours.

The longing to hold her and feel her warmth one more time, decided it for me and I was at Bella's side instantly. I pulled her close to me and lifted her off the floor in a tight embrace. My lips crushed to hers and for a moment it felt like time had stopped. I didn't care if my family saw this public display of affection - I was I heard Rosalie gag- all that mattered was Bella's lips heating mine, sending these desperate sensations through my body. I wanted nothing but to remain here, prolonging the occasion. But this was already painful enough, so pulling away would have to be rather sooner than later. The longer we waited now, the more impossible this separation would get. I took one last look into the amazing depths of Bella's chocolate eyes and then turned around and stalked out the room, leaving her stand there, her heart stammering.

I went into the garage almost blindly as I could hear Bella sobbing in the background. The last sound I would hear from her. It made me want to cry _too_.

My lips felt cold and empty, like stone and ice. My entire body - so alive for these past few months - had the same response. I was _nothing _again. I had transformed into the hunter with only one purpose. Find the beast and eliminate him.

Carlisle was already in the driver seat while Emmett slid in the back of the Jeep. As soon as I shut the door, we sped out only to halt at the beginning of the drive way. We all listened tensely and after a few seconds we concluded James was further back, at the end of the path - I could smell the combination of the dirt on his body and the anticipation this freshly presented hunt made him feel. He was ready to follow us, while Victoria was waiting for Bella's red truck to pull out.

I took out my cell-phone and called Esme, who answered right away.

"You and Rose have to leave now, Victoria won't make a move until you do", I told her after which I hung up again.

Mere seconds after the call, Esme and Rosalie came into sight in Bella's truck, which they drove west. I scanned Victoria's chaotic thoughts and learned she started to follow them as soon as she saw the vehicle appear.

_So far, so good._ James was waiting near the end of the drive way, not entirely sure when we would come out. Well, his waiting was about to be rewarded. Until we would crush his patience. Emmett was bouncing in the back seat. He couldn't wait to clash with James.

I dialed another number and Alice picked up before it had ringed once.

"We're almost the end of the driveway now; we're heading north. James is waiting for us to pass him so he can follow. You have to go now," I said urgently

We passed the end of the path that led to the house. James was so close and after we moved past him - he was standing there in a few thick bushes. - it only took him less than half a second before he started to follow us.

"Keep Bella safe for me, please", I begged in a whisper before I hung up.

Carlisle shot a glance at me and gave me a look of encouragement.

_Have faith, son, _was the comfort he offered.

_Faith_? How could I have faith or believe in anything when my entire body felt immobile and dead. More dead then I had been before Bella had come along. How could I even survive one moment without her, when it felt so meaningless, so colourless now?

_So lifeless._

Would this be the thing to finally break that cold dead heart of mine? I had been sure it would when I had entered Bella's room that first night. I had been sure that I could never be the man Bella needed but by some amazing twist of faith Bella had spoken my name in her sleep, bringing my dormant heart to life. Instead of a broken heart I had ended up with an alive one. That night my immeasurable love for her had settled in every portion of my body. Which felt so empty now.

As I glanced outside, I could feel something shattering. Like exploding glass.

My heart of stone.

_Smashed and broken._

* * *

**OK, just in time for the holidays!**

**Thank you to everyone whose been leaving me reviews so loyally, I love it! Keep them coming.**

**I have been getting some questions about whether or not I will continue with New Moon after I am done with this. I really haven't decided on it, to be honest. I would love to write about Edward's time away from Bella, not to mention the breakup and reunion. So who knows. It might help to get a good title first ;) Thanks for flattering me with the request though, it's so amazing :)**

**About the chapter: Edward feels incredibly guilty, that's obvious. Which is why I have him thinking about saying goodbye so much. I always thought he never went back to his old self (how he was before James came along) and that it just took him another disaster (Jasper/the cut at Bella's b-day) to finally make the decision to leave but that it had been something he knew he had to do long before he actually left.**

**I might try and update before or in between the holidays, but I can't be sure.**

**So in advance: I wish everyone Happy and Warm Holidays!**


	15. The Space Between

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and Midnight Sun, its dialogues, the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2008 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**CHAPTER 12: THE SPACE BETWEEN**

_"Will I hold you again?_

_Will I hold..."_

* * *

_A brand new day._

It was quite unbelievable to see it arise. There was a normalcy hidden in it that almost felt hopeful. Especially after the longest night of my life.

Being immortal meant all nights were unending. Rather that, they used to be limited less but then, like a grand manifestation of life for me, Bella had arrived in Forks. Suddenly there was a distinction between day and night; variable degrees of significance in both.

But last night all the importance in my world and the asunder between dark and light had ceased to exist for me. Perhaps only temporarily, but it sure felt very permanent.

Just when I couldn't take much more and I was ready for the gloom to take me, strangely enough, the sky had started to colour a strange mixture of a buttery yellow, fire-red and violet.

And suddenly it was a brand new day and with it came new chances.

We had been driving all night. We mostly stayed on the 101, passing Port Angeles and then heading straight for Tacoma and Seattle, carefully avoiding the Olympic Peaks. The reason my father remained on the state highways, rather than choosing the mountains - after all Emmett's Jeep could easily take the rougher terrain - was that technically, we were supposed to drive 'Bella' somewhere north. And although James had managed to keep up, it was slowing him to an extent because he tried to stay close to the roads. This was - I presumed - where he could smell Bella best. But, even for a vampire with super speed, running along side a -packed with traffic- high way wasn't that easy. Still, he managed to keep up and kept following us, like we intended. We were hoping to buy time with the longer alternative route. As long as he followed us, he'd be too preoccupied to go after Bella.

It helped that we had a good streak of luck with the Jeep managing to savour Bella's scent throughout the night. James' instincts had no trouble registering _this_. He assumed that when Bella had told Charlie she was going to Phoenix that it had been a lie, because he believed we all knew he was listening in. So by the time he had arrived at the house and we had laid out our plans, knowing he could hear, he had followed the Jeep, because he thought Bella was in it. Of course it also didn't hurt to have one of Bella's jackets draped over the empty back seat next to Emmett. It would help keep her scent around- and James on our trail - a little longer.

I fiercely rejected the feeling of desensitation for as long as I could. I took deep breaths to keep her fragrance from escaping me - gladly taking the accompanying burning as a reminder of what her scent did to me - but after every whiff I could feel the sensation of her scent weakening. Eventually this would clash with our plan. James may be rather preoccupied with the rush of running after his prey at the moment, but with his uncanny gift, he would figure out soon enough that he was being tricked. I just hoped we could put that off a little while longer. At least until we crossed the border to Canada.

Alice had texted once come early morning; to let us know they had reached the border between Oregon and California without any complications. They expected to arrive in Phoenix before sunset. Bella had been sleeping most of the way. And crying.

_A lot._

Through the display of the flat text message on my phone the words read far more merciless than when Alice would have spoken them to me in person. Not to mention how unjustified the words felt. It was utterly illogical to have Bella shed one tear over me unless they were the acerbic or angry ones which I surely deserved considering what I put her through again and again. And yet, I understood her pain like no other. As purposely detached I had been when around her last night, I was feeling everything now without any emotional restraint.

For me the night had divided itself into categories of pain.

At first, when we had just left, I had been on the edge of refusal. _Denial._ It was surreal to think about how Bella and I were heading in opposite directions. There was something rather literal about the space between us.

_North versus South._

We couldn't be drifting further apart as it were. It went against the grain, because Bella's hold on me - so powerful and unbreakable - was like a magnet. It had pulled me towards her from the beginning. Even when I had felt the desire to take her life because I wanted to taste her, I had been drawn to her for so many more reasons as well. So it felt unnatural to an extreme degree to be moving away from her.

This pain was full of angst and tormented me. Never before had I felt this intense fear of separation.

The invisible strand that had bound us together, was already widely stretching up. It was surely being tested. I couldn't believe or even expect it would elongate itself across the country. It wasn't indefinitely elastic, it might break at any time; I could feel it. As the space between Bella and me grew larger, my vacant dead heart splintered. Like I had predicted before, her heartbeat was an echo in my head now. Pounding through my scalp, like a drumming symphony of abandoned hope. The absence of her warmth and her perfume pierced through me. This pain, sharper than a machete's blade was something my body and mind tried to shy away from intentionally. But _failed to._

As the hours after we left Forks progressed and the darkness unfolded and draped itself around me like a strangling blanket, it had choked my denial over the night's events, and turned it into desperation. _How_ could someone survive this whole new level of pain? No longer would the sting of a knife feel like a tiny prick. That was nothing compared to the feeling of a full-fledged blazing torch being held to burn your insides.

_How?_ It was like I lost half of me, in the process of saying goodbye to Bella. Or maybe it was because _she was_ half of me and I just could not function without her. The emptiness, like my silent heart was being hollowed out of my chest, knew no cure, no regeneration other than the immediate need to be with Bella. I imagined my lungs painfully expanding for more air, like I was suffocating and gasping for oxygen. I was being smothered with the harsh reality of our separation.

This made me feel crippled damaged. I tried to focus on my gift, on my "extra hearing" but I was unable to concentrate with the proper amount needed to get a glimpse of what James was thinking. And he wasn't making it easy to begin with. This silence, unlike the silence I heard when concentrating on Bella's hidden thoughts, was deafening. All I could think about was Bella and the more I thought about her, the more it was evident that even a temporary goodbye already felt like it was eating away at me. I dared not imagine what an everlasting goodbye would feel like.

Like her scent, the force with which I was holding on to my memories was wearing off. I thought about our final kiss and all the desperation that had been in it. There was an ironic beauty here; how for once I hadn't thought about controlling myself. I could feel the memory of it lingering on my lips. The _last_ kiss to be the _best_ kiss. The sweetest reminder with the cruellest aftertaste. I tried to replay other things in my mind - like our first kiss or last night when she had been safely asleep in my arms - though I wasn't quite at liberty to do this. I needed to focus on trying to penetrate the carefully build wall around James' mind but all I was fixated on was Bella.

And how could I not be? She was all I existed of. The only thing that made my life worthy. Made _me_ worthy. She was my life-line.

"So, this is it?" Emmett wondered at one point, when the deep black night was slowly transforming into a dark-turquoise early morning. "Are we gonna let him follow us like this for hours to come?"

"That seems to be rather effective for now", Carlisle told him.

"Can't we just stop and kill him. That seems just as effective..." Emmett muttered.

His thoughts were getting quite impatient. He didn't care about these carefully laid out plans. He usually had a comparatively one tracked mind, especially for a vampire. And right now Emmett just wanted to kill James.

_I am getting bored. We are wasting time. We're giving this James too much room. Too much room to find out he's being tricked._

Emmett was_ bored_. Staring out the window wasn't exactly my brother's forte. And of course he had a point. There was certainly a risk in the way we were trying to lure James away from Forks and in the opposite direction of where Bella was going. There was only so long we were going to keep that up without him finding out.

After a while, the powerless feeling and the separation angst had just made me angry. If I was at fault - and I was, there wasn't a moment I could let go off the self-torment I felt over how I managed to bring danger upon Bella almost all the time- than James was just as much a guilty and dangerous party. The risk he posed to Bella, was enough to lift the cloud of despair long enough to see some perspective again. And allow a new emotion to enter my mind.

James made me _angry_. _Very very angry._ At least that was a feeling I could deal with. Fury was easier than the incapacitation that came with heartache.

_Woosh woosh woosh..._

The sound of his running was ringing in my ears, echoing in my mind, like the inescapable sound of a mosquito buzzing in your ear when you're trying to sleep. He very much _bugged_ me, without any pun intended.

Most of the night James ran paralleled to the Jeep, keeping up easily but staying far enough away to not bring himself into danger. He was enjoying this; his carefully shielded thoughts made that much clear. Sprinting through the woods on the side of the road, faster and faster as the car accelerated to an insane speed, was a delight to him.

Occasionally, when I would glance out the side window I'd see something flashing through the thick forest that shaped itself against the road in front of us. I knew James was there, because I could instinctively smell him. There was no doubt he could smell us too. That was the entire point of this expedition. Why James had followed us in the first place.

So for the purpose of the plan, it was a very good thing that the cabin of the car burned with the essence of Bella's aroma. He would be able to smell this too and the longer he kept tracing us, the further away from Bella he would be. Plus, by the time he would find out it was a hoax, a decoy; we would corner him and take him out. A perfect outlet for the rage that had built itself on the fundaments of the pain James had caused.

Then, as that new day had arrived and the sun started to break through a thin veil of clouds, I had arrived at a stage where I felt delusional in my expectance. Almost _optimistic _about our chances to catch James fast.

I kept telling myself Bella was safe now and that everything was going to be just fine. Alice and Jasper would protect her and we would take care of James. And a reunion wouldn't be long away. Two, three days at best.

That would be all I could bare anyway. If we didn't catch James within 48 hours or less, I would simply go to Phoenix and get Bella.

The idea of 'abducting' Bella was very alluring. We could go somewhere remote, like Alaska - though far away from Denali, I wouldn't want Bella to cross paths with the clan, and Tanya in particular - or perhaps Europe. There were so many places Bella needed to see. Places _I _could show her. We'd have to be careful with the sun, of course but we had some freedom there. For a while I allowed myself to fantasize about sunny deserted beaches.

_Like Isle Esme._

It was a small island off the coast of Brazil, given to my mother as a present from my father. It was isolated and private and no one would disturb us there. It was sunny and warm and I need not worry about being discovered.

We could hide out there for a while until James was captured. We could go snorkelling and explore the island. There were plenty of distractions to keep us occupied. Bella would have her own room and I could watch over her. Even if the necessity of hunting would arise, I wouldn't have to go that far away.

I liked this very much, the idea of being alone with her. It would give us plenty of time to explore our relationship too. Without being interrupted by her father or my siblings, we would only have to think about each other.

_Oh, *who* was I fooling._

_Sure_, some far away island would protect Bella from James, but it wasn't like my own bloodlust had truly completely vanished. I could concentrate well enough to not let the frenzy her blood drove me to sometimes, get me. To be close to her and deliberately and happily let my throat burn every time I breathed her in. I could even convince myself that I would never hurt her because I loved her endlessly, but the reality was, day dreaming about taking Bella to some romantic deserted island, was merely that; an unrealistic day dream.

Still, it were these fantasies that prevented me from coming apart at the seams completely. From acknowledging what was really necessary to keep Bella from getting into danger again. Of course, mulling over saying goodbye overwrote that optimistic feeling I had started the day with.

Thinking about reunions or hideaways that were very likely never going to take place, wouldn't exactly help with the knowledge of having to say a lasting goodbye to her eventually.

Still, I would gladly take the pain of leaving Bella, if it granted me some sort of reunion first, no matter how much more damage that would do.

_That pain. _Ever since James and his coven had shown up in the clearing, the feeling of an imminent farewell had pushed itself to the forefront of my mind. I hadn't thought about a goodbye since Alice had seen the future vision of Bella as one of us. After that, after Bella had spoken my name in her sleep, forcing me to remain in Forks and forget about my permanent moving plans; I'd pushed this goodbye - the right and selfless thing to do - far down. Now, the inevitability of doing what was right as opposed to what I had allowed so far because I'd willingly given in to what was wrong, was back with a vengeance and a mocking echo.

_I should_ _have stayed in Alaska._ I could tell myself that I had returned to Forks because of my family, because I missed their company - and more particularly because Tanya was driving me mad with her feeble attempts at seducing me - but the truth had been that I missed Bella, even then. I wasn't shy to admit that to myself now, despite having denied it when in Denali. Those chocolate eyes that kept haunting me in my mind. The mystery of not being able to hear her thoughts. The call of her blood. Right or wrong, there had never been a question of whether or not I was going to stay away.

None of that mattered anymore, though. I couldn't reverse my actions to undo what had been unleashed on Bella last night.

All I had to do now was to make sure Bella would be safe and this would _never_ happen again. I would never inflict any kind of danger on her again. I may not be able to change the past, but I could certainly influence and protect the future this way.

I would have to be strong. _I needed to be_. If Bella could be brave, never questioning her faith in me, never running away from the vile consequences that came with my nature, than I could certainly repay that faith by securing her future.

"We're close to Everett. I think it is best to drive straight through to Bellingham, then cross the border and head for Vancouver." my father suggested

"Why didn't we just catch a ferry to Victoria from Port Angeles? All this driving is unnerving." Emmett wondered, We have been driving for over twelve hours and he's still out there. .."

My brother's sense of boredom had taken on a new form. He was bouncing all over the back seat, so very eager to fight and kill James. And twelve hours of sitting still was far too much for him.

I pulled out my phone and started texting. Instead of sending it, I showed it to Emmett. It was the safest way to communicate, since James could overhear if we spoke aloud.

**James needs to believe we're going to Vancouver. As long as he keeps following us, we will find the opportunity to corner him. Be patient a little while longer.**

_Then_, like his mind uncovered itself to me for a moment - perhaps deliberate or not on purpose - I could see a plan forming in James' mind.

It was rather odd, how his thoughts were shielded from me when it came to his tracking abilities and his plans for Bella if he would find her - this was a moot point, I'd never allow for him to come near her - but when he thought about practicalities like ways of travelling, I could read him rather clear.

James realized he couldn't run much further, because there were no more woods to remain inconspicuous in. If we stayed on the road, like he still assumed than he needed a new way to transport himself.

"I think we need to stop at the nearest gas-station", I spoke tensely.

Suddenly, there was a risk James would escape us or realize that he was being tricked.

"Why?" Carlisle wondered.

"Bella may want something to eat when she wakes up", I lied. The illusion of pretending that Bella was asleep in the backseat did strange things to my dormant heart. If only she was really here and all I'd have to do was reach out and take her hand. To watch her sleep. How wonderful that would be. Of course it was a good thing she wasn't really here, for more reasons than the obvious one; the danger she'd be in with James so close by. It would most likely also be very bad to have her around my father, brother and myself when we'd try to deal with James in our own "special" vampire way. Things wouldn't be so wonderful anymore once Bella saw the animal in me.

My father gave me an immediate nod as if he were able to read my mind like I read his. He understood the purpose of the lie. But Emmett didn't seem to catch on right away. He stared at me with a curious expression. This lasted about two seconds before he started grinning. He liked fooling James that was for sure.

"The next rest-stop is two miles away. Bella would like a turkey-sub right?" he mused innocently.

_James is looking for a different way of transportation_, my father guessed.

I nodded and took out my cell-phone again. I pressed a few buttons and showed it to Carlisle:

**He is stealing a car, because he can't run much longer and stay unnoticed. I know it is a risk to stop now, but we need to make sure he will still follow us, after he has found new transportation.**

_Won't James be suspicious? _he wondered

James was close by - also making the exit to the rest-stop, which was still surrounded by a small forest though the trees were already starting to thin out, forcing him to find a car fast - but he was more focused on his plans to hot wire a car than he was on our plan to take a quick break. Of course this was a charade on his part, he was just keeping the analytical part of his mind - the part which was probably deciding whether or not to attack us now - under wraps.

I used my phone again to answer:

**I don't know. But the longer he follows us, the better. He needs to be as far away from Bella as possible.**

The rest-stop was quite abandoned. There was a little gas station with a shop attached. Emmett got out of the Jeep - carefully shutting the door, making sure Bella's elusive scent wouldn't escape out of the cabin too much - and ran towards the shop. It took him less than two minutes to be in and out, leaving the shop-owner stunned when he gave her a hundred dollar bill and told her to keep the change for the two dollar turkey sandwich. He surely tried to make her day.

Unfortunately, James seemed to be well under way to ruin that same prosperous day when he stole the vehicle that was parked behind the shop, presumably the shop-owner's car.

_It could be worse_, I thought, _at least he didn't kill her._

Within five minutes we were on our way again, with James following us in the stolen twenty year old Lexus he had obtained.

He remained behind us, always leaving two cars in between. He never sped up, he never tried to get closer, and he kept his distance.

_This_ was his game. It seemed like we were in charge, but we truly weren't. He decided the pace, he made us wait for him, he basically called the shots.

I couldn't access his mind. And we could only force him to chase after us for so long. Especially since Bella's scent was almost completely gone. The jacket lay unmoved next to Emmett and although it still gave off her scent in small doses when the air stirred, it was no longer potent enough to catch from a distance.

The silence made me lose track of time. Occasionally my father would silently demand my attention and I would answer with a nod or through the texting on my phone. But mostly there was nothing but the quiet, nearly Bella- free air.

She was almost in Phoenix by now. I calculated they had probably crossed the border between California and Arizona a while ago. So Bella would be able to soak up the dryer warmer air, more accommodating to her needs than the wet and cold atmosphere that surged through Washington.

_Another_ reason to let her go. She disliked Forks; there was no question about it. The rain, the cold; Bella hated it. And I _was _cold, even if I would walk through a blazing fire, I would still feel luke-warm, at best. And her beautiful cream skin deserved to be warmed, not iced by someone who would never feel warmer to her than holding a melting ice-pack.

The only time I'd be of use would be when Bella was too warm. And she'd never be _too_ warm in Forks.

The thread, the delicate strand which had captivated us both and tied us to one another without boundaries - except for the ones I had laid out, because I would otherwise kill her - was about to lacerate. I could hear the echo of it tearing inside my head. And once it would rip - soon- than that would be it.

_Then she'd be gone_.

There was more than just plain unease at this idea. I was also afraid. An underlying current that I couldn't decipher pounded at the edges of my mind. I knew that once our forged bond would break, it wouldn't be because of our goodbye, or because we'd be too far apart.

The widest of space, the strand could take, it did stretch that far. There was only one way to break it.

_Death._

Was _this_ the horrifying truth that my inattentive brain was trying to warn me about prematurely? That we would fail, that Bella would _die._

My phone buzzed as I contemplated the unbearable thought of losing Bella. Maybe fate did have a hand in things because it was Alice.

**We checked into a hotel near Sky Harbour Airport. Bella is still sleeping a lot. The crying has stopped though.**

So_ she was_ safe. And she had run out of tears. That was good, I surely didn't deserve them. Not unless they were very bitter.

I listened and found that James was still pursuing us two cars behind, so that was good. Bella was far away in the south and we were going north. The space became wider, not smaller.

On a personal level, this was agonizing, of course. So long I had managed to be alone and now, one day without Bella was longer than any eternity I had spend before meeting her. I barely remembered how I made it through the purgatory of boredom before Bella. Though I longed to be bored now, like my brother was.

At least that was less troubling than this emotional rollercoaster.

_Edward, how much further should we go? Vancouver may be stretching it_? My father pointed out quietly.

His voice was faint, coming from so far away. Or maybe that was because I was entirely caught up in my own world. A world where I was torn between finally starting to do the right thing and the fantasies which allowed me to feel a little closer to Bella.

"Edward..." Carlisle shook my shoulder.

"What..?" I mumbled

"We're passing Bellingham soon. Not much farther until we reach the border to Canada", he informed me.

"James is still following...". It sounded more like a question that a stated fact. I could barely hear him behind us. I knew he was there, but his thoughts remained almost as silent as Bella's. He enjoyed his vehicle, because it was faster than he had expected. But the rest; just static with a rare audible thought. It was ear splitting to not be able to read his mind the way it would help, instead of how it was barely doing us any good.

_Our plan_, the plan to ambush James and kill him, I simply didn't care about anymore. It had been twenty-four hours without Bella and my emotions had been all over the place. Desperation, anger, almost cautiously optimistic, back to painfully abandoned. But the real - murderous - aggression I had felt when facing James in the clearing, when knowing he was too close to Bella, that feeling was gone.

Suddenly, I felt a knock against my head.

Emmett was grinning in spite of the fact he was edged on his seat; so ready and very willing to take James out.

_Dude, stop moping. Your girl is safe. And we'll hack up James, that is; if we ever get out of this stinking car. It's win-win!_

My brother wasn't exactly the king of calculating odds. Being apart from Bella was certainly not a winning situation. Every moment that passed, every moment I was away from her was crumbling me.

The _worst_ thing was that I couldn't check in. All because James had to believe Bella was in the car. Alice hadn't texted me anymore after that last one to let me know they were in the hotel.

And calling her was out of the question. James was still close enough to catch every single word; nothing like the hearing of a vampire, especially a tracking vampire. He had the advantage. He could hear us and yet it was almost impossible for me to hear him.

Sure, the outlines were clear. He was ready for a fight and strangely enough he still believed Bella was in the Jeep. At least for now.

_Edward_, my father alerted me, _we're close to Burlington. I am going to switch to the SR 20 and head for the Cascades. I don't think we have time to lead James on for much longer. We certainly won't make it to Vancouver._

I simply nodded.

In the back, Emmett was starting to fidget again. Something he had continued to do the entire day. Impatience was truly taking him over.

_I wanna call Rose._

"You can't", I warned him as I turned around. I knew James would be listening.

Emmett glared at me and then turned his attention outside again.

The truth was; it wasn't just that James could overhear if Emmett contacted Rosalie, so calling would be out of the question, I also envied the fact that he could. That he still had his love to go home too. I wished to have that certainty.

_Then_ my phone buzzed.

I had hoped it was Alice, that maybe she had seen something new, something less terrifying than the unbeknownst edge of this feeling that I couldn't shake. The feeling that I would fail at making Bella safe.

But it wasn't Alice; it was a text message from Esme. She and Rosalie were back in Forks and Esme was protecting Charlie. The woman, Victoria only followed them for a little while throughout the night and than ran off. Rosalie had been forced to follow the red haired woman and my sister had been very reluctant to do so. Apparently she had found out that Victoria had been around town to find a trace of Bella. She'd gone to the airport, the Swan house and Forks High School as well. Luckily Charlie hadn't been at home, but Esme had decided to hover around the house to make sure Bella's father was safe regardless. I had to hand it to Victoria, she was more resourceful than I had imagined. Still, she would find nothing of use.

I showed the text to both Carlisle and Emmett. They seemed happy that things seemed to be alright in Forks, for now anyway. Plus, they had the guarantee that their spouses were in perfect shape. I could only guess how Bella would be doing right this moment. If it was anything like I was feeling than she wouldn't be on top of the world, for sure.

We passed Burlington and exited onto the 20. James exited too, though he seemed surprised. His momentary astonishment unshielded his hidden mind for a second.

_They are heading for the mountains? With the girl? That can't be right..._

The rockier uphill steeper roads were easy for the Jeep, even at night. But James' attained Lexus was struggling. It wasn't before long that James was starting to think about leaving the car behind to continue on foot. His stolen Lexus wasn't so accommodating anymore.

_I should get out of the car, start running again. _

Of course _this _was our cue. Time to start hunting...

I communicated via my phone again and showed it to Emmett and Carlisle.

**It's time to leave the Jeep. He is already too suspicious as to why we are no longer heading to Vancouver. And Bella's scent is gone. We need to start the hunt. _Now_.**

Emmett was eager right away.

_Hell yes! 'Bout time I get to flex some muscle. _

_This_ was the risky part_. Leaving the truck_. James would surely know that Bella would not be with us. But perhaps his anger over being fooled was enough to hunt _us_ first. Nevertheless, our window of opportunity was very small.

Carlisle parked the Jeep on the isolated end of a mountain road. The dark silent shapes of the mountains surrounding the unlit path looked oddly threatening, like they were closing in to trap us.

Maybe they deliberately gave off an image of doom or perhaps it was that haunting feeling I had yet to shake that made them look so grotesquely dangerous. Either way they certainly managed to emphasize the misshapen forms that were towering above and around us.

"Now what?" Emmett mused.

"We hope to get lucky..." I whispered

But we were all out of good fortune.

It could have been seconds feeling like hours, but like the plug being pulled out of a bath-tub, draining the water, I felt my minimal grasp on James' thoughts disappear.

We had been fools, _of course_. The moment we left the interstate to head into the Cascades, James had _known_. He was just waiting for the proof he needed to determine that Bella wasn't in the Jeep, and had never been. It wasn't so hard to deduce that anyway, since her scent was entirely gone now. And then, he had tricked us - well _me_ - with his thoughts. He was _never_ going to follow us into the mountains.

Maybe it was that realization that made me feel beaten. Maybe it was just that my last reminder of her was gone now. Either way, once I understood that we hadn't tricked James, rather than that he managed to elude us with our own game, I knew we were in trouble.

Now, we had to follow _him_. And he already had a head-start. And a wrapped away mind I could not access for clues.

"He is gone", I stated, simple and clear. There was nothing to add.

"Say _what_ now...?", Emmett spoke incredulously

"James isn't going to follow us down here. He has figured it out. He knows Bella isn't with us," Carlisle understood.

"So what do we do now...?" Emmett muttered aloud.

My brother was very displeased. He'd hoped to finally get the chance to hunt and hurt James.

_*This* is what I spend 24 hours in a car for. That's just fan-frickin-tastic....we should have just ripped him apart at that clearing. _

"I suppose we should try and see if we can follow him, to find out what he is going to do now..", my father suggested calmly as he started the engine and drove back down the mountain path to head for the main road again.

"Edward, see if you can retrace his thoughts." he said

_Right,_ like that had been such a piece of cake before. Besides, if James was running again than he'd be plenty of miles away by now.

"I should go afoot", I suggested, "I'll have a better chance at picking up his scent..."

"I'll go with. I can't sit on my butt a minute longer. It is driving me crazy..." Emmett said as he hopped out of the car.

"I'll drive towards the border to see if he crosses it," Carlisle said. And then he was gone.

"Let's do _this_..." Emmett grinned and he started running.

I stood there for a second, thinking how stupid I had been. What was I going to tell Bella if we didn't catch James? More importantly, _what_ was he going to do now? One thing was for sure, he was certainly going to be a lot more careful. We would not be able to fool him twice. And therefore the chances of catching him now had decreased tremendously. If not vanished entirely.

I knew we wouldn't catch him now. The only thing to do was figuring out what his plan was and it was apparent he was never going to give me one glimpse of that. And guessing games wouldn't do much good either. There was hardly any point in chasing him now.

I started running anyway, for the sake of having something to do. It didn't take me long to catch up with Emmett. He may be bulky and strong but what I lacked in that department - though did any of us really lack strength? Once you were a vampire it sort of meant you were pretty strong indefinite - I made up in speed. I was fast and I didn't try to slow it down so my brother could keep up with me. Naturally, he was displeased that I was outrunning him - he hated to lose - but he also understood that it had a purpose other than playing a game or showing a display of manlihood.

Although the purpose of my incredible speed didn't serve much use. I picked up a hint of James which led west, back to the main highway, but it wasn't easy to follow. The roads were busy now, because of the morning traffic which was starting to build itself.

Then my phone buzzed. _Carlisle__._

I didn't need to stop running to answer it.

"Anything..?"

"You won't find him out there. He's still using the car. Heading for the border. I am at the turn we took when changing from the 5 to the 20, there's a small traffic jam here and James is a few cars in front of me. How long until you can be here?"

"Soon..."

Emmett and I ran 10 miles straight in about 8 minutes. When we finally reached the Jeep the jam had dissolved itself and James was much farther down the road than we were; at least a couple of miles by the sounds of what I could pick up on. James knew all he needed to; the one he hunted was not here and he was angry about that, that much I could read. But a new plan, whether he had one or not, was nowhere on his mind. Or rather, I couldn't access that part of his mind; it was carefully barricaded. There was nothing more to do but to head to the border and hope we would catch him. It was peculiar though. How he went to Vancouver. Did he assume Bella would be there? What was he thinking? Well, I supposed that was a large part of the problem; not being able to indentify his thoughts, or even locate them and _him _for that matter.

Emmett was unhappy about being in the car again. Though he was glad not to be speaking through text messages and codes anymore.

"Where is he going..?." he wondered

"He is trying to put us off his scent, off the track..." my father said wryly

"Yes. So how do we fix that?" Emmett mused irritably.

_I am not going to sit in this stinking Jeep for another 24 hours._

_How were_ we going to fix this indeed? Was there any way left? I didn't believe there was. James was still in the area but I couldn't even get a hint of a general thought from him. He was angry and his smell lingered somewhere but that was all we were going to get. We missed our chance to catch him from the moment we let him walk out of that clearing. We'd given him far too much room.

We crossed the border to Canada when the sun was shining brightly. _Another _new day, but I didn't feel quite as optimistic as I had the day before. I was no longer day dreaming about sweet reunions. We were being led on a wild goose chase, instead of catching him to finish him off and thus as much as I dreamed of reunions, I wasn't going to get one soon. _If ever._

We drove as far as Delta, a little south of Richmond. But there was no sight or sound of James. We lost. _I lost._ Defeated by a monster who was now heading to - who knew where.

"What do we do now?" Emmett pressed, "I think it is safe to say we lost him.."

_Duh_. My brother, so very astute.

"There is a possibility he is heading back to Forks, to meet up with the woman. Perhaps he is catching a plane in Vancouver. That would surely give him some advantage," Carlisle mused

Possibilities aplenty. But none of them were clear and certain. We had to guess and hope we were right...

"We can't just routinely guess and hope we'll catch him somewhere..." I muttered, "This so-called plan had proved to be ineffective. We failed. We miscalculated everything. I cannot access his mind, so we might as well give up..."

My father flashed me a smile.

_Someone needs a little 'pick me up_..', he mused silently

"I think it's time we consult a psychic", he said as he pulled out his phone to hit speed-dial.

Alice answered immediately

"Alice," my father spoke, "we lost him, James. Is Bella alright?" he asked while glancing at me.

Apparently her answer satisfied him, because he nodded. "Good..."

"We managed to track him as far as outside of Vancouver..." my father told her

Carlisle was silent now, though his mind transpired what she told him.

_A new vision. _

James was in a long room with a wooden floor, full of mirrors, with a gold stripe across them. He was waiting there...

But then what she told Carlisle shifted, because my father's mind displayed another room. Where James would be, before he'd go into the mirror room. This was a dark room and he was running a VCR. It was impossible to make out where he was.

That was all the vision offered. There was no way to tell where James was and or _when_ he'd be there. All Alice knew was that he did get on a plane and that he would be in that mirror room rather soon. All we could hope for was that she'd have a more clarifying image before he'd be there. Like one where we could actually tell, where he was headed.

As I pondered what Alice's vision meant, Carlisle handed his phone to me.

_Your 'pick me up'..._

"Hello?" a familiar voice breathed.

It was the most beautiful greeting ever heard by men. It was like I was pulled from a deep black pool of despair. My reminder of what I was fighting for. Who I was fighting for. I felt instantly energized and alert again.

"Bella," I said.

Speaking her name was like velvet. Like the first time I had used it, in that class room when I had finally introduced myself to her. Saying it aloud now; after more than 36 hours without her, made me feel closer to Bella again. Hearing her voice made me wish I was with her. My shattered heart was practically broken and although her voice made the cracks heal up a bit, these delicate cracks were also quite fragile. They could burst and splinter me entirely at any time. I felt fragile. Like I could break apart at the sound of her voice.

"Oh, Edward! I was so worried." Bella cried

Of course she was worried about me. Not about herself - as fragile and breakable as she was - but about me. And yes, I was fragile too at the moment - though not in the literal sense - but I certainly didn't deserve her worry. But this was Bella.

_Selfless._

"Bella," I sighed in frustration, "I told you not to worry about anything but yourself."

The strand between us, the one that seemed like it would break did feel elastic now. Strong and indestructible. Hearing her voice gave me more hope than any new day could ever bring. Of course without Bella, the arrival of a new morning would cease to have any meaning.

"Where are you?" Bella wondered

"We're outside of Vancouver. Bella, I'm sorry — we lost him. He seems suspicious of us — he's careful to stay just far enough away that I can't hear what he's thinking. But he's gone now — it looks like he got on a plane. We think he's heading back to Forks to start over."

I wasn't happy with the idea of going back to Forks - as opposed to go to Phoenix and pick up Bella. It felt like we were starting from scratch. This would not help with the 48 hours deadline that I had set for myself. Of course, the 48 hours were almost up anyway and I couldn't go and reunite with Bella just yet.

"I know. Alice saw that he got away." she told me

"You don't have to worry, though. He won't find anything to lead him to you. You just have to stay there and wait till we find him again."

_Stay there and wait for me. So I'll know where to find you. So I can follow your heartbeat and make it stammer, make you dazzle. Let you dazzle me. Wait for me, please._

"I'll be fine. Is Esme with Charlie?" Bella asked

"Yes — the female has been in town. She went to the house, but while Charlie was at work. She hasn't gone near him, so don't be afraid. He's safe with Esme and Rosalie watching."

"What is she doing?"

She was probably collecting information for James to use. Which would explain why he had stopped following us. Maybe Victoria believed Bella was still in Forks and had contacted him about it.

"Probably trying to pick up the trail. She's been all through the town during the night. Rosalie traced her through the airport, all the roads around town, the school… she's digging, Bella, but there's nothing to find."

"And you're sure Charlie's safe?"

"Yes, Esme won't let him out of her sight. And we'll be there soon. If the tracker gets anywhere near Forks, we'll have him."

_Promises, promises_. Hadn't I said we'd catch James fast, just a few days ago? That'd surely turned out to be untrue.

"I miss you," Bella whispered.

My dead heart echoed a beat at her words. Like there was life being pumped into my cold stone body? Bella missed me. I missed her. Surely between the both of us admitting that, there would have to be someone in the universe who could make sure we'd get a reunion soon.

"I know, Bella. Believe me, I know. It's like you've taken half my self away with you."

"Come and get it, then," she challenged.

_Gladly._ If only I was at liberty to just forget about the quest for James and meet her in Phoenix. What a glorious prospect that would be. But alas. I couldn't claim parts of Bella - like her heart - as my own and vice versa until James had been dealt with.

"Soon, as soon as I possibly can. I will make you safe first." I vowed

Hearing her voice had given me new incentive, a new determination to catch James. He escaped us once, but that was all the luck he was going to get. I silently thanked my father for his intervening with my depressed state.

"I love you," She spoke softly

I didn't deserve her love, but I drowned in her words anyway.

"Could you believe that, despite everything I've put you through, I love you, too?" I mused wryly

_How could she?_ If I didn't know and feel the love for her in every inch in my body, I would have doubted _myself _too. My behavioural stints where I was putting her in mortal danger didn't quite scream 'love.'

"Yes, I can, actually." she assured me matter-of-factly.

Of course she could. Was there anything she didn't accept or believe, when it came to who I was?

"I'll come for you soon," I declared, hoping it would be a promise I would be able to keep soon, because I really wanted to.

"I'll be waiting." she promised.

As soon as the phone went dead, I was pulled under again. I wanted nothing more but to go straight to Phoenix. I didn't look forward to the prospect of going back to Forks and start over.

We drove in silence for hours, a stillness Emmett dreaded, but I welcomed.

We crossed the border back to Washington. Then we drove straight to Seattle.

A fresh text message from Alice surprised us as much as the information it contained made me apprehensive.

**It's a ballet-studio, one of the rooms he is in. Bella identified it. Also, she used to take ballet lessons as a child. There is a studio near her mother's house that resembles the one in my vision. But Bella said most of these studios are alike. Still, I have no idea why he would be there. And we still don't know where the other room is, or what he is doing there. Bella called her mother to make sure she won't go to her house, before contacting Bella. Just in case. **

_Just in case._ In case James decided to go to Phoenix and...

I was by no means a psychic, but this news was enough to produce a new wave of anxiety. There was a small chance it was an entirely different ballet-studio. But were there any coincidences anymore? Could we rely on them? I couldn't believe that.

"So, there's a chance James headed to Phoenix. I think we need to go there, _now._.." I urged.

It wasn't so much the idea of James in Phoenix, as it was the wonderful image of seeing Bella again sooner than expected that made me want to follow that course of action.

"Edward, like Alice wrote; it could be any ballet-studio. We can't be sure that it is the one near Bella's mother's house," my father pointed out.

"What are the odds?" I questioned angrily..."James has no reason to be at any other studio than that one..."

"We don't know that. He could be tricking us again. Besides, Bella is still safe at the hotel, so for now, I think it's best we keep on heading back to Forks. For all we know he went back to check in with the woman..."

"But, I can't just....we can't let him...." The words got stuck my throat at the idea that James might be in Phoenix.

"Edward..." my father placed his hand on my arm, "Bella is safe. If anything changes, we'll catch the first plane heading to Phoenix. "

"It would be helpful if we could make more sense of Alice's vision, if we could identify the other room he appears to be in. The two seem to be connected." Carlisle continued.

"It would have been _more _helpful if we had killed him right away", Emmett mumbled. _Just sayin'_

"There is no use in beating ourselves up over what went wrong..." Carlisle stated

"No, you're right. We should have beaten _him_ up, instead..." Emmett retorted

My brother remained irritated as he glanced out the window. He missed Rosalie and he had a hard time toning down the adrenaline he now had no use or release for.

I wasn't so much irritated as I was cautious. Something - a nagging feeling I had refused to fully identify before; the edge to my thoughts, my emotions which were incredibly tense now - was going to go wrong. I wanted to press on my conviction that James was going to Phoenix, that I was sure of that fact. But I had no proof. And my father was a rational, reasonable thinker who wouldn't act on impulses alone. He had a point, of course. We couldn't afford more mistakes.

And yet, like a haunting vision playing in my mind, I kept thinking about how we were going to be unsuccessful in our attempt to catch James and make Bella safe. That I was going to fail at protecting her. I was absolutely sure that there was some piece of vital information that hadn't presented itself yet, some piece of this disturbing puzzle was still missing and once we'd find it and get the full picture - or rather vision - that we would be too late to stop it.

When that would happen, it would be over. The strand would rip, my heart would bleed and Bella would be gone.

_Dead._

At that exact moment, my phone buzzed and as soon as I saw my sister's name on the display I felt the suppressed dread pushing its way forward with a demanding force.

I didn't want to pick up, because I knew I wasn't going to like what she would tell me. But I had little choice.

She spoke instantly as I answered

"I saw him, Edward. The same vision. But this time it was light. The other room, it's the living room in Bella's mother's house. He didn't catch a plane to Forks..." she said.

"But to Phoenix..." I mumbled numbingly, confirming my biggest fears.

We hadn't fooled him, _he_ had tricked us. He had never intended on going back to Forks. The moment he had realized Bella wasn't in the Jeep, he immediately understood that she had in fact gone to Phoenix, like she'd declared aloud. What he had overheard at Bella's house in Forks, was in fact _the truth._

"I am pretty sure he's either already here or arriving _soon. _He's going to be in that ballet-studio. The one here in Phoenix. Near Bella's old house," Alice said with conviction.

I didn't need to think about what course of action we would take now.

"We're coming for Bella. As soon as we have her, you and Jasper need to go to her mother's house to make sure she's safe, should she come back.", I ordered.

"When will you arrive?" Alice asked

"We're close to Seattle, so hopefully early morning. I'll let you know the details. Alice, at any sign of danger, anything that's out of place, I want you to take her away. Don't wait for us then," I said and then I hung up.

The threat of James being close to Bella was as powerful as the idea that we'd have our reunion soon, only a few hours until that moment. The circumstances were very rotten, but seeing Bella again felt like an amazing day dream I wanted to get lost in.

But there was _no_ time.

"James is going to Phoenix or he's already there. The other room is the living room in Bella's old house. He is going to be there. Probably some time _today_."

"We'll drive to Sea-Tac Airport right away. You better call and make arrangements..." Carlisle told me.

The arrangements were easily made. Within thirty minutes we'd manage to book three tickets for a flight that would arrive in Phoenix at nine forty-five in the morning.

Just a few more hours to get through before seeing Bella again.

Waiting at the airport was tough - it felt like seconds passed by as hours before we could check in. I had called Alice with our flight details. Nothing about her vision had changed. Jasper was already checking out and they'd head for the airport soon - it was nothing compared to sitting in my seat on the plane. It was a little after seven in the morning and although the forecast of seeing Bella again in less than 3 hours was beautiful, I hadn't managed to shake off the feeling of failure and doom just yet. I hoped to be able to collect my thoughts and see a fresh perspective once Bella would be securely in my arms again.

I could almost feel how the unbreakable thread was pulled tight, like we were drawn closer together from both sides. Despite the failed effort to catch and eliminate James, it felt unbelievably good to see her again and to take her away to somewhere.

_But still..._

Something _still_ felt wrong. The conviction I had before - the one where we were missing some detail and figuring it out would take too long - still lingered in my mind. I was missing something about the bigger picture and the closer we got to Phoenix, the more profound that belief grew.

I tried to play it off as the realization that my body and mind reacted to the knowledge a reunion was in the air. With only one small hour between us, my entire being was longing for Bella. I was just oddly nervous and seeing complications where there were none.

Carlisle, Emmett and I would take Bella away from Phoenix and the others would make sure her parents were safe. Then, as soon as we were settled we could think of a new plan. A plan to annihilate James and Victoria.

I spend the last hour before landing on Isle Esme. Though we hadn't decided just yet where we'd take Bella that seemed a great place to go. Warm for her, remote enough for me. Suddenly that day-dream didn't seem so far-fetched anymore.

When the plane touched ground, my nerves were wired so tight, it felt like I was going to explode. The other passengers on the plane attacked me with their thoughts and through the clouds of their individual anticipations, I could feel something shift. The moment we walked off the plane and headed for Arrivals, I felt a screaming stabbing pain bursting through my insides.

Something had changed. _And it wasn't good_. I couldn't see Bella fast enough to make sure she was alright. To confirm that my bad feeling was entirely misplaced.

It felt like ages until we finally reached the arrivals hall. The moment the sliding doors went open and I expected Bella to jump into my arms without any cautious thought or hesitation. Instead, all I saw was my sister; horror and sorrow displayed on her face.

One second was all it took to see why my sister had such a pained expression.

I could hear the snap. The strand that had binding Bella and me together, viciously snapped against my skin like an elastic band and I silently screamed at what I saw in Alice's mind; the gruesome vision was complete now and we were going to be too late to stop it.

The ballet-studio was filled with two people now. James and the prey he had so patiently been waiting for. I could smell the enticingly sweet scent of pure red blood, dripping over the polished wooden floors. His haunting enjoyment over the malice he caused. The ashy-white face of the only love I'd ever know. Deadly-still.

It took me another second to notice the white envelop in my sister's hand.

Some romantic arrival this had turned out to be.

The only reunion I'd get was on a piece of paper.

* * *

**This chapter is more 'freestyle' since we don't know much about what happens to Edward. But that makes it exciting. I did take all the details we do know from chapter 20 (Impatience) and chapter 21 (Phone Call) and wrote this longer chapter. "THE SPACE BETWEEN" (Yes, inspired by that Dave Matthews Band song. ;)**

**After this the chapter will continue with the lead up to and the ballet-studio fight.**

**Thanks for all the wonderful reviews I continue to receive. They are very encouraging so please keep them coming! I wish every one all the best for 2009!**


	16. The Monster

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and Midnight Sun, its dialogues, the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2008 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**CHAPTER 13: THE MONSTER**

_"Edward,"_

_I love you. I am so sorry. He has my mom, and I have to try. I know it may not work. I am so very, very sorry. Don't be angry with Alice and Jasper. If I get away from them it will be a miracle. Tell them thank you for me. Alice especially, please._

_And please, please, don't come after him. That's what he wants. I think. I can't bear it if anyone has to be hurt because of me, especially you. Please, this is the only thing I can ask you now. For me._

_I love you. Forgive me._

_Bella_

The letter weighed heavy like stone in my hands. I wanted nothing more but to tear the fragile paper into angry snippets.

I didn't ask for this unwanted fate; decided and sealed for me without any kind of consult. But that was probably the point. No interference from me. Bella wrote the letter because she knew I would have never let her go alone to meet with James. Her own words gave proof of that.

_I know it may not work._

Bella wasn't a fool. She had to be aware of the horror she was facing now. She knew she couldn't fight James off. So she was willingly preparing to die.

I didn't want her words to be true. I wanted them to go away as they reminded me of a truth I refused to accept. I wished for the power to will this ugly truth into a lie.

But no matter how much I needed to ventilate the pain I felt at her words, I'd be a fool to shred the letter. Because it was all I had.

Her _last _words. The _only_ goodbye we would get.

In the second where I had seen the horror in Alice's mind, every meaning in this supposed life I foolishly believed to have had these past few months ceased to exist for me. Nothing mattered anymore now that Bella was about to meet her final fate, as she went up against James.

There were so many emotions coursing through me.

For one I was _angry_. Angry at my sister and brother, for letting Bella escape.

Bella had been oddly resourceful, it seemed. She knew Sky Harbor International Airport well enough to remember the rest room in terminal one had two entries and so she'd managed to escape Jasper while he was waiting outside the rest room, leaving through the other entry door. What bothered me more was the idea that Alice must have seen the horrendous vision of Bella and James in the ballet studio and so she should've paid better attention to Bella. After all, she could have gone with Bella into the rest room but for some unexplainable reason she hadn't done this.

"Edward, I am sorry". Alice whispered as if she were able to read my mind, "I didn't know how Bella would end up in the ballet studio. It hadn't even crossed my mind, that she - "

I had to halt her before I would explode. I didn't want to hear it.

"You should've never let her out of your sight. If we're not on time…then," I muttered angrily, not able to finish my sentence.

_I know._

I didn't want to face Alice as I read the remorse in her head; I didn't need to see it in her eyes as well. That would make it far too real.

I was also angry at Bella, for being so darn stubborn and backwards about her own safety. What was she thinking: facing a monster such as James? I mean, not being afraid of me wasn't exactly beneficial to her, but to willingly face someone much worse, someone who was ready and waiting for her to arrive so he could kill her without reluctance, that was just plain stupid, even for someone like Bella who gladly risked her life on a daily basis.

I knew why she'd gone off to the ballet studio on her own though. She wanted to protect her mother. I even suspected her to try and protect my family and me from James. In her unreadable and ever so unpredictable mind, she probably didn't want anyone to get hurt. Anyone besides herself.

_I can't bear it if anyone has to be hurt because of me, especially you._

But she should have known that to me, she was all that mattered. Her wellbeing, her life - now forfeit- was all I'd think about, ever. And as always, Bella made it very difficult for me to protect her.

_I love you. Forgive me._

I loved her, so she was easily forgiven. Rationally, I understood what she was doing. But that didn't mean I agreed with her actions, my emotions certainly didn't.

Of course it was ridiculous to be angry at either Bella or my siblings. In the end, when it came down to fault, I was the only one to blame. I should've stayed away from Bella. If only I had. Then she would have been just fine now.

Instead, I was stuck with haunting visions playing in my head like a slide-show from hell.

The worn ballet-studio, the only thing shining was the polished wooden floor. The mirrors had black spots soaked and dried up into the glass. The same glass that had red dripping spots in some places. Fresh marks of a wounded soul. A soul that couldn't survive this trauma. This tragedy underlined by the burning Arizona sun which was breaking through the dusty windows, shining a haunting light on the horror that was displaying itself in my sister's head.

If there had ever been a time to wish for my so called 'gift' to stop working, it would be now. I wanted so desperately to stop watching the chilling images in Alice's mind but I couldn't. I wasn't even granted a break from that.

Like a blind man, I found my way, dashing through the arrivals hall. I had a hard time not slamming into the people who didn't get out of my way fast enough. I followed Bella's powerful scent, still burning as always but no longer simmering into a fierce longing. Instead it tasted like the acerbic reminder of what Bella had gone to face.

Alice, Jasper, Carlisle and Emmett followed me as I came to a halt outside the terminal. Bella's scent was still lingering here, though it was fading fast with all the airport smog and human scents taking over the air around me.

I turned to face Alice, begging her for any kind of clue.

She was already there. Her eyes - unfocused - staring in the distance tried to assess how long ago Bella had been here and where exactly she'd be now. Hoping to give me any kind of good news. Anything to wake me up from this nightmare.

But there was nothing new. Just the same images as before. The ballet studio with Bella's flood on the floor and mirrors, the smell of it so powerful, I could taste it through the vision.

"I don't see anything new. I think it is best if we just drive to her mother's house and go from there", Alice suggested

"We need a car..." Carlisle pointed out.

"On it. Jazz, lets go," Emmett urged and my two brothers disappeared to the underground parking lot. It wasn't hard to figure out what they were going to do. They were stealing a car.

"Edward, we'll do everything we can. ", Carlisle assured me.

What he said was obvious. Of course we would do whatever lay in our power. That wasn't the problem. The problem was it would never be enough. We would never be on time.

Emmett and Jasper came back with a Porsche Cayenne Turbo Station wagon. Probably a pick from Emmett. I didn't care, as long as it was fast. And it seemed to be, from the way Emmett revved the engine as we got in.

"Fifty-eighth Street and Cactus," I heard Alice tell my father. I supposed that's where the ballet studio was located.

"Alright, this is what we do. Edward, as soon as we get there, you'll go to the studio. We'll check out Bella's mother's house just to be sure..." Carlisle's voice seemed very far away. Like my head was held under water. My hearing was blocked.

"Edward..?" his voice was clearer now.

"What?"

"We'll stop at Bella's mother's house. You have to go straight to the ballet-studio, alright?"

I nodded and continued to stare outside the window. The car was dark because of the tainted glass. Through the dark filter Phoenix seemed very gloomy, in spite of the bright sun. Under any other circumstances I would have been eager to take it all in, to get to know the place Bella grew up. It was always far too sunny for us to be here without fear of exposure, so this was our first visit. We passed some large buildings; a library, a hospital, a large shopping mall. With each and every one of the constructions I pretended Bella had been there before; I decided to paint the oblivious picture in my head of a happy Bella taking sneak peeks into books in the dark quiet library; Bella, shopping with her mother at the mall. Even the image of Bella at the hospital we passed was almost a comical one since it was better to muse on what clumsy movement had gotten her into trouble this time, than to think about how she wouldn't even need medical care this time because it would be far too late.

This make-belief game didn't have a lasting positive effect. All it did was rip me apart further. And time was no longer moving, despite the fact the car was accelerating to a rapid 160 miles per hour. Any second that passed now, was a second too long. A second in which James could easily snap Bella's neck. Or rather, easily sink his teeth into her translucent skin.

Then it would be over. Either way.

I tried not to think about what I'd find when reaching the ballet studio.

_Tried. But failed._

I wasn't sure which knowledge was worse: knowing the gruesome staging we'd walk into or the fact that it was very likely James would be waiting there, waiting to finish the job in front of my eyes. He didn't care about Bella. He only cared about the chase, the game I had presented him with. I was the one he was after and he knew he could break me by hurting Bella. That was his incredible gain, whereas I didn't have anything to benefit from. Nothing to beat him.

As I sat there in the back seat, I wished for the power of prayer. To be religious. That it wouldn't be absurd for a vampire to ask a higher being for something; any kind of small relief or a sign that everything was going to be alright. I wasn't devout because I couldn't understand why a god would ever put someone as pure as Bella through this kind of danger and agony. She didn't deserve all the misfortune that had followed her around ever since she arrived in Forks. Of course, I was unequivocally a part of that. So maybe I didn't deserve the small relief of a god to guide me. A creature such as myself surely belonged in hell anyway.

Somewhere very far away - or at least it seemed that way to me - I heard Carlisle's phone ring. The ringing stopped before I could fully register the sound, so my father must have picked up immediately. Less than a minute passed before he hung up again and demanded my attention, as he turned to look at me.

"That was Esme. Victoria has left Forks. They followed her as far as Port Angeles and it looks like she got on a plane there. Probably on her way to meet with James. They'll keep an eye on Charlie until we get back", Carlisle told me.

_Charlie._ Of course. I wasn't the only one who would suffer. How would I explain to him that his daughter had died? And her mother. What if James got to them both? Renee had a husband too. Phil. How would these people feel when they learned about the fate of their loved ones? Surely they wouldn't be able to carry the pain.

"How far do we go?" Jasper wondered, pulling me from my depression for a short moment. I was apprehensive about our time-schedule too. It was crucial to know how much time we'd have left...

"It's another six miles. About ten minutes, according to the GPS. Stupid thing. The guiding voice is annoying", Emmett told him as he pressed down on the gas pedal.

"You're going too fast, you'll miss the next turn", the voice commanded before Emmett smashed the black LCD screen to silence.

Carlisle gave him a disapproving look.

"_What?_ I'll get the owner a new one. One that doesn't talk so much"

Since no one in my family had ever been in Phoenix, we weren't all that familiar with the territory. So we had to rely on silly human techniques such as navigation systems to point us in the right direction. That and our keen sense of smell.

"Well, now we'll have to trust our own instincts", Alice muttered.

"Works better anyway", Emmett told her.

"Edward, you're the most susceptible to Bella's scent. Do you smell her?" Carlisle asked

I knew it would burn my throat even before I took a breath. This wasn't the same burn I was used to. Yes, it was still so very potent to me, Bella's scent, but there was a new edge to it. It was like the aroma was permanently seeping into my brain as a reminder of the distress I couldn't escape.

It wasn't very strong, but I did pick up on Bella and it seemed we were heading in the right direction which is what I told my father

"I can smell Bella. It's is very faint, but it's there. We need to follow this road ", I said quietly.

"Good...", Carlisle said softly.

It seemed we were lucky - well as lucky as we could get given the fact Bella was in mortal danger- because her scent still lingered in the air. This indicated she had passed here not too long ago. Fifteen minutes, but no longer. This was good. It meant that maybe, if Bella had caught traffic somewhere - I assumed she took a taxi to drive her to her mother's house - then perhaps we could catch up with her. That is, if we wouldn't get into some bad traffic ourselves.

So far we had managed to drive up to ten miles within thirteen minutes, all due to the impressive speed of the car. It was a good vehicle indeed.

_Only a few more miles to go_ I told myself.

I tried to refrain from any kind of anxiety. I tried to keep my frantic mind in check, but it was so hard to avoid the round-about way with which my emotions circled inside me. It was not possible for my body and mind to break down, as they were not wired to an active heart. I didn't need blood to pump through my body, it wasn't vital to my survival. And yet, inside, there was an unexplainable throbbing, a pain that wasn't physical but merely psychological.

The same question kept coming back to me.

_How_ would I be able to survive holding her cold body in my arms when it was real, no longer just a vision? Her chest no longer rising and falling, her heart no longer beating. Could I do it, could I live through it?

The answer to that was simple and painful. Deadly, even.

_No._

The moment Bella's heart - my replacement heart - would stop beating, would be the moment I would die too.

Unless...

I couldn't bear to think about the one option that pushed itself to the forefront of my mind as I watched buildings and parks pass us by in a flash. The one option I had always despised and would never accept.

The only option I might have left. A part of me wanted to cling to that like a floating device.

It was the most unthinkable image of all; the one where she was dead because her heart no longer beat. But alive because she'd be eternal. Her body would be cold and white as marble and snow, contrasting with her blood-red hungry eyes. Her expression resentful and unforgiving.

Bella would be alive, albeit with her heart forever still. And forced into an everlasting life with someone who had taken her life away. How would she ever be able to forgive me for that? Why should she?

I was repulsed with myself for even considering this way to save Bella, since it wasn't designed to save her at all. And yet, I couldn't let go of the idea. Because if it was the only way to keep her with me, the only solution to prevent the unbearable alternative from happening, wouldn't it be worth it?

It'd be like with Esme. And I wouldn't be killing her, I would be saving her.

It would be justified because she'd remain alive. And yes, I very well knew it was the ultimate way I could get to keep her with me.

For a moment I exulted in the possibility. It sounded almost beautiful compared to the horror of knowing that Bella was going to die. I had never wanted it before - I always refused to condemn her to that kind of future - but now it was almost defensible.

_Almost._

Because then I remembered Bella's blood red eyes from Alice's future vision and I knew I would never be able to do it. I would never be able to take her life, not even after James had already done most of the damage. I couldn't finish something he had started, not even with another purpose entirely.

So the idea of immortalizing Bella was out of the question. And if I couldn't save her life either, what alternatives did I have left? Was there anything I could do now?

The thought of putting together options to either keep Bella alive or save her from death - such an ironic difference - made me impatient. I was getting restless sitting here and doing nothing, no matter how close we were now. Also, outside it would be easier to follow Bella's scent.

I made my decision as I noticed some traffic lights a few feet in front of us, were burning a taunting red. Neon reminders of how time was too precious to waste.

"Stop!" I ordered abruptly.

"Edward? What is it," Carlisle wondered.

"I have to get outside_. Run_. I can't sit here any longer", I explained

"Edward, we are almost there..." Carlisle pointed out

"What about the sun, bro?" Emmett wondered

"I have to risk it. The car is fast but we are wasting time with those red traffic lights up ahead. I'll be faster if I run..."

Carlisle nodded. I could tell he didn't completely agree with my plan, but right now he didn't want to argue with me either.

"Go then," was all he said.

_Don't do anything rash_, was his silent advice.

And so I went.

At first running was rather liberating; it freed me from the suffocating confinement of the car. And out here, despite the melting sun burning on the pavement, I _did _smell Bella better. Of course it hit me that much harder as well. The sun made her scent so much sweeter. I remembered this from the time she'd been lounging on a blanket in the sun in her back yard. Was that really only a little over a week ago? It seemed longer than that. And although there were only hints of it in the air, it may as well been the most powerful thing to me. It made me fly on the streets and I didn't care if people would stare after me in disbelief. They'd barely see me anyway.

But then, the closer I got to the ballet studio, the more I found my silent heart echoing these sharp stings, my mind went back to thinking of ways to suffer through the pain that would surely come as soon as I reached the studio.

There was one more option I hadn't thought about.

The truth was it was very simple. If all else failed than all I wanted was a way to stop existing when Bella did. Because if she were to die, there just had to be a way for me to stop living myself.

A way to die _with_ her.

Before we met my life without her had been average but that was only because I didn't know better. I had yet to learn about the girl who would make me come to life again. But if she was no longer a part of the life she had given me, it would be emptier than it was before she came to Forks. It wouldn't be average, it would be meaningless. And there would be no point in living on.

As I let the idea of dying myself materialize in my head, I instantly recognized the obstacles that formed themselves around any kind of idea of dying I could come up with.

Killing a vampire was extremely difficult.

But not entirely impossible. It upheld a combination of fire and tearing flesh. Of course, executing this plan was tough. I couldn't ask my brothers to help me because they would protest and refuse. In fact, it would be best to keep my family out of this entirely, since they would never accept it, if I told them or asked for their help. They'd only try to talk me out of it or stop me and I didn't want them to.

There was however the option of an enemy killing me. The enemy I was running toward now. I was sure James would happily oblige. But then there was no guarantee that I wouldn't want to tear him to pieces for what he'd done to Bella, so I threw that idea aside.

Something else then...

I remembered Carlisle's earlier days when he had tried to fight the monster he had become. He had been desperate to kill himself but this had turned out to be impossible. Drowning hadn't proven to be effective, because we didn't need the oxygen. Starving himself didn't do the trick either. He hadn't succeeded and then he had managed to change his existence into something meaningful and he had never thought about suicide again.

_Suicide_. It wouldn't be easy, but it wasn't hopeless.

A plan started to form itself in my head.

The hot pavement felt like it was melting the soles of my shoes, the concrete heat shooting up into my legs. I tried not to feel it, as I got closer and closer to the ballet studio. I focused on my contingency plans and wondered how I was going to execute them...

As I went through the rosters of my mind to find a way, I suddenly remembered something.

_Italy__._

More precisely; _Volterra._

I told Bella about the Volturi. They were royals amongst our kind. Carlisle had lived with them for a while until he found he couldn't reconcile with their way of existence and their rules. He left them but they continued to be the most powerful council known to vampires. You didn't cross them, not if you knew what was good for you.

Well, I no longer needed to think about what was good for me if I'd lose Bella, because there wouldn't be anything good left.

So, that could be my escape route.

If Bella died, then I would have to make the trip to Volterra.

I would have to rely on Aro, Marcus and Caius and call upon their council to decide on my fate and convince them to kill me. I knew there was a chance they might not do it, because I was Carlisle's son, so I'd have to put a great deal of effort in how I was going to ask for this.

There was a strange morbidity in thinking about it - as far as being dead already made it in even more bizarre - but I had no choice. I'd miss my family undoubtedly, but living without Bella wouldn't do them any good either.

I'd forever be more sour and bitter inside than anyone and the thought alone of being around three perfect couples while never being with my true love again made my stomach turn. I'd truly rather die.

The perversity of thinking about death this freely made me feel desperate.

I was hoping and relying on the silliest and impossible of utopias in all my desperation. That I could safe her. That I could change her. That if I was too late in succeeding with either one of the first two options, I'd take my third one and die too. And most importantly, that if it came to the moment where we would both be dead, somehow I would be reunited with Bella in some sort of afterlife.

Because for now there would be no other reunion than her beautiful but tragic words on paper - Bella's letter burned in my pocket - and her crumbled and broken body in my arms. And maybe, if I got to be really lucky, I may have the chance to say goodbye while her heart would still be beating. That may very well be the only luck, I could count on today.

And after that, I would die too.

The Volturi would have to grand me my only wish. I would simply not let them refuse, the only thing I would long for.

_Ceasing to exist._

My second nature, my build in radar guided me where I needed to go. I was close now, I couldn't just smell it, and I felt it.

The strand - so brutally snapping and tugging against my heart from the moment I had noticed Bella's absence at the airport and Alice's sickening vision to show me where she went - pulled tighter again. And for a brief second I wondered if maybe, just maybe the strand would keep us together, even after death.

I couldn't hope for this and so I sped up and ran faster than ever before to compensate the final moments of space and time that were between us.

And so, quite suddenly, I found myself on her old street. It wasn't a significant street, the sun made it seem very sandy and dirty but it looked brighter and less dooming than the street Bella lived in, in Forks. And yet, just a little further down the street, around the corner was a place that made both streets look light and friendly.

Since I was nearly at the studio, I expected a few things to happen soon.

At any moment I would be picking up on a few different mindsets. _Two_, to be exact.

I wondered if James was still trying to keep his mind under wraps from me, or that perhaps he simply didn't care that I could read him now and perhaps even welcomed it.

I listened for the second mind I expected to hear -Bella's mother - but there wasn't one.

This surprised me because from Bella's stories I had always expected to be able to pick up on Renee's thoughts quite easily, since she seemed rather erratic. I figured Bella got her silence from Charlie, but perhaps I was wrong.

I couldn't hear an extra pair of thoughts. And right now, as I ran around the corner onto Cactus it didn't matter what I was supposed to hear because my senses were far busier registering something else.

Something incredibly mighty.

The purest of aromas in the world.

Sweet and salty.

Bright red. Dripping.

I could hear it flow like a velvet waterfall.

Blood. _Bella's blood._

My nostrils flared as I inhaled. My throat roared at the burn and I growled. Venom spewed in my mouth at the idea of tasting her.

I dwelled on this for one second. For one second I thought about the glory of her blood and then, as I reached the entry of the studio, I heard the only sound that would overrule my bloodlust.

A sound that gave me small hope.

A strong heartbeat. Slightly more elevated, but beating nonetheless.

So maybe Alice's vision was more gruesome in display than in reality. Maybe I was on time after all...

I only had a moment to contemplate this before my hope was smashed.

As soon as I opened the door to run straight through to the practice room -where the sounds and scents were coming from - I caught one of the purest of James's thoughts I had heard so far. Before his mind had managed to be impenetrable, but now, his thoughts were wide open. Deliberately, because he wanted me to hear this.

_What's that I hear? The pitter-patter of speedy vampire feet. Looks like someone's here to save the day. Too bad it'll be too late._

It took me two more seconds to follow Bella's scent and James' disturbing mind to find the practice space. And I didn't like what I saw one bit as I entered.

James was hovering over Bella. My throat and nostrils were on fire and it took me more self control than I had ever practiced before to concentrate on my anger and not my lust. But it was very hard to ignore the blood and to try and focus on the fury.

Her blood, his fury.

James was thrilled about my presence that much was clear about his thoughts, and the brutality of his mind was free-flowing now, no more barriers between his mind and my gift. And again I wished I could shut it off, as his thoughts were ripping me apart on the inside.

James had been waiting for me. And he was pleased I was right on time.

He wanted me to see it. The moment he would take Bella's life. He wanted me to see it, so I would go mad and fight him out of revenge. That's what this had been about the moment he had sensed my reaction and smelled Bella.

This was his real success. Not the death of the insignificant human he was leaning over, but the fact he had me riled up. Knowing he would win no matter what. Even if he died tonight - and he would - than he'd still be victorious. Because she would die too.

And maybe not even at his hands, _but mine._

Because right now, smelling her blood, flowing so exuberantly, whispering to me, I thought I was going mad. There was simply no way to resist and I couldn't ignore a new image in my mind.

A display where I did fight James. But not to kill him in defence of Bella.

What I saw was far more disturbing.

In my mind, I fought James and I won. And then the image started to spin, going back and forth between the vision I had seen a few day ago, in the meadow and the here and now I had just registered as I ran into the room, moments ago.

Bella, bleeding on the floor, her luscious red blood streaming closer to me. Trying to capture me. Beckoning me.

And I was eager to be rewarded like this with this delicious treat. And in this vision, I wasn't holding on to the fact Bella's heart was still beating as a reminder that there was time to save her. In my mind, the sound of her pulse was a wonderful symphony for a reason, entirely other.

The _wrong_ reason.

Her heart was still pumping the blood around which meant the blood was still warm and fresh.

The best kind.

The _perfect_ kind.

I wanted it. And in my mind, the vision that took less than a few seconds to unfold itself in my thoughts, I was the one who placed his lips against her throat and drained her from all her blood to enjoy and bask in the moment of it. Until I stopped to see what I'd done. Until I heard James' mocking laugh echoing inside me, knowing he had won regardless in spite of his own death. He won because the temptation had proven to be too big for me.

This new vision was worse than what I had seen in all the visions before this one. The monster inside me roared a vicious snarl, like a phoenix rising from the ashes. A few days ago I had thought to have beaten him, but now he was back and teaming up with James to make sure he'd get his share of the price he'd longed for from the moment he had smelled Bella in that class room.

I didn't expect the after shock of these images and it threw me off my game long enough for James to lean into Bella and aim for her jugular. I could see his teeth shimmer in the faint sun light that shined through the dirty windows.

I stood there frozen. My mind registered that while James leaned into Bella's throat she tried to fight him off. So instead of biting her delicate throat like he intended, he bit in her hand. The cutting sound of his teeth tearing her flesh abruptly woke me from my trance. My mind instantly started working again and I lunged myself at James.

I grabbed him from behind and threw him across the room with all the force I had, which was maximized by the anger I felt. He landed against a few mirrors. The sound was shattering and hollow, but nothing compared to Bella's heart beat which seemed to be booming through the room. James recovered quickly and jumped to his feet.

He glared at me and bared his teeth, growling. "_This_ is why you would defy your own kind? For a ridiculous human. Absurd! "

I didn't even care what he said. I keep entirely focused on the one sound I needed as a motivation.

_Bella's heartbeat._ It was drumming faster and louder. James noticed this too.

"Beautiful, isn't it. It keeps the blood fresh. Now, we could fight for this, or we could simply...._share_. But we better hurry, the blood goes stale as soon as the heart stops and it can't be long before it does..."

My anger turned into rage at his words and I lunged myself at him again and we engaged into a wicked fight. He tried to bite me, which was foolish, because my fury was much grander than his. He had nothing to lose, whereas I had two lives on the line. And I didn't even care about mine, but now that it looked like maybe I was on time, I wanted to get this over with, so Bella could get the medical care necessary for her life to be saved.

As my rage grew to extreme proportions, I momentarily forgot about the call of Bella's blood. I was too focused on James. He would suffer for what he had done to Bella. Any person, who went after her, would have to pay with their blood on my hands. I'd murder them gladly. And although Bella deserved much more than a killer, I didn't consider myself one this time. I was merely defending her.

I heard rumbling behind me and I knew my family had arrived. Alice and Carlisle went to Bella's side while Emmett and Jasper came to mine.

"It's cool, bro. We got it." Emmett pushed me aside.

At first I wanted to jump back in and finish what I had started. But then, as my concentration was broken, the call of Bella's blood was strong again.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I needed to cut off my air supply out of self preservation.

But I didn't. In fact, I inhaled deeply.

And I was ashamed to admit that the battering ram hit me with full force again, like it had that first day and that I enjoyed it.

_I still wanted her._

More than ever before.

So, would this be the last day then?

I imagined the battle I would have to fight to have her this time.

No innocent students, but _strong _vampires.

I had thought about this before, after saving her from Tyler's van, when I had exposed the Cullen secret to Bella. When Rosalie and Jasper had both thought about eliminating her and I would've gladly fought them to save her.

I really didn't look forward to that now, as I didn't want to fight my family for Bella.

Disturbingly so, I wasn't about to defend my prey. She was _mine_ now.

In fact, I wished my family to leave me alone with her.

The meadow was nothing compared to this, I had no woods to escape in. Nothing to protect Bella from me.

This wasn't just her scent. It was her blood; exposed now, ready for the taking.

I gazed at Bella as I drifted closer, her blood chanting to me like an enticing hymn. Pushing aside any rational thought I had left.

Suddenly, like he appeared out of nowhere, Carlisle blocked the view from the one thing I wanted so badly. As if he were able to read my mind, he knew where my thoughts were headed.

"Edward, hold your breath. You're stronger than this. Bella needs you..."

I don't know if it was the mentioning of her name or perhaps the pounding rhythm of her heart. Either way, I felt the desire to taste her disappear.

Beating unevenly now, her heart could barely hold the rapid pace.

It wouldn't be long for it to stop altogether. No heart would be strong enough to hold on to this crazy rhythm.

Without the bloodlust to cloud my view, I was instantly at Bella's side.

But even without breathing, I could taste her. I was burning, venom filling my mouth. But I could handle this, because I loved Bella

And right now, she lay there, severely injured.

A ghastly snarl escaped my throat as I was completely overwhelmed by the pain that rippled through me, tearing me to pieces. Like all the wounds Bella had received were transferring to me like voo-doo.

I longed for the moisture to make my silent tears visible.

I wanted to scream.

And so I did.

"Oh no, Bella, no!"

* * *

**This chapter is paralleled to "Hide-and-Seek" from Twilight. I called it "The Monster" because the next chapter is "the Angel" and I think it's rather appropriate. And yes, I took a little bit of creative freedom again. In the book, there isn't much mention of a fight or any dialogue between Edward and James, but I'd like to think James was sadistic enough to taunt Edward before Emmett and Jasper took care of him. **

**The next chapter will be "The Angel" from Edward's POV. Since that chapter is only 5 pages long in the book, I am going to add some things to the story, which have been mentioned in the book but haven't been put to paper. Personally, "The Angel" is one of my favourite chapters in the book, so I want to do it right. That's why I didn't combine "Hide and Seek" and "the Angel" into one long chapter. After "The Angel" two chapters will be left. "An Impasse" and the epilogue. So this story ends pretty soon.**

**Thanks so much for all the (positive) feedback. Keep it coming, I really appreciate it :)**


	17. The Angel

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and Midnight Sun, its dialogues, the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2008 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**CHAPTER 14: THE ANGEL**

"Oh no, Bella, no!" I cried, horrified at the bloody display forming around her head, seeping onto the wooden floor.

She lay there - deadly still and pale white - my father kneeled down next to her, carefully examining her wounds. Her blood - still oozing from a wound on the back of her head - didn't cloud my mind right now because I simply didn't dare to breath.

It was uncomfortable, but it kept my mind clear from the scent of Bella's blood. Of course, this meant I had plenty of room left in my head to worry about her condition. There was not a sound escaping her lips and her breath came in shallow uneven gasps. But what unnerved me the most was her heart. It beat outrageously, filling the entire room with a frighteningly fast rhythm. I recognized the frantic overdrive of her heart as a sound I'd heard before, but somehow I couldn't recall what it reminded me of.

I was briefly distracted by the tumult behind me. My brothers were taking care of James. Emmett held him down in an iron grip while Jasper ripped him to pieces; precisely and eagerly mutilating him. Their thoughts were murderous and echoed my own. I envied the vicious act they were performing. I wished to be the one doling out this punishment. I wanted my well deserved revenge.

But I couldn't give in to this need to unleash my anger, to find an outlet for all these conflicting emotions. I tried to calm myself by concentrating on Bella; monitoring her vitals. But this didn't do much good, because Bella's heart wouldn't steady and her breath seemed to get even slower. Plus, she still remained unmoving.

And then there were her wounds. Two medical degrees were more than enough to tell me what Carlisle was estimating too. She was bleeding heavily, her leg lay tangled in an awkward twist and there was a slashing wound on her hand.

These wounds seemed quite superficial on the surface. The head wound looked bad, due to the flowing blood, though it could heal, I was sure. But there was something about how Bella was just too quiet. She didn't even scream in pain. It wasn't right.

I tried to alert her; get her attention. Anything for her to magically wake up by hearing the sound of my voice beckoning her into consciousness.

"Bella, please! Bella, listen to me, please, please, Bella, please!" I begged.

Why wouldn't she move, why didn't she answer? Her body was working mechanically, fighting against her booming heart which was pumping around the blood she was rapidly losing. How could a human body possibly endure all these injuries?

"Carlisle!" I called in agony. I needed to hear my father's soothing tone. His practical calming demeanour. I wanted him to reassure me that everything was going to be fine.

He didn't respond as he continued to determine her wounds. Bella didn't respond either; she remained still, contradicting my belief that her wounds weren't lethal.

For a moment her breath caught and her heart skipped a beat. In that moment, that one second, I was certain she was dying.

"Bella, Bella, no, oh please, no, no!" I pleaded, again wishing for my voice to have the power to bring her back. I expected tears to start rolling down my cheeks, I even longed for them to. I wanted these unexplainable emotions to cry their way out in one stream of bitter sorrow. But my eyes were as dry as the hot Arizona air. My heart was silent, though it ached like it was about to explode.

Then, Bella's heart resumed its pounding beat and she starting breathing again, although she continued to suck in shallow short breaths, barely in- and exhaling.

Carlisle softly probed around her head, feeling the wound that still had blood gushing from it. I understood now better than ever how he was able to do this work without letting the blood distract him. I found that since it was Bella's life on the line, it was almost easy to ignore the blood. Who cared about her ridiculously appealing blood when she could be dying here in front of me and there was nothing I could do to save her.

So James had won, like I had predicted. Sure, he was being torn into bits and soon to be burned but before he'd die this violent death he had managed to take away my life as well. He'd get his revenge, but where was mine?

For one moment, my mind jumped to the idea of giving my brothers a hand. At least then I could let some of this rampaging anger out. Of course, what good would it do me in the end? When I'd die along with him.

I longed for the ability to sleep. Not so that my monotone existence would get a hint of variety, after all there was nothing dull about my life anymore - I wanted to sleep so that I'd have the chance to wake up. Wake up from this unwanted nightmare as an escape from the reality I was facing.

Just as I was about to let myself be taken by the peace of the depression I expected to surely hit me soon - once Bella would suck in her last breath, when her heart would give out, unable to hold against the racing rhythm - I heard the most ghastly - yet so incredibly beautiful - sound in the world.

Bella cried out, as Carlisle put more pressure on her head wound.

"Bella!" I shouted with great relief. I knew she was far from safe, but this was something. Maybe I'd be lucky. Perhaps there was time to take her to the hospital after all.

"She's lost some blood, but the head wound isn't deep," Carlisle informed me calmly.

I was thankful my father was here, thankful he remained cool in all this. Because I was on the edge of losing it.

"Watch out for her leg, it's broken." he stated

This infuriated me, a raging growl escaping my lips. I glanced behind me for a second to see James was almost completely dismembered. To a human this would be a disgusting sight, but I was rejoicing. It would have been even better if it had been me dealing with the crime and punishment.

"Some ribs, too, I think," Carlisle continued.

_So much pain._ I wished to feel it. I wished it to be me, laying there battered and broken on the wooden floor. _Me_. Not Bella. I was the monster and she was a beautiful angel who didn't deserve all this inflicted agony.

"Edward.", Bella suddenly spoke.

Her voice wasn't clear; her voice didn't even sound like it was hers. She slurred and I could hear the hurt she felt seeping through as she spoke my name. And yet, I was delighted she said my name with conviction, with trust, despite her frailty. Even in the whisper of her words, I could feel the love shine through.

"Bella, you're going to be fine. Can you hear me, Bella? I love you." I told her softly, soothingly.

It felt good to tell her this. It made it seem like everything was going to be all right. And for now it didn't matter that I didn't deserve Bella's trust, or her love. She deserved mine and so I'd be here until she'd tell me to leave.

"Edward," Bella spoke again, her voice a little stronger.

"Yes, I'm here." I assured her. Like I'd be anywhere else. As long as she needed me, as long as she could still love me, I wouldn't leave her side. I couldn't. I needed her too much. Leaving was the last thing on my mind now.

"It hurts," she whimpered.

Of course she was hurting. How could she not. Her human body was too weak to carry the pain. And she shouldn't have to. She wouldn't have had to if it wasn't for me. I mustn't ever forget that. It didn't matter if she could speak my name like a caress nor if she loved me unconditionally. It didn't matter if I was too selfish to leave or how I wanted nothing but to tell myself things would go back to normal soon enough, that I would just have to be even more protective of Bella. Whatever happened from now on, I would never be able to forgive myself for what had happened. And eventually, at some point, I would have to leave her.

But not today. Not right now.

"I know, Bella, I know", I told her. If only I could take the pain away.

Well, I couldn't. But someone might.

I turned to look at Carlisle. "Can't you do anything?" I begged him

"My bag, please… Hold your breath, Alice, it will help," Carlisle promised.

I could see small frenzy burning in Alice's eyes. The same frenzy I would feel if I would so much as take one small breath. So I didn't. Like Alice, my air supply was tightly cut off. My brothers weren't as strong as they both stormed out of the room, now that James was no longer a 'walking' danger as he was entirely ripped to pieces.

"Alice?" Bella groaned.

"She's here; she knew where to find you." I told her.

"My hand hurts," she moaned with great distress.

"I know, Bella. Carlisle will give you something, it will stop." I promised her

Carlisle got out a syringe which he filled with morphine. He stuck the needle into the crease at the inside of Bella's arm. But it seemed like the pain medication going into her bloodstream had an opposite, unexpected effect.

"My hand is burning!" Bella screamed her voice shrill with agony. So much for the hope for her to be pain-free. She was very much feeling the torture of her broken body now. She tried to lift her hand - to shake off the pain - but she could barely move it.

_Wait._ Her hand was burning..?

My mind registered her words and yet, I seemed to be processing them at an extremely slow speed. I thought about what had occurred to me before - the familiarity of her crazy out of control heart, how it had reminded me of another time, something I couldn't precisely remember. Why couldn't I remember it now? What was my conscious keeping from me?

"Bella?" I asked hesitantly, worrying.

"The fire! Someone stop the fire!" she begged in torment.

_What fire?_ There was no fire. Why was my mind so slow, what was it hiding from me? Had Carlisle missed to determine an injury?

"Carlisle! Her hand!" I urged, hoping my father would be able to assess why she was still in pain now that her body was swimming in morphine. Her hand did have a wound on it, I had noticed this before, but it didn't look deep enough to be the cause of her continuing suffering.

So what was it then? It felt like my brain was deliberately shielding the answer from me, like I was repressing it on purpose. Of course, the moment I read what was the source of her pain in my fathers mind, I understood why.

"He bit her.", Carlisle spoke, appalled.

_Of course._

Her wild heart, beating too fast. The burning of her hand.

It wasn't just morphine in her veins. There was a raging fire inside her. A fire that couldn't be put out easily. Or at all.

James didn't just wound Bella. He left a 'present'; a mark. _A reminder._

_Venom._

I could taste it in my mouth as I thought of James' poising coursing through Bella's veins. This wasn't just about her being in pain anymore. It wasn't just a necessity to get her to a hospital. I had bigger worries now.

Alice's vision. How many times had it crossed my mind in the past few months? How many times had I rejected the images and the imminent future accompanying it?

_Every time._ Bella would never become one of my kind. At least, not the immortal way, no matter how much easier it would be for us to stay together. She would never have to trade in her life for it. I couldn't ask her that. I already owed her too much for every moment she voluntarily shared her life with me, despite the danger she was constantly in.

But right now, it seemed like the vision was coming to pass regardless of what I wanted. Alice had already grasped this as the old -almost familiar- vision replayed in her mind.

Bella, pale white. Her body like marble. Eyes blood-red. A silent heart. Never to beat again.

I felt sick at the undeniable realization that a small, but growing part of me, almost welcomed this image. I'd always been so against it, but deep down, I had always known things would be easier if Bella was immortal. It was the most thorough way to make sure I could be with her forever. And it was far easier than constantly exposing her to grave danger and trying to save her from it.

My eyes met Alice's and I didn't need to hear the words spoken aloud to know what my sister was thinking. But, being Alice, she spoke the words anyway.

"Edward, you have to do it," she told me as she brushed tears from Bella's cheeks.

I responded the way I had many times. I rejected the image with my defence-mechanism, pushing down the smaller part of me that welcomed the idea of an eternal, unbreakable Bella. "No!" I yelled in Alice's face.

"Alice," Bella pleaded, her voice faltering with the pain she was feeling.

I knew_ this _pain. The burning was unbearable. The knowledge that I could do nothing to stop the unendurable flames inside her body was just as crushing. Her pain was my pain and there was no way to help her.

"There may be a chance," Carlisle said, as if he were able to read my mind.

_A chance. _A chance Bella would live? Like she was supposed to?

"What?" I begged. _Anything._ I'd do anything to stop the change from happening. Anything to prevent Bella's life from ending right here.

I read in Carlisle's mind what he meant before he spoke the words. But it didn't hit me until I heard them aloud.

"See if you can suck the venom back out. The wound is fairly clean." Carlisle told me as he placed a large bandage against the wound on the back of her head.

"Will that work?" Alice's voice was strained as she was still holding her breath but also because this new opportunity, this way of possibly saving Bella caught her off guard. She hadn't anticipated on it. She actually preferred an immortal Bella.

"I don't know," Carlisle said. "But we have to hurry."

I glanced at my father as he spoke to me silently.

_Edward, there's little time left. I know this is a tough decision to make, but you don't have much time to think..._

"Carlisle, I…" I hesitated. "I don't know if I can do that."

I wasn't able to hide the agony in my voice, the torment I felt at this decision. How was I going to do this? This was worse then when I had smelled her amazing scent for the first time, when I had plotted to take her life. More agonizing than feeling the passion between us burn me with sensations both good and bad and not being able to act on it. This request - this one way to save her - made smelling her exposed blood seem like a faint breeze far away, easy to ignore.

Of course right now, even the memory of what her blood smelled like made me thirsty. And even worse, I had a chance to taste her now.

And I wanted to. For all the wrong reasons. Not because I could save Bella, but because I wanted to squash this desperate thirst.

"It's your decision, Edward, either way. I can't help you. I have to get this bleeding stopped here if you're going to be taking blood from her hand." my father told me.

_Edward. It's Bella. You have a chance to save her. If you can't, so be it. But if you can find the will to turn this around....._

He didn't sound berating or judgemental. He spoke matter-of-factly. Like the doctor he was. He knew what could be done to save her but if I chose to let the change happen, he would understand. His compassion was immeasurable.

But then, could I do it? I knew what kind of frenzy we felt when tasting human blood and with Bella's blood that would be far more extreme. How was I supposed to save her - either by sucking out James' venom or inserting my own to complete the transformation - without killing her first? Did I have enough will-power or was I only hoping I did because my father believed in me. And what was it I wanted anyway? Sucking the venom back out made most sense, but if the frenzy became too much, would there still be enough strength in me - enough strength in Bella's body - to transform her myself?

"Edward!" Bella screamed, as she opened her eyes and searched for me. When our eyes met, I could see how she expected me to make it better. To be the angel and not the monster. She depended on me. She trusted me and whether I deserved that trust or not, she counted on me and so I couldn't let her down.

"Alice, get me something to brace her leg!" Carlisle was bent over Bella, holding the bandage pressured against her head. "Edward, you must do it now, or it will be too late."

_Your choice, son. Either way, I know you'll do what's right._

Maybe it was my father and the knowledge that he expected me to make the right choice. Though it was more likely Bella's agony and her deep chocolate eyes searching for me. The trust and belief I read in them, despite them being clouded with tears and pain left me with a growing feeling of determination.

There were two choices. _One_. I could let the change happen, condemning Bella to a life of eternity which she didn't deserve. Choosing this option meant she needed more venom in her body to heal all her wounds.

_Two._ I could try and save her. Because I loved her and owed her that. This meant I needed all the self-control I could moister up to make sure I wouldn't end up killing Bella.

By the time I took her delicate, burning hand, I was entirely resolved on my decision. I was _ready_. This was the one time I wouldn't let her down.

Of course my determination to save her crumbled the moment I leaned in, her warm body heating my skin like it was on fire. I tried to hold my breath, but I could taste her fragrance on my tongue. The moment my mouth pressed against the wound and the blood stained my lips, I forgot about place and time. I forgot I wasn't alone.

I even forgot _why_ I was doing this.

I had tasted human blood before, although it had been a very long time ago. And the blood I'd tasted then was a cheap badly flavoured rip-off compared to the human blood I tasted now.

Even dripping in venom, Bella's blood was the purest, the sweetest, most heavenly nectar I had ever tasted. Like a thirsty man in a dry desert, I hung on to her hand as my lips were glued to her skin like suctions cups to glass. Like magnets, my lips and her skin couldn't be separated.

Carlisle held her head to the floor, as two large stone bricks - found by Alice in one of the closets - pinned Bella's leg to the floor. Alice was soothing Bella with comforting words as I let her blood warm my insides. Slowly, Bella's screams and thrashes against the fire inside her subsided.

Eventually I could taste the morphine that was numbing her other pains.

I could taste it, but it didn't make me stop. The venom was gone now and so Bella's blood was freed from the bitter after bite of James' little reminder. It was clean and thus even more delicious than I'd imagined possible. It made it far too difficult to stop.

Somewhere inside me I heard several thoughts trying to reach me. I heard my father and his everlasting patience; he trusted me to do the right thing, to have enough control to stop. Then there was my sister and her certainty of the future. Her conviction of the fact that Bella would become one of us, if not tonight than someday. Alice was wrong though, because right now I had no plans to stop from draining Bella's body of its blood completely. So there would be no future in which Bella would become a vampire.

Then, like it came out of nowhere - and truly it did - there was the delusion of a faint voice, calling for me. I knew this voice wasn't real - the room was completely silent apart from one toned down heart beat and my own staggering breath, filled with lust - it was the echo of an angel calling me. Not the one I had confused with the harpy. Not the angel I had believed to be myself once.

This angel whispered she loved me and begged me to stay with her. It was a weak reminder of what her voice really sounded like, but it was strong enough to have me abruptly pull away.

As my head swam with her scent and my body with her blood I gazed at the angel, her voice and face in my head an inaccurate image compared to the girl on the floor in front of me.

I listened for her heart, which was no longer racing. Her breath was deeper, as she was slowly slipping back into unconsciousness.

"Edward," the angel whispered and her voice, albeit faint, was stronger than the pale comparison in my mind.

"He's right here, Bella." Alice assured her as she glanced at me, eyeing me to see if I was composed.

"Stay, Edward, stay with me…" Bella begged

Her pleading was the final thing to pull me out of the reverie of indulging myself with her blood had sucked me into.

"I will, " I vowed with small triumph in my voice

Bella sighed, almost happily as she was finally freed from the nagging pains ripping through her body.

"Is it all out?" Carlisle asked me

"Her blood tastes clean," I said quietly. "I can taste the morphine."

"Bella?" Carlisle called.

Her words were slurred as she was sinking into a pain free sleep. "Mmmmm?"

"Is the fire gone?" he asked

"Yes," she sighed. "Thank you, Edward."

"I love you," I whispered

"I know," she breathed, exhaustion clear in her voice

I couldn't help but laugh quietly at her answer, knowing there was a good chance Bella would be all right. Relief filled me and the aching pain inside me detracted to a tolerable level.

"Bella?" Carlisle asked again.

"What?" she frowned, her eyes closed

"Where is your mother?" Carlisle wondered.

_Right_. Renee. I had all but forgotten about her, as the attempt to save her daughter had taken over my mind completely.

"In Florida," Bella sighed. "He tricked me, Edward. He watched our videos." she explained trying to sound angry but failing due to the morphine in her system

"Alice? Alice, the video — he knew you, Alice, he knew where you came from." Bella told my sister, he voice trailing off now as she was about to lose consciousness.

Alice gazed at Bella in surprise and then glanced at the VCR. Her thoughts became a blur at this news, because she didn't know what to make of it.

"I smell gasoline," Bella sighed

It was the gasoline my brothers had spread through the entire room. The smell of it tempered with the strength of Bella's blood. As soon as we would leave, they would burn the ballet studio to the ground, taking James' dismembered body with it. Ashes to ashes and all that.

"It's time to move her," Carlisle announced.

"No, I want to sleep," Bella complained.

"You can sleep, sweetheart, I'll carry you," I soothed her, as I scooped her up from the floor and tightly held her against my chest

"Sleep now, Bella", I whispered as I pressed my lips against her hair.

***

The Emergency Department at Scottsdale Healthcare-Osborn was crowded with people. Some as badly injured as Bella, others with coughs and fevers. The smell of blood wasn't so easy to ignore here. Alice gave me a small wistful smile as she held her breath, like I did. This wasn't entirely unusual, since we had to do the same whenever we visited Carlisle when he worked ER-rounds at the hospital in Forks. Of course, we didn't do this often, since it was quite overwhelming to pick up on the fresh flow of wounded people. But right now, it was sort of helpful that my mind was set on finding a doctor who could take care of Bella immediately. It distracted me from the memory of her blood.

Carlisle took the lead as he made way to the Registration area. Alice and I followed him. Bella lay silent in my arms, her wounded head resting against my chest. It was almost as if she was asleep instead of badly hurt. The receptionist at the desk glanced up from his news-paper as he pointed to his colleague, seated at a second desk, rapidly typing away on a computer. The first receptionist didn't even blink at the sight of Bella's injuries and her bloodstained shirt. He turned his attention back to the news paper as he took a sip from his coffee. His thoughts were vague and uninteresting and yet I longed to bash his head in for all his indifference. Though that was probably not such a good idea in a crowded hospital. Thankfully it was Carlisle's expertise and calm nature which kept my thoughts from spiralling out of control.

He soon found an ER- doctor and told him briefly what had occurred. It was Alice who had made up this cover-up story in the car. The story was that Bella had agreed to come and meet me in a hotel where Carlisle, Alice and I were staying because I wanted to convince Bella to come back to Forks. However, being Bella and thus incredibly clumsy, she had fallen down two flights of stairs and through a window. Leaving her severely wounded.

After we had figured out this - reasonably - solid alibi, Alice had called Renee, who'd already been on her way back to Phoenix, after hearing Bella's message. She was likely to arrive the next morning. Alice had also called Charlie but she had downplayed Bella's injuries to reassure Chief Swan and so he would remain in Forks for the moment, since he couldn't just leave, being the Chief of Police and all. H was likely to come over during the weekend though.

The physician on call was a man in his thirties, I estimated. He eyed us with a hint of suspicion and envy, clearly feeling somewhat outranked. He had dark hair which was slickly combed back. He looked like quite the stereo-typical good looking straight from a romance-novel type of doctor. He introduced himself as Doctor Simmons. He didn't seem surprised by Bella's - in this case made up - clumsiness, as he muttered something about how ridiculously non-careful some people were.

_Were humans always so cruel and uncaring,_ I wondered.

The insult made me want to break his nose and jaw, though yet again I was certain violence wasn't going to do me much good around here. He led the way to an examination-room where another -female- doctor joined the scene. I carefully placed Bella on the stretcher. The female doctor - her strawberry hair was pulled back in a ponytail and her face was flushed with effort - started to check Bella's vitals while we were summoned to wait outside.

Eventually - after what seemed to be ages - Doctor Simmons came outside to give us an update. "Isabella lost quite some blood, but a few transfusions will fix that. Her leg appears to be broken, though we need some x-rays to be certain. Same goes for her ribs. Also, her skull has got a few cracks in it too. She will need a lot of rest to recover completely", he stated matter-of-factly

Carlisle nodded. "What's the course of treatment?" he inquired

The doctor sighed, seemingly bored to be talking to a fellow doctor - not to mention one he considered far better looking - knowing it meant he couldn't just get away with soothing answers. "My colleague has stitched up the head wound and we gave Isabella a blood transfusion. In a moment, she' will be taken upstairs to get some x-rays to determine the leg-break and find out how many ribs she has broken. I also want to examine her head. Than we're gonna cast the leg and under while Isabella will receive a second transfusion. Once we're done, she'll be taken to a room. We'll give her two more transfusions and keep her sedated for the next twenty-four hours. ", he spoke swiftly.

"Sedated for twenty-four hours?" I echoed quietly.

"Yes. Her skull needs to remain still and her body is covered in bruises. She'd be in too much pain if we woke her up now..." Doctor Simmons said as he glanced at his watch. "I am sorry, I have to go now. It's a busy day..."

"Standard procedure", Carlisle told me under his breath, as he squeezed my shoulder. I wasn't sure if he meant the treatment or the doctor's behaviour.

A nurse then came to wheel Bella away from the exam-room into an elevator. I wanted to follow but the nurse gave me a stern, disapproving look, so I backed down. In the few seconds I had Bella in my view, I smelled a hint of the first transfusion she had received on my tongue. It made her scent all wrong.

Carlisle grabbed my shoulder as he pulled me away with him.

"Edward, let the doctors do their job. Bella will have her own room in an hour or so. Let's go outside, so you can breathe again..."

The hour passed quicker than I had expected. Alice and Carlisle went to back to the hotel where she and Jasper had - badly - guarded Bella. My sister had managed to make our cover-up story look even more realistic by breaking a large window in the hall on the floor where they'd been staying. She had then informed the hotel manager of Bella's injuries and he had shockingly and instantly offered to tear up the bill to make up for the damage.

All the while, I sat in the waiting-area, eyeing the reception desk, where the irritating receptionist was no longer reading his paper but answering the phone now. He occasionally glanced at me but dropped his eyes every time I _glared_ back. Eventually he stopped staring as he probably instinctively felt my fury, I was sure.

Then, _finally,_ the female doctor with the ponytail came to tell me, they had placed Bella in a room. She smiled at me expectantly as she led the way.

"How is she?" I asked as I sifted through her thoughts for my answer before she could tell me.

Like the waitress in Port Angeles the doctor didn't think much of Bella. She was certainly not occupied with Bella's health. Instead she was eyeing me and hoping for Bella and me to be family members. I decided to nib these hopes in the bud before she's take her thoughts to places I didn't want her to take them.

"She's my girlfriend..." I added, speaking every word quietly, but clearly. Technically it was true, though in reality Bella was so much more. She was everything.

The doctor blinked at this as her thoughts were surprised at my candid words. She kept her face composed though.

"Well, we gave her another transfusion. Plus an extra dose of morphine. We'll want to make sure she isn't in pain." She stopped in front of a room. "Here we are. Make sure to press the red button next to the bed if there's anything you need. I'll check in later..." she smiled professionally as she turned to walk away.

I took one deep breath before opening the door, afraid of what I'd find.

The first thing I picked up on when I walked into the room was a soft, methodical sound.

_Ploink. Ploink. Ploink._

It was almost soothing to hear the bag of O-negative dripping through the needle into Bella's veins. A human wouldn't be able to hear it, but to me it marked the moments of time passing. Every 'ploink' a second. Every drip mixing with her own blood, making her body strong and healthy again.

The smell of the standardized blood instantly irritated my nostrils though. Bella's fragrance was all wrong now, worse then before when the nurse had wheeled her away. The generic aroma of the transfusion entirely masked the sweet scent of her own blood.

It was peculiar how I didn't welcome the change. Technically it made it easier to forget about the taste of her blood, but for some reason, I didn't want to forget. Not because I was eager to remember the experience of her blood on my tongue, down my throat, coursing through my veins; warming my body - though it was hard to forget because the memory was burned into my brain- but because I wanted to be reminded how horrible this night could've turned out if I hadn't sucked the venom back out. Also, I wanted to remember the feeling of how difficult it had been to stop. I didn't want to forget about the one thing I'd been afraid of all along. That Bella would be harmed and that I would be the one responsible. And now it had finally happened. So I had to be reminded for the rest of my existence. Just to make sure this would never happen again.

The white sterile bed linens made Bella look even paler, especially with her dark hair framing her face. What I wouldn't give to see her scarlet blush now.

The hours ticked by like they were divided into nano seconds. Every single tick of the clock, drip of the blood going into her veins was discernible. In my head there was enough room to count them all.

Doctors and nurses walked in and out. They upped her pain medication a bit, after they noticed on the print-out from the heart monitor how Bella's heart staggered every now and then. They took that as a sign she was in more pain, despite the heavily sedation. I knew better though; her heart, even with her body sedated, still responded to my touches and it secretly pleased me.

While Alice and Carlisle came and went every few hours, I didn't leave Bella's side. I would be there when she would wake up. _Undoubtedly._

It was Thursday morning when something changed. It had nothing to do with Bella's condition because she was still being kept in a deliberate coma.

I knew what it was before it filled the room.

A chaotic mindset balancing on sheer panic and break down.

_Renee._

I didn't need to be introduced to her, to know this woman was Bella's mother. Not in the least because that was all she had on her mind. Every thought was focused on Bella. Worry, panic, anger. Renee definitely didn't know how to organize her feelings.

She dashed into the room and halted there. Her thoughts gave away she was more than surprised to see me there.

"Hello?" _Hesitation_. Renee's greeting was more a question than an actual formal acknowledgement.

_Who is this and why is he sitting with my daughter._

"You must be Bella's mother", I pretended to guess as I smiled politely. Timidly. I wasn't in the mood to put the full force of my persuasion on Renee.

"And you are..?" Renee wondered as she eyed me with suspicion and curiosity.

I went through her mind to see if Bella had mentioned me. But as I sorted through Renee's thoughts, I didn't find my name there.

"I am Edward Cullen. I am a close friend of Bella's. It's a pleasure to meet you. Bella's spoken of you ", I introduced myself formally. I wasn't sure if Bella wanted me to announce myself as her boyfriend, but seeing how she'd hated to inform Charlie of this fact, I decided to play it safe. Besides, Renee could draw conclusions on her own. A boy at her daughter's bedside was probably not *just* a close friend. Also, Charlie would probably inform her soon enough.

_He's...very good looking. I wonder if he's....Bella's boyfriend. She never mentioned him..._

Of course she hadn't. Bella would rather face vicious vampires or over-protective Quileutes than to tell anyone she had a boyfriend. I suppose it made sense, considering this was Renee and she'd probably never let it go, if Bella gave as much as a glimpse into her life. They didn't have a regular mother-daughter relationship, that much was obvious from Bella's stories, so I sort of understood Bella's secrecy.

Renee blinked once and her pulse quickened. She flashed me an unintended smile. Momentarily dazzled, it seemed.

"You must be related to Alice then?" she mused

"She's my sister", I nodded.

"She sounded worried over the phone. How is Bella?" Renee asked with a frown.

She glanced at Bella's wounded leg and head and tears started to well up in her eyes.

"Poor baby..." she whispered as she went to Bella's side to gently brush her cheek.

"She is going to be all right", I assured her softly.

"Are you here alone?" Renee asked disapprovingly, her voice firm again, "I thought your sister was here too?"

"She's in the cafeteria with my father," I told her.

"What happened to her anyway? Alice said she fell down two flights of stairs and through a window in the hotel you were staying with your father. Bella is clumsy, but it's hard to believe she's _that_ clumsy..." Renee wondered in disbelief

Bella wasn't that clumsy. Danger was just too attracted to her. _I _was just too attracted to her.

I glanced at Renee intensely, hoping I could steer her thoughts in the right direction. "Well, unfortunately, that's what happened. But the doctor assured us Bella will be fine. Perhaps you should talk to my father, he can explain it better than I can", I offered

It wasn't a coincidence Carlisle and Alice entered the room just then. I had heard them coming. Renee was stunned when she faced them, dazzled again it seemed.

"Doctor Cullen?" she presumed.

Carlisle smiled at her openly, friendly. Alice flashed her a wide smile. She was excited enough.

"Mrs. Dwyer, I am so sorry we have to meet under these circumstances," he said severely.

_The looks are oddly genetic. But this man seems far too young to be a father, or a doctor. He must be super-smart. And a model._

Of course, she noticed something about our appearance. But not enough to become really suspicious.

"Please, call me Renee. It's nice to know my daughter has such wonderful friends in Forks. ", Renee remarked as she eyed me warily. She was still wondering why I'd been the one at her daughter's bed and what my relation to Bella exactly was.

Alice bounded forward, unable to hide her inappropriate enthusiasm. "Hi, I am Alice. We spoke on the phone..."

Renee seemed to appreciate my sister's forwardness as she flashed Alice a bigger smile than I had gotten. This miffed me a bit.

The rest of the day, Renee barely left Bella's side. This complicated things for me, since Renee kept eyeing me with a combination of curiosity, admiration and small resentment. She allowed me to stay in the room with her, but she barely spoke to me and I wasn't in the position to hold Bella's hand or press my lips against her forehead. That wasn't something a friend - close or not - would do. Also, Renee's erratic and very chaotic mind was starting to become tiresome. She wasn't like her daughter. Bella was intriguing, Renee was generically enthusiastic.

I welcomed the small moments where Renee would leave the room for a bathroom break, to make a phone-call or to get some coffee. I used those precious minutes to hold Bella's hand or whisper pleads to come back to me in her ear.

The only times _I _was forced to leave briefly was when Carlisle pretended we'd go to the cafeteria. Carlisle played the part of concerned dad towards me and polite fellow-parent when dealing with Renee well. But these breaks of mine never lasted long, because I couldn't be dragged away from Bella. I would be there when she'd wake up.

Day and night interchanged and Thursday night flowed into Friday morning. Bella's morphine doses had been reduced, meaning she was likely to open her eyes soon. At this point, I all but focused on Renee's confusing attitude - she still didn't know what to make of my presence - and kept my eyes firmly on Bella's face.

Bella's mother was fidgeting though, nervous at the promise that Bella was soon to wake up. She sighed in relief when Carlisle - with Alice following behind him - stepped into the room to check in. This was the usual reaction people had to him. They trusted my father's expertise and thankfully he continuingly managed to calm Renee's worries, as well as my own. He was convinced Bella would be alright.

"Doctor Cullen? Will Bella truly be OK? She's just lying there. When will she wake up? Isn't it taking too long", Renee asked in worry - not for the first time - as she stroked Bella's cheek.

I envied the motion. I wanted to be the one to touch her, to hold her hand. I felt empty and alone sitting here and not being able to be close to her with her mother around.

"Like I said before; call me Carlisle, please," he started with a gentle smile, "Why don't we go to the cafeteria for a bit? Edward will stay here, so Bella won't be alone", he gestured towards the door with one hand as he guided Renee with the other.

"I'll call you right away if anything changes", I promised solemnly.

Renee gave me one glance and nodded. She trusted my father's judgement, it seemed. Alice followed out behind them, but not before she glanced at me smilingly.

_Bella will wake up soon. Really soon. I thought perhaps you'd want to be alone with her when she does,_ she winked.

"Thank you", I said in earnest

"You know how sorry I am about all this, right?" Alice told me

"_I am sorry._ I had no right to blame you. If it hadn't been for me...."

"Edward, stop..." Alice interrupted me, "It's not your fault either."

I sighed and stared at Bella's face. "Yes it is..."

Alice rolled her eyes. "You better smile when she wakes up. She doesn't want emo-Edward at her side, trust me..."

My lips curled up as I glanced at my sister. "Soon, right?"

"Yup...I better get to the cafeteria. We don't want Renee to become suspicious and come back..." Alice grinned

She was about to walk out, when I remembered something.

"Alice? Did you see the tape Bella spoke of?" I wondered

Her smile faded and she sighed. "I did. I don't really want to talk about it now. I'll deal with it when we get home..."

She didn't want to talk about it. But that didn't mean I couldn't read it in her mind. James's story, the one he had taped on video echoed in her head and she had drawn her own imaginary conclusions to accompany the story. I saw the images flash through her mind. My sister in a dark room of a haunting asylum. Gagged and bound. James had been after her forcing someone to change Alice to protect her from him. It infuriated me to know how James had wreaked havoc on my sister like that.

"If you need a brother, I am here...," I offered with a smile.

"I know. We'll talk about it later. Right now, you need to focus on more important things..." she said as she gestured towards Bella.

She walked out then and I took a seat next to the bed - as close to Bella as I could get now that I didn't have Renee's reproving looks - and carefully took her hand which had tubes from the IV strapped to it. I quietly hummed her lullaby, hoping she could hear it now that her mind was no longer captured in a haze from the large doses of morphine.

Bella almost smelled like her old self again with only the hints of pain medication slightly tainting her scent. I couldn't help but take deep breaths, gladly welcoming the fire in my throat. Things felt like they were normalizing; the burn was familiar and her heart was calm, though beating slightly uneven whenever I stroked her cheek softly. Business as usual, so to speak.

One thing that wasn't usual was how time was still moving with evident intervals I was still separating time as small as nano-seconds within actual seconds, when suddenly Bella exhaled deeply, alerting me instantly.

Then, her eyes slowly opened.

* * *

**Ok, a little free-style here and there. I have always been curious about how Renee would perceive the Cullens and what happened during the time Bella was unconscious, so I kind of went with it. The facts are correct though, as far as I know. **

**I'd like to point out that I don't just expect positive reviews, though everyone obviously prefers them ;). I welcome criticism as well, since it can only help my stories :) regardless, thanks to everyone who takes the time to write something, I truly appreciate it.**

**Next up is chapter 15: "An Impasse"**


	18. An Impasse

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and Midnight Sun, its dialogues, the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2008 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**CHAPTER 15: AN IMPASSE**

_Silence._

Except for the beeping of the heart machine. The equally timed intervals of the morphine drip.

These sounds had marked the days that had passed; the only evidence of a wounded, but recovering body. But now, I listened for new - freshly significant - sounds. The sounds of an awakening.

I counted the beats of a stable heart, no longer out of control. The gasps of an even breaths by healthy lungs. I watched a chest rise and fall steadily.

Watching Bella's eyes open brought forth a strong unfamiliar feeling. I wondered if all humans felt this emotional when seeing a loved one open their eyes. I couldn't imagine they did, I was certain the overwhelming emotions I felt were too strong for any human to bear.

I felt extremely grateful for this moment. Bella was finally waking up. And she was alive and safe.

I watched her carefully, as her eyes adjusted to the light. Bella blinked a few times, trying to process her whereabouts. Slowly, I could see awareness sink in. She gazed at her hand and then felt under nose.

I caught her hand before she could rip out the IV.

"No, you don't."

It'd been too long since I had touched her. Or, since I had been permitted to. With Renée almost permanently glued to the chair next to the bed, I was happy to have a moment alone with Bella. For once I was thankful for Alice's crazy gift. It was very convenient for Bella to wake up the moment Renée had stepped out.

"Edward?" Bella turned her head slightly, looking at me in wonder.

I sighed in relief at the sound of her voice.

Bella continued to stare at me until something seemed to dawn on her.

Unable to read it in her thoughts, her eyes gave away the agony of remembering everything.

Her goodbye letter. Escaping Alice and Jasper. The confrontation with James. The horror of it reflected in her brown eyes.

"Oh, Edward, I'm so sorry!" she cried.

"Shhhh," I soothed her "Everything's all right now."

And it was. For now at least. At the moment it didn't matter what new obstacle we'd surely face sooner or later. All that was important right now was that Bella was alive and awake and that I was right here with her. For the moment I allowed myself to drown in this feeling of exultance, instead of blaming myself for what had happened and worrying about what the future would bring.

"What happened?" Bella wondered, her eyes still wide with anxiety.

It was painful for her to remember. Just like I didn't want to remember.

Thinking about what almost happened; how I would've been too late if I hadn't decided to get out of the car and run to the ballet studio instead of remaining in the vehicle.

"I was almost too late. I could have been too late," I whispered in torment.

My memory momentarily lapsed back to the moment I had watched James hovering over Bella, ready to kill her. The thought of it made my usually unaffected stomach turn.

"I was so stupid, Edward. I thought he had my mom." Bella winced.

James had managed to easily trick Bella. Renée had never been anywhere near Phoenix. But James made Bella believe she was. I understood that in her panic Bella wanted to do things the way James had ordered her to, believing it'd be the only way to save her mother.

"He tricked us all." I said wryly.

"I need to call Charlie and my mom," Bella remembered.

"Alice called them. Renée is here — well, here in the hospital. She's getting something to eat right now." I told her

"She's here?" Bella asked in surprise. She tried to sit up, but I could feel her heart speeding up. Her eyes became unfocused and her breath caught for a second.

I gently pushed her down onto the pillows.

"She'll be back soon," I promised. "And you need to stay still."

"But what did you tell her?" Bella sounded panicked. "Why did you tell her I'm here?"

Of course, Bella didn't know about the story Alice had conjured up, the alibi to make her injuries as well as my presence - and that of my father and sister - believable to her mother.

"You fell down two flights of stairs and through a window." I explained. Then I paused to measure her reaction. "You have to admit, it could happen."

Bella sighed and made a face. Even the motion breathing or sighing caused her pain. She then looked herself over, giving herself an inventory as to how badly she was hurt.

"How bad am I?" she asked

"You have a broken leg, four broken ribs, some cracks in your skull, bruises covering every inch of your skin, and you've lost a lot of blood. They gave you a few transfusions. I didn't like it — it made you smell all wrong for a while."

It was difficult to sum up her injuries, because for the past few days I had deliberately shied away from thinking about the entire ordeal.

_Bella wounded_. It was a reality I had fought against for so long. But fighting against something bound to happen turned out to be foolish. All along I had known Bella would get hurt at some point and yet I had selfishly chosen to remain at her side, to allow myself all this undeserved happiness knowing the risks. And the ultimate proof - the images of James biting Bella's hand, her blood all over the wooden floor, the taste of it on my tongue - would haunt me around for the rest of my existence.

"That must have been a nice change for you." she stated,

It hadn't been. The OV-negative was a vague reminder of what human blood smelled like. The blandest of blood. Having her aroma mixed with some cheap knock-off scent was almost an insult and not at all appealing.

"No, I like how you smell." And I did. It wasn't a lie. It wasn't like that first day anymore, when I wanted to kill Bella because of how she smelled. Her smell was like a siren call now. It would forever be, not just because a part of me still wanted to have her blood, but also because it was the most meaningful fragrance in my world.

"How did you do it?" Bella asked quietly.

No beating around the bush. Naturally, Bella asked the right question. I wanted to be honest, but I felt uncomfortable talking about this. It was quite intimate in a way; perhaps even more so than making love. The biggest passion in my existence - before Bella came along - had been the longing for human blood. And hers was the most potent. Drinking it, albeit only to save her - had felt like it could have been an - almost - sexual experience. Not that I knew how to compare the two but I imagined it may very well be just as overpowering.

"I'm not sure." I had to look away as I carefully lifted her hand - wrapped in gauze and heart monitor wires, - and held it firmly in mine.

I didn't feel comfortable facing her as I spoke of this. It was painful to remember the taste of her blood on my tongue. Because it had tasted so good. I didn't want to scare her.

"It was impossible… to stop," I whispered. "Impossible. But I did."

The reason for stopping made sense now - I loved her and couldn't live without her - though at the time I was willing to continue, had it not been for the faint echo of the angel - Bella - to rein me in, before it was too late.

"I must love you." I smiled

"Don't I taste as good as I smell?" Bella smiled in response, and then grimaced because the movement clearly pained her.

"Even better — better than I'd imagined."

It was true, I couldn't deny that. Out of all the human blood I had tasted in my existence, hers was the best. I instantly pulled away from the thought of it, feeling the venom burn fiercely in my mouth.

"I'm sorry," she apologized.

That's what she was apologizing for? I was the one who'd tasted her blood. If anything I owed her an apology. And if she were to apologize for anything, it should be the fact she went after James alone. Her willingness to face a monster, knowing it would end up getting her killed.

I rolled my eyes: - "Of all the things to apologize for."

"What should I apologize for?" Bella wondered

"For very nearly taking yourself away from me forever." I told her

"I'm sorry," she apologized again.

"I know why you did it", I comforted her.

The same irrational flash of the anger I had felt when I'd arrived at the airport ran through me. I wasn't angry with Bella, but when I thought about her recklessness, it irritated me. Like when she had thought to be able to fight those thugs in Port Angeles. Her lack of self-preservation was astonishing and definitely worked against my attempts to protect her. "It was still irrational, of course. You should have waited for me, you should have told me."

"You wouldn't have let me go." Bella pointed out.

She knew me well. "No, I wouldn't.", I agreed, grimly.

Bella eyed me and then it seemed like she was remembering things as she shuddered and winced.

"Bella, what's wrong?" I worried anxiously.

"What happened to James?" she whispered.

"After I pulled him off you, Emmett and Jasper took care of him." I told her.

I was still silently upset by this. It should have been me. I should have had my moment of vengeance. Not just for Bella, but for Alice too.

Bella seemed confused at this "I didn't see Emmett and Jasper there."

"They had to leave the room… there was a lot of blood."

My brothers had been alright up until they had eliminated James. Once that wasn't a distraction anymore, when Bella's blood had overwhelmed them - especially Jasper - they had to leave. Emmett had to use a lot of force to hold his own breath and drag Jasper out at the same time. They hadn't come back inside until Carlisle, Alice and I had taken Bella to the hospital. After we had left my brothers had burned the ballet studio down to the ground.

"But you stayed." Bella stated.

"Yes, I stayed."

Blood or no blood, wild horses wouldn't have been able to drag me away from Bella. Though to be fair, her blood was partially the reason I stayed, I couldn't forget that.

"And Alice, and Carlisle…" Bella wondered

"They love you, too, you know." I told her softly

It was true. My sister loved Bella, like her vision had predicted a long time ago. And to Carlisle, Bella was important because she had managed to give me a life, a prospect. I knew for the small fragments of his mind that he was grateful to her for it.

Suddenly, Bella grimaced and her heart sped up a little. More anxiety.

"Did Alice see the tape?" she asked anxiously.

"Yes.". I hadn't seen it for myself but the images in my sister's mind, gave me a pretty good idea of the mocking, taunting tone James had used on tape. Telling my sister about her past. He had relished in every moment of it.

"She was always in the dark, that's why she didn't remember." Bella said

"I know. She understands now." I said flatly. I knew Bella would see the anger in my eyes and I was afraid that talking about James and his sadistic demeanour, would spark a rage in me that I shouldn't want to unleash now. I didn't want to scare Bella.

Bella noticed my fury anyway, even with my best attempt to hide it, as her free hand searched for my face. She wanted to comfort me, trying to soften the anger. But before she could touch my face - and I longed for her to, it had been too long since I had felt her touch - she got distracted by the IV in her hand.

"Ugh." she winced.

"What is it?" I asked anxiously, almost distracted from the fury of what James had done to Alice. To Bella.

"Needles," she explained

She looked away from her hand. Of course, Bella was afraid of needles and fainted at the sight of blood. Yet, monsters she could face without the proper amount of fear.

Her breathing staggered and I could see it still caused her pain.

"Afraid of a needle," I muttered, shaking my head. "Oh, a sadistic vampire, intent on torturing her to death, sure, no problem, she runs off to meet him. An IV, on the other hand…"

Bella rolled her eyes at my comment.

"Why are you here?" she asked suddenly

I stared at her in confusion and I felt an odd feeling of rejection silently sting me, making it hard to keep my expression smooth. Bella didn't want me here? Was she angry with me after all? It made sense, I deserved it. But what if she truly wanted me to leave. I wasn't so sure I could do that. Not now.

I frowned at her as I waited for Bella to explain what she meant.

Of course, being Bella, she remained quiet.

"Do you want me to leave?" I finally asked, trying to hide the hurt in my voice. I was sure that I wasn't succeeding at it.

"No!" Bella protested, eyes wide with horror - This pleased me_. Relieved_ me.

"No, I meant, why does my mother think you're here? I need to have my story straight before she gets back." she explained

"Oh," I said "I came to Phoenix to talk some sense into you, to convince you to come back to Forks." I told her in earnest.

"You agreed to see me, and you drove out to the hotel where I was staying with

Carlisle and Alice — of course I was here with parental supervision," I inserted virtuously, "but you tripped on the stairs on the way to my room and… well, you know the rest. You don't need to remember any details, though; you have a good excuse to be a little muddled about the fine points.", I told her

The lie was easy to uphold. The Cullens were all very good at keeping a straight face when telling a convenient lie. Decades of it made practice close to perfect.

Bella seemed to mull the alibi over for a moment.

"There are a few flaws with that story. Like no broken windows." she pointed out.

"Not really," I said. "Alice had a little bit too much fun fabricating evidence. It's all been taken care of very convincingly — you could probably sue the hotel if you wanted to. You have nothing to worry about," I promised, stroking her cheek carefully, so the motion wouldn't hurt her.

"Your only job now is to heal." I murmured as I continued to brush against her cheek.

The heart monitor Bella was wired to, started to beep erratically, corresponding with my gentle touch and I was silently happy I still managed to 'dazzle' her, even in this state. Bella seemed less thrilled about it, though.

"That's going to be embarrassing," she muttered.

Right, Bella was so very self-conscious. Even now when it truly didn't matter what people thought of her, she was worried about their judgement.

The absurdity of her misplaced embarrassment made me chuckle. As the monitor's anxious beeping filled the room, I had a rather bold idea.

"Hmm, I wonder…"

As I leaned in the monitor went wild. So did her heart. I could hear them both rampaging in their own rhythm.

By the time I touched her lips with mine, everything went quiet, alarming me immediately, giving me no time to enjoy the warm caress of our lips pressed together.

I pulled back instantly and the monitor started beeping again.

"It seems that I'm going to have to be even more careful with you than usual." I frowned.

"I was not finished kissing you," Bella complained. "Don't make me come over there."

I grinned, and bent to press my lips lightly to hers again. The monitor went wild.

_Again._

I wanted to prolong the kiss - the sensation of the fact I was still granted the affection - but this time it wasn't the monitor distracting me, it was a different kind, a more present erratic noise I heard as it screamed in my head.

_Renée_

She was walking down the hall, close to the room. Packed with hysteric thoughts. Her mouth prattling on with nonsensical words. She was talking to a nurse, given the woman no chance to respond to Renée's worries.

Darn. I didn't enjoy the idea of having to share Bella again. It was too soon. This time _I_ was not finished kissing _her._

_I guess my luck with good timing had ended_, I figured silently.

"I think I hear your mother," I grinned in spite of myself. There was something rather comical about this sneaking around. Though the closer Renée got to the room, the more her thoughts - all over the place - entered my mind.

It was impossible to miss her.

"Don't leave me," Bella cried.

I could hear the panic in her voice, her fear that I _was_ going to leave her. Though the separation had been short, it had done its damage. We both knew we couldn't leave each other right now. The pain of it would be too much for both of us. I wondered if, at any point in time, that would change. Maybe Bella had been right all along when she said it was 'too late'. Maybe we were both in far too deep.

"I won't," I promised solemnly, and then I smiled. "I'll take a nap."

I moved from the hard plastic chair at Bella's bedside to a turquoise faux-leather recliner at the foot of the bed. Like a fly on the wall, I was curious about the conversation Bella and her mother were going to have. I knew Renée had some questions. About_ me_.

I leaned all the way back like I had seen people do in films and at school - for some reason there was always one student who'd fall asleep during Ms. Goff's Spanish class - she didn't have the gift of being a good teacher, unfortunately for her - and surely enough it was never me, despite the fact I could follow her class with my eyes closed because it was nothing new she taught. But being what I was, I only had the power to fake it, so I closed my eyes and stayed perfectly still.

"Don't forget to breathe," Bella whispered sarcasm thick in her voice. I took a deep breath and another one to act out the motion of sleeping.

Renée's inner and outer voice was really close now. Still loud, still erratic. Also, still sort of irritating. There was something grating about her irrationality, she was truly behaving like a child and it was so unfitting, especially in this situation.

Finally, I heard the door crack open.

"Mom!" Bella whispered. I could hear the love and relief in her voice and I felt instant guilt at the idea of finding Renée to be somewhat less lovable. I wanted to like Bella's mother the way Bella seemed to be fond of Esme, but it was difficult.

"He never leaves, does he?" she mumbled to herself.

She meant me. And she was right. I wasn't going to leave. Not unless forced. And even then...

_I better ask Bella what's what with this guy. Maybe he is a stalker._

I could hear the awkward resentment in Renée's voice, both internally as well as spoken. I didn't like it. Though she was sort of right; I had been a stalker. Self-confessed even, with my plans and plots to be around Bella early on, after I had managed to control the call for her blood.

"Mom, I'm so glad to see you!" Bella cried. And she was. But not like a child wanting comfort from her mother. It was the other way around. Bella was relieved - almost like a mother - that Renée was safe and sound.

"Bella, I was so upset!"

_Tell me about it_, I thought. For almost three days I had been a silent witness to her worry. Both internal as well as external. I briefly imaged how Renée must have driven Charlie crazy and sadly it wasn't a surprise to me why she had left him. Forks would have never been big enough for her.

"I'm sorry, Mom. But everything's fine now, it's okay," Bella comforted her.

This role reversal continued to bother me. Bella was the daughter. A wounded daughter no less. She should be the one comforted, not the other way around. The dynamic between Bella and her mother was a difficult one to comprehend.

"I'm just glad to finally see your eyes open."

_As was I._

"How long have they been closed?" Bella wondered.

Almost three days. The longest time in my entire existence. And I had a good idea what time meant. The past few days I had counted every nano-second of it.

"It's Friday, hon, you've been out for a while." Renée told her.

"Friday?" Bella mused.

"They had to keep you sedated for a while, honey — you've got a lot of injuries." Renée explained

"I know." Of course she did. She could feel them any time she so much as breathed.

"You're lucky Dr. Cullen was there. He's such a nice man… very young, though. And he looks more like a model than a doctor…" Renée observed.

Like I had read in her mind. Renée was somewhat suspicious, but she didn't think too much of it. Her mind was simply not designed that way. Her mind was too uncontrolled to be giving extra thought to these things.

"You met Carlisle?" Bella asked. She was trying to be blasé about it. But I could hear the surprise and wariness in her voice.

"And Edward's sister Alice. She's a lovely girl." Renée stated. Her voice sounded warmer at the mentioning of my sister. She liked Alice, of course. My sister_ was _bouncy and warm, especially for an immortal vampire.

"She is," Bella agreed wholeheartedly.

I had seen it in my sister's thoughts many times, the two of them; Alice and Bella, arms wrapped around each other, undead and alive or both undead, it didn't matter. Their friendship was real and two-sided.

With my eyes close I couldn't see it when Renée looked at me, but even without my vision, I could hear her neck muscles stretch, so she could look in my direction. I could feel the piercing stare of her eyes. I tried to remain in my faux slumber, inhaling and exhaling as evenly as I thought a sleeping person would.

"You didn't tell me you had such good friends in Forks." Renée commented.

Before Bella could answer, she moaned. My eyes flew open immediately, not worried Renée would notice this, for she was instantly focused on Bella too.

"What hurts?" Bella's mother demanded anxiously.

_Look at her lying there, all battered up. My poor baby._

This was a recurring thought, one I echoed in a way, with different phrasing in my head though. I could feel sympathy for Renée's motherly pain. I knew that underneath all the loud thoughts, she absolutely loved her daughter.

"It's fine," Bella assured both of us. "I just have to remember not to move."

Reassured by this, I closed my eyes again.

"Where's Phil?" Bella asked quickly.

I knew what she was trying to do. She was trying to distract her mother from returning to the subject of my family. In particular, questions about _me._

"Florida — oh, Bella! You'll never guess! Just when we were about to leave, the best news!" Renée chirped enthusiastically. She was so easily distracted.

"Phil got signed?" Bella guessed.

"Yes! How did you guess! The Suns, can you believe it?" Renée smiled.

"That's great, Mom," Bella commented. I could hear by the tone of her voice she had little idea what her mother was talking about. Bella was very much anti-sports. I was starting to recognize the meaning in her words more and more, even without the advantage of looking into her eyes. I liked it. It made Bella far less of a mystery to me.

"And you'll like Jacksonville so much;" Renee gushed "I was a little bit worried when Phil started talking about Akron, what with the snow and everything, because you know how I hate the cold, but now Jacksonville! It's always sunny, and the humidity really isn't that bad. We found the cutest house, yellow, with white trim, and a porch just like in an old movie, and this huge oak tree, and it's just a few minutes from the ocean, and you'll have your own bathroom —"

My muscles tensed and I could no longer pass off as sleeping to someone in the know, as I stopped breathing in anticipation.

_Right_. Renee wanted Bella to move with her. To Jacksonville. That was a long way from Forks. It made perfect sense, of course. All the while, Renée's biggest dilemma had been, choosing between her new husband and her daughter. I had found that the guilt of it was a permanent theme in her mindset. And now, she had a way to make amends for this; Bella could move back in with her mother.

I thought I would have welcomed this alternative much more than I did. But instead, the idea of Bella moving hurt. _A lot._

"Wait, Mom!" Bella interrupted "What are you talking about? I'm not going to Florida. I live in Forks."

"But you don't have to anymore, silly," she laughed. "Phil will be able to be around so much more now…we've talked about it a lot, and what I'm going to do is trade off on the away games, half the time with you, half the time with him."

It sounded like a good deal. A safe deal. The right thing for Bella. But the more I thought about Renée's idea, the more it felt like my heart was breaking again. The only comfort I felt, was that Bella didn't seem instantly enthused by her mother's offer.

"Mom." Bella hesitated, seeming to wonder how best to be diplomatic about this. "I want to live in Forks. I'm already settled in at school, and I have a couple of girlfriends and Charlie needs me. He's just all alone up there, and he can't cook at all."

It was kind of a poor excuse. Charlie had been alone long before Bella came along and would probably slip back into that old routine easily. As for girlfriends; I knew Bella liked Angela more than Jessica, but I doubted she would miss them that much if she could trade in dreary Forks for sunny Jacksonville.

So was she using excuses? If so, why? Was she doing that for my benefit? Was she considering my feelings because I was in the room? Or because she truly meant it. I didn't understand it I was always under the impression Bella hated Forks. I suppose it made sense she had warmed to our small town a little bit - because I was there - but when it came down to it; I didn't understand why she'd even consider staying in Forks. Like she'd told me early on, she hated the cold and the wet with more than a firey passion.

"You want to stay in Forks?" Bella's mother asked, bewildered. "Why?"

I could feel her eyes flicker to me again.

_I wonder...could Edward have something to do with it..?_

I was wondering too. Bella detested Forks, she hated the rain. It seemed inconceivable that she would want to stay in Forks because of me. So maybe she was lying to protect my feelings now.

"I told you — school, Charlie — ouch!"

I flinched at the sound of Bella in pain. Especially because I couldn't permit myself to comfort her.

"Bella, honey, you hate Forks," Renée reminded her, echoing my own sentiment.

"It's not so bad." Bella told her.

_Not so bad._ What did that mean? It sounded like a poor way to disguise that she did want to go with her mother, but didn't want to hurt my feelings. And she should go. Maybe it would be easier to let Bella go if she told me the truth about wanting to move back to her mother. If she did than I would have no choice but to let her go.

"Is it this boy?" Renee whispered.

_I don't understand, she never mentioned Edward. Is he her boyfriend after all? He must be something, if she wants to stay in Forks, of all places._

I couldn't allow myself to hope that Renée, usually unobservant pushed right to the core with this assessment. It wasn't right to even hope to be the reason Bella wanted to stay in Forks. _I_ should let her go.

"He's part of it," Bella admitted. "So, have you had a chance to talk with Edward?"

"Yes. And I want to talk to you about that." Renee told her.

I wondered what she was going to tell Bella about me.

"What about?" Bella asked casually. I could hear in her voice that she was playing it coy.

"I think that boy is in love with you," she accused, keeping her voice low.

She was right. In a way. I was so much more than _just_ in love with her daughter. There were simply no words for me to fully explain how I felt about Bella.

"I think so, too," Bella confided. By the tone of her voice, I could hear she was trying to keep a straight face about it.

"And how do you feel about him?" She only poorly concealed the raging curiosity in her voice.

For once Renée's curiosity echoed my own. I remembered when Jessica Stanley had asked Bella about her feelings for me. How Bella had assumed her feelings were stronger than mine, a preposterous feeling too, because I believed mine to be stronger at the time, though now they were perhaps equally strong.

"I'm pretty crazy about him."

The answer wasn't entirely satisfying. I knew why she would tell her mother that. It would saturate her mother's curiosity but it strengthened my worries that perhaps she did want to go with Renée. That she finally had enough of all the danger. It made absolute sense. I just didn't want things to be sensible now. I needed more time with Bella.

"Well, he seems very nice, and, my goodness, he's incredibly good-looking, but you're so young, Bella…" Renée seemed unsure. I could tell she didn't quite know how to have this conversation with her daughter.

_I should tell Bella about sex. I hope she is being safe. She's far too young to have a baby._

Well, that wasn't a problem. Not only would Bella and I ever have sex, it would also be impossible to conceive. Renée definitely need not worry about that. If anything, she was better of worrying about her daughter being in love with someone who brought danger along with him permanently.

"I know that, Mom. Don't worry about it. It's just a crush," Bella soothed her. Clearly Bella was done talking about our relationship in detail. Especially her feelings for me.

"That's right," Renée agreed, seemingly pleased with the answer.

_That's good. Bella is too young to have a long term relationship. Plus, a guy with his looks can probably get any girl he wants. Bella is a pretty girl, but will she be able to hold her own against older girls. What if they go to the same college...I bet...._

I had to tune her out because like before, her thoughts grew tiresome. Renée was very good at stereotyping and it was an insult she thought of me in that way. Also, it was absurd she considered her own daughter as merely 'pretty'. Were people truly this blind to Bella's exquisite natural beauty?

_I need to get back to the hotel, Phil will be calling soon._

Finally Renée was leaving. This was good. And I was no longer ashamed to be thinking this. Renée was best served in small doses and I had enough for the day.

"Do you need to go?" Bella guessed by her mother's hesitant expression.

"Phil's supposed to call in a little while… I didn't know you were going to wake up…" Renée admitted

"No problem, Mom. I won't be alone." Bella assured her. She sounded relieved, echoing my own feelings. Plus, we had some things to talk about.

"I'll be back soon. I've been sleeping here, you know," she announced, proud of herself.

"Oh, Mom, you don't have to do that! You can sleep at home — I'll never notice." Bella told her

"I was too nervous," she admitted sheepishly. "There's been some crime in the neighbourhood, and I don't like being there alone."

Right. The stolen car, the burned down ballet studio. The way to deal with a monster, _Cullen-style _as Emmett would probably call it.

"Crime?" Bella asked in alarm.

"Someone broke into that dance studio around the corner from the house and burned it to the ground —there's nothing left at all! And they left a stolen car right out front. Do you remember when you used to dance there, honey?" Renee quizzed

"I remember." Bella winced.

Her cry of pain alarmed Renée "I can stay, baby, if you need me."

"No, Mom, I'll be fine. Edward will be with me.", Bella told her.

_I am not sure I am happy about that. _

Of course she wasn't. She didn't like this one bit. I on the other hand was quite happy with the idea of Renée being out of our way for a little while.

"I'll be back tonight." she told Bella. It sounded as much like a promise as it did a warning and I could feel her eyes on me again.

"I love you, Mom."

"I love you, too, Bella. Try to be more careful when you walk, honey, I don't want to lose you."

I had to smile at this. It was a good thing Renée believed our little made up story. One less thing to worry about. Convincing Charlie would be easier if Renée believed it. The Chief was probably going to be difficult and rational about the story and therefore less easy to convince.

As Renée left, a nurse entered to check on Bella. She read the paper readout on the heart monitor. "Are you feeling anxious, honey? Your heart rate got a little high there."

Right, the effect of me wanting to kiss her. Recorded proof of it. I was smug enough to like that.

"I'm fine," Bella assured her.

"I'll tell your RN that you're awake. She'll be in to see you in a minute."

As soon as the nurse left, I went to Bella's side.

You stole a car?" Bella questioned, raising her eyebrows.

"It was a good car, very fast." I smiled

"How was your nap?" she asked.

"Interesting." I said wryly. Very interesting, indeed.

"What?", Bella wondered.

I looked down as I spoke "I'm surprised. I thought Florida… and your mother… well; I thought that's what you would want."

I wasn't sure if I wanted to know the answer. What if she_ did_ tell me she'd rather go to Jacksonville? Would I stop her, beg her not to? There was a fair chance I would, despite knowing better.

I looked up at her again, expecting the worst.

"But you'd be stuck inside all day in Florida. You'd only be able to come out at night, just like a real vampire."

I wanted to laugh at the relief I felt, hearing Bella include me in the life she'd have in Florida. But there was nothing funny about it. Bella belonged in the warmth of the Floridian sun, a much healthier place for her to be. I'd only be a nasty obstacle, forever casting a dark shadow on her life.

I tried to smile, but failed. "I would stay in Forks, Bella. Or somewhere like it," I explained. "Someplace where I couldn't hurt you anymore."

The last part slipped. I didn't even want to say it aloud; I would have saved that argument for a different day, once we were back in Forks. But the truth - even more painful when said to her face - was that I'd almost killed her. That I had allowed my nature to become the basis for it.

She gazed at me for a few moments, her expressing changing from shocked to pained. Both physical as well as emotional. Her heart was drumming loudly, bouncing off the walls of the room. She had read too much into my words but before I could explain and tell her to calm down, a nurse walked into the room. She looked at Bella and then turned to the monitors to observe Bella's condition.

"Time for more pain meds, sweetheart?" she asked kindly, tapping the IV feed.

"No, no," Bella mumbled "I don't need anything." she whispered. I could hear the pain in her voice. She would fare better with more morphine, but stubborn as she was she rejected being taken care of.

"No need to be brave, honey. It's better if you don't get too stressed out; you need to rest." She waited for Bella to answer but Bella just shook her head

"Okay," she sighed. "Hit the call button when you're ready."

She gave me a stern look, and threw one more anxious glance at the machinery, before leaving.

But Bella wouldn't calm down. She looked at me with frantic eyes.

The problem with that was that as rational as I pretended to converse about it, deep down I recognized the pain. The ripping of the heart strings, even so prematurely for we were still together. The idea of it was already excruciating enough.

"Shhh, Bella, calm down." I soothed

"Don't leave me," she begged in a broken voice.

Her heart was beating erratically, out of control.

"I won't," I promised. "Now relax before I call the nurse back to sedate you."

But her heart continued to beat so loudly, I was worried it would give out.

"Bella. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here as long as you need me.", I tried to calm her by stroking her face, more roughly than I wanted but the fact her heart didn't slow, made me anxious. I was also a bit irritated at the idea Bella would get so irrationally worried about me leaving her. I was here; I had been here all this time. How could she not understand that I couldn't leave now? Not even if it was the right thing to do. Had I not told her this many times before...?

"Do you swear you won't leave me?" She gasped. I could see how trying to steady her breath caused her agony.

I took her face in my hands and stared at her intensely. . "I swear."

It took a while but slowly her breathing slowed and her heart beat steadied.

"Better?" I asked.

"Yes," Bella said

"That was an overreaction", I muttered under my breath, shaking my head.

"Why did you say that?" Bella whispered. "Are you tired of having to save me all the time? Do you want me to go away?"

_Typical_. Bella sure knew how to be absurd sometimes. It wasn't that I wanted her to go away. I wanted to be strong enough to leave. So she could continue her life without trouble or danger.

"No, I don't want to be without you, Bella, of course not. Be rational. And I have no problem with saving you, either — if it weren't for the fact that I was the one putting you in danger… that I'm the reason that you're here."

I was internally beating myself up continuously with this fact. I was either the danger myself or the reason other dangers found her.

"Yes, you are the reason." Bella agreed, frowning. "The reason I'm here — alive." she added.

Alive she was, but it could have so easily been too late. I could have killed her myself. So the fact she got hurt because of me outweighed the fact I had saved her from becoming a monster.

"Barely. Covered in gauze and plaster and hardly able to move." I whispered

"I wasn't referring to my most recent near-death experience," Bella said, seemingly growing irritated by the sound of it. "I was thinking of the others — you can take your pick. If it weren't for you, I would be rotting away in the Forks cemetery."

"That's not the worst part, though," I continued to whisper, ignoring her harsh words "Not seeing you there on the floor… crumpled and broken." I choked. "Not thinking I was too late. Not even hearing you scream in pain — all those unbearable memories that I'll carry with me for the rest of eternity. No, the very worst was feeling… knowing that I couldn't stop. Believing that I was going to kill you myself."

It had been so close. The thought of her blood now, made me thirsty. I had to swallow hard to push the venom down and every time I thought of the taste of it, I was more disgusted with myself.

"But you didn't.", Bella pointed out.

"I could have. So easily." If I was truly fair and if I truly cared, I would leave. It would be the right thing to do. But it had been so long since I had done the right thing. I barely remembered how to. The impulse to cling on to the happiness Bella brought me was too strong and I couldn't break away from it.

I noticed the fresh panic in Bella's eyes; her heart started to pick up speed again.

"Promise me," she whispered.

"What?" I asked in wonder. Had I not just promised to stay with her? Why did she still assume otherwise. Humans were rather dramatic sometimes. I assumed this had to do with how their emotions were less controlled in comparison to the ones of a vampire.

"You know what." Bella said angrily.

"I don't seem to be strong enough to stay away from you, so I suppose that you'll get your way… whether it kills you or not," I added, roughly.

If I stayed with Bella, she'd end up dead, it was an inescapable fact neither of us could escape. And so Renée's assumption I'd leave Bella - albeit she believed it to be for some random college girl - wasn't that much off the mark when looked at in a sadistic reversed light. I'd kill her before she could leave. It was simply bound to happen. With or without blood on my hands, I'd always be the guilty party. Like Renée assumed correctly, though with a different idea in her head.

"Good.", Bella said she kept her eyes on me. She didn't look friendly, in fact she was angry.

"You told me how you stopped… now I want to know why," she demanded.

"Why?" I repeated. Wasn't that obvious. Did she really want to know _why_ I hadn't killed her? Once again her backwards thoughts baffled me.

"Why you did it. Why didn't you just let the venom spread? By now I would be just like you." she clarified

The information hit me, because this was something Bella wasn't supposed to know. _Ever._ I knew instantly who the source of this information was.

_Alice__. _

Of course it'd been Alice who had told Bella and I felt a fresh rage burn inside me at the news. What in the world had possessed my sister to tell Bella _this_? And more importantly, why was Bella treating this like it was the most normal thing to talk about. Why did she seem mad that I had sucked the venom back out. Was she truly angry I didn't allow for James' poison to change her?

I kept silent as I watched her. I knew she could read the anger in my eyes, but she was long past being afraid of it, so she wasn't going to let this go.

"I'll be the first to admit that I have no experience with relationships," Bella continued "But it just seems logical… a man and woman have to be somewhat equal… as in, one of them can't always be swooping in and saving the other one. They have to save each other equally."

It was such an irrational thing she claimed. Men saved women, end of story. I was old fashioned enough to stick by that. Especially if the man was a strong supernatural creature and the girl a fragile human. It made the pre-feminist ways sort of necessary. And her argument was a moot point because I'd never allow Bella to become Superman.

I folded my hands under my chin and leaned in onto the edge of the bed. I thought about all the things I loved about her; her perfect face, her angry chocolate eyes. Her full lips and translucent skin which I enjoyed touching so much. Her way of seeing right through me, her usually misplaced anger, making her look less fierce and even more breakable. Her big heart, her love for did I end up being this lucky. What would have become of me had Bella not moved to Forks and into my permanently vacant heart? I would've been the same bitter monster, staring at the walls of Forks High, counting the tiles and cracks. There would have been no new significance, just the boring slumber of every day life. I would've never known what it would feel like to truly love someone. To find meaning in every single moment, no longer finding them to be interchangeable.

As I watched her, I realized I wasn't mad at Bella, that was silly anyway. But surely, I'd talk to Alice about this later.

"You have saved me," I said quietly.

It was the one truth I was so certain of. Before Bella I was nothing. Now, I was almost alive. She had saved me from an existence of eternal ignorance to my surroundings, self-loathing and intolerance. She had made me a - better?- ..._man._

"I can't always be Lois Lane," Bella insisted. "I want to be Superman, too."

It was a ridiculous concept; Bella a vampire. The idea, I had only welcomed it when I thought she was dying. But now that she was alive there was no way she was going to become immortal.

"You don't know what you're asking." I told her softly, while I stared past her.

I thought about my inability to do it. For one, there was the taking away of her life; it was my biggest problem with Alice's vision. Then there was the pain of the raging fire inside Bella, transforming her. I knew this pain so well and doing that to Bella voluntarily, it would be like I was torturing her with hot pokers myself. And last, a never-ending lifetime reminded of the person who'd damned her to it. _Me_.

"I think I do.", Bella stated sternly

She was wrong about that. She couldn't know. No matter what Alice had told her, Bella had no way of knowing what a lifetime of forever would feel like.

"Bella, you don't know. I've had almost ninety years to think about this, and I'm still not sure." I told her

The only reason I was truly happy to be immortal was because it brought me Bella. And although I loved my family, I'd never been happy about eternity until Bella came along.

"Do you wish that Carlisle hadn't saved you?" Bella wondered

Just after my own awakening, when the fire had ceased and my limbs and mind were strong again, I had cursed Carlisle for what he'd done to me. Wanting me ignore my destiny and longing to hunt and taste human blood. Drawing me into this life without being able to truly feel it. It wasn't until I had seen the opposite, the monster in the mirror and the knowledge I could try to be different that I had learned to be thankful for what my father had done.

"No, I don't wish that." I paused to organize my thoughts. To explain to her what it was she was asking of me. "But my life was over. I wasn't giving anything up."

"You are my life. You're the only thing it would hurt me to lose." Bella admitted

Her argument warmed me, but it didn't mean I'd give in.

"I can't do it, Bella. I won't do that to you."

"Why not?" Bella demanded loudly. "Don't tell me it's too hard! After today or I guess it was a few days ago… anyway, after that, it should be nothing."

How could she say that? How could she expect me to do this? I knew there was a fair chance I would be strong enough to change her, instead of instantly killing her. But I simply didn't want to do it to her. The moment my venom would course through her veins, she'd hate me for what I'd done. Just before she'd start begging for someone to kill her.

"And the pain?" I asked.

I could tell she was thinking about the pain too. The screaming pain. The wild fire. The wish to die for it to stop. I had been there.

"That's my problem," she said. "I can handle it."

"It's possible to take bravery to the point where it becomes insanity." I pointed out wryly, while I yet again wondered if perhaps it was her cracked skull, that made her so unreasonable.

Bella tried to be nonchalant. "It's not an issue. Three days. Big deal."

So...she knew that too. It looked like Alice had completely forgotten to keep her opinion to herself.

"Charlie?" I asked curtly. "Renée?"

I could tell she was mulling it over, as I mentioned her parents. Leaving them behind would be very difficult, especially if she did it voluntarily.

I lost most of my anger as I thought about how this was something she couldn't argue with.

"Look, that's not an issue either," Bella finally muttered. "Renée has always made the choices that work for her — she'd want me to do the same. And Charlie's resilient; he's used to being on his own. I can't take care of them forever. I have my own life to live."

How could she not see this, how absurd it was what she was asking. Was she being stubborn again, or had she perhaps lost her mind. With a fractured skull like hers, perhaps her physical state influenced her irrational behaviour.

"Exactly," I snapped. "And I won't end it for you."

"If you're waiting for me to be on my deathbed, I've got news for you! I was just there!"

"You're going to recover," I reminded her.

Bella took a deep breath, staring at me. I stared right back. Neither of us was going to give in. Her fury was endearing and irritating at the same time.

"No," Bella said slowly. "I'm not."

Hmm, what did she mean by that? She was going to be fine. Was she feeling more pain than she was letting on? I fought the urge to examine her myself. Her heart seemed fine. A little fast now, but she was angry and the anger made her heart pump around extra adrenaline. That was normal.

I frowned "Of course you are. You may have a scar or two…"

"You're wrong," Bella insisted. "I'm going to die."

What was she talking about? "Really, Bella." I said anxiously. "You'll be out of here in a few days. Two week at most."

Bella glared at me, seemingly displeased that I wasn't giving in to her pleas.

"I may not die now… but I'm going to die sometime. Every minute of the day, I get closer. And I'm going to get old."

I frowned and closed my eyes. I was getting impatient with this. She was asking me to end her life. But how could I? How could I take away the life of the one I loved? Surely that was murder. It went against the grain, against the way her life was supposed to unfold.

"That's how it's supposed to happen. How it should happen. How it would have happened if I didn't exist — and I shouldn't exist." I told her

I opened my eyes as Bella snorted at what I said "That's stupid. That's like going to someone who's just won the lottery, taking their money, and saying, 'Look, let's just go back to how things should be. It's better that way.' And I'm not buying it."

"I'm hardly a lottery prize," I growled.

"That's right. You're much better."

"Bella, we're not having this discussion anymore. I refuse to damn you to an eternity of night and that's the end of it," I told her angrily, hoping against my better judgement that she'd let it go.

"If you think that's the end, then you don't know me very well. You're not the only vampire I know." she warned.

_Of course._ If _I_ wouldn't give her what she thought she wanted, she would know who to ask.

"Alice wouldn't dare.", I hissed

Except that she would, it seemed. Alice was too keen on befriending Bella; I could see her try and change Bella herself. Try and fail because Alice wouldn't be likely to be very skilled in professing self control. But Bella, observant as she always was, knew precisely why my sister would perhaps be more willing and why I was against it.

"Alice already saw it, didn't she?" she guessed. "That's why the things she says upset you. She knows I'm going to be like you… someday."

Yes, right to the core. She had all the advantages. No mind reading powers necessary to see right through me, when most of the time I still only had the power of guessing.

"She's wrong. She also saw you dead, but that didn't happen, either."

I tried to convince myself that my sister wasn't always right - in fairness she couldn't always be infallible - but to say she was wrong was more a defence mechanism than a standing fact. Bella - naturally - knew this too.

"You'll never catch me betting against Alice."

For some time all we did was glare at each other again. Admittedly, we were both stubborn. But I had the more reasonable arguments. Bella was going to remain human.

"So where does that leave us?" Bella wondered after a while.

I chuckled without humour "I believe it's called an impasse."

Bella sighed. "Ouch," she muttered.

"How are you feeling?" I asked, as I eyed for the button to call the nurse.

"I'm fine," she said but I knew she was lying

"I don't believe you," I said gently.

"I'm not going back to sleep."

"You need rest. All this arguing isn't good for you." I pointed out

"So give in," she hinted.

She had to know I wouldn't. Not _this_ easily.

"Nice try." I reached for the button.

"No!"

I ignored her. I had no choice but to disobey her wishes now. I hated to see her in pain. It was a too painful a reminder of all the havoc James had caused. And all the responsibility I had lacked, making it so easy for him.

"Yes?" the speaker on the wall squawked.

"I think we're ready for more pain medication," I said calmly, ignoring the furious expression on Bella's face, her hate for seeming weak displayed in her features.

"I'll send in the nurse." The voice sounded very bored. As did her thoughts, so I tuned them out.

"I won't take it," Bella promised. Too bad she had little choice now.

I glanced at her IV. "I don't think they're going to ask you to swallow anything."

Her heart picked up speed again.

"Bella, you're in pain. You need to relax so you can heal. Why are you being so difficult? They're not going to put any more needles in you now."

"I'm not afraid of the needles," she mumbled. "I'm afraid to close my eyes."

I took her face in my hands again and smiled "I told you I'm not going anywhere. Don't be afraid. As long as it makes you happy, I'll be here."

A risky thing to promise. I had no idea how long it'd be acceptable to stay.

She smiled back, ignoring the ache in my cheeks. "You're talking about forever, you know."

"Oh, you'll get over it — it's just a crush." I shrugged

Bella shook her head. "I was shocked when Renée swallowed that one. I know you know better."

"That's the beautiful thing about being human," I told her "Things change."

And they did, for humans anyway. In time, perhaps Bella would long for a different, danger free life. A very miniscule part of me hoped for this, since it would grant me the security Bella would remain unharmed. But the dominant, controlling part of my mind, the part still conducting my actions was still too selfish to give in.

Her eyes narrowed "Don't hold your breath."

I laughed at her remark as the nurse entered with a syringe.

"Excuse me," she said brusquely to me.

I got up to get out of her way. I leaned against the wall across the room - arms folded, observing the nurse. Bella gazed at me frantically and I stared back with a calm expression.

"Here you go, honey." The nurse smiled as she injected the medicine into the IV catheter tube. "You'll feel better now."

"Thanks," Bella mumbled unenthusiastically

"That ought to do it," the nurse muttered as Bella's eyelids got heavy.

As soon as the nurse left I was at Bella's side. I softly pressed my lips to her forehead, her scent burning my throat.

"Stay." The word was slurred.

"I will," I promised. "Like I said, as long as it makes you happy…as long as it's what's best for you."

" 'S not the same thing," Bella mumbled.

I laughed at this. Bella's stubbornness was endearing now that she wasn't alert enough to argue with me. Perhaps it was small arrogance on my part but I truly wanted what was best for her and I had to take advantage of these small moments where Bella couldn't argue, thus not undermine what little rational, selfless feeling I had left. Only at these moments, I found the strength to evade my own egoistic behaviour and see what was best for Bella, as opposed to what I wanted.

"Don't worry about that now, Bella. You can argue with me when you wake up.", I assured her.

And surely she would, as she tried to smile at my promise, but failed because the drowsiness took over. '"Kay.", she agreed.

I leaned in and whispered in her ear "I love you,"

"Me, too." she mumbled

I laughed quietly "I know,".

Bella turned her head slightly, her lips pouting up a little. She was searching...

_For my lips_.

I bend and gently pressed my lips to hers.

"Thanks," she sighed.

"Anytime."

She seemed to be asleep, but then Bella moved her lips. The pain medication made it difficult for her to properly pronounce my name.

"Edward?"

"Yes?" I wondered

"I'm betting on Alice," she mumbled.

And then she drifted off into a morphine induced slumber.

Once more I softly pressed my lips to her forehead before I took a seat at her bedside to watch over her. Like I had done the past few days.

Like I had done the past few months.

Watching her sleep was most significant thing in my world at night when I couldn't dream with her. All the precious hours I'd watch her talk in her sleep. When she'd speak my name. When she told me she loved me.

I wouldn't trade them in for anything. Not even the horror that had taken place recently.

As I watched her, I vouched that someday - I'd force myself to be strong enough to leave; whether because Bella would order me away, or because I'd finally be repelled enough with my own selfish ways to make myself go.

But like I had promised her, until that moment would come, I would stay.

At Bella's side.

Where I belonged.

For _the time being…_

* * *

**First, thanks for every one's continuing words of support, I truly appreciate it. Thanks for pointing out the good and the 'needs work' things about the story. Keep your opinions coming!**

**About this chapter; it's long in general and I know that doesn't always make it easier to keep reading, but I don't think I can take much out this time, because the original dialogue is long too. I know Edward's leaving/staying/ I am to blame issues are recurring and perhaps even tiresome (You'd want the guy to take a chill-pill, right :P) but I feel he'll always beat himself up over these things. As for the love/hate for Renée; I imagine her thoughts must be tiresome and screaming to him. Also, I think she truly warmed up to him when Bella and Edward go to visit her in Eclipse. It's then she realized their love is serious and permanent, IMHO. **

**OK, next up; the last chapter. "An Occasion".**


	19. Epilogue: An Occasion

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and Midnight Sun, its dialogues, the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2008 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**CHAPTER 16: EPILOGUE: AN OCCASION**

_Forks. _

Clouded skies. Green fields. Dark forests. The complete opposite of what sunny, blue skied, sandy Phoenix looked like.

But it was home and I was happy to have returned.

One month had passed since the horrific ordeal with James and it seemed the entire thing had brought forth a new appreciation for our small home town. Both for me as well as Bella.

She barely complained about the rain anymore, sometimes even welcoming it now. I wondered if her terrifying brush with death - and the alternative of an eternal life - had permanently damaged her love for warm Arizona. I supposed her former home town was painted with horrid images now.

The days after Bella woke up were interchangeable, with the only difference that Bella was slowly recuperating. I never left her side, except when Renée and Charlie would visit, giving Bella some together time with her parents.

Since the bruises on her body healed surprisingly fast and her head was much better, Doctor Simmons gave his approval for her release and return home after two weeks in the hospital. Carlisle agreed to take over in Forks as Bella primary physician, making sure her recovery would be monitored properly.

Renée had a hard time letting her daughter go, which led to a tearful goodbye between Bella and her mother. Though Renée was the one with the wetness streaming down her face. Bella on the other hand seemed rather relieved to be going back to Forks.

Or _home_, as she now called it. Renée had a tough time dealing with this too. During Bella's time in the hospital Renée had tried over and over to convince Bella to move to Jacksonville with her. But Bella had pointed out she belonged in Forks.

_With me. _

_This_, of course was the main reason Renée wanted Bella to move back in with her. She got the idea into her head that Charlie wasn't paying proper attention to Bella because he was allowing Bella to date me. It took the Chief a lot of coaxing to convince Bella's mother to not start a new custody battle. Bella herself had to intervene too, explaining to her mother that Charlie was doing a fine job as a parental authority.

The Chief didn't quite agree with that though. I could read it in his thoughts every time he saw me. How he blamed himself and even more so, how he blamed _me_.

I completely understood and echoed his blame. Charlie felt I was responsible for Bella's accident - he was absolutely right - and he had a hard time believing the alibi of Bella falling down a few stairs and through a window. He'd already warned Bella that there was going to be a curfew once she'd be back in Forks. The curfew wasn't so much to punish her for running away without a proper explanation, as it was designed to make sure Bella and I had limited hours together.

Naturally, Bella stubborn as she was rebelled against this and protested loudly when he'd linger in her room whenever Renée had step out. Sometimes he obliged and gave in, getting his much needed nutrition in the form of bad coffee and sloppy cheese sandwiches or spend some time showing his never ending gratitude towards my father, but at other times he remained seated on the plastic chair next to her bed.

Another reason to be happy to be back in Forks. Life slowly found its pattern again, where the Chief spend most of his time between fishing and working. He only paid attention to Bella and me when he came home and found us together. He'd kept his word about curfews and summoned me to leave at the exact same time every night, ignoring Bella's continuing protests about it. Also he had laid out careful rules about our relationship within this curfew as we weren't allowed to touch each other, especially not when Charlie was in the room. And when at home, _he was around_. Almost as much as Renée had been in the hospital in Phoenix. From one parental chaperone to another.

It often made me think back to the plane ride back to Forks. It had been a quiet one, though memorable for me as Bella slept in my arms the entire trip, occasionally smiling up at me when the touch of my lips against her skin would wake her. I was grateful Charlie wasn't there - he'd been forced to go back to Forks early, Chief-duty called - and Carlisle and Alice were discussing something in the row in front of us. I'd savoured this time as much as I could since I knew that I'd be on probation again, once we'd arrive in Forks.

Luckily we still had school, where there was no Charlie to interrupt us. Bella was eager to go back - the reason for this as much the fact it was an escape from the boredom of lying down all day, as it was the knowledge we couldn't be disturbed by her father, I was certain.

Another time when Chief Swan couldn't interrupt was night time when he was very much unaware of my presence in his daughter's bedroom.

It were those moments I cherished most. Every night I watched Bella sleep was a night to be grateful for. And sometimes at night, she would wake up with a muffled scream only to cling on to me for support. But even the nightmares of James had subsided after two weeks at home and soon she also seemed to dream pleasant dreams again, judging by the numerous times she spoke my name, claiming her love for me.

Everything seemed like it had gone back to normal.

_Like today._

The day of the _prom._

But Bella wasn't at all aware of this - which surprised me, since it was all the Forks High student body talked about - but I certainly had been.

With everything that had gone down in Phoenix, I had decided that now more than ever, Bella deserved a normal life and so this became my primary mission, next to keeping her safe. On the few occasions I was allowed to stretch Bella's curfew, I'd take her out on dates to Port Angeles and Seattle. Bella usually protested, because she apparently felt awkward about me spending money on her, but I could tell she enjoyed herself in spite of this absurd financial reluctance.

And so, to honour my silent vouches to make Bella's life as normal - or rather human - as possible, I felt she shouldn't miss the ultimate rite of passage.

_Prom._

Alice, so very excited about the idea me of taking Bella to prom without her knowing - therefore being unable to protest - had agreed to help me.

A small part of her assistance was based on making amends for telling Bella the details on becoming a vampire - though she told me she wasn't very sorry, in her opinion Bella had a right to know- but mostly she was very excited to be picking out a dress and doing Bella's make-up.

Bella had been spending the entire day hauled up in Alice's bathroom and I had been banned from the house, so that I couldn't see the end result in Alice's head.

I had spent the day hunting with my brothers, which was a nice distraction from my secret desire to cheat and take a peek in Alice's mind.

Now I was happy about this, because the moment Alice had assisted Bella down the stairs, my breath caught.

She was already the most beautiful creature in the world, but Alice had certainly worked hard to bring out Bella natural beauty even more.

_You're welcome_, she winked.

Bella was wearing a deep-blue off the shoulders dress made of silk and chiffon. Her brown hair was twisted up in curls with a few loose ones hanging around her face. The deep blue of the dress set off Bella's cream skin perfectly.

She wore only one shoe - which was tied around the calve of her leg with extremely seductive satin ribbons, I hadn't failed to notice that - for her other leg was still covered in plaster.

I carefully pinned a small tied together bouquet in Bella's hair. Alice had picked it out, with the help of Esme, who knew her way with botanics. It contained Victoria Blue Sage, Bellflower and Blue Irises - matching her dress exactly. After that I held Bella by her waist and assisted her with getting into my car.

I ignored the angry expression on her face, knowing it probably wasn't directed at me, but just a reaction to the fact she had no idea what was going on. I knew she hated surprises.

"At what point exactly are you going to tell me what's going on?" Bella asked grumpily.

Right. She really, really _hated _surprises.

"I'm shocked that you haven't figured it out yet." I smiled mockingly.

It was very much unlike Bella to be so unobservant, but I supposed with all that had happened lately, she was allowed to miss out on some details. But prom was huge and Jessica and Angela hadn't stopped talking about it ever since Bella was back in school. Had she truly missed out on that? It certainly looked like she had.

For a moment Bella's breathe staggered and caught. I no longer worried or wondered about why this was. When this happened, I was apparently 'dazzling' her. Of course the feeling was entirely mutual.

"I did mention that you looked very nice, didn't I?" Bella verified.

"Yes." I grinned, knowing I would have blushed at her compliment if I had the ability to.

"I'm not coming over anymore if Alice is going to treat me like Guinea Pig Barbie when I do," Bella muttered.

It was true, Alice had gone overboard, at least a little bit, but that was Alice. And Bella looked beyond amazing. And although she wasn't fond of the beauty-queen treatment, Alice - who didn't have the human memories to echo Bella's - had insisted on giving Bella the full cosmetician's work up.

I was surprised that Bella hadn't figured out why my sister was working so hard to bring out Bella's beauty so perfectly. Even now, that we were on our way to Forks High, Bella still seemed clueless.

As I drove - keeping my eyes on Bella because I couldn't look away for long. It was a good thing I didn't need my eye-sight to focus on the road, because she was looking far too luscious for me not to be drawn in completely - my phone rang.

I pulled it from a pocket inside my jacket, looking briefly at the caller ID before I answered.

I was definitely not expecting_ this call_.

"Hello, Charlie," I said warily.

The voice on the other side of the line was just as cautious. "Edward..." Charlie spoke.

"Charlie?" Bella frowned in surprise.

"I am afraid I have a James Bond looking fellow standing here on my front porch, corsage bound and all. Says he is here to pick up Bella for prom. ", Charlie explained.

_Tyler Crowley._ He had made good on his one sided promise to take Bella to prom after all.

"You're kidding!" I laughed.

"What is it?" Bella demanded.

I ignored her question. "Why don't you let me talk to him?" I offered.

I was looking forward to this conversation. Ever since the day I had considered Mike Newton, Eric Yorkie and Tyler Crowley my rivals, I wanted to set the record straight: Bella had chosen me. Though perhaps not officially as her prom-date, since I hadn't asked her and she hated the idea of going, but she was with me nonetheless and I loved the idea of telling Tyler this. Rubbing it in, even. It was a bit juvenile, but I enjoyed the feeling regardless.

"Hello...?" Tyler sounded hesitant.

"Hello, Tyler, this is Edward Cullen.", I spoke, trying to sound friendly. But underneath the surface the irritation at his bold move of showing up at Bella's house grew as I heard his voice.

"Hi...Edward.." He didn't sound too friendly either "I am at Bella's house to pick her up", he added.

Oh, this was going to be good. Tyler was the type of guy who was a pro at not taking no for an answer.

"I'm sorry if there's been some kind of miscommunication, but Bella is unavailable tonight." I told him icily.

"But I am supposed to take her to prom..." Tyler pressed, "I bought this corsage and all, man. You think maybe she'll reschedule...I could still wear my tux and..."

I had to interrupt him now, before he'd delude himself into new fantasies that were never going to come true. Also, I didn't want to read them in his mind the next time I'd see him.

"To be perfectly honest, she'll be unavailable every night, as far as anyone besides myself is concerned. No offense. And I'm sorry about your evening." I said, knowing I didn't sound very sincere. But I believed this to be the only way to get through to Tyler's thickness of mind.

I snapped my phone shut with a wide smirk. I was glad to have finally put Tyler Crowley in his place.

Bella seemed to disapprove as her face and neck gave away a bright - and angry - red. Her eyes were watery with rage-induced tears. She was not happy and I wondered briefly, if maybe I had insulted her with my behaviour towards Tyler.

"Was that last part a bit too much? I didn't mean to offend you." I apologized

Bella ignored my apology and looked at me with very angry eyes.

"You're taking me to the prom!" she yelled.

I was thrown by her reaction for a minute, but then I decided she had no reason to turn this into a drama. Prom was supposedly a good experience and Bella made it seem like the most horrific thing. And since we both knew a thing or two about real horror, she was certainly overreacting.

"Don't be difficult, Bella." I warned, my eyes narrowing as I felt small irritation at her reaction.

"Why are you doing this to me?" Bella demanded.

Did she really not know? She was all dressed up, did she think there was some other occasion. I was curious what it was she believed we'd be doing tonight, up until she found out just now -

I gestured to my tuxedo. "Honestly, Bella, what did you think we were doing?"

She didn't answer my question as the free flow as angry tears made way down her cheeks. This puzzled me; I didn't understand her behaviour at all.

"This is completely ridiculous. Why are you crying?" I demanded in frustration.

"Because I'm mad!" she cried

I stared at her intensely. "Bella."

"What?" she muttered, momentarily distracted by my penetrating gaze. This was good. I'd take all the advantage I'd get, trying to ease her unexplainable worry and self consciousness.

"Humour me," I insisted.

It seemed I was successful. Her eyes grew softer, though her lips were still pouting.

"Fine," she tried to glare, but failed "I'll go quietly. But you'll see. I'm way overdue for more bad luck. I'll probably break my other leg. Look at this shoe! It's a death trap!" she held out her good leg to illustrate her point.

"Hmmm. Remind me to thank Alice for that tonight." I smiled as I let my eyes wander along the contours of her nicely shaped, uncovered leg.

"Alice is going to be there?" Bella wondered

"With Jasper, and Emmett… and Rosalie," I admitted.

The amicableness between Bella and Emmett was real and mutual. My bulky brother enjoyed Bella's presence, not in the very least because he found her human ways and reactions to be hilarious. Bella, less impressed with his large exterior, was always happy to see him, despite the fact it cost her a few blushes.

Bella and Rosalie was a different story; there hadn't been much progress. Rosalie blamed me and Bella for endangering the family and especially Emmett - this was irrational, because he had never been in danger when up against James. In fact he had enjoyed every minute of it and Rosalie knew this too - and of course my sister was still jealous. In more ways than one.

Bella felt uncomfortable around her and it showed on her face now. A fresh sign of insecurity burned in her eyes.

"Is Charlie in on this?" Bella asked, suddenly suspicious.

Chief Swan had been reluctant, that much had been apparent when I had told him my plans - grabbing my chance to plead with him at one of the few occasions Alice was occupying Bella upstairs -but he finally agreed to keep his mouth shut. He had allowed Bella to spend the day at my house and as a gesture her curfew was stretched a bit tonight - Bella was allowed to go out with me, as long as she was home at midnight precisely.

"Of course." I grinned, and then chuckled. "Apparently Tyler wasn't, though."

We were at the school now; Rosalie's red convertible was conspicuous in the parking lot. The clouds were thin today, a few streaks of sunlight escaping through far away in the west.

I got out and walked around the car to open Bella's door, holding out my hand for her to take it.

_But she didn't_. Instead, she remained in her seat stubbornly, looking at me with a smug expression. I didn't need to read her mind to know, she thought to be winning this discussion because I couldn't force her out of the car since the parking lot was filled with dressed up students. Too many witnesses for me to use more than human persuasion, she probably figured.

I sighed. "When someone wants to kill you, you're brave as a lion — and then when someone mentions dancing…" I said, shaking my head.

"Bella, I won't let anything hurt you — not even yourself. I won't let go of you once, I promise." I assured her. If I couldn't use my strength to lift her from the car, I certainly needed a little bit of that other talent - the dazzling - and so I gazed into her eyes intently. Her heart immediately picked up speed as our eyes met.

This wasn't just for her benefit, I would benefit from this too. I wasn't going to let go of Bella, because I loved holding her in my arms. Especially now that so much of her beautiful skin was exposed. I could already feel her warmth burn straight through my formal attire by just thinking about it.

As I made my promise, I could see her features relaxing, she felt better at the idea that I wasn't going to let anything happen to her that I wasn't going to let her go.

"There, now," I said gently, "it won't be so bad."

I leaned down and wrapped one arm around her waist. Bella took my other hand and let me lift her from the car.

I kept my arm wrapped around her tightly, not just so she wouldn't tumble and fall, but also because I enjoyed the sensation that this closeness brought. Ever since the terrifying experience with James had occurred, I took whatever moment I had to be as close to Bella as I could bear. Never too close, - I wouldn't want to break her or lose control - but close enough for me to feel the desire smoulder inside me.

The dance was held in the gym, it didn't look very fancy, but it would do. Bella giggled as we got inside and I briefly wondered why that was. I assumed it had something to do with the decorations, which looked rather camp, I had to admit. There were actual balloon arches and twisted garlands of pastel crepe paper festooning the walls.

"This looks like a horror movie waiting to happen," Bella snickered.

"Well," I muttered as I supported Bella to the ticket table — carrying most of her weight — "there are more than enough vampires present."

From the corner of my eye I noticed that Bella glanced at the dance floor in awe. It was empty except for two couples twirling around. Other dance couples had moved to the side to give them some space. My siblings. Standing out again, instead of blending in.

My brothers wore tuxedos, picked out by Alice, of course, while Rosalie wore a backless scarlet dress, luring most of the male students into an awed gaze. Alice held her own in a black satin dress with geometric cut-outs. I supposed it was some sort of fashion. But while Bella was probably feeling self conscious in her head, comparing herself to my sisters, I knew who the true queen of this ball was. The girl in the deep blue off shoulder dress, perfectly setting of her alabaster skin. Brown curls, flushed cheeks, full lips. And she was here with _me._

It still baffled me. Bella had chosen _me._ She wanted to be with me. Somehow, somewhere in my ninety years of existence I had done something right to deserve this grand degree of good fortune, even with all the bad things happening. Of course, where Bella was all good, I was as equally bad.

"Do you want me to bolt the doors so you can massacre the unsuspecting townsfolk?" Bella whispered conspiratorially.

Bella had an odd sense of humour sometimes; I still wasn't entirely used to it.

"And where do you fit into that scheme?" I glared.

"Oh, I'm with the vampires, of course." Bella assured me smilingly.

Of course she was. She'd rather die a horrible death than dance at prom.

I smiled wryly. "Anything to get out of dancing."

"Anything.", Bella muttered

I bought our tickets, and then turned Bella toward the dance floor. Bella was reluctant to move as she cringed against my arm, dragging her feet along.

"I've got all night," I warned.

Eventually I towed Bella out to where my family was dancing.

"Edward.", her voice was hoarse so she could only whisper "I honestly can't dance!" Bella panicked

"Don't worry, silly," I whispered back. "I can."

I took her arms and put them around my neck. The heat of her freshly flushed skin burned mine, sending welcomed sparks down my spine. I lifted her up and put her feet on top of mine. And then we were twirling, too.

"I feel like I'm five years old," Bella laughed after a few minutes of effortless waltzing.

"You don't look five," I murmured, pulling her closer for a second, lifting her off the floor completely.

Bella smiled as Alice caught her eye on a turn and smiled in encouragement. It seemed she was actually enjoying herself. For a moment I was pleased about this, until I picked up on a bitter scent accompanied by jealous, resentful thoughts.

"Okay, this isn't half bad," she admitted, but I barely heard her, as I was staring at the door angrily.

An uninvited guest, crashing the party.

_Jacob Black._

He looked taller. _Much taller_. This was strange; since I remembered him to be smaller from the time I'd seen him weeks ago. I didn't recall human growth spurts to be this rapid. I made a mental note to ask Carlisle about this later.

"What is it?" Bella wondered aloud. She followed my gaze and noticed Jacob too, at the entry of the gym.

He made way toward us as soon as he noticed Bella had spotted him.

His thoughts were quite clear. Based on what was on his mind, he was send by his father; Billy Black. Apparently the news of what had happened in Phoenix had reached La Push.

And now Jacob Black was here on a mission.

Here to warn Bella.

_About me_. Yet again. This was getting tiresome.

I wanted to feel sympathy for the boy since it probably was quite embarrassing for him to do this - and crashing a prom while he was at it - but it was difficult to reflect polite pity when I read his thoughts.

_Wooaahh! Bella looks nice. _

_Right_. He still had a crush on her.

I didn't need to read his face as I saw in his thoughts how he gazed down, keeping his eyes on the curves of Bella's body, the process of it awakening all kinds of teenage hormones inside him. Jacob Black was _lusting _after Bella.

A quiet snarl escaped my throat, too soft for anyone to hear, except for Bella who was probably more attuned to it.

"Behave!" Bella hissed.

Of course, she was worried about the boy. She bought his facade of discomfort. She had no idea about his feelings as she seemed obvious to any human male finding her attractive. But unfortunately Jacob's feelings were screaming at me and I didn't have the luck to escape them.

_I don't get it. What does she see in him? He always looks so threatening. And if my dad is right, then he's responsible for that leg. And whatever other part of her he hurt. _

"He wants to chat with you." I told her, my voice flat.

Jacob reached us then, his eyes only focused on Bella. He didn't even pay attention to me.

"Hey, Bella, I was hoping you would be here." his voice was cautioned. His thoughts were definitely more optimistic. As was his face, it lit up immediately when Bella smiled at him in encouragement.

_She likes me._

_Did she_? Merely as a friend, I assumed. And yet, there was something about the way she responded to Jacob. It wasn't any different than the way she smiled at Mike or Eric, except for the familiarity with which she looked at Jacob. She liked him and she felt comfortable around him, this much I could tell. And he misinterpreted this, thinking he had a chance with her. Why was I suddenly feeling an odd sense of insecurity? I was usually a confident person, but it unnerved me to great lengths that Jacob was here and that Bella seemed to be alright with, if not relieved _at_ this. Like she was holding on to the fact there was someone else, besides Bella herself - here that was as awkward about dancing and social outings as she seemed to find herself.

"Hi, Jacob." Bella smiled. "What's up?"

"Can I cut in?" he asked tentatively, glancing at me for the first time.

Did I have a choice? If I made a scene, Bella would blame me and perhaps become resentful. I didn't want that. Also, I didn't want Jacob to think his presence would somehow affect or concern me the least bit.

I didn't answer Jacob, as I kept my face smooth and set Bella down on her feet.

"Thanks," Jacob said, sounding friendly.

I just nodded and then turned to face Bella. I saw nothing that hinted at discomfort in her face and so I had to assume she was in fact alright with this. This bothered me. I wanted her to ask me to stay and to tell Jacob he couldn't dance with her, but she didn't.

And I truly didn't want to be possessive, I didn't want to worry about this as I walked away, but I couldn't shake this feeling of discomfort. And it had nothing to do with what Jacob was doing here. I didn't care about the warning since Bella wouldn't fall for this. In fact, I hoped it would annoy her enough to perhaps send Jacob away. If he was done soon, Bella would be in my arms again that much faster. Where she belonged.

I halted next to Alice who was standing in a corner, observing Bella and Jacob. Her mind told me that Emmett and Rosalie had accompanied Jasper outside, because he'd become momentarily overwhelmed by all the appealingly smelling humans in the room.

"He needed some air..." Alice clarified as I flashed her a sympathetic smile.

"I hope he's all right", I told her sincerely

"It's still difficult for him sometimes. "

"Why didn't you go outside with him?" I wondered.

"I figured it would be best if someone would be here to keep you in tone. I wouldn't want you to do something stupid", Alice stated as she gestured to the other side of the dance floor, where Bella had her arms around Jacob's neck, while he had his hands tightly placed on her waist. I attempted to will myself to not be jealous, but I evidently failed as I growled at the sight of him.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence", I muttered.

"You're welcome..." Alice grinned, "Now hush, I want to hear what he's going to tell her. You already know, I am sure..."

I had missed the first part of it, mostly because I didn't want to listen in. I had promised Bella I wouldn't always use my powers to eavesdrop and give her privacy when needed. But this wasn't the time.

Of course once I started listening in, I wished I hadn't.

"Yeah," Jacob sighed. "But she's taken."

_You_, he thought

He wished to be the one here with her. To be the one in general.

From a distance I noticed how Jacob glanced at Bella but she looked away, I hoped this was because she was either embarrassed or uncomfortable by his look.

"You look really pretty, by the way," Jacob told her shyly

This was a rather conservative way to express his longings. His hormones were rampaging, driving me insane.

"Um, thanks. So why did Billy pay you to come here?" Bella asked quickly, seemingly trying to divert the subject.

I welcomed her question almost happily, since I'd rather hear Jacob talk about his father's warnings then allow him the chance to tell Bella how he felt about her.

Jacob didn't seem grateful for the subject change though; he looked away, uncomfortable again. "He said it was a 'safe' place to talk to you. I swear the old man is losing his mind."

They both laughed at his remark.

I didn't, because 'the old man' knew exactly what he was doing. Unlike his son, whose hormones were prominent on his face now, judging by the way his cheeks reddened whenever he peeked at Bella.

"Anyway, he said that if I told you something, he would get me that master cylinder I need," he confessed

So his father had bribed him into talking to Bella.

"Tell me, then. I want you to get your car finished." Bella grinned.

"Don't get mad, okay?" Jacob urged, while he looked away again.

It would have been endearing, had it not been my girlfriend he was eyeing.

"There's no way I'll be mad at you, Jacob," Bella assured him. "I won't even be mad at Billy. Just say what you have to."

Perhaps she wasn't mad at him, but I sure felt fury burn inside me. Alice noticed this too, as she casually, though sternly placed her hand on my shoulder.

"Get a grip....." she ordered, "Bella loves you, but she won't allow for you to attack her friend and prove his father's point."

"Well — this is so stupid, I'm sorry, Bella — he wants you to break up with your boyfriend. He asked me to tell you 'please.'" He shook his head in disgust at the request his father had made.

I felt actual respect for Billy Black and his unlimited attempts to warn Bella in securing hr safety. In fact, I realized I had no problem with what he had send his son out to accomplish. What truly bothered me was the way Jacob kept eyeing Bella with longing looks. I wondered if she noticed and hoped she wouldn't.

"He's still superstitious, eh?" Bella wondered

"Yeah. He was… kind of over the top when you got hurt down in Phoenix. He didn't believe…" Jacob trailed off self-consciously.

I noticed how Bella's eyes narrowed at Jacob's words. "I fell." she stated firmly.

"I know that," Jacob said quickly.

"He thinks Edward had something to do with me getting hurt."

I was relieved to hear Bella's anger when verifying that last question. She wanted to defend me; despite the fact Billy was right. I had everything to do with Bella getting hurt, even if she didn't think this to be the case.

"Look, Jacob, I know Billy probably won't believe this, but just so you know"— "Edward really did save my life. If it weren't for Edward and his father, I'd be dead."

If it hadn't been for me, she wouldn't have gotten hurt in the first place. And this was the exact reason why Billy wanted her to stay away from me.

"I know," he claimed,

_Maybe my dad is wrong. Bella isn't stupid. Blinded by this crush, maybe but surely she would not have stayed with him if he had truly hurt her._

"Hey, I'm sorry you had to come do this, Jacob," Bella apologized. "At any rate, you get your parts, right?"

"Yeah," he muttered. He was still looking awkward… upset.

I knew why this was. He wasn't done yet. Here came the better part of Billy's request.

"There's more?" Bella asked in disbelief.

"Forget it," he mumbled, "I'll get a job and save the money myself."

"Just spit it out, Jacob." Bella ordered

"It's so bad."

"I don't care. Tell me," Bella insisted.

"Okay… but, geez, this sounds bad." He shook his head. "He said to tell you, no, to warn you, that — and this is his plural, not mine" — he lifted one hand from Bella's waist and made little quotations marks in the air — '"We'll be watching.'"

Bella didn't seem phased by the request as she laughed aloud. Of course, to her this was a joke. To me it was a warning. I wondered if Billy Black would truly start something over this.

Alice glanced at me with wide eyes. "We have to tell Carlisle", she mumbled.

I didn't pay attention to this as I was getting tired of it. I wanted to cut in.

"Sorry you had to do this, Jake," Bella snickered, still finding all of this extremely humorous.

"I don't mind that much." He grinned in relief. His eyes were appraising as they raked quickly over Bella's dress again.

Of course he didn't mind. He'd been holding Bella longer than I had tonight.

"So, should I tell him you said to butt the hell out?" he asked hopefully.

_Why don't you both butt the hell out,_ I thought wryly

"The song's almost over..." Alice pointed out as she noticed my impatience growing to immense proportions.

I glared at her in response.

"Oh, come on..." she shrugged, "I am sure you will find one song is enough? I am just looking out for you. Please don't do anything stupid. It's a party!"

I didn't listen to the rest she had to say, or to the rest of the conversation between Bella and Jacob. I made my way along the side of the dance floor until I reached the other end where Bella and Jacob were standing awkwardly now, Jacob silently debating to ask her to dance again. As he thought about it - and I had nearly reached them - he spoke this eager thought - or rather wish - aloud.

"Do you want to dance again? Or can I help you get somewhere?" Jacob asked Bella.

But before Bella could open her mouth, I answered for her. There was no way he was going to get another dance. His mission was over; he could go home and report to his father.

"That's all right, Jacob. I'll take it from here." I spoke.

Clearly he was surprised to see me appear so suddenly but I did not care. He had held Bella's attention long enough.

"Hey, I didn't see you there," he mumbled. "I guess I'll see you around, Bella."

He stepped back, waving half-heartedly at Bella.

"Yeah, I'll see you later." Bella smiled

"Sorry," he said again before he turned for the door.

_Too bad he came back so soon._

I echoed his thoughts in my own way, I was rather happy to see him _go_.

As the next song started - rather up-tempo to be slow-dancing but I didn't care for I needed Bella close to me now, I needed her warmth to make this absurd jealousy and resentment towards Jacob Black go away - I wrapped Bella in my arms tightly, purposely reclaiming my territory in the process.

Bella didn't seem to mind as she let her head rest against my chest, sighing contently.

"Feeling better?" she teased after we'd spun around in silence for a few minutes.

Of course, she had noticed my apprehension the entire time. She may be oblivious to prom-promotion and boys lusting after her, but she saw straight through me.

"Not really," I said tersely.

"Don't be mad at Billy," Bella sighed. "He just worries about me for Charlie's sake. It's nothing personal."

It may not be personal for Billy, but it was for his son.

"I'm not mad at Billy," I corrected in a tight voice. "But his son is irritating me."

Bella pulled back to look at me.

"Why?" she wondered

"First of all, he made me break my promise."

Bella stared at me in confusion.

I shot her a small smile "I promised I wouldn't let go of you tonight," I explained

"Oh. Well, I forgive you." Bella shrugged

"Thanks. But there's something else." I frowned.

Bella waited patiently for me to speak.

"He called you pretty," I finally continued. "That's practically an insult, the way you look right now. You're much more than beautiful."

_So much more._ There were barely any words to describe the way she looked.

Bella laughed. "You might be a little biased."

I wasn't. I knew what humans qualified to be beautiful, but I was quite certain I had the better perspective here.

"I don't think that's it. Besides, I have excellent eyesight."

We were twirling again, her feet on mine as I held her close. The sparks between us made me forget my worries about Jacob Black completely.

"So are you going to explain the reason for all of this?" Bella wondered, ending the silence.

I looked down at Bella for I didn't understand what she was referring to. She rolled her eyes and then glared meaningfully at the crepe paper.

I thought about her question for a moment, and then changed direction, spinning Bella through the crowd to the back door of the gym. I noticed how Bella caught a glimpse of Jessica and Mike dancing, staring at her curiously. Jessica waved at Bella and she smiled back quickly. Angela was there, too, looking blissfully happy in the arms of little Ben Cheney; and I was silently happy Emmett and I had secretly helped make this possible.

And then we were outdoors, in the cool, dim light of a fading sunset.

As soon as we were alone, I swung Bella up into my arms, and carried her across the dark grounds till we reached the bench beneath the shadow of the madrone trees. I sat us down there, keeping Bella cradled against my chest.

The moon was already up, visible through the thinning clouds.

"The point?" Bella prompted softly as she glanced at me.

I ignored her as I stared up at the moon.

"Twilight, again," I murmured. "Another ending. No matter how perfect the day is, it always has to end."

Immortal life didn't have an end. And time meant little to nothing when death no longer lingered. But Bella didn't have forever - not if I stuck with my plan to keep her human - and every day with her, full of significance now - had an end and like sand through an hour-glass, we were running out of days by the simple construction of time.

"Some things don't have to end," Bella muttered through her teeth

I could feel her tense against my chest.

"I brought you to the prom," I said slowly, to finally answer her question - and ignoring her reaction - , "because I don't want you to miss anything. I don't want my presence to take anything away from you, if I can help it. I want you to be human. I want your life to continue as it would have if I'd died in nineteen-eighteen like I should have."

It sounded harsh but it was the truth. Without me, she might have been at prom with Tyler Crowley tonight. Or perhaps even Jacob Black. I silently shuddered at the internal pain the idea of this fact caused me.

Bella shook her head angrily. "In what strange parallel dimension would I ever have gone to prom of my own free will? If you weren't a thousand times stronger than me, I would never have let you get away with this."

I smiled briefly at her attempting threat. "It wasn't so bad, you said so yourself."

"That's because I was with you." Bella pointed out.

We were quiet for a minute; I stared at the moon and Bella stared at me.

I wondered what she was thinking about now; it was ever so difficult to read her especially when she kept her face neutral.

As I pondered on what was going on inside her mind, I realized there was something I was still curious about...

"Will you tell me something?" I asked, as I flashed her a little smile.

"Don't I always?"

"Just promise you'll tell me," I insisted, grinning.

"Fine.", Bella agreed, suddenly very reluctant.

"You seemed honestly surprised when you figured out that I was taking you here," I began.

"I was," Bella interjected.

"Exactly," I agreed. "But you must have had some other theory… I'm curious — what did you think I was dressing you up for?"

I noticed the full hesitance in her eyes and the pursing of her lips; she wasn't keen on telling me. That meant it had to be bad.

"I don't want to tell you." Bella said.

Yes, it _was _bad.

"You promised," I objected.

"I know." she sighed

"What's the problem?" I wondered

Was she self-conscious again? Or was there more to it? My curiosity grew as Bella kept silent.

"I think it will make you mad — or sad."

This didn't sound very good. Whatever she thought to be the reason for this entire evening, it hadn't been prom on her mind. So what was it? The need to know was aching inside me.

"I still want to know. Please?" I pushed

Bella sighed as she thought of a way to tell me. I was used to this way of stalling, where Bella insisted in taking the time to best explain her thoughts.

"Well… I assumed it was some kind of… occasion. But I didn't think it would be some trite human thing… prom!" I scoffed.

_Human_ thing....

_Trite? _

Wait, had she been thinking....

She couldn't have...

But this _was_ Bella.

Her mind was backwards.

"Human?" I asked flatly as I tried to make sense of her thoughts.

Bella looked down at her dress, fidgeting with a stray piece of chiffon.

Once again I waited for her to elaborate.

"Okay," She confessed in a rush. "So I was hoping that you might have changed your mind… that you were going to change me, after all."

Bella and I hadn't touched upon the subject of Alice's vision since that day she had woken up in the hospital. But apparently that didn't mean Bella had let go of the idea. Of course she hadn't. Once she'd make up her mind about something, she stuck with it.

At first I was angry that she was so blasé about this. And I didn't understand why she even considered this ill fate to be an option for her. She'd lose so much. And gain _absolutely nothing._

Then I thought about the pain it would cause Bella, her family and even mine if she was going to be changed tonight. Charlie and Renée, losing their daughter, without even knowing. Without the chance to say goodbye. My family, welcoming a new family member with open arms, but suffering with her at every scream of agony she'd led slip as the venom changed her, feeling her pain as we had all been there. And Bella, my sweet, beautiful Bella, giving up her life for me. She made the decision seem so simple, as her determination sounded genuine.

And so, for a moment I caught myself longing for the change to happen. Without a doubt there would never be another day ending as I could keep Bella forever once she was changed. Also, surely there'd be no room for a Jacob Black in her life if she was immortal. I wouldn't have to rival him if Bella was like me.

Guilt rippled through me for thinking along these lines. I didn't want to use my jealousy as a reason - or rather an excuse - to change her. Because in the end there were no reasons or excuses strong enough to justify the change.

To distract myself from the conflicting feelings I had about Bella's wish to become an eternal being, I thought about how Bella had linked tonight's formal attire to the idea of becoming a vampire and it momentarily took away the edge and amused me. It was so typical of her to make this connection where no one else would.

"You thought that would be a black tie occasion, did you?" I teased, touching the lapel of my tuxedo jacket.

"I don't know how these things work. To me, at least, it seems more rational than prom does." she scowled

_Bella_, she was entirely other. She'd rather become an immortal than sharing one harmless dance at prom.

It was so ridiculous, it was comical. It made me grin.

"It's not funny," Bella said.

She was right, it wasn't. But it was so much easier to joke about it than to treat it as something she seriously wanted. _Tonight._

"No, you're right, it's not," I agreed, my smile fading. "I'd rather treat it like a joke, though, than believe you're serious."

"But I am serious."

I had no doubt she was. She was determined. But she had no idea what it was she thought to be so determined about.

I sighed deeply "I know. And you're really_ that_ willing..."

Bella bit her lip and nodded.

She did seem willing. Only weeks after James had tried to kill her. Surely she remembered the coursing of his venom through her veins, burning her with an excruciatingly painful fire. With that in mind, how could she not be terrified to feel that pain again? And not for a few minutes, but hours, days. Had she even considered that?

But...if she really wanted this, then....

I could change her right now. And then she'd be mine forever....

Momentarily I was torn between doing something so barbaric and the yearning for her to be mine without any worries or safety concerns. It seemed I was as selfish as ever.

"So ready for this to be the end," I murmured "for this to be the twilight of your life, though your life has barely started. You're ready to give up everything."

"It's not the end, it's the beginning," Bella disagreed silently

"I'm not worth it," I said sadly.

_I wasn't_. I'd never be the man she deserved, no matter how hard I tried. There were so many things I'd never be able to give her. How I longed to be able to touch her, be one with her like a real man, but couldn't because I was always held back by the knowledge I'd kill Bella, if I'd get too close to her. But now, the one thing she did ask for, the one thing that made all the impossibilities suddenly possible, could it be that this was the ultimate sacrifice I couldn't bring myself to make?

"Do you remember when you told me that I didn't see myself very clearly?" Bella said, raising her eyebrows. "You obviously have the same blindness."

"I know what I am.", I muttered

Someone who wasn't very worthy of Bella's love. But the idea she wanted to be with me forever, had me all twisted up in believing that maybe...._I could have her. _

Though, against what price? Was I seriously considering to take her life? Because it would ease my own insecurities, my jealousy? My longing?

It was an absurd assumption, a crazy wish, but I couldn't let go of the idea immediately, despite knowing better.

"You're ready now, then?" I asked.

"Um." Bella gulped. "Yes?"

I smiled, and inclined my head slowly until my cool lips brushed against the skin just under the corner of Bella's jaw. I could feel the blood pulsing against my mouth knowing how normally it would make me incredibly thirsty. But now, I was too concentrated on doing this right.

"Right now?" I whispered,

Bella shivered involuntarily. I wondered if she was scared or just nervous.

Perhaps _both._

"Yes," Bella whispered,

Her body was rigid against my chest, her heart pounding and breathing erratic. Hands balled into fists.

She was _terrified._

I knew that it wouldn't matter if secretly this idea had become more appealing to me in the past few weeks. She wasn't ready and I couldn't expect her to ever be, as she wouldn't even know what would hit her.

Also, she knew me well enough to understand that for even considering it, I was still not going to give in so easily.

I chuckled darkly, and leaned away.

"You can't really believe that I would give in so easily," I mocked sourly

"A girl can dream."

That's what she dreamt about? About a life of eternity, inflicted by me?

"Is that what you dream about? Being a monster?"

"Not exactly," Bella said, frowning at me. "Mostly I dream about being with you forever."

She sounded sad. I instantly recognized this sadness. It was the awareness that our love would never come easy and that we would always have to fight against outside obstacles.

With no guarantees about what was to come.

But as long as we were together, perhaps we'd be strong enough to overcome anything.

_Strong enough for now_, at least.

"Bella." My fingers lightly traced the shape of her warm red lips. "I will stay with you — isn't that enough?"

She smiled under the touch of my fingertips. "Enough for now." she spoke my own thoughts aloud.

I frowned at her answer. She wasn't letting this go.

I exhaled, letting slip a silent growl.

Bella brushed her hand against my cheek. "Look," she said. "I love you more than everything else in the world combined. Isn't that enough?"

It was more than enough. More than I'd ever deserve. And so, to even try and be even the littlest bit worthy of that love, I had to keep her alive, instead of condemning her to an eternity.

"Yes, it is enough," I answered, smiling. "Enough for forever"

And then I leaned down to press my lips once more to Bella's throat.

She sighed happily and leaned against my chest, her eyes looking up as she gazed at the moon, lighting up the black sky.

I paid no attention to this as no moon lit up the darkness the way she did.

My Bella.

_My midnight sun. _

* * *

**Well, this is it. Continuance is done! Thanks to every one who has left a review in these past few months. It has helped and stimulated me a great deal to keep going.**

**I truly hope SM will continue MS some day. This story was merely written to ease my own curiosity and I am thrilled so many people enjoyed reading it.**

**I'll admit I feel almost arrogant to "announce" that I am going to start writing New Moon from Edward's POV in a little while. It's just I feel the story isn't done from Edward's POV, nor is my curiosity about how he has experienced everything in New Moon (loads of creative freedom there) saturated. Perhaps I'll go beyond that and do Eclipse and BD too, but I don't want to get ahead of myself.**

**So, I'll be looking forward to starting the first chapter of "Fallen Horizon" (If anyone has a better title for this, by all means let me know - and get full credit ;) aka NM from Edward's POV soon. As a 'treat' (or rather a test, since I don't have 12 existing chapters by SM to get insight from :P) I've also posted a small preface to the next story.**

**For the time being, there is still my other story "Eternally Intertwined" (hello shameless self promotion! :P) if people enjoy reading my work. **

**Thanks again for all the amazing support and welcomed tips and critique!**

**_This is a small teaser for New Moon from Edward's POV, titled "Fallen Horizon" at the moment._**


	20. Preface

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and Midnight Sun, its dialogues, the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2008 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**PREFACE to FALLEN HORIZON**

I could feel the eyes on me, though I kept mine firmly closed. A child - probably watching in caution and surprise as I slowly took a step forward. Four jostles from the throng and then the sun would be at its highest peak.

_A perfect sun._ So willing to expose me for what I was. All I needed for my pale skin to lit up and glisten. For the crowd on the Palazzo dei Priori - unaware of who was about to disrupt the festivities - to go mad, forcing the Volturi to stop and trial me.

And more importantly_, sentence me. _I was counting on this especially.

The chime of the clock boomed around me again and I welcomed the sound as it brought me closer to my goal with every clang. Three left, I counted.

A hint of the sun, already slightly touching the edges of the protective shadows I was still hiding in at the mouth of the alley, caressed my cool bare chest as the wind blew against my skin.

It reminded me of sweeter times where the touch of her skin would awaken these desires in me that I'd considered long lost before she came along. For a moment, I allowed myself to pretend she was here. _Touching me_. I could almost feel her lips feverishly moving against mine. So warm, so perfect. How I yearned to hold her tightly in my arms. I almost reached out to welcome her, but instead I kept my arms at my side, palms facing forward, like a messiah ready to be sacrificed.

I remembered this was impossible. I'd never hold her again.

Because she was _gone_. _Forever._

The idea I'd never feel her warmth again or how my throat would never feeling like breathing in fire by the very smell of her, ripped my already torn heart apart even further.

It was unbelievable, incomprehensible.

_A world without Bella._

This wasn't a world I knew how to exist in. Not anymore.

Another chime of the clock meant it was almost time.

I felt like I was suffocating, though I didn't need oxygen.

I purposely shied away from the exact words Rosalie had spoken - they were basic and deadly - because they were burned into my soul like an unwanted scar that would never go away. The words that had marked the end of my life. All I'd done since then was desperately trying to find a way to finish it effectively.

I felt more at ease knowing I'd only have to make it through a few more moments. Just endure this strange, now unfamiliar world I couldn't be forced to exist in, no matter who pleaded with me. There would never be any relief from the cutting pain inside. I focused on how I had to hang on a little while longer and then the agony would stop.

I longed for blackness, for the beauty of oblivion. The ultimate way to stop remembering.

_Death._

And whatever came after that, wherever I went, it didn't matter as long as I need not be reminded of this life ever again.

The memories had lost their significance since Bella wasn't out there somewhere remembering everything too.

The throng jostled again. Only _one_ more left. I could taste the sun now. I could feel the same eyes still watching me carefully. I knew I needed one human to stare at me in horror and start screaming for my plan to be considered a success. I had no desire to frighten this child watching me - her mind filled with lollipops and cartoons - but if she was my only option to be seen now, I would take it and risk her sanity in the process.

I took another step towards the edge, knowing it would take less than a small inch for me to step into the sun. To bare myself for what would be my final moments.

The moment I wanted to place my foot forward, in sync with the sound of the final chime, I heard it.

_The angel's voice._

I was shocked. Was this what came after dying? Was I allowed an afterlife with the angel by my side? Surely it was cruel for me to hope for this as I was so close to death.

Unless...

Certainly, I was still alive?

The voice grew more profound, like it was coming towards me.

It was calling for _me_.

"Edward!"

_My name._

Was it the wind fooling me with imaginary whispers? Had my mind finally snapped at the loss of Bella and the fear of never being reunited with her?

It seemed that way.

But then I heard it _again_.

The angel sounded almost frantic. And the voice was coming closer still.

"Edward, no!" she cried

As I heard her voice anxiously pleading with me, I smiled.

Though I didn't quite understand how the entire experience had managed to be so pain-free.

But I didn't hang on that question for long, as my nostrils flared and picked up the scent I thought to only exist for me, calling me, easily tempting me. I inhaled deeply, burning my throat with great pleasure.

There was no doubt in my mind anymore.

_I was dead_.

And it was _heavenly. _


End file.
